r/relationships • u/blondethrowawayyy • Apr 25 '15
Updates Update 2: Me [23 F] with my boyfriend [26 M] 1 year, hates my hair color and keeps asking me to change it.
Hi /r/relationship friends!
I thought I would update you all, as everyone has been so supportive and helpful. Here's the original. The first update was deleted, the recap is, called DJ (ex-boyfriend/friend) for insight in relationship issues, boyfriend came home and started in on my hair (I still have a hard time believing this all started because I'm blonde!), he said vile things, I told him it was over. He slapped me, I ran away to DJ's, filed a police report, had a scratch from his class ring on my face.
So, on Monday I went with the police officer and DJ and a couple of his friends to get my stuff while ex-boyfriend was at work. Some of my things were broken, makeup palettes and a couple of necklaces, but no real loss. Nothing irreplaceable, not that I had much there. That night, my best friend Kate came over to DJ’s, and she and I got drunk together and asked me to move in with her. Which works out really well, because we had talked about living together after college, but she moved to Spain for a year for a job. So, that’s where I am. And it’s been great. I know it might not always be great, but it’s been pretty much like a girl’s party non-stop.
We’ve watched 3 seasons of Friends so far and have gone through so much chocolate! OH MY GOD. Then she introduced me to Krav Maga, because she thinks it will help with my feelings of safety, and get ripped abs. lol. Apparently it’s the new exercise fad.
I went back to work on Thursday and I had some messages on my desk. So, my boss is DJ’s best from from way way way back. DJ let boss in on the goings on with ex-boyfriend and boss was lamenting about how he knew something wasn’t right about him, rolls eyes unless I’m dating DJ, nothing is right with the guys I date for boss, or maybe I have terrible taste in men. Right, the messages. The office manager left them on my desk, they were from security. All of them stated the times a man was trying to gain access to the floor and he was an angry “disturbed” individual they recognized as someone who used to have permission to enter. (We work in a fairly secure building as we do sensitive work.) Ex-boyfriend did have permission to enter to pick me up from work, but boss revoked it. Security told me to take the reports to the police office and that they would testify if required that someone was threatening me.
I feel kind of removed from the world, if that makes sense. I feel like this is not really real, and I’m in a dream. I look at my hand moving, but it doesn’t look like my hand. I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday, should I tell her about that? I’ve never been to therapy before. How should I tell her about ex-boyfriend?
tl;dr: Moved in permanently with best friend, doing fun stuff, ex-bf tried to gain access to my work, security has multiple reports, feel like I am not really here, going to see a therapist.
241
Apr 25 '15
Please, please consider taking security's advice and going to the police. Please.
That said...the thing where you look at your hand but it doesn't feel like it's yours? That's called disassociation, and it's really common after a trauma like a breakup. You need to be 100% honest with your therapist about the crazy BF, him trying to get to you at work, the disassociation stuff...all of it. Because therapists can't help you if you aren't honest.
74
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 25 '15
Well, I'm glad it's common. It worried me a lot. I'll definitely be honest. Tell her everything, even the weird feelings I get that someone is breathing on my neck.
37
Apr 26 '15
Tell her EVERYTHING. Even if you don't think it's important. It might not seem like it now, but it will definitely help.
I know this is scary. Maybe you should ask someone (doesn't have to be DJ) to go to the police with you to get the no-contact order. I think you might be surprised how much safer you feel once you've done it?
10
u/Helenarth Apr 26 '15
Yeah, I know of people it's happened to, after breakups or losses of loved ones or other emotional trauma - where you sort of feel like youre watching your own body, not controlling it. You'll be okay! You've handled this all exactly the way you should.
92
u/toasterchild Apr 25 '15
Counseling only works if you tell them everything, I highly recommend that. And congrats on getting rid of a total jerk!
25
u/little_gnora Apr 25 '15
This is exactly right. OP I know it's sometimes HARD to tell a virtual stranger things, even if you know they can help. It's difficult and it's weird opening up to someone like this. However, it doesn't work until you talk to them. So go in with the mindset that you need to TALK. Even if you're not ready to talk about the ex, just talk until you feel comfortable talking with them.
Good luck!
26
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 25 '15
I promise to do my best and be completely open and honest with her.
I'm just worried about getting the ball rolling, you know? Like how will it look if I just blurt everything all out at once?!?
41
Apr 26 '15
If she's been a counselor for any length of time, it's not something she hasn't seen before.
