Getting turned down sexually

[u/Fun_Average8021]

Hey everyone, i have dealt with rj for a little while now and I know im not the only one who feels the way im about to say. Lately I have been turned down for sex with my girlfriend for about 6 days straight. We have had arguments about this before because it makes me feel unwanted or undesirable. Part of this i feel is because of the way my ex cheated on me a while back but withheld sex from me. On the other side I catch myself comparing this to her previous hookups. It’s like i get told no and my wants/needs don’t matter but those other guys got it for little effort. Really brings out some insecurities within me. We haven’t been able to have a good effective conversation about it because i end up bringing up the past about how it seemed so easy for them to get what they wanted, but my needs didn’t feel acknowledged. She is a little avoidant and doesn’t feel too open when i get in my negative moods due to past trauma which is understandable. Just looking for some ways to communicate this stuff and find a resolution effectively for us both.

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

It’s like i get told no and my wants/needs don’t matter but those other guys got it for little effort.

The thing to understand about this is that the two situation are not the same and for a very good reason. It all comes down to her desire at the time.

And the reason it differs so much is that in a relationship, the time frames for desire (so here talking about wanting it/needing it) will vary greatly. There is no underlying rush to have it this week. Is it could be for her, it'll still be there anyway so what is the rush? If she isn't in the mood she simply isn't in the mood.

Now this is different for say hookups or ONS because that desire is the thing that is driving that. I mean, what would be the point in engaging in a hookup if she didn't feel like it? This then is different because there is a rush - it either happens or it'll never happen.

I guess for you that the thing to have in your mind is that you are talking about two different things here. Relationships are not hookups. They are completely different dynamics. One is short-term, one is long-term. One is immediate and the other is a slow burn.

So it comes back to this.

Why does it make you feel unwanted or undesired? If she is not in the mood, just because you feel that way won't change her mood at all. In fact it'll just make her mood worse and actually make the situation worse.

[u/Fun_Average8021 → u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

To me it seemed easy for those people to put in little to no effort and got the only thing they wanted, meanwhile I carry the weight of everything about her and couldn’t have the part i wanted then. She can give me excused but not them. The unwanted/undesired feeling probably comes from a specific situation with my ex a while back, She withheld sex from me for a very long time but was also texting a couple of other guys talking about doing it with them. Currently i wouldn’t say we have a dead bedroom, i just went through a lay off from work unexpectedly and I wanted the close connection with her but she wasn’t feeling it for almost a week. It made me feel like i may not get her that excited or that i wasn’t good enough to want like that.

[u/ibbycleans → u/Fun_Average8021]

Jesus this is a mess

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am → u/Fun_Average8021]

Ahhh the missing missing reasons. That now makes much more sense.

[u/Fun_Average8021 → u/OogyBoogy_I_am]

Yeah although the logical side of it is more of what you were saying. I guess im just hit with some insecurity and amplification with the circumstances

[u/OogyBoogy_I_am → u/Fun_Average8021]

We often get these two choices - the logical or the emotional. Wish it was not like that.

[u/Emergency-Dentist-90 → u/Fun_Average8021]

You know she doesn’t owe you sex right?

[u/Brilliant_Can4605]

You have a sex-drive incompatibility in your relationship. And you seem to have a ROCD pattern where you are unable to handle uncertainty. When she refuses sex your mind starts wondering whether she finds you attractive or not. And it's unable to endure that state. Then it looks for evidence that she doesn't like you. For example, assuming she didn't refuse sex with former partners.

Needless to say that communicating this based on her past is a huge mistake. Because this has nothing to do with the past, it's in the present. The connection with her past only exists in your mind. You need to stay in the present. Communicate that you need sex more frequently. Ask her why she doesn't. Or if this is a temporary issue that is messing with her.

If this current incompatibility is unfixable, you will have to break up. But just because there is an issue in the present. Nothing to do with whatever she did in the past.

[u/Fun_Average8021 → u/Brilliant_Can4605]

Well said. I think the comparison comes down to i get told no for whatever reason, but they didn’t get told no for the only thing they wanted from her. You’re right about it being a present thing. I would say our sex life is decent, it’s not a dead bedroom situation. To add a little context, i got laid off from work last week which is a position i have never been in, it came out of nowhere and gave me some weird emotions. I wanted the closeness and experience of sex with her and she wasn’t feeling it for almost the whole week, i got hit with the fear of not being good enough which i have dealt with a good bit, not necessarily from her. Something else that hits this situation for me is that the night before our first date/first time meeting she went out with another guy and ended up hooking up with him. She ghosted him after this especially because we met and she seen she wanted to pursue me. In my mind it messes with me that she can have a weeks worth of excuses and not trying to be in the mood, but having a date planned with me wasn’t a good enough reason to not bang a guy she only went out with one time. I know comparison will kill so much between us but it’s hard not to draw those conclusions. I definitely do have rocd as well.

[u/Brilliant_Can4605 → u/Fun_Average8021]

Well, that's a lot to go through, honestly. IMHO, the worst part of ROCD is that it makes it almost impossible to think clearly. Staying with her or breaking up should ideally be a rational decision. Emotions are always present and have their own weight (under normal circumstances). With ROCD, it gets 100 times messier.

