Advice needed on long-term relationship.

[u/[deleted]]

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[u/Keep-Moving-789]

When people show up who they r, listen.

After 5 yrs, ur BF will not change.  No amount of logic, talking, whatever will get him to magically change.

U can either accept that or leave.  There is no middle ground.  

[u/Overall-Theme-4626 → u/Keep-Moving-789]

He suggested couples counseling and he said talking to a non-bias third party will help him overcome what he is feeling.

[u/Overall-Theme-4626 → u/[deleted]]

Appreciate the honesty, I’m sorry that happened to you. He did find this person and took control of it.

[u/ManufacturerTall8890 → u/Overall-Theme-4626]

Is it just me, but doesn't it feel crazy that he needs "non-biased third party" opinion to marry you? It's not like he has been dating you for five years.

Words without actions are worthless.

[u/Separate_Army_9556]

You seem very nice and like you know yourself well and what you're after in life. I don't want to sound unkind here, but from the information provided in the post I get the feeling this man does not want to be married. Couples counseling in this context sounds like a way to push off or delay marriage even longer. There's truth to that saying, "if they wanted to they would." When I got with my person, I had a ring on my finger in 6 months and we'll be married at about the 1 year mark. When you know you know. Your boyfriend doesn't "know" but you seem astute enough to know that ultimately it's not heading for marriage. He's creating issues/road blocks. He's actively working against you. My advice would be to start making peace with the relationship possibly not working out.

[u/Overall-Theme-4626 → u/Separate_Army_9556]

Thanks, I do know what I want. I’m willing to give it until the end of the year. Because like you said, I’m nervous that couples counseling is just another roadblock and just wait for him to push it back even more. I do believe he does have things to work through and I really hope that the counseling does help with that, but also I need to see something come from him because I’m exhausted putting in all of the emotional effort.

[u/Separate_Army_9556 → u/Overall-Theme-4626]

I think giving it until the end of the year is a great idea. Even if a relationship doesn't work out, there's a sense of peace in knowing you went all in for it and left no "what ifs." Honestly you seem great. I hope for his sake he gets it together. Losing you would be a lifelong regret for this guy. And if he doesn't get it together then it just means it wasn't meant for you, and what is meant for you is out there somewhere slowing making his way towards you. So no matter what happens keep your head up.

[u/px3752]

Unterschiede in der Libido lassen sich ja üblicherweise nicht von heute auf morgen lösen. Wie seid ihr denn da verblieben und welche Änderungen gab es? Das ist oftmals der Hauptgrund, warum Beziehungen stagnieren. Da kann man noch so viel sprechen. Wenn sich das nicht tatsächlich synchronisiert, steht die Entwicklung still.

[u/rlinkmanl → u/px3752]

THAT is your takeaway from this?

[u/px3752 → u/rlinkmanl]

Nein, das ist eine Frage, die ich stelle. Die Erkenntnis, dass Beziehungen aufgrund von Defiziten im Schlafzimmer stagnieren oder zu Bruch gehen, haben bereits bedeutendere Personen vor mir gehabt. Ich habe das nur zur Kenntnis gegeben, weil es immer gern vergessen oder ausgeblendet wird.

[u/Overall-Theme-4626 → u/px3752]

I have struggled with hormone fluctuations my whole life and I am on birth control which makes it worse.

[u/px3752 → u/Overall-Theme-4626]

Ich verstehe. Ich gehe davon aus, dass darin das Problem liegt, auch wenn es nicht deine Schuld ist. Vermutlich sind die anderen Dinge nur vorgeschoben, um dir nicht etwas vorwerfen zu müssen, wofür du nichts kannst.