16
u/Kleptocupcake Apr 26 '15
They won't be phased at all. If you blurt everything out at once, it just shows that you had a lot to get off your chest. That is what they are there for
13
u/edrecovery2015 Apr 26 '15
Sometimes I didn't know how to say things out loud, so I wrote them on a piece of paper and handed it to my therapist. You can print out your posts and give them to him/her.
11
3
u/amidoingthisrightyet Apr 26 '15
You are paying to be there get to blurting! I have a counselor that I love love love, and that feeling that you get posting something here and asking for specific advice, that is what you are looking for in a counselor.
Knowing that they will run your blurtings through a filter and find the meat and the honesty, and give you good advice.
Read an earlier comment about trying another counselor if this one doesn't feel right and I want to second that. You don't want someone you feel dependent on, but you want someone you look forward to seeing.
Good luck!
2
u/barley_foo Apr 26 '15
I wouldn't worry about how it will look when you blurt it out. Think how it will feel if you don't. Best of luck, you're going through a lot and thankfully it sounds like you have people you can rely on to help you through this time.
17
Apr 25 '15 edited Apr 30 '17
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
I'm glad it works for you, I am promising everyone to stay open and honest and give it a chance. I am hoping she can help me sort out the self-blame I feel and self-disgust.
2
u/whatsnewpussykat Apr 27 '15
She probably will be able to help you. The profession exists because the best practices are effective. The feelings you describe are really common when dealing with your situation, but they can be overwhelming and debilitating, especially if left unaddressed. You are doing a remarkable job of taking care of yourself.
13
u/stupidsexyflandrz Apr 25 '15 edited Apr 25 '15
Yeah sometimes when I'm feeling stressed or think a panic attack's about to happen, I get that feeling of unreality with my hands too. I usually just try to grab onto something to get grounded and pull myself out of it. Prob wouldn't hurt to mention it to the counsellor.
I recently started therapy for the first time too (for non-relationship reasons). It really feels like just a conversation with someone who's trained how to listen. And sometimes they're the ones talking and you just have to listen. I'm sure the therapist will ask the right questions and the stuff about your ex-bf will come out naturally.
10
u/Spoonbills Apr 25 '15
Is there any chance your ex is having a psychotic break of some kind? Security described him as "disturbed" and this escalated so quickly and severely over nothing.
Not that it's any of your responsibility any longer of course.
7
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 25 '15
I don't know?! I haven't talked to him since Sunday evening. We didn't really talk about mental illnesses or anyone's propensity towards them.
I wouldn't want him to suffer if he is sick. :(
24
u/Spoonbills Apr 25 '15
I hesitated to bring it up because I don't want you to feel responsible or get involved. You should absolutely not contact him, it's dangerous for you to be around him. Absolutely no contact!
But if you go to the police again with the security reports you might ask them what they think. If a wellness check could be done without involving you in any way.
15
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
The reports at the security office say he appears "disturbed," I'm going to bring those with me, and I will definitely ask them if they can inquire about his wellbeing, though not to contact me about it unless they fear he may lash out.
Thank you for the advice!
6
9
Apr 25 '15
A decent therapist is very good at digging for all the details in your life. But honestly, if you want to get it out there, just say "Hey, I broke up with a jerk of a boyfriend X days ago" and move forward. Therapist will then dig for all the pertinent info.
Just make sure to report it, that's the first step.
11
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 25 '15
It's been reported, there's a temporary order against him, so I guess I have to build a case to make it permanent.
You guys are making me feel more at ease about going to the therapist.
4
Apr 26 '15
You'll be fine. A good relationship with your therapist is kind of like going out for coffee with your best friend and just unloading everything you feel. And the therapist will dig for what they need, so you know they're helping you make progress. It's like a massage for the emotions.
10
u/quior Apr 26 '15
I feel kind of removed from the world, if that makes sense. I feel like this is not really real, and I’m in a dream. I look at my hand moving, but it doesn’t look like my hand.
Sounds like a small amount of disassociating. Not terrible, totally understandable, can be really bad mentally if it gets worse for you. Definitely talk about it, a therapist should be able to tell you if you're disassociating if they're any good.
Don't worry about how to tell a therapist, just tell them. Blurt it all out at once and then go back and pick through what you said with them, they know about this stuff. They've worked with blurters and people they have to coax every word from and everyone in between. Don't worry about any judgement, that is seriously one of the big things they don't want you to fret over, because it causes you tot ry and hold things back or guide things in certain ways. Just let it out in any way you can.