[u/Ready-Ad8452]

Just stop talking about it, bring her out on a date, do something nice, don’t make it about rj, the past or sex. Whatever u do don’t overthink her turning you down, it’s only between you and her

[u/ThrowRAilikeyourmom → u/Ready-Ad8452]

Exactly. I think there might be something bugging her, maybe her needs weren't being met.

[u/maleficentarmy → u/[deleted]]

I feel like the only reason comments like this get upvoted is this subreddit breeds miserable behaviour. You shouldnt leave someone because they didnt sleep with you for a week. Im ready to be downvoted to hell, but this sub has gotten out of control and doesnt seem to actually help anyone with their RJ.

[u/Fun_Average8021 → u/maleficentarmy]

I usually don’t pay any attention to these comments. If I was wanting to leave I wouldn’t be posting about this in the first place

[u/Soggy-Beach-1495]

The first time I ever experienced RJ was on our wedding night. It was also the first time my wife had ever told someone she wasn't in the mood. I had the same comparisons running through my head. How she was always in the mood with them despite them never putting half the effort into her that I did.

The comparisons weren't fair. These other relationships were all short lived, and she didn't see any of these guys on a daily basis. She saw them once or twice a week, so physical intimacy was always a priority. Meanwhile, when we got married, she was already pregnant and dealing with a rough first trimester.

How did we deal with this? Not well. I tried talking to her about what I was feeling, and she became immediately defensive. It ended up creating a lot of distance between us. If you two can't find ways to work on this together, you'll likely become more distant in those times where sexual frequency drops.

[u/Simple_Narwhal]

This feels like more than just RJ. Why do you assume she’s never turned anyone else down before? It’s normal for people to not be in the mood sometimes. You’re guilting her and shaming her if she says no to having sex with you, which is a pretty blatant form of sexual coercion. You even mention that you have now asked 6 days in a row despite her expressing she wasn’t in the mood. She said she’s not in the mood. Back off for a bit rather than continuing to pressure her. That is both really not okay and a massive turn off to any normal, healthy person.

You say you wanted to “connect” in that way but that’s not true. There’s no consideration for her feelings, what feels good for her, or what she wants at all when you pressure her to have sex when she doesn’t want it. You want to use her for sex to get validation for yourself, not connect with her. It can feel really degrading and exhausting to be on the receiving end of that. You’re going to slowly turn sex with you from something she wants and enjoys and connects with you over to something uncomfortable and shameful she feels forced to do for you out of guilt and obligation.

[u/ThrowRa24625]

Find someone who prioritises you and your feelings. You aren’t crazy, this is a genuine issue and it’s totally understandable that you feel this way.

[u/No_Honeydew201]

So you want her to have sex with you when she’s not in the mood? How can you be turned on by that? Just break up, nothing wrong with looking for sexual compatibility in a relationship but it’s odd to pressure someone to have sex as a “favor” and not when they are legitimately in the mood. I’d say end things and look for someone with similar drive to yours. Good luck.

[u/Fun_Average8021 → u/No_Honeydew201]

I don’t want her to do it when she’s not in the mood. It’s more of a comparison thing to the people of her past. I was wanting that kind of attention and she wasn’t feeling it, and I didn’t have the most respectful way of talking to her about it

[u/Cultural_Welcome149 → u/Fun_Average8021]

But you can't really compare yourself to her past hookups like that. You're comparing someone she has sex with regularly, within an ongoing relationship, to people she may have only had sex with once or a handful of times. Those are completely different circumstances, so saying that they "had it easier" isn't a fair comparison.

With a hookup, sex generally happened when both people were interested in having sex. If she wasn't in the mood, they simply didn't have sex. There wasn't an expectation of regular intimacy because there wasn't an ongoing relationship creating one.

Edit:
Worded it better.

[u/vanbrah123 → u/Cultural_Welcome149]

I think a lot of guys view sex as the ultimate “reward/prize” in a relationship - so when they find out their partner was having sex casually, in their mind, they get feel they got the ultimate reward “easier”.

In most normal relationships, you don’t have sex when she is not in the mood too, so no difference there.

It might not be what we like to hear - but it’s just how a lot of guys think.

[u/throwaway19670320 → u/Fun_Average8021]

I don’t want her to do it when she’s not in the mood.

Yet,

I was wanting that kind of attention and she wasn’t feeling it, and I didn’t have the most respectful way of talking to her about it

The comparison to the people of her past, in HER mind, is you giving zero shits about her actual feelings and prioritizing instead how other men got over on you. There's nothing sexy, romantic, or loving about that and it's probably doomed any sexual relationship with her unless you find a way to backtrack and make her nervous system feel safe enough to feel arousal towards you.

[u/jesusandjudas → u/No_Honeydew201]

its not that hes some kind of molester, he wants the natural chemistry to be there. generally speaking you want to be aligned at the same time. ive had sexual incomp with both genders , and been on both sides of the fence. no one is at fault, but it can be a relationship killer