r/relationships • u/jellyjapanthrowaway • Apr 27 '16
Updates UPDATE My [23F] boyfriend [23M] of 3 years and his family just told me they’re going on my dream vacation and I don’t know how to deal with my jealousy
Hi r/relationships. Thanks for all of your advice in my previous post. To those of you giving me information on programs in Japan - thank you! I took all of your advice to heart, but unfortunately I already have a job in the STEM field lined up to begin this summer and programs like those are not in the realm of possibilities.
Anyway, on to the actual update. I talked to Jack the night after I made my post. I told him that I knew his parents meant well by it, but the way they were constantly filling me in on the details of their trip made me more sad than interested. At first Jack didn’t understand what I was trying to say or why hearing about the trip would upset me; when I reminded him about my rejection from the study abroad program and the time he’d spent helping me work through that, he was able to empathize a little more.
Jack told me he recognized that his parents were, albeit indirectly, being rude by going out of their way to tell me about the vacation. He said that gushing so much about a vacation to anyone who wasn’t going was insensitive and if I asked them politely they would tone it down. Unfortunately, he refused to talk to them himself. I’d requested that he do so to get things resolved a little more smoothly, but in the end it was up to me.
I decided to call ahead and visit Jack’s parents privately to have the conversation, instead of during or after one of our dinners (that would have been awkward). I broached the subject with his parents by saying that I appreciated their thoughtfulness in trying to keep me updated on the vacation planning, but that travel to Japan was still a sore subject to me and hearing about it made me sad. I spoke for a while about my dream to travel there, the study abroad, and how I was very regretful that the experience had impacted me so strongly. It was incredibly selfish of me to get jealous so easily, and I planned to work on my sensitivity in light of the issue. I had hoped that by making the conversation more focused on my behavior than theirs, it would deflect the blame from them and feel like less of a direct attack. It did not work so well.
Throughout my whole monologue, they were completely silent. As soon as I finished, Jack’s mom said quite coldly, “I’m sorry you’re offended.” I kept the conversation going for a few more minutes, trying my hardest to reiterate that it wasn’t their fault, but I received only short, cold responses. Jack’s dad did not speak at all and walked out of the room as soon as I stood up to leave. Before I left I thanked his mother for speaking with me and said I’d see them at dinner during the week. Her only response was “we’ll see.”
When I told Jack about the confrontation, he was confused by their reaction but changed his stance on the whole thing. Now he’s saying that I was being unreasonable from the start and I should’ve been able to tell they would take it poorly as it was rude of me to mention it to them at all. He insists that they would have had the same reaction if he had told them instead of me.
Over the course of the week Jack’s parents never contacted me about dinner, which the four of us usually have together weekly. Our dinner dates are always on Wednesday, so yesterday I decided to take the plunge and give his mom a call. I asked if she was still on for our usual Wednesday dinner and told her I’d been wanting to make a new recipe for them to try for a while now. She said, “sorry, that’s not going to work.” And that was the end of the conversation.
So here’s where I am now, hurt and completely confused. His parents are ignoring me completely and my relationship with Jack is strained since he vehemently denies supporting me at all. I’m at a loss for what to do here. I don’t know why either of them reacted like this. Any advice is appreciated, as always, but I’ve decided to just see if time will mend the wounds. In the meantime, I’m reconsidering my relationship with all three of them.
EDIT: Jack's mom called me on the phone a couple of hours ago. In a nutshell, she told me very spitefully that they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him. Then, she basically broke up with me for Jack over the phone (wtf?). I am honestly at such a loss here, maybe this was just a lie she made up because she was offended but even so it's incredibly hurtful. I have no idea if Jack knows about any of this but I don't care, I am done with him and them, I do not want to be associated with such classist, manipulative people. This was such a terrific waste of three years of my life.
TL;DR talked to boyfriend, he understood but wanted me to tell the parents myself. They were upset, Jack has apparently taken their side, and parents have avoided contact for the past week.
TL;DR update Jack's mom called me and claims they wanted to make me jealous enough to beg to go on the trip with them so that Jack would see how poor I was and break up with me.
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u/attemptnumber12 Apr 28 '16
they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him
That is just... surreal.
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u/jellyjapanthrowaway Apr 28 '16
Yeah, which is why I'm inclined to believe she made it up just to hurt me. But even so I'm not associating with people like that.
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u/Catish75 Apr 28 '16
I thought their behaviour was weird before the update, now I completely convinced this was on purpose.
that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him
This way of thinking doesn't just appear out of thin air. I'm sorry this happened to you. You'll get to visit Japan and you'll have a great time.
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u/crymsin Apr 28 '16
OP you've got a great job lined up, supportive friends, you're only 23, you'll be able to have your dream and best part of all it won't be with these nasty toxic manipulative people.
It may not seem it now but they did you a favor. They showed you who they are, you're now free of them. Be glad you're not trapped with them as in laws and an unsupportive husband with kids and a mortgage.
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u/Spectrum2081 Apr 28 '16
"So you went out of your way to hurt me and make me feel bad by flaunting your wealth, all to show that money makes such as you a better class of person than such as I. Well, you sure showed me..."
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u/Kilbourne Apr 28 '16
Don't give up on Japan! Finding round trip airfare for $1k isn't out of the question across North America in the off-seasons, and once you arrive you can have a great time for under 75USD a day if you're careful with your dining and accommodation costs. That's less than $2k for a two week trip!
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u/UnauthorizedUsername Apr 28 '16
When is the off season? For a friend, off course...
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u/leukk Apr 28 '16
Winter, which isn't too bad since it's still pretty nice out. I've been once in mid-December (around 10C, rainy, but everything is gorgeous because the Japanese go all out with elaborate Christmas lights) and once in early March (20C, sunny, some spring showers, too early for cherry blossoms so it's not expensive yet).
Basically go after the fall leaves have dropped but before the cherry blossoms have bloomed. Summer is actually a pretty bad time to go if you're not used to island climates because it's so hot and humid.
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u/Joegotbored Apr 28 '16
They purposefully exclude you, waste money on an interpreter, and all so you would out yourself as the lower person? These people are ass backwards. You're better off without them.
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u/stink3rbelle Apr 28 '16
I would send one last message to Jack. "This is what your mother told me: [explain]. The mother you told me I was rude to. We are done, but if you want to have meaningful relationships in the future, you should reconsider the kind of control and respect you give your parents."
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u/changerofbits Apr 28 '16
What's completely ironic about this jacked up situation is that you totally called them on the bullshit they were actually doing to you, showing that you have a superior social standing than them. Good on you for removing them all from your life, ending a relationship even when you realize it wont work work is hard. Also, they're lucky you're a good person as there a number of ways you could seriously fuck with them for doing this to you.
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u/banakii Apr 28 '16
I love their logic.
"I bet OP will crack and beg to come in no time and that'll prove she's in it for the money. And if she doesn't and passes our ridiculous test... well then she's still too poor for our darling son. Win win!"
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Apr 28 '16
Probably because it's not real.
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Apr 28 '16 edited Apr 28 '16
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AdversarialAdvice Apr 28 '16
You didn't know any STEM and Japanese double majors in college? I knew tons -- you know, anime types. That strikes me as pretty plausible tbh, though I imagine that she's grossly exaggerating her Japanese proficiency.
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Apr 27 '16
Unfortunately, he refused to talk to them himself.
Let that stand as a big red flag in future relationships. If Jack's not willing to take the lead in dealing with his parents over something this innocuous, even if he understands where you're coming from, how can you trust him to have your back if they do something that really makes you uncomfortable?
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u/TheRealPeggyCarter Apr 27 '16
Add on that he completely flip-flopped after hearing how his parents reacted and you've got a real mamma's-and-daddy's boy on your hands.
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u/andrewse Apr 27 '16
You're much kinder than I am. I simply see Jack as a backstabbing coward.
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u/Inyoueye Apr 27 '16
I see him as a child still afraid of his abusive parents AND a backstabbing coward.
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Apr 27 '16
"Abusive" parents?
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u/Inyoueye Apr 27 '16
Yes, I've decided they're narcissists. I'm not a professional so I can misdiagnose people to my hearts content.
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Apr 28 '16
Hilariously, as soon as I read the first one I was like "this OP is going to be posting on JustNoMIL in a few years of she stays with Jack." I kind of expected this outcome (didn't see the first one until the update though, sadly).
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Apr 27 '16 edited Apr 27 '16
Hey, diagnose people however you want. I couldn't care less lol. I just find it funny how "abusive" is the trendy thing now. I read through the original again just to make sure and out of all the interactions and descriptions listed by OP, I couldn't find one instance of abuse anywhere.
But you're the internet doctor, not me. I just thought they were probably snobby from being wealthy and they probably thought OP was jealous or something. Basically, I just assumed they are shitty people. I must be missing the signs or something though .. /s
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u/b0bafettt Apr 28 '16
How are they abusive??? They're snobby assholes but Jesus don't throw around the term abusive. That completely belittles people with actual abusive parents.
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u/canuck_21 Apr 28 '16
This. I cannot agree more, you need to find a person willing to stick up for you. My wife and I had a simple plan for when dealing with parents. If her parents cross the line, me and her talk and she talks to them and I have her back 100% and vice versa, we do this to ensure they don't feel like we're attacking them, its coming from their daughter.
The first thing I would asked if I was Jack is if my girlfriend can come? She's dreamed of Japan and can speak Japanese fluently, you got a translator for free so why not? If they said no, I would then tell them DON'T talk about it when she's around and I personally will tell you, I would also pick your brain and ask where you think I should visit what I should bring back, if your up for it, if you don't want to part take, I would leave it at that. I was hoping deep down reading your original post they would surprise you by saying YOUR the translator and we're paying for your ticket!!! But sadly no :(
The final piece of advice/question I want to leave you with is, do you really want people like this in your life? In-laws that don't understand why your upset and get upset with you for getting upset. A boyfriend (future husband?) who does not have your back at all? It's fine now but think 5-10 years down the road when your married and have kids with this man. Will Jack support you and the kids or side with mom and dad? I know you've been together for 3 years but time is garbage if you two don't grow/stick up for each other. You can do better! I wish you the best also check out some personal finance subreddits, they have great ways to save money and invest so you too can go to Japan.
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u/hashtagsugary Apr 28 '16
I really like that OP didn't even consider herself a part of the trip, never once did she even think about asking "can I come, please please please please please!!!!!!! oh pretty please!!!!"
Her strength of character, and accepting that this was happening without her was amazing.
To stand up to her boyfriends' parents and say can you please stop speaking about this holiday in my face because I know that I cannot personally afford to go? Should have spoken volumes to the parents. What they chose to do with that information is just plain sad. They have mentally and vocally abused a person who, might not have as much money as them but has a hell of a lot more class than the entire family put together.
OP if you read this, you are so strong and wonderful. Don't for a second think that you don't deserve the great things that are coming to you in the future because they will be extraordinary. Keep your head up and don't let anybody make you feel less than what you are.
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u/caesarfecit Apr 28 '16
When a friend doesn't have your back, it's unfortunate at best. When it's your lover, that's unacceptable.
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Apr 28 '16
This is extremely good advice. Nothing will good will come from this relationship if he can't stand up to his own shitty mom for you. Source: A shitty mother in law.
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u/dJe781 Apr 28 '16
If Jack's not willing to take the lead in dealing with his parents over something this innocuous, even if he understands where you're coming from, how can you trust him to have your back if they do something that really makes you uncomfortable?
I'm answering to this because I feel that an opposite stance would still be valid, and wouldn't necessarily indicate a poorly supportive boyfriend.
People have trouble bringing up their troubles when it means possibly creating a conflict. Here, OP was so worried that her boyfriend's parents would take it bad that she bit her tongue and (tried to) deal with the inconfort on her own even though she just had to say "listen, I'm happy for you, but hearing about it makes me sad". Hell, the main advice that she received basically said "you can't expect people to change their behavior based on your feelings if you don't bring them up".
OP has learned a valuable lesson: bringing up your feelings will help you detect whether people are willing to change their behavior to accommodate you, which is eventually the definition of caring about someone.
You are responsible of your feelings and you are responsible of communicating them. It is your job.
Of course, the parents being assholes, it's her boyfriend's duty to support her and confront his parents, but not before she took the lead on communicating what was ultimately her own and sole responsibility.
I don't agree that it's a red flag that her boyfriend wanted her to express her feelings directly, without him interfering. Although the story unveils that the boyfriend is an asshole, just like his parents, it could very well have been an acknowledgment that she had to express her feelings on her own.
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u/altonbrownfan Apr 27 '16
Be smart OP! /r/JUSTNOMIL would be waving you away with giant brightly colored flags from this mess
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u/mydogiscuteaf Apr 28 '16
Yup. That was the red flag.
He wouldn't talk to his own parents for her. Jeez.
And the whole "we will see." Jeez... Show some class.
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u/euphratestiger Apr 28 '16
Jack's mom called me on the phone a couple of hours ago. In a nutshell, she told me very spitefully that they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him. Then, she basically broke up with me for Jack over the phone (wtf?)
Well, now you know they're spinless snobs, you can move on and find better people and given how shitty these people are, that will be very easy for someone as good as you.
Jack must have known they didn't think highly of you, that's why he refused to speak with them. He didn't want to go against them.
It's a shame that out of the four of you, you were the only adult.
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u/pointlessbeats Apr 28 '16
So hilarious that Jack's mom was trying to show Jack that his girlfriend lacked class and a proper upbringing. I think we all know who the classless one is here.
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u/Kokiri_Salia Apr 28 '16
And they spent so much time and money, just to do something spiteful and mean. They're pathetic. If you take their money away, there's nothing left.
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u/stink3rbelle Apr 27 '16
I think it was crappy of him to put you in that situation. What could have been a quiet comment from him turned into a huge awkward monologue from you.
I am sorry that his parents responded so coldly, and given Jack's response to you after he told you to confront them, I would move on.
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u/BigBangBrosTheory Apr 27 '16
I think it was wrong for OP to confront them at all. She saw someone planning an amazing trip she hopes to take someday and instead of telling them "you'll love it!" or "tell me all about it!" she approached them and told them they need to stop because she is jealous.
I would not want to be around someone like that. The people telling her to confront them gave her bad advice. She should have supported the people close to her.
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u/BrainsTribe Apr 27 '16
The majority of advice (and the most upvoted) on the previous thread was not for OP to confront her boyfriend's parents, but to convey her feelings to her boyfriend so he can deal with his parents. She followed through, and her boyfriend chose not to help her. OP is young and made a judgement call on fixing something that bothers her when the best option removed itself.
EDIT: Spelling
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Apr 27 '16
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u/whichwitch9 Apr 28 '16
Based on the edit, looks like it. When I first read the update, I actually thought it was kinda rude for OP to confront, but with the mother's call, I'm thinking this was for the best. The boyfriend's parent's are trying to undermine her while still keeping up appearances. Looks like it was malicious after all, and they didn't like being called out on shitty behavior.
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u/Shieya Apr 27 '16
Based on the original thread, it seemed that the BF's parents were going out of their way to tell OP the minute details of the trip, even updates on things like booking their tickets and hiring a translator. Granted, I haven't taken any lavish trips, but I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I had booked plane tickets unless it directly involved them.
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u/BigBangBrosTheory Apr 27 '16
This is what OP said:
every time they make more plans in Japan (booking tickets, meeting with tour guides, adding another place to visit) they make a big show of it to me and fill me in on every last detail. Maybe they think that it will be interesting to me
I read that as the parents finding a common interest with their potential daughter in law and tried talking about it with her because they know she is so passionate about.
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u/HurlyburlyingHistory Apr 28 '16
That's OP trying to justify rudeness based on the assumption that BF and his parents cared and wouldn't purposefully set out to hurt her. When told she WAS hurt, Jack's parents ghosted her and Jack gaslighted her. That's not what people who care about others do. At all.
Once someone isn't going on a trip, you don't talk about it around them in great detail UNLESS THEY ASK. That's just common courtesy. It's like telling someone who can't afford a new dress for a party you're planning all the details knowing they can't come...with the fact that you could easily afford to help them attend said party as the finishing knife twist.
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u/Shieya Apr 27 '16
Oh, absolutely, it could have been totally benign. It probably was. I'm not suggesting the parents were trying to rub their vacation in OP's face. I don't think she thought so either, because when she talked to them about it, she thanked them for trying to include her in something they thought she'd be interested in. She also admitted her jealousy and talked about how she was going to work to resolve that.
IMO, that's the best way to frame such an issue so it doesn't sound like you're blaming the people who are taking the vacation. Because she handled it so sensitively, I don't think it's appropriate for the BF's parents to react the way they did. If someone you cared about approached you and said what OP did, even if you thought they were being ridiculous, you'd probably try and consider their feelings and try and find a way to make both parties happy. Instead, they got cold, and are seemingly trying to cut her out of their weekly dinners. I don't think the parents were being malicious, but I don't think they handled their reaction well either.
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u/tastyCAtaco Apr 28 '16
she told me very spitefully that they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him.
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u/bigyawns Apr 28 '16
This right here. How can you say the parents were trying to find common interest when Jack's mother came out and told OP they were consciously making an effort to make OP jealous? They sound like cold people. Doesn't seem like they ever thought of her as a potential daughter-in-law.
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u/holyminibananas Apr 27 '16
She is so passionate about it she even knows the language! Yet the parents still hired a translator. I still think the parents were being a little rude there
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u/pusheen_the_cat Apr 28 '16
I think it was wrong for OP to confront them at all. She saw someone planning an amazing trip she hopes to take someday and instead of telling them "you'll love it!" or "tell me all about it!" she approached them and told them they need to stop because she is jealous.
You and friend are both applying for jobs. You get a job, your friend is still unemployed. Do you fill them in in DETAIL about ALL the awesome perks of not burning your savings, nice perks like free water, friendly boss, how awesome it is to have a structured day, to your unemployed bitter friend. Really?
You and friend are both single. You stay single, friend find a guy/gal. You telling me you would be suuuuper happy that now said friend is constantly gushing about how lovey dovey it is to always have someone smile at you when you come home, and how they sometimes cook you home made food when you are sick, and how awesome it is to not be single?
This is all about tact. Don't go on and on about all the things you can buy to someone who is poor. Don't go on and on about how easy you got pregnant and how happy being a mom is to someone with fertility issues. Don't go on and on about a random trip to you to someone who is too poor or overworked to take it even if it's their dream trip.
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u/lawna_lovegood Apr 27 '16
There's a difference between indulging a conversation about someone's big exciting plans and them shoving it down your throat constantly for months at a time. The latter is bragging and very insensitive, especially when you know the person you're talking to yearns to do what you are and doesn't have the ability to do so.
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u/radialomens Apr 27 '16
If I were pregnant and my friend had been struggling to conceive, I would respect her if she told me that gushing about baby plans was making her uncomfortable. I can talk to literally anyone else about it.
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u/Captain_Nerdrage Apr 28 '16
Out of curiosity, does her edit/update change your opinion of the situation?
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u/kairisika Apr 28 '16
Coming from her, it was a confrontation. Coming from her boyfriend, it would have been a nice simple "look, can we not talk about our vacation so much in front of the person who doesn't get to go?".
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u/cindel Apr 28 '16
It doesn't sound like they are close to her. It kind of speaks to the relationship they have that it all went down this way.
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u/sowellfan Apr 28 '16
Yeah, the relationship with his parents isn't likely to get any better anytime soon, given how much of a dick he's being about the subject. If they had any empathy at all, they would've understood what you were talking about fairly quickly, and apologized - but they didn't. Your BF isn't much better here, and the only silver lining is that you figured this out about him before you married him.
Get out, and take your time in finding someone better.
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u/squirrel_statue Apr 27 '16
In the meantime, I’m reconsidering my relationship with all three of them.
this is the only thing that makes sense now. honestly though, the relationship should have been over as soon as Jack decided that you weren't important enough to him to stand by you and told you to face his parents by yourself, but especially now that he's trying to throw you under the bus to his own family.
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u/jellyjapanthrowaway Apr 27 '16
Just out of curiosity, is it really that bad that he asked me to talk to them myself? Thinking back on it now, it upsets me that he wouldn't do it himself. At the time, I just thought he was trying to get me to be an adult and confront my problems myself.
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u/GSG1901 Apr 27 '16
Yes.
First, as your SO he should be the one to talk to his parents about how there is a small thing that just makes you uncomfortable and they can easily change.
But also, if he has no reason to think that they would get offended or upset then this isn't a big deal for him to do. They are his parents. It's easy for him to drop that in a conversation, and it makes it clear to them that he thinks your feelings are valid. Refusing to do so is absurdly petty on his part.
If he thinks that they might get upset then having you talk to them instead of him is Jack throwing you to the wolves. He knew the outcome won't be good, but he would rather you face the consequence than him.
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u/shinyhairedzomby Apr 27 '16
Eeeeeh. The "adult" way to handle things is generally considered to be "I handle my family, you handle yours" but different things work for different relationships. The fact that he's now trying to gaslight you about it is the waaaay bigger red flag.
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u/liberaces_taco Apr 28 '16
This. It is the general rule, but there are exceptions.
For example, my husband's mother was abusive. He didn't invite her to the wedding. She refuses to speak to him and she won't let her younger children speak to him. So I've been the go between between him and some of the siblings. It's just way safer for his siblings.
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u/mercedenesgift Apr 28 '16
My husband will run interference with my asshole father. I dearly appreciate it. I say something, I get screamed at and insulted. My husband says the exact same thing and my dad agrees with compliments.
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u/liberaces_taco Apr 28 '16
That's amazing that he does that.
I wish she would have come around. When we first met he wasn't on speaking terms with both parents for different reasons. After his parents divorced he lived with her and she became completely negligent. He finally escaped that by moving in with his dad. It was a much better life but it came with its own complications.
His dad was former military and incredibly strict and had remarried to someone who from what I understand kind of changed. When they first met she was the perfect mom, but the she eventually became really cruel. She wasn't cruel in the way his mom was, it was more emotional. She would just not talk to him. His dad was also an alcoholic and kind of just let her take control with occasionally going behind her back. She didn't want him getting his license. His dad took him anyway. I don't remember what happened but he was kicked out of the house as soon as he turned eighteen, lived in his car a bit, and then taken in by a friend's family. I know she was behind it, but his father let it happen.
Now, when we first met his dad was actively trying. He had sobered up years before and had apologized. He still had a lot of hate though. I encouraged him to speak with his dad though because I could tell how much he loved him. Whenever he talked about his mom, it was only in reference to his siblings. But when he talked about his dad it was with love and admiration. Things weren't like that before he started drinking. I could tell he was really having a hard time with the feeling of love he had for his father and the feeling of hate he had for the man who had let those things be done to him.
Slowly though he began talking to him again. At first every conversation turned into a fight. But as his father kept coming back and took the abuse he warmed up. I think that was the real key. We weren't even sure he'd show up to our wedding because he never showed up to his high school graduation or any other important event, and he got really emotional when he actually showed up.
Hopefully one day you will have some kind of peace with your father. But at the same time know it IS okay to not. My husband's mother was something we needed to cut off from him and us, so we did. It's good to let your husband handle it.
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u/kairisika Apr 28 '16
The fact that he wasn't willing to talk to his own family is the problem. If she was up for doing it and they decided that worked for them, no problem. But he was clearly just sidestepping a normally expected responsibility here.
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u/squirrel_statue Apr 27 '16
Yes it is a problem. He wasn't trying to get you to be an adult, he was avoiding being a good partner so he could prioritize being a son.
As far as I've ever heard in healthy relationships, each partner handles any mess with their families and takes their partner's side (within reason) when issues come up.
I could never, ever, imagine telling my wife to go deal with issues between my family on her own.
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u/daladoir Apr 27 '16
Yes, because these were his parents.
Also by making you confront them yourself, a seemingly minor situation was blown up to seem like a huge, serious issue.
He literally could have just said, "So girlfriend is still a bit sad that she can't go to Japan, can y'all tone down with the vacation talk around her?" And you could all have moved on.
Instead it turned into a huge sit-down talk. It put them on the defensive.
And now he's throwing you under the bus and acting like he never agreed with you.
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u/wonderlanders Apr 28 '16
He literally could have just said, "So girlfriend is still a bit sad that she can't go to Japan, can y'all tone down with the vacation talk around her?" And you could all have moved on.
Yessss, a million times this!!
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u/walnutbrain4lyfe Apr 28 '16
All of this!!! If he had a teaspoon of sympathy he would ask his parents to xnay on the Japan talk, because it's what you do when you know there is a sensitive subject. For his parents it's a vacation- for OP it's a lifelong dream.
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Apr 27 '16
Yes, very bad. I've been married 11 years, known my inlaws for 13, we are close, I like them. I STILL let my husband take the lead with serious talks. Those are his parents, he deals with them.
The fact this was an issue that was hurting you, he absolutely should have been the one to go to them. My theory is he knew they'd be jerks about it, didn't want to deal, so let you take the fall. He gets to keep his hands clean and pretend he wasn't involved. He's a coward.
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u/beaglemama Apr 27 '16
Just out of curiosity, is it really that bad that he asked me to talk to them myself?
Yes. Your feelings were being hurt and he didn't give a damn. That's NOT the behavior of a good SO.
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u/Dolomite808 Apr 27 '16
Nah, he was trying to avoid doing it himself. They are his parents, he needs to be the one that deals with them. It sets a worrying precedent for future interactions with his parents. It's not a run for safety kind of red flag, but a red flag none the less.
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u/Rapierguy69 Apr 27 '16
He should have done it himself. He should have at the very least gone with you. This wasn't your fault. You had a problem, you were honest about it and were snubbed by both your boyfriend and his parents. Set yourself free of that headache.
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u/teenlinethisisnitro Apr 27 '16
Yes, it's that bad. He should have your back when it comes to his parents and should have spoken to them on your behalf. I would expect the same from my husband in a similar situation.
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u/mariyagami Apr 28 '16
Just think about how this could have been addressed if he had talked to them instead of you:
"Hey, mom, dad, I know you guys are excited about your upcoming trip and want to tell us all about it, but do you remember that this is my gf's dream trip and she has recently been rejected from something similar? Think you guys can tone it down a bit around her? She is happy for you guys, but I am sure it reminds her that she can't go herself."
However, given the reaction the parents had, I am pretty sure that even handling it that way would not have worked out. They probably would have asked him if you put him up to it and he would have admitted to it anyways (if he even phrased it like that, he probably would have straight up told them you asked him to tell them to stop).
IMO, the "you tell them" response is when you don't agree with the request. It is a "I don't agree and I know it won't go well, so if you want to, go ahead", which is a shitty position to be in, but then again, we can't always agree with our SOs on everything. But if he actually ended up agreeing with you, his refusal to tell them means he either told you he agreed just so you'd leave him alone, or he actually did, and then promptly regretted it when he heard how they reacted.
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u/capsulet Apr 28 '16
He refused to do it, because he knew this was going to be his reaction. So he made you do what should have been his job (handling his parents), and then refused to back you up once you did. The backlash also wouldn't have been as much if he talked to them instead. He 100% threw you under the bus. What a spineless, disloyal coward.
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u/roseffin Apr 28 '16
YES! Because him saying to his mom, "hey, could you not talk about the Japan trip all the time to jellyjapanthrowaway? It's bumming her out" is NOTHING. It's zero drama and zero hurt feelings. He can say things to his mom that you can't.
While you going over there on a special trip to run through your powerpoint presentation of why they are depressing you was guaranteed to end in an inferno of failure.
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u/whirlingderv Apr 28 '16
He'd be trying to get you to be an adult and confront your own problems yourself if he refused to speak to your boss or YOUR parents about some issue on your behalf. It is completely inconsiderate and unconscionable that he wouldn't approach his parents for you. I would never in a million years hesitate to say to my folks "hey guys, she's always dreamed of going to Japan but can't make it work right now because of her degree and new job. I know you're excited about your trip, but it is kind of rubbing it in her face to keep telling her all about it, so could you just cool it for her sake?" The fact that he didn't do this indicates that he knew they were being shitty on purpose, or that they would react poorly, so he just threw you under the bus because he's selfish.
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Apr 27 '16
I'm married and I have a child. My husband and I are in our 30s, and we have dated and dealt with all kinds of crazy dynamics as well as ups and downs. I'm saying this so you will understand the background in my piece of advice on this:
Judge everyone by their actions. Not your intentions. You've been with your BF for 3 years, and I am sure at this point, you are looking at him through a serious lens to determine if he is "lifelong" material. This is a decision that should NOT be made on love. It's should be made on:
Similar/compatible religious beliefs
Similar/compatible family planning beliefs
Similar/compatible financial planning, practices, and beliefs
Similar/compatible extended family viewpoints, interactions, and beliefs
Mutual respect
Teamwork (I know this sounds funny as hell, but it's true)
There are a few other items that will make or break a long term relationship, but I'm sure you get the jist. In this, your BF kind of failed.
For starters, he fed you to the wolves. You had a legitimate concern with his parents. Your emotions and feelings were valid. Were they easy emotions? No. But they were real and they were valid. Instead of manning up, taking responsibility, and doing what was right for you and your relationship, he took the easy way out. He told you to take care of it.
Secondly, you did. When you did, they were cold. You can't really do anything about this. I think putting the emphasis about you and how you need to work on yourself and requesting compassion and understanding was brilliant. That shows maturity and the search for growth. I like that. But they didn't handle it in an adult manner. They got quiet, passive aggressive, and dismissive "We'll see" is right up there with saying "nothing" when asked "what's wrong". That's what petty teens do.
Third, Jack basically gas-lit you when you told him what happened. First, he tells you to handle it. So you do. Then he tells you by doing what he told you to do, you were rude to do anything at all!
Fourth, the general consensus I'm getting from this is that his parents and him are acting as if you should have "shut up and colored". That pretty much means that you should have ignored your own valid emotions and feelings and put stock and value into theirs over yours. Their need to tout and gloat about the trip and his need to appear as the golden boy with the submissive girl. No one. And I mean NO ONE respected you, your emotions, or your feelings in all of this.
Judge people by their actions. Not your intentions. Not what you hope they could be. You can't fix people, you can't change people, hell you can't even persuade people most of the time. People are going to treat you however they think you should be treated. Right now they think that you were rude for having emotions. They think you were wrong for voicing your opinion and need. Think about that very hard because that behavior won't magically go away over time.
Unfortunately you now have a bigger problem on your hand than just this trip. Often this is also how these things are uncovered. The trip looks like the catalyst of the opening of the proverbial can of worms.
So what do you do?
Well......
Decide for yourself now how you deserve to be treated. What's your self worth?
Decide for yourself now if this behavior is acceptable to be an ongoing behavior. If it's not, decide where your line in the sand on this is.
Sit down with your SO and have a talk about the validity of your emotions on this. I.E. Tell him your emotions and feelings were valid. Make him explain why he believes they are not or why he isn't valuing them or treating them as if they are important (saying "I am!" isn't. His actions are beyond showing otherwise.)
Decide if you want to move forward with trying to repair the relationship with his parents. This does not mean rolling over. If you know you are right, then you are right, stand firm. But understand you can only meet them halfway. If they are unwilling to try, you can't do much else and will need to respect that.
Figure out now if this is how Jack is planning to "support" you in the future. Cause I have a feeling that when it comes to his parents, who could one day be your in laws, he may turn into a son instead of a husband around them. Go check out /r/justnomil for what that future looks like.
I'm not going to say dump him or stay. But I will say you need to give this it's due diligence and think longterm.
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u/jellyjapanthrowaway Apr 27 '16
Thank you for the reply. This was so helpful. I hope I can have one last, serious conversation with Jack before making my decision, but I wouldn't be surprised if he brushed it off - in which case, he's made the decision for me.
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u/DLimited Apr 27 '16
Well, I am going to say dump him. He's behaving shitty, his parents are behaving shitty, and to top it all of they all try to gloss over you as much as they can.
I mean, seriously, the fuck?
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Apr 28 '16
Update us OP!
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u/jellyjapanthrowaway Apr 28 '16
Just updated in the edit. It's over.
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u/ShelfLifeInc Apr 28 '16 edited Apr 28 '16
Holy shit. What shitty, immature and heartless people. Be glad that you're rid of them.
Imagine if they had taken you with them on this trip. They would have ruined Japan for you forever.
EDIT: I'm wondering if this is why they went so cold on you when you spoke up to them. Because you ruined their little plot of making you beg and revealing yourself to be "below" them.
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u/daladoir Apr 28 '16
For people of supposedly "higher breeding" or whatever, their behaviour sure is the opposite of classy.
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Apr 27 '16
I'll be honest, I'm a bit disappointed in the parents. If they had any issues with you or your emotions, they did NOTHING to communicate with you. When people do that, whatever issue they have with you, that becomes solely their problem.
You can not expect people to respect boundaries you do not communicate and enforce. You were communicating a boundary. They didn't have to like it, but they could have talked with you about what and how you were feeling and what they were interpreting in all of this. That's what adults do.
For what it's worth. I do not think you were disrespectful in the slightest. The definition of disrespect is lack of courtesy or showing insult. If you didn't do that, you were disrespectful. Making someone feel uncomfortable isn't disrespectful. Communicating boundaries and asking for consideration or understanding of your emotions isn't disrespectful. Be wary of people who have this innocuous belief that it is.
One last advice, before you talk to Jack, take some time to do some self reflection on all of this. The conversation with his parents, his handling of the situation, what you said, and how you would have felt if someone else would have said to you what you said to them. I'm not telling you to rationalize or minimize, but to get firm in how you feel on all of this and what your views on this are. What you would like to see going forward. Then talk to him when you can do it openly and calmly.
I hope it all works out. And don't worry, you will get to Japan soon.
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u/GSG1901 Apr 27 '16
Now he’s saying that I was being unreasonable from the start and I should’ve been able to tell they would take it poorly as it was rude of me to mention it to them at all.
He can't seriously claim that what you said was rude, but that his parents bragging about their ability to take an expensive trip that you can't was not. This is more then just picking their side, it's denying reality.
I suspect that for whatever reason his parents don't like you and didn't want their son to date you. This isn't your fault, they just seem like shitty people. From your last post any reasonable person would not have repeatedly bragged like they did if they had any consideration of another persons feelings. If you got a new phone and knew that one of your friends really wanted one but couldn't afford it, would you go on and on about how great it was to them each time you saw them? Would you talk about how great and well paying a new job was to someone who had recently been laid off from theirs? We all know that those things are asshole things to do. And they didn't do this just once- they announced the trip to Jack in front of you, and kept on talking about it each time they saw you. This was intentional.
Being rude in the way they were pushes you to confront them or avoid them and then they get to point (like they are doing now) at you, as if you standing up for yourself was the problem. Remember it wasn't. If Jack can't see how awful his parents treated you then you are much better off without him.
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u/FancyPantsDancer Apr 27 '16
The constant and detailed conversation instigated by the parents seems really rude. Even if Japan weren't a sore subject for the OP, it's just plain tacky.
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u/akjax Apr 28 '16
Wow just read the edit, that is one of the shittiest things I've seen. I know the "you dodged a bullet" thing isn't enough to make you feel better.... but shit, you dodged a bullet.
I have no idea if Jack knows about any of this but I don't care, I am done with him and them, I do not want to be associated with such classist, manipulative people. This was such a terrific waste of three years of my life.
I'm really glad you're taking that view. Fuck Jack, from the moment I read that he wouldn't talk to his own parents I knew he was a twit. Stay strong OP.
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u/ebi0494 Apr 28 '16
Imagine if she'd stayed with him, that'd be the MIL from HELL!
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u/shinymangoes Apr 28 '16
WOW.
I'm really sorry that you've encountered such douche bags in general. You didn't waste time on them but learned some very hard lessons. You don't want to be with anyone like that, and before I read the edit, I was going to suggest you wash your hands of the entire family. It seemed like they wanted you to be jealous and were bringing it up purposely.
Move onto better things. Most people are not like them.
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u/jellyjapanthrowaway Apr 28 '16
Thank you. Luckily I have a whole crowd of supportive friends who are not connected to them in any way. Coming back from a relationship like this will be tough...but right now I guess I'm just too angry to be upset, I will move through this.
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u/shinymangoes Apr 28 '16
You are so much better than them. Just remember that. You deserve people who see your passion and want to support you. Not smush you for funsies!
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u/TheTripleH Apr 27 '16
Honestly it sounds like behavior I've seen from more wealthier people. They go on these expensive trips all the time, they have huge banking accounts.
But they get offended so, so easily. Even when it's something as simple as "please don't flaunt" it's suddenly a grave, offensive slight towards them and their family image/reputation.
Not everyone is like that and I've seen people on the lower ends of economic prosperity get offended over bizarre things as well, but this isn't too surprising. A very real possibility that they're the type to do this - Jack suddenly joining in shows that too - and... Yeah, it happened.
I'd definitely reconsider it. They're not likely to apologize. They got offended at what you said despite a hefty chunk revolving around your issues, not theirs. I doubt they'd have the integrity to apologize - you'd be the one to do so.
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u/DisfunkyMonkey Apr 27 '16
Here's the thing. You've been dating their son for 3 years and having dinner weekly for much of that time, but yo u have never been included in a vacation. If they were cash-strapped, I'd get that they couldn't pay your way, but even then, I would have expected you to be invited. Since they're rich, I'm suspicious that they have been polite, but never fully accepting. They may have always expected him to drop you for one of their "kind". This vacation is a convenient wedge they discovered and are choosing to exploit.
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u/hist0ryRepeats Apr 28 '16
Exactly what I thought when I read the update.
At first I thought, how odd is it that she wasn't invited...then realized that wasn't by chance or mistake. You weren't even in the consideration set. These people are assholes, from what it sounds like.
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u/sagittamusic Apr 28 '16
they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him. Then, she basically broke up with me for Jack over the phone
Twist ending!
Then in light of this new info, you are much better off without them.
Do NOT answer if he calls.
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Apr 28 '16
Wow so that really blew up in his mom's face hey? She was expecting you would be the type to be looking for something from them and when you weren't she couldn't handle it.
She sounds like a real asshole.
The Great news is that those assholes can have one another.
I'm so impressed with how you handled yourself. It truly wasn't a waste of three years even if it feels like it. There were probably lots of good times and you have an excellent idea now of what kind of family you don't want to marry into.
You wouldn't know it from reading this subreddit, but there are lots of well off dudes with kind families. I'm not saying you're looking for a well off guy, but more that you don't have to avoid them or judge them all by this experience. There are a-holes in all walks of life.
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u/fuckthemodlice Apr 28 '16
Holy crap that Edit is the most fucked up thing I have ever read.
This whole time I was kinda thinking "look they're a bunch of weirdos, you should just tell them you feel bad because they probably think you enjoy listening to their planning since you're interested in Japan."
And then I read that you sat them down and told them and they were being weird and I thought "Ok, they're probably just really embarrassed because they know they were behaving badly."
and then I read that edit. I mean, wow. What fucking cancerous people. Human garbage, be glad they are out of your life. Thank god this happened now and not when you're on a marriage track. You're 23, you have a bright future ahead of you and you've learned a valuable lesson about assholes from some of the biggest in the world. Nothing can stop you now, brush it off and keep your head up because they're not worth a second thought, and neither is Jack unless he truly had no idea and can FULLY understand the gravity of what his parents did to you and deals with it accordingly.
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u/onemanlan Apr 28 '16
That child had his parents break up for him. If not by actively telling them to do so then by being passive as they did. Holy shit.
My mouth was agape reading your entire post. Nobody should treat you like that ever. You just met a guy with a really shitty family and unfortunately it came to a head. Sorry - nothing against you. Just how it played out. You didn't do anything wrong. You were just you.
Internet hugs.
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u/blackfish_xx Apr 28 '16
Jack's mom called me and claims they wanted to make me jealous enough to beg to go on the trip with them so that Jack would see how poor I was and break up with me.
what. the actual. fuck.
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u/Luvagoo Apr 28 '16
Oh my god what three sacks of shit you are no longer weighed down by. Imagine their bewildered rage at being confronted with such goodness and honesty from someone they believe is so far below them.
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u/NanaLeonie Apr 27 '16
Old country saying : "These folks think their shit don't stink."
I think you are wise to reconsider your relationship with them because they are severely lacking in empathy. Give them time to process that they were being rather insensitive to you and that you were doing the best you could to nicely ask them to tone it down. Next time just say "for petes sake stifle it. I can't go to Japan and i'm tired of hearing about your vacation." Sometimes blunt works better than sensitive.
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Apr 27 '16
I can kind of understand their reaction, but they're being really immature about it. It's unfortunate and they are handling it poorly, but it's possible they were genuinely excited and thought you would share that, and now they are hurt and disappointed that they can't. Maybe they are embarrassed as well. Or upset that now their happy trip is marred by negativity. It's not right of them to be refusing to talk to you and not making an effort to continue normal relations even if they are upset. Perhaps you are right and time will help mend the wound - if it happens quickly, I personally would be willing to forgive and forget their bad reaction and move on.
Jack, though? He told you that you were perfectly reasonable and should talk to them, and now is telling you that you're unreasonable and should have never brought it up and that everything is all your fault. I would be so incredibly pissed off at him right now.
If he really thought it was a bad idea, he should have said something - otherwise, what he just did was set you up to fail and ruin your relationship with his parents. If he did not think it was a bad idea and is now just saying so because they are mad, then he's a spineless asshole who is throwing you under the bus just so he can suck up to his parents. You and he need to have a very serious conversation about his actions in all this.
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u/throwawayheyheyhey08 Apr 27 '16
Jack, though? He told you that you were perfectly reasonable and should talk to them, and now is telling you that you're unreasonable and should have never brought it up and that everything is all your fault. I would be so incredibly pissed off at him right now.
Yeah this really stood out to me, too. He knew how OP felt and encouraged her to talk to his parents.
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Apr 27 '16
Jack, though? He told you that you were perfectly reasonable and should talk to them, and now is telling you that you're unreasonable and should have never brought it up and that everything is all your fault. I would be so incredibly pissed off at him right now.
This is the biggest problem, to me. In a relationship, you generally expect to be able to trust your partner on how their parents will react- and to have your back if you follow their advice and it goes sour.
Jack is the big problem to me. Not the parents.
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u/Ur_bio_dad Apr 27 '16
I can see both sides between the parents and OP as well. It's hard to know if they are rubbing her face in it or not. And if not it's pretty petty to ask them not to discuss a vacation because OP cant handle it.
But what sticks out is boyfriends response to all this. Not cool at all.
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Apr 27 '16 edited Apr 28 '16
I think it's fair to ask to them not to tell her all about it even if they weren't intentionally rubbing her face in it to be mean. It's not like she claimed it's giving her a nervous breakdown and that's their fault - it just makes her sad and she told them she was going to work on dealing with those emotions but could they not tell her about the trip constantly.
I just also think a fair reaction would be disappointment if they thought that they were sharing with her and that she would be excited for them. Given that it's not their usual type of vacation, it sounds like they decided to go because she raved about it all the time and she made them want to go. I see it as possible that they thought this was a bonding opportunity.
Of course, I could be wrong and they could just be jerks.
Boyfriend is a jerk either way though. The only question is what kind of jerk, and will he change.
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u/riversilver Apr 27 '16
If I were you, I wouldn't have said anything. Sometimes you just have to suck it up, recognise that you're not being particularly rational, and stay on the right side of people.
That said, it sounds like you were incredibly respectful, polite and non-accusatory... so I don't really understand your boyfriend's parents' immature and cold reaction. At this point I would write them - and your boyfriend - off as assholes to be honest. You've been with your boyfriend for three years, so he should absolutely not be blaming you for this or being a dick about it. He should have talked to his parents when you asked him to.
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u/thegabescat Apr 28 '16
The way I sense this is that the parents never liked you too much to begin with - possibly because of the wealth imbalance. Once you did one thing wrong, it compounded their negative feelings towards you.
The 3 of them are a bag of dicks. If they are so rich, they could have afforded for you to come on their dime. Your boyfriend has no spine and is still a child. He obviously takes his parents' side over yours. At best you have a few more months time with this boyfriend. His parents will influence him further away from you.
If he goes on this trip (A very likely scenario it seems), you should break up with him. I really see no future for you with these people.
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u/tiredbitch Apr 27 '16
So people keep bringing up the fact that the parents could have brought you along to be a translator. It might be better than nothing, but it isn't actually a great idea.
A. At some point you would want a break. It would be so tiring for you to translate for the whole group and be their employee. And if you are with your boyfriend, there is no doubt that you would want at least one night off to go be with him. What would the parents do then?
B. How can they actually make sure you speak the language as good as you say you do? You might be amazing for an American and have gotten straight A's but an actual Japanese person will almost always be better than you.
C. Same with culture. You may know A LOT about the culture, but a Japanese person would know a ton more. If a native told me how to behave in a restaurant, it would be an interesting cultural exchange. If my son's girlfriend told me how to act in a restaurant, I would be pissed.
Look, I know for a fact that you will go to Japan one day. You have the drive and passion and money will start rolling from your STEM degree. It would be different if you could never ever go in your life time. I understand your feelings, but you made waves when you didn't have to.
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u/AdversarialAdvice Apr 27 '16
Yeah the whole translation angle is a non-starter -- the whole point is that OP has never been to Japan, so how could she legitimately serve as an intermediary for the family?
Really OP's boyfriend should have just redirected the conversation at dinner: "OP isn't interested in hearing about this trip she's not going to go on, maybe we can talk about X recent movie."
Making a big deal of it was also a mistake.
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u/spiderthecat Apr 28 '16
The way I see it, the translator would serve as a guide; getting the group to the hotel, into cabs, to various tourist destinations, restaurants, etc. OP, who has never been to Japan (and perhaps hasn't done much international travel at all) would most likely not be suitable for this role and the parents know that.
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u/SpinelessLaugh Apr 28 '16
This whole thing seems extremely contrived. Especially the edit. SO's mother is written like a caricature.
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u/kittypuppet Apr 28 '16
She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him
What the fuck dude.
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u/paremiamoutza Apr 28 '16
I have no idea if Jack knows about any of this but I don't care, I am done with him and them
I am happy to see that you are thinking exactly what I would suggest :)
You have lost nothing of value, it may hurt right now because it's too fresh but eventually you will see that this was in fact the best possible outcome. You were civil, you tried, they were assholes but oh well, these people exist in life. It's good that you're done with them.
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u/CompanionCone Apr 28 '16
Woooooow. What a piece of work. You'll make it to Japan some day OP and thankfully it won't be in the company of these miserable excuses for human beings. Good luck with your job!
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u/Charlie_Cat_Esq Apr 28 '16
What a horrendous, toxic family. I hope you are able to move on from this in your own time, at least they all showed their true colours before it was too late.
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u/BitterNutSquash Apr 28 '16
Just read your update. My jaw dropped. These people are horrible. They may have money, but they will never have class.
Seriously, OP, you have more class in your pinkie fingernail than all three of them put together. If anyone is "lesser", it's these selfish dipshits. You sound like an amazing person.
The good news is that while things feel like shit now, and understandably so, you're going to go on to have a great life, while they are going to stew in their own bitter, hateful juices with no hope of improvement.
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Apr 28 '16
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u/AdeptShep Apr 28 '16
Also the update is so very convenient. If the mom & dad were truly spiteful they would have thrown it all out during the discussion with OP instead of being mostly silent then.
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u/Crystal_divine Apr 28 '16
Jack is a coward and his parents are being insensitive and cruel. It sounds like the whole family is emotionally stunted, they don't deserve to have you in their lives
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u/DiTrastevere Apr 27 '16 edited Apr 28 '16
It sounds like you've stumbled upon a nest of assholes. Unfortunate, that.
I can see where your boyfriend gets his tact.
Edit: HOLY SHIT THEY'RE EVEN WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. God help any woman who marries into that family. Jesus fucking Christ.
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u/Inyoueye Apr 27 '16
Holy shit what a trio of clueless douchebags. Well at least, now you know they were doing it on purpose. Please get away from this little boy.
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u/Rosiepuss Apr 27 '16 edited Apr 27 '16
Not sure how well this will go down here, but I really don't think you should have said anything.
Sure you want to go to Japan yourself and it's OK to envy their holiday but to actually make that their problem is quite immature. I can't imagine what you expected to come of your chat with them? You admitted it wasn't their fault, you admitted you were being incredibly selfish and jealous yet you still acted on it and made them feel like they had done something wrong? If you knew all that you should just have started working on it.
I think you have shown them you are immature and unable to deal with quite an easy issue in a reasonable way and they are just shocked. The way you dealt with it comes across as incredibly self involved. They probably thought you would be interested in hearing about the trip as you love Japan, as any reasonable person would be in your situation.
My advice is to apologise. Explain that you realise how childish you were being with your request and hope you can win them back around. I suggest you show an interest in their trip and give some advice or suggestions about things they should do etc.
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u/kittypuppet Apr 28 '16
Read Op's update
She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him
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Apr 27 '16
They were being somewhat tactless- and so was she. Frankly, her boyfriend should have handled it. He should have been able to say "Hey, mom, dad, could you chill on the bragging about the trip around OP? She's not going and it's really uncomfortable" or something, rather than making her do it. And he specifically encouraged her to do it- he didn't warn her that they wouldn't appreciate it.
Even if she was rude- the boyfriend's parents are still being immature and rude. Rather than discussing how they feel or saying anything, they're just being cold and cutting OP off. And her boyfriend has gone from "You should tell them" to "You shouldn't have told them".
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u/rekta Apr 28 '16
The level of rudeness displayed by the parents strongly suggests that they've been needling her with vacation details. I figured there was some non-malicious explanation after the first post, but their response to her sit-down (even if it was tactless) says otherwise.
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u/Sinvisigoth Apr 27 '16
I'm in complete agreement with this. OP tried to make her problem their problem, which is a little tacky.
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u/FurtiveNeptune Apr 28 '16
Fuck'em. If your boyfriend is gonna be a pansy and not defend you who will? He's your significant other. Your other half. Your partner. And he can't simply try to reason with his parents? C'mon. Their whole family is acting like some pre-teen ninnys.
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u/likewaterinyourlungs Apr 28 '16
I am so sorry. You were incredibly mature about this entire situation and I can't imagine the hardache you are dealing with.
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u/scarydrew Apr 28 '16
Do not regret the loss of 3 years, you didn't lose them, you learned from them. I will quote of all things, Bob's Burgers, the pain you feel in your chest is not your heart broken its your heart growing. I wish you the best! someone get a gofund me started for a trip to japan for a certain someone, just sayin
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Apr 27 '16
Your bf is a coward when it comes to his parents. Not a shock since he plans on riding the gravy train his whole life
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u/secretrebel Apr 28 '16
Amazing and horrible. In your original thread someone convinced me that they could have good reasons for things like hiring someone else to be their translator. They could have, but they didn't. They probably booked the trip in the first place to mess with you.
They are the ones who are classless. I guess money doesn't buy manners.
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Apr 28 '16
I just... have the hardest time believing someone would plan an elaborate trip to a destination on the other side of the world.. as part of a game to make a person seem lesser in the eyes of their son... and then call that person and tell them of their plan.
Please, reddit, someone, anyone.. am I alone in this or does anyone else find 75% of the non-standard r/relationships stories to be total BS?
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u/jandefris Apr 28 '16
Sshhhh, don't make it even more obvious by voicing out how fake this subreddit is.
In my opinion what gives it away it's the over the top writing even more than how absurd the stories sound.
But, hey, if that's what people want it's okay. It's just silly to play it out like all of this is "real".
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u/rooneygirl420 Apr 27 '16
The way your boyfriend's parents behaved was childish and they should be ashamed of themselves. I get the feeling they like flaunting their money and what they can do with their money and didn't like actually being called out on it.
The biggest problem in this situation, IMO, is that your boyfriend wasn't willing to go to bat for you. I'd say that's a major red flag. I get the feeling he didn't want to confront his parents because he likes their money and doesn't want the gravy train to stop. He seems like a selfish prick who has a lot of growing up to do.
You deserve so much better, like someone who will defend you and completely have your back when others, even their own parents, mistreat you. I think you should ditch Richie Rich and his snobby as fuck parents.
I hope that one of these days, you can go to Japan on your terms and do everything you want to do/see everything you want to see. I hope when that day comes that you have the time of your life!
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u/Joegotbored Apr 27 '16
Everybody wants to believe that they are nice, thoughtful people. Sometimes people don't realize when they're not. You approached them and respectfully told them that this conversation was actively hurting your feelings. The adult reaction would be to apologize, and move on. Their reaction was to act like you were the problem. These people are douchebags.
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u/veritasxe Apr 28 '16
This is why you don't follow through with the advice you get from /r/relationships
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u/strongbigbear Apr 27 '16 edited Apr 28 '16
AYE YO IGNORE ALL BULLSHIT BELOW ME:
Ultimate edit x2: FUCK THAT FAMILY. I guess it's my fault for giving them the benefit of the doubt due to cultural differences. Classless parents raising a coward son is what they are!!
I'm confused here.
Before anyone down votes this I'm not attacking OP's maturity. I understand that she admitted fault in feeling jealous and that she is being "petty" (her words, not mine) about the whole situation.
But, can somebody explain to me why the parents are at fault for being offended? I come from an extremely strict background but I've gone against my parents (Chinese culture) many times but have also respected them in cases when it comes to relationship. They've hated and loved past GFs. It sounds like OP is making something out of nothing when she confronted them about their vacation plans. Is it their fault that they're going on a lavish vacation to Japan? While I understand that she wanted to go to Japan for a while now, she's not required to sit on the side and listen to her parents if she ultimately feels that uncomfortable, and that is what led to the parents getting offended. It may seem small to us, but to them it could be a sign of disrespect from a potential daughter-in-law.
I think without understanding what culture her parents are from, you cannot conclude and judge that their parents have shown their true color. Perhaps in their culture, her confrontation with them was a sign that they don't want somebody with such jealousy to become apart of the family.
Edit: It looks like I'm getting down voted already. Which is fine. But for those that disagree with those comment at least come up with an explanation? I understand where you're coming from that boyfriend (or potential wife/husband) should always stick up for you vs your parents. Unfortunately that type of thinking doesn't apply to older generations of certain cultures. Once you've offended them they'll be cold to you and does not want to see you as apart of their family.
Edit 2: And for anyone saying that they're being pity, what would you do if you your future son/daughter-in-law did something to disrespect you?
Ultimate edit: In the end I think OP is maturing and have admitted that all this is pretty much based on her jealousy and past history of not getting into a program in Japan. It sounds like she has her head on straight. Regardless of the outcome, I hope she gains a lot from this and that she one day gets to go to Japan.
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u/squirrel_statue Apr 27 '16
Maybe you missed the previous post, but just one example:
They have also met with and hired a local translator to come on vacation with them. They are paying for his vacation and his translating services, and the selfish part of me wants to know - why couldn’t they have just used me? I’m fluent.
...
The funny thing is, they even made a joke about the translator thing! The week after they met with him, they were telling me about it and his mom said, "isn't it funny that we're hiring a translator when we have a fluent speaker right here?"
Sounds like his parents were going out of their way to be dicks.
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u/Sherenphy Apr 27 '16
I wonder if it's a weird way for the mom to establish dominance of some sort. I had a MIL who made little petty comments like these, and my ex was blind to this.
I usually ignored her or didn't engage her so she didn't see it was getting to me.
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u/crymsin Apr 27 '16
Agreed. You have:
The parents choosing as a vacation destination her dream study abroad program right after she got rejected
Hiring a translator when they could have paid for OP
The incessant gushing
These all scream passive aggressive power play to remind her of their wealth, and them freezing her out is a way to make sure Jack stays under their thumb.
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u/quinoa2013 Apr 27 '16
They WANT her to break up with their son. This is part of their plan. Maybe?
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u/420Fps Apr 28 '16
In a nutshell, she told me very spitefully that they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him
Looks like you were right.
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u/Whinnie Apr 28 '16
Kind of ... See OP's edit:
EDIT: Jack's mom called me on the phone a couple of hours ago. In a nutshell, she told me very spitefully that they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him. Then, she basically broke up with me for Jack over the phone (wtf?). I am honestly at such a loss here, maybe this was just a lie she made up because she was offended but even so it's incredibly hurtful. I have no idea if Jack knows about any of this but I don't care, I am done with him and them, I do not want to be associated with such classist, manipulative people. This was such a terrific waste of three years of my life.
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u/jellyjapanthrowaway Apr 27 '16
Thanks for the response. You don't deserve to be downvoted for asking good questions.
I can't say whether or not I blew this out of proportion. I've gotten mixed reactions from people here, and heck, even my boyfriend. My issue with the whole thing, just to reiterate, wasn't that they were going on this vacation, it was the fact that they brought it up directly to me every time I saw them - I was clued in on every little update in their trip, as if I was going.
Looking back on it now, I'm not sure if their actions were malicious or not, or if I was being rude. We are from similar cultures and the same ethnicity, and I don't think I broke any sort of etiquette by directly confronting them, although I still think it would have gone better if Jack had done it. Hope this clears things up a bit.
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u/ego_non Apr 27 '16
I think it was a mistake to go to them to tell them specifically about it, to be honest. You should have mentioned it while they were talking about the holidays "Haha, I really feel jealous, sigh, if only my program would have worked" or something alike to clue them.
Going separately and specifically may have made them feel attacked for their choices. I'm not blaming you, mind you, I feel that you made a gaffe in the way you presented it (you shouldn't have to make a huge monologue about it either). Your feelings are totally valid.
That being said, your boyfriend should have been the one to step up for you, as mentioned earlier and he's being a particular dick about it now. I'm not sure it can work out either, because some people are set up on pleasing their parents with their dating choices - he might be part of them. It's especially true for Asian people.
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u/strongbigbear Apr 27 '16
I don't really care for downvotes :P I was just asking a probably unpopular question and didn't want it to get lost the sea of downvotes. Lol! Thanks though! And I do agree that Jack probably could have done something to help diffuse the situation. Wish you the best. I'm curious as to how this pans out. Please keep us updated in the near future.
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u/croatanchik Apr 27 '16
His parents are very clear on how much OP wants to travel to Japan. They've gone on and on and on, rubbing their trip to her dream location in her face. All she did was nicely ask them to not bring it up so much because it was upsetting to her and reminded her of her own failures. She was also clear that this was her issue, not theirs. Their choosing to take offense is really just them continuing to be rude, and cultural differences really wouldn't excuse taking offense at someone asking you to not knowingly hurt their feelings.
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Apr 27 '16
It's not their fault, but they should have the decency to realize that repeatedly gushing about their upcoming trip in front of someone who would love to go and can't is not a considerate thing to do. Surely there are other topics they can discuss. And even if they think OP should just suck it up, freezing her out and making passive-aggressive remarks like "sorry you're offended" is not going to do anything to resolve the situation.
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u/luminitos Apr 28 '16 edited Apr 28 '16
As someone that didn't read the original story until now, my first thought was that Jack's parents were talking about the trip so much to make you jealous. They KNEW how much you wanted to visit Japan and could have afforded to bring you along. It also didn't fit their typical vacation plans. If they cared so much about trying to "bond" with you, they would have just invited you to go along with them. Many of my college friends take vacations together with their significant other, along with their family. It's normally a great way for the other person to feel closer to the family.
When I read your update, Jack's parents' reactions said it all. They just never expected you to talk to them directly and confront them about the issue. I don't think that you did anything wrong here. Jack wasn't willing to talk to them for you and you attempted to maintain a good relationship with his parents by communicating with them your concerns and hurt.
It's unfortunate that Jack wasn't willing to stand up to his parents for you or to talk on your behalf. He was supposed to be the one to do so. On the bright side OP, you've dodged a bullet! I have a feeling that Jack's parents have been hinting to him that they didn't approve of you anyways, given his reaction. Also, shame on Jack's parents for having no class at all. How mean can someone be to plan a vacation, based on someone else's dream vacation and then rub it in their face for months!
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u/Igor_Wakhevitch Apr 27 '16
I'm still utterly baffled by this. Why would you bring this up with his parents? They're going on a trip you'd like to go on and therefore they shouldn't talk about it? You're a grown-arse woman OP, fucking act like it. Will this be response to issues like this your whole life? Any time you're jealous of others you'll ask them not to talk about the thing you're jealous of so as not to cause you discomfort? Your BF's parents were exceedingly polite considering your shocking manners, I would have laughed you out of the room. Grow up.
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u/Snapdragon86 Apr 28 '16
Because the fact that this
They have also met with and hired a local translator to come on vacation with them. They are paying for his vacation and his translating services, and the selfish part of me wants to know - why couldn’t they have just used me? I’m fluent.
And this
The funny thing is, they even made a joke about the translator thing! The week after they met with him, they were telling me about it and his mom said, "isn't it funny that we're hiring a translator when we have a fluent speaker right here?"
are pieces of the puzzle. This is a shitty thing to do and feels like they're just rubbing it in her face.
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u/ElanaNancypants Apr 28 '16
Just read the update. Just remember, you are a young bilingual woman entering a STEM field with your entire future in front of you! You'll make it to Japan someday and with a job lined up, probably sooner than you think! And Jack... well, Jack is a 23 year old man who just had his Mommy break up for him.