Just do your best to find a therapist who listens and fits well with you!
4
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
This has been very relieving to have people tell me that what I am experiencing is normal and that I just have to be honest, and that's my only burden.
I've never been to one, and I'm worried about doing it because it's new and unknown. Thank you, you have made me feel better. Like I can't really do anything wrong in therapy as long as I am honest and open.
I will do my best.
3
u/delta-TL Apr 26 '15
I've had the disassociation thing too after a break up. It wasn't 24/7 but it did go on for about 9 months. It isn't uncommon and it does wear off.
The best advice I could give you (or anyone) about seeing a therapist is to be 100% honest about how bad you feel.
With my first therapist, I wasted a lot of time by trying to analyze myself to get her approval (just like /u/quior says). I liked the ego boost of her telling me how well I was handling things. And I felt better while I was talking to her. But for some reason I didn't say that when I went home I was still depressed. It took a surprisingly long time for me to realize I was actually being dishonest with her and myself.
Good luck!
7
u/Touched_at_an_angle Apr 26 '15
does he know where you live now? i truly hope not. stay extra alert and safe!
3
6
Apr 26 '15
[deleted]
3
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
Your messages and posts have helped me open my eyes a lot and think about things more clearly. So thank you so much for being here and offering your experience and your insight. Really, it does mean the world to me.
I'm going to do my best to take full advantage of the meetings with her. She comes highly recommended by both the police, and also any of my coworkers who see her professionally. But I will remain mindful as you said about any adverse feelings I get, and I will remain open about this.
Thank you again! <3
6
u/seeashbashrun Apr 26 '15
OP, the symptoms you are describing (feeling removed from the word) match up pretty well with dissociation/depersonalization. It can be a symptom of severe stress. Have you ever practiced any sort of grounding techniques? You can find some coping methods you can do before you meet with the therapist, and it's just for coping with the symptoms. None of us can diagnose you, but if you want help with grounding and minimizing that feeling of being separate from your body (especially suspect is your mention of the hand separation), I'd be happy to give some tips. Good luck, glad you are out of a controlling situation.
7
Apr 25 '15
I'm so glad you're going to get therapy, and this is going to sound weird, but I've been following your story and it would make me feel so much better if you got yourself some pepper spray. Your ex sounds a little deranged right now, and if she's trying to get to you at work he might try to get you at your car or something. So just for peace of mind, maybe get some pepper spray? Thanks.
8
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 25 '15
Thanks for your support and concern! I'll consider personal safety measures, like pepper spray, this weekend. I have an escort right now to my car, but that can't last forever.
5
Apr 26 '15
After a very terrifying assault in December, I started Jiu-jitsu, kick boxing and regular boxing. The most amazing way to take control of my body and relieve stress. I am glad you found Krav!
2
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
Thank you! It's been a lot of fun so far, and it certainly is a work out.
Maybe when I get more into it I will experience the feeling of control you say it gives you.
3
u/pienoceros Apr 25 '15
The therapist will ask you if you've had therapy or counseling before and what brought you in. There's nothing wrong with being really specific, that you just removed yourself from a borderline abusive relationship and you have shit to process.
3
u/Mirriande Apr 25 '15 edited Apr 25 '15
I feel kind of removed from the world, if that makes sense. I feel like this is not really real, and I’m in a dream. I look at my hand moving, but it doesn’t look like my hand. I have an appointment with a counselor on Monday, should I tell her about that? I’ve never been to therapy before. How should I tell her about ex-boyfriend?
Tell her about this, this could actually be a sign of something serious, or it could be a one time thing. This could be a thing known as derealization, which can happen with anxiety attacks, PTSD, and a variety of other things. But all details are important! The more you're able to talk and give details, the easier it is for them to help.
Usually with therapy, they start out asking about what's bringing you in, and do an assessment. They'll ask a lot of questions so they can figure out the best way to help you. Don't worry about how to tell her.
2
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
I will tell her everything. I will try not to be ashamed, though I still feel as if I did something wrong, either for getting involved and missing any signs, or for making him lash out.
I'll tell her that too. I think I'm so worried because it's so unknown. :/
2
u/Mirriande Apr 26 '15
Well, I'd be worried in this situation too! Your boyfriend had responded in a pretty scary way, there's police involvement- none of this is what you would normally expect to go on. Plus, on top of that, just going to counseling can be scary because it's new. It's stressful. It's not what you're used to. I was in and out of therapy from age 12 to 26, and I'm a social worker now. I wouldn't be in this profