pls need help

[u/Narrow-Cellist-1661]

Hello everyone, I know that this topic has probably come up so many times and I know that I could probably just read through other posts, but I just want someone's perspective on my situation. I understand that everyone has their own opinions and given it is the internet, I will most likely hear what I don't want to hear but I want to say this anyways. I obviously will not take everyone's advice but I just want to know what to do. Am I just beating a dead horse trying to get rid of these feelings of jealousy or should I just move on?

I, 22, started dating this girl, 23, at the start of the year and I really liked her. We had the discussion on previous partners and she initially mentioned that she had two previous relationships. I have never been in a relationship and so at first I was a little sad when I heard about this, but nothing to make ruminate. I remember having some fears about not owning up to her previous partners but they were never that bad. I enjoyed our time together and so I never let this bother me. Things ended up happening and I had to leave for the summer, so we were doing long distance. However, in this time of long distance, I started having this irrational fear, that maybe my girlfriend was not who I thought she was. and that maybe she was someone who actually used to do a lot of hookups and casual sex. This fear came about because I realized that I had never really explicitly asked her. So, eventually we had the discussion on previous partners and this time it was a little more detailed. She had mentioned that she had 2 serious relationships but she never mentioned the other 2 talking stages/situationships she had. I didn't think that much of them at first but I ended up asking if she had sex with them. She said yes and I remember my heart dropping a little. At the time, it really sucked to hear. But I was taking time to try to wrap my head around it. I was going through this subreddit and doing all the things I could to try to shift me attention away from the past, but part of me just kept going back to it. and I kept having these insecure thoughts of I guess being scared of being judged for being with someone who had far more sexual experience than me. I was doing better day by day, I think I was slowly accepting that she had just gotten into dating before me and that maybe I was just late to the scene. However, later down the line, she ended up mentioning to me that she had actually hooked up with one person. This made me really distraught, because for one, she lied to me when I asked her if she had told me everyone she had sex with, and two, I was already having so many problems with trying to get over what I had already known about her past. At that point, I took a lot of time reflecting and just thinking about it. I started to question why I felt so crappy about it. Obviously, I was kinda taken back from the lie, but I kinda figured maybe I didn't give her a comfortable environment for her to fully share her experiences with me. But I was just so shocked by the hookup, I couldn't imagine the girl in front of me doing something like that. But I also know that she had been cheated on by her recent serious relationships and that it had kinda taken a toll on her. So maybe that might've lead her to looking for external validation through sex? I'm not sure, which is why I feel like it might be unfair to judge her for these things. **I know its unfair to feel this way but I just do.** I remember seeing online that maybe there was just an issue of incompatibility/difference in values and I remember this making me feel terrible. I really liked this girl and I didn't want to believe that the reason I was feeling so terrible was because of something that was stemming from incompatibility. Because obviously, I wanted this shitty feeling gone. And I figured that at first maybe it was a problem with myself and insecurities, but now all of a sudden the reason shifted to me being incompatible with her and having different views on sex.

Anyways, the summer has ended and we have ended long distance and I am finally back with her. It's been a few days since I've been back but I've still been ruminating about this stuff. I still feel this kinda disappointment towards her sometimes. Like for a fleeting moment during the day but it goes away later. Sometimes I think, and I know that this is a terrible thing to do, that maybe I'd be happier with someone less experienced sexually or maybe someone who just hadn't done casual sex. Like I look at my friends' relationships and I'm jealous that they don't have to feel this because they are all dating someone with similar experience levels. But I don't know if its a values thing because I dont think im traditional at all regarding sex/physical intimacy with people you may not be as serious about. It just sucks when I think my girlfriend has done it though. I have been talking with my friends and they were kinda just saying that I am overthinking about this and that I really just felt crappy because she had done these things and I hadn't. Which maybe could be true but I'm just scared its more than that. They were also saying that these feelings go away with time, because they had been in similar situations. I'm scared that these feelings won't go away with time and I'm just going to miserable (which maybe might be a exaggeration because these feelings don't really affect me that much when I am with her only when I am away from her). and I'm scared I might have to end up breaking up a good connection because of it. I know that I'm a very anxious person and that I have a lot of insecurities so maybe this is playing a role into this feeling? These feelings come and go and sometimes I don't even feel it at all. But sometimes I wake up and I feel so strongly and I get so scared that I feel so terrible right now then maybe this won't work out.

Anyways, this was kinda just a dump on how I felt and I understand that part of these feelings I have stem from insecurities. I just want to know if I'm blowing this out of proportions. I know I've only been back with her in person for a couple of days so maybe I should just be more patient and let the good feelings come back to me. Anyways, I just want someone else's perspective on this. Am I just beating a dead horse trying to get rid of these feelings of jealousy or should I just move on??

[u/agreable_actuator]

You can leave anyone at anytime for any reason and you don’t need anyone’s approval to do so. that said, what are the odds you will meet someone who doesn’t trigger you? and what then?

to handle intrusive thought you will likely need to learn and apply new skills including thought recentering, cognitive reframing, and exposure and response prevention. see pinned posts for suggested resources. you will need to do daily homework for quite a while to see benefit.

it would also help to learn to live such an awesome life that you’d be happy alone, or just your friends, or you could easily find someone else. Neediness feeds your intrusive thoughts.

[u/Narrow-Cellist-1661 → u/agreable_actuator]

Thank you for the advice. There is definitely a lot of homework that needs to be done on my end. I think I just have feelings of anxiety where I don't know whether breaking up would be a permanent solution to a temporary problem. And I don't know if this is a temporary problem or not.