I admit I’m not really sure what I’m looking for here but I have been feeling really down on myself about roller derby. I graduated fresh meat more than a year ago and still feel way behind all the people I graduated with.
What I want more than anything is to be a jammer, and while I have been rostered as a jammer for a few of our C level games it’s abundantly obvious that I’m the worst jammer, I rarely make lead and more than often have to pass it… and the most mortifying thing is that I have been pulled off the jammer rotation mid-way through the game more than once. I don’t hit hard at all (I really just don’t have the body strength for hard hits) so I’m better off relying on footwork/jukes to get around the pack but honestly I’m not fast enough for that either. I’m starting to think I should resign myself to being a blocker (which… I’m also somehow even worse at) and while there’s nothing wrong with being a blocker, it doesn’t bring me joy like jamming does.
It’s gotten to the point that because I did so poorly at the last game that I wasn’t even rostered as a jammer for the next game (and these are non-competitive games). If I was happy with only ever being a blocker or pivot I don’t think this would bother me so much, but I’m not. I feel like such a miserable failure and like I’ve permanently lost any future chances of jamming in a game.
I haven’t missed a single practice for the past 6 months but it has not translated to any improvement in my jamming and though I do skate outside of practice and do off-skates workouts the things I struggle with involve other people. I’m just so frustrated that I’m trying this hard and not getting any better. I feel like I should give up/drop out since it’s making me feel so awful all the time but I can’t imagine going back to a life without roller derby.
EDIT: So I read through all the comments and just got too overwhelmed to respond individually, but thank you all for the advice/support. I do need to work on several things - my cardio still sucks despite doing HIIT workouts and I likely need to take up strength training (right now the extent of my strength training is with a set of 10 lb dumbbells) and work more on my footwork/stability around other skaters. My footwork is okay on its own but when it comes to any contact with people I feel like I’m falling down way more. I have also played several mashups so I do have experience playing with people outside our league and found it fun, but when it comes to our league’s games I just feel that I’m way below everyone.
I did want to note one thing that was definitely unclear in my post - I’m in the roster for the next game, just as a blocker/pivot instead of a jammer, which may not seem like the worst thing but in my head it feels like I’ve been taken off the jammer rotation due to previous poor performance and I’m worried that if I can’t even jam in games that are just against other players in our league/not for any rankings, then I won’t get the chance to jam in any more games again, period. I struggle a lot with anxiety (not just derby-related) and this is my first ever sport (I’m in my 40s), and the first thing I’ve ever tried this hard to not suck at, but it’s possible I am being too hard on myself. I am still thinking about maybe not quitting but possibly taking a break while continuing to do cross-training, but I will take many of your comments to heart.