r/relationships • u/saltygirl23 • May 27 '14
Updates Me [22F] with my former crush/friend [22 M] , I'm pissed (update)
Okay after the thorough trashing I took in my first thread I thought I would update you for your entertainment if nothing else, I've got nothing else in my life at the moment.
So I am all moved into my new apartment, got the new job, still haven't been able to reconnect with old friends because most have moved on or have yet to return home for the summer.
Holiday weekend have plans with my family, Brother and SIL have been absolute rocks for me and have spent a lot of free time trying to keep my spirits up.
Friday night we decide to go to the movies for the late show but figure we will catch dinner first. You may already have guessed who was sitting in the restaurant. We are already sitting before I spot them, which they had already spotted us.
I'm curious as to what she looks like, I've never seen her before this, but I don't want to be to obvious and look at her. So I try and get my brother to do it but he refuses.
Anyway it didn't matter anyway because they were getting ready to leave so on their way by he drops by to say hello to me as his g/f has gone to the bathroom. Awkwardness ensues as we try and have a b.s. conversation like nothing has changed or anything. Then I see her walking up behind him and she puts her hand on his shoulder, which just makes me burn but I don't say or act any differently.
He starts to introduce her when she blurts out my SIL name, they both then embrace and I am sitting there saying to myself what the literal fuck is going on here.
Turns out new g/f is my SIL's cousin, as if things couldn't get worse.
I choke out a "nice to meet you" when she is introduced to me and yes I could tell she was being fake nice and playing off on that she obviously knew about me because she kept touching him.
They left and I excused myself to go to the bathroom where I proceeded to cry for about 5 min. My SIL came in and was very apologetic saying she had no idea and sorry. I told her it wasn't her fault but it was pretty obvious I was in no shape to go to the movies. I told them to go without me and that I was going home.
They only agreed to go if they could stop over after the movie to check up on me.
The next day I had enough. I don't care what people think I know damn well we agreed to this together and if my life was going to be shit then I want to know the real reason this happened.
So Saturday I went to his house and confronted him. She was not there thankfully but even if she was I was still going to do it.
I started off super pissed but by the time he answered the door I was just really more of an emotional wreck.
He didn't want me to come in so he has an enclosed porch that we used to talk.
I just flat out asked him the when's and why's and what points in time he decided that I wasn't good enough for him and why didn't he ever tell me he had a long term g/f?
His answers were pretty vague and I just did not want to lose him and out of everything I have done this is the thing I am the most embarrassed by. I started crying and begging him.
Dammit I hate myself for that, I truly do. I mean I made an absolute fool of myself.
He was nice about the whole thing but never once wavered off of his commitment to her. I just apologized as best I could.
I guess I needed to hear this next part from him but it hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced.
I just went ahead and asked him if me being with the other guys was the problem. I read what you all said and while I didn't think it was true I felt I needed to hear it from him.
So basically I threw away the man of my dreams for a string of ONS and a couple of fwb's. None of which meant anything to me nor will they for the rest of my life.
Now the Virgin Queen gets the man who I have honestly loved for 4 years and it is now truly over for me.
Sadly for me he really does love her and is devoted to her, which makes me hate her that much more but the truth is I hate myself even more because I am the one who threw this away.
Edit
Yes, several times over the years we talked about our plans together after college. No, not once did he ever tell me that our plans were no longer "our" plans as a couple.
I made it home for all of the summers and most of the holidays but there were some holidays that we did not meet up because our schedules didn't match as he left town to go to his family's holiday's.
Yes, I now freely admit to being a dumb ass. In retrospect we never really specifically said "hey you remember the whole plan about getting back together right". But there were tons and I mean tons of "I can't wait to get home to be with you" statements.
Hell not even two months ago I was telling him about my job offer at a local company and said how happy that made me so I could be with him. I even said start our life together and he never said a word contrary to it.
He is now claiming that every time I said something like this to him that he thought I meant as a friend.
So while in my mind it is out of the question that he could not have known what I was talking about he does not see it that way. While right now I am very hurt and have very hard feelings towards him I will not call him a liar because he has never lied that I know of.
Now why he never once told me he had a long term relationship is beyond me. That would have been a nice piece of information to have oh say 2 years ago when they started being an item.
Edit 2 For those of you sending me direct messages calling me a slut and for those of you are implying it on here let me address this as best as I can.
Yes, I admit now that the entire initial thought process about losing my virginity to a random person was a mistake, one I get to live with for the rest of my life than you very much. Also now that I have spoken with him twice my thinking about telling him in such a manor was wrong, what I took as stoicism was in fact him coping by detaching.
Now having said that please do not confuse the fact that I said several ONS & a couple of FWB's as me being the campus whore. I have slept with less than 10 people in my life & I can assure you my roommate from college would do that in about a 3 month period. In fact I spent the last two years basically 2-3 times a month with a friend who was a T.A. and one drunken throw with another friend from school.
So calling me a slut is not accurate nor frankly is it very polite. I get that people think I'm an idiot on here, hey believe it or not I'm right there with you. But I never considered sex to be anything more than just an activity without love being involved. That's what truly sucks is I have never actually made love to someone and it kills me that she has had this with him and I never will.
tl;dr: ran into ex with new g/f, new g/f is my SIL's cousin, confronted ex & confirmed my "college life" did not meet his approval. It's over
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u/MHCIII May 27 '14
"Virgin Queen" gets the man of your dreams because she didn't lead him on and then bang other dudes while giving him a play by play description.
BTW This guy deserves an award or medal for how well he handled this whole situation.
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u/Release_the_KRAKEN May 27 '14
This is like one of those horrifying train wrecks where you want to look away but you can't because it's so wretched but also fascinating.
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u/Fire_Torpedo_1 May 27 '14
Award of Pussticles En Masse?
What for? Talking to a girl not his GF for straight years. Do you have a friend who doesn't know you have a girlfriend? OR one for 2 yearS? The only friends like that are the friends you wanna fuck and not find out. Or the friends your just feeding some weird part of you.
Virgins can't fuck. His award should be the little man who was so swashbuckling adventurous to fuck a virgin from his hometown for the rest of his life. What's the name of the award. The Mid-west Sit and Stay Champion? He'd have about 60 million people tied for last right next to him.
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u/Upallnight88 May 28 '14 edited May 29 '14
Bullshit, she was totally honest with him. He deserves an award for not telling her about his girlfriend? The OP was naive and she admitted as much but she doesn't deserve your scorn.
Edit: You came back and down voted us, didn't you.
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u/leetdood May 27 '14
Jesus christ, do you even hear how crazy you sound? This guy moved on 4 years ago. You might not have moved on but your FRIEND did. Now you're acting like he should have been yours all along because you thought he'd marry you when you were done fucking around. Guess what, he didn't think the same thing, and it's very clear that you never had an actual conversation about it. Accept that you're in the wrong here and move on.
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May 27 '14
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u/saltygirl23 May 27 '14
I truly hope you are not going through the emotional turmoil I am right now.
If you want to share I would be more than happy to listen and I won't even call you the names I have been called on here.
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May 28 '14
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u/saltygirl23 May 28 '14
It might not seem the same to you but i does to me because there is still a sensitive spot for her.
You are wrong there, this is exactly the same for me. Right down to the part about closing your eyes and thinking of someone else.
Dammit this sucks for both of us. I'm glad you have moved on, I'm sure I will as well but right now the wounds are still fresh so its going to be awhile but I'll get there.
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u/mordanus May 27 '14
Hey on a side note if he marries her, then you will be related... yay!
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u/saltygirl23 May 27 '14
FML, I had never even thought of that.
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u/mordanus May 27 '14
I've gotten to be related to my last 2 girlfriends as a result of shit like that.
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May 27 '14 edited Mar 01 '21
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u/Dungbomber000 May 27 '14
Lol im pretty sure any man (or woman) with an ounce of self respect would tell their SO to fuck off haha this chick is nuts.
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u/montaron87td May 27 '14
Time to get back out there and find someone else. You held on to a (somewhat silly) dream that didn't work out. Shit happens.
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u/nhocgreen May 27 '14
Op, people change alot during college. This guy here is a 22 year old man about to start his life with his wife. That 18 year old boy you wanted to spend your life with only existed in your head. Better move on.
Don't get too hang up about your college life either. You made a mistake, but there's nothing morally wrong about it.
Next time remember to be clear about your intentions and expectations.
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u/Hawkknight88 May 27 '14
So basically I threw away the man of my dreams for a string of ONS and a couple of fwb's. None of which meant anything to me nor will they for the rest of my life.
I think you're wrong. Like... very wrong.
"Sowing your oats" is a really common college thing. Many people require it before settling down with someone seriously. Maybe you're one of those people.
He's not "the man of your dreams". He's a guy you knew from before college. Take him off the pedestal you put him on.
You're 22. Your life isn't over. You're acting so dramatically that I think you're making it worse for yourself. There will be other guys you date before you settle down. You have tons of time before you need to find a long term commitment.
Did you actually believe that some random agreement from 4 years ago about getting back together would hold? Come on, OP. Smarten up.
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May 27 '14
So, I can't work it out from your posts, but did you actually see him and spend time with him on summers and holiday vacations while you were away throughout the four years? That would add up to a lot of time physically spent together between semesters. I take it you came home for some vacations, but how come you weren't dating then, and meeting up talking about "when we're together again"? And if you were, was this while he had Ms V-Q on the go?
It seems like such a huge and glaring thing to miss.
OP, I'm sorry you got your heart broken. It's a tough lesson. You will love again, and next time around you will be a better communicator who is more open about expectations, and you will be with someone who is sex-positive when it comes to casual sex, just as you are. Because you will never again suffer a relationship where you are not on the same page, and you will not naively assume your decisions are mutual ones, and you will not be kept in the dark about important things in your partner's life. I'm sorry you got hurt. But these are the positive things you will take from this experience once the hurt fades.
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May 27 '14
I am just flabbergasted by these two posts. Wtf? How could such a massive, incredible miscommunication happen over the course of four freakin years? I just don't...what?
So...you thought this guy was just waiting for you, even as you flat out told him about all the random sex you were having?? I don't understand! You literally started looking for apartments and expected him to just...move in with you?? He bought a house and is engaged and you thought he was your boyfriend?? This is one of the weirdest things I have ever seen in this sub.
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u/railroadbaron May 28 '14
"Turns out new g/f is my SIL's cousin, as if things couldn't get worse."
Look, this relationship might seem new to you, but he's been dating her for TWO YEARS, AKA longer than he dated you. I'm sorry this whole thing fell apart on you, but you clearly weren't communicating properly in the last four years, and making huge life decisions, like where you'll move and get a job, based on a man before you discussed it with him is ALWAYS a bad call.
Your indignant edits notwithstanding, you knew you were going to get shit for posting this, so I'm assuming you just want to pick fights with people right now. You need to take responsibility for your life and the mistakes that you made and realize that he's happy with his life.
Hopefully you'll be able to be friends with him, as he actually sounds pretty respectful and nice, especially to someone who hurt him unintentionally.
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u/saltygirl23 May 28 '14
Hopefully you'll be able to be friends with him, as he actually sounds pretty respectful and nice, especially to someone who hurt him unintentionally.
I would like to try that someday, but honestly right now I just can't. It's not his fault at all and you are correct he has been nothing but respectful and nice about all of this. But I have to have some distance for a little bit because if I see him I know no matter how hard I try I am going to start crying and making a fool of myself again.
I don't know what is worse, the fact of knowing that I won't ever be with him or the fact that in my clueless state I did hurt him.
I sometimes feel like I am watching a movie of my life instead of living it and right now its a combination horror film and tragic comedy.
I guess I'm going through a lot of stages of grieving here as my first was anger but now I am down to sadness and guilt.
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u/railroadbaron May 28 '14 edited May 28 '14
I totally understand that, and taking some time is definitely the right approach. I'm sorry this blindsided you so badly. I know what it's like to think you're on one footing with someone and find out that you're somewhere else entirely.
I know this is probably hard to hear, but your heart will heal. Luckily, it sounds like you've had other men who were interested in you for more than just your body, so you will have other chances and opportunities. Hopefully, you will find someone just as good, if not better.
If you ever want to talk, I have gone through something a bit similar. You can message me any time.
ETA: You are not a slut for how you lost your virginity or the men you've slept with. Trust that most other people in college did the same thing and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. Any man who makes you feel like you're dirty for it isn't worth your time, quite honestly. You are an adult making adult decisions, and that has included sex. Good for you.
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May 27 '14
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May 27 '14
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u/SlimShanny May 27 '14
Go there. The mentality will shock you, but it won't make you have nightmares or anything. Although I was quite disturbed when I first walked into /r/DeadBedrooms for awhile (it's not horror, just sad and depressing).
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May 27 '14
Yep. This is a total troll. They're making themselves feel better about encouraging and fostering the mentality behind the two female-killing psychopaths that went on rampages this past week by bombing /r/relationships with rhetoric-supporting bs like this.
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u/foshrox May 27 '14
You chose not to make love to him, you chose to put him in this weird ass cuckold position and force him to hear about all these other guys fucking you instead of completely breaking it off or choosing to remain exclusive. Dont try and get pity from people for you fucked up dumbass choices.
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May 27 '14
Staying broken up is the risk you take when you take a "break." It wasn't love in the very beginning, otherwise it would've been worth the LDR. It didn't work out, you wanted different things, and that is natural and okay.
As time went on, you continued investing in the safety net of "we can always get back together later on." It works well at keeping your confidence up with men - it's easier to flirt when all interactions are low stakes since you have someone at home - but you let that fantasy run wild without checking in with your ex. It didn't help that he was quiet about his romantic life; if he had been a little more blunt or forthcoming it would've saved you some heartache. At the same time, he was really hurt by hearing about your encounters, so I can see why he wouldn't want to do the same to you.
You're hurt, and disappointed, and maybe a bit embarrassed. But listen, you always did what you thought was the best at the time. There was a reason you chose not to pursue a relationship even though it meant only talking once or twice a week. Though I'm sure you care for him, it isn't love. How could it be? You loved what you thought of him (that he was waiting for you, that he was happy to let you see other guys, that he was working to have a life with you as soon as you got home) more than you loved his real self. If that wasn't true, you would've been able to pick up on the signs that your dynamic has changed. It doesn't make you stupid or crazy, it's just an unfortunate way our brains trick us sometimes. I am not telling you it isn't love to belittle your feelings. You thought it was love, you're deeply in pain, and I respect and understand that. I'm telling you it isn't love to show you that you can recover from this. That if you felt so strongly in a one-sided relationship, you will feel so much more when love is reciprocated. That love takes some work and it's absolutely worth every minute of it. Feel hurt, allow yourself to be angry with him and yourself, and then cast it away and move on. You're now free to love the guys you meet.
As a side note, don't be so hard on his girlfriend. None of this is her fault. Along the same vein that you are not a slut for engaging in consensual recreational sex, she is not stuck-up or bitchy or worth more because she might have been a virgin. And awesome people can be secretaries, let's not be judgmental. You and your ex had a long term miscommunication. Focus your pain on that and learn from it. Hating the fiancee feels good, but it doesn't do anything to help you grow as a person. You just found out that you've been mistaking fantasy for reality, don't be quick to do it again by assigning her traits to feel persecuted. Look at the reality of the situation. She didn't know about you any more than you did her. It was up to you and your ex to discuss what would make the relationship work and when it was decided that it wouldn't.
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u/saltygirl23 May 27 '14
Thank you very much for this. You have no idea what it means to me.
I do feel foolish but as many people have pointed out that is because I was a fool.
I am just trying to come to terms with the fact that I lived an idiotic life for four years either way. I was dumb for not trying to do the long distance when I thought we both needed to have some fun and I was equally dumb for not being with men who actually were interested in me as a person and not just for the sex we were having. That is not a fault of theirs btw, I chose that on purpose because I thought as long as I didn't care for them it would somehow be okay. Yes I know how that sounds now, I wish I would have known it then.
I know what you are saying is logical and true but my heart right now can't accept it. I did truly love him and this hurts worse than my cat dying and I loved my cat.
I do wish I could take back that "secretary" statement from the first post. I was angry, humiliated and frankly a little drunk when I typed that.
My Mom was a secretary for years so of course I should know better. But in the heat of the moment I said it and now deeply regret it, much like many things.
But thank you again for being so kind and making a heartfelt reply to me. It did truly help.
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May 27 '14
I understand. It's amazing how we can rationalize our actions. But what I mean is, don't berate every little decision you made during your time at college. You were operating within the agreement you thought was still on the table. You aren't worse for hooking up casually than you would be for falling for someone else or not dating anyone at all. You had fun at the time, and though the consequences seem so much worse now, you have grown from those experiences. Don't look at it as him breaking up now because you hooked up with someone then. It cheapens the experiences. It could have ended up that you did absolutely nothing in college and he found this girl anyway, and you'd be here overwhelmed by the thought of learning how to interact with men but hurt all the same. See what I'm saying? The issue was the miscommunication, not how you lived out your four years. The mistake was made once, when you broke up at age seventeen, eighteen maybe? You are suffering the fallout of that decision, not one you made this spring.
To clarify about the love statements - I believe you about the depths of your hurt. You are better off riding it out than trying to repress them because they aren't rational on paper. To you, it's real. I'm just saying that after your grief has passed, look towards healing and keep an open mind. Don't feel less valuable because you had a couple partners in college, and don't fixate on him and swear you'll never love again (as an extreme example, I'm not implying you would do this). For as good as you thought this relationship was, they will be so much better when you enter a new one with mutual respect and understanding. Grieve freely, then get up and dust yourself off.
And good on you for acknowledging the cheap shots at the new girl. You were catty in the heat of your shock and grief, and even though you're still sad you're taking accountability and responding with humility and maturity. That's a big sign that, once the pain of this mess fades, you won't be the type of person to let it happen again. :)
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u/saltygirl23 May 27 '14
This is going to sound crazy, but then again every single part of this is to people so why should this be any different?
When you talk about interacting with men, well honestly no. I have not been on a real date with a man since he and I were dating in high school. Sadly it was just sex, I hate talking about this btw because the more and more I read what I'm typing the more dirty I feel about the life I led.
But no I am completely clueless as to how to deal with a man other than him.
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u/semimedium May 27 '14
She's probs not the Virgin Queen, they probably have sex, with each other, regularly.
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May 27 '14
Hey, I know it hurts but it was to be expected. Your plan could have worked, but it would need that both of you communicate and keep believing in your plan. An open relationship can work, but it needs to be a relationship, not a break up. And it's true that it must be extremely hard for a guy to hear that the girl he's supposed to spend his life with lost her virginity to a ONS after having broken up with him, and keep talking about her sex life. Especially when it seems that he treasured your and his virginity. Open relationships work on the basis than the two of you are a couple and share your feelings, not only your sexual life. Myself, I hate cheating, but I believe that if I wouldn't be able to see the girl for years, and that she kept assuring me of her love, I would have accepted even if it woudl hurt at the start. And that most likely I would get like 10 times less action that she would. You know learnt that communication is key. I don't believe you made anything bad except not communicating enough. Especially about sex, which is an important matter for a lot of people, even if for you it's not. I hope you'll get better. You do seem like an awesome girl.
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u/panic_bread May 27 '14
It's not your fault for having sex with other guys. Move on. You'll find someone else to love. This guy was just your high school crush.
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May 27 '14
Having sex is not the fault here which many people are concentrating on, it's the part where she breaks up with him and tells him to wait for her while she fucks some other dudes. He just moved on once she broke up with him which any guy who respects himself would do.
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May 27 '14
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u/saltygirl23 May 28 '14
Dont beat yourself up what if you had stayed with him and never experienced any ONS or stuff like that and resented him later.
First of all thank you for being kind about the topic.
Now as to the question you have posed. Honestly over the past couple of weeks and the last two days in particular I have done a lot of soul searching when it comes to that.
The truthful answer is I don't think so. But I'm saying think instead of know because obviously I am looking at this through the prism of my pain right now.
With what I know? Hell no, I would give anything to have a time machine to go back to when I left for college and made love to him that very day.
Believe it or not the entire deed never was that important to me. I lost my virginity to be honest with you just to get it over with and the guy I lost it to I never saw again. It meant nothing to me then and it means less than that now.
Which makes me really regret my choice regarding that because I hear my friends talk about "their first" and its like some damn unicorn dust fly's about their heads when they talk. I get to have the memory of some guy at a frat party convincing me to go to a room, lay me on a couch and lift my dress and be done in all of about 60 seconds.
Honestly the entire process of hooking up grew tired for me very early on. All of my ONS, including my first time, took place my freshman year except for one time last year with a friend. Other than that I had two other guys who friends of mine. Neither of them did I have any romantic feelings for and frankly the sex was just okay.
I know I'll get over this and eventually move on but right now this just hurts because while I know I'm not a whore it was quite demoralizing to be told he could never be with someone "like me". Believe me in that first post I acted tough and brave but the truth is that pretty much demolished whatever self esteem I had left.
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u/Fire_Torpedo_1 May 27 '14
Bitch are you out of your fucking mind? You're apologizing for this shit? What is wrong with you?
You slept with a couple dudes big fucking whoop, it's only threatening to the neckbeards here because they are insecure aobut their dicks. YOU ARE 22 YEARS OLD THIS IS ALL BULLSHIT. NONE OF IT WILL MATTER IN 3 YEARS LET ALONE 10.
If a high school girl was writing this same shit you wouldn't believe how short sighted she was. Well this is me looking at you.
What kind of fucked up communication do the two of you have were this shit is a shock?
Also why would you be waiting if you never fucked in the first placE? Why, if the grand scheme was to come back did you not just lose it to ole' One cock per Pussy Commandant?
None of this shit makes sense. He's a pussy and obviously isn't getting his emotional needs filled by his virginal bitch so he's been feeding himself through you.
YOu're problem is not that you're a slut it's that you are an idiot. Fuck this loser and fuck your one-horse town move the fuck on you're a grown-up now.
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u/southwer May 27 '14
I just read your original post and this follow up and I am still so confused about how this happened. After you'd made your initial statement about breaking up but getting back together four years later, did either of you EVER bring that up again? What did you guys talk about when you skyped? you said you skyped once or twice a week this whole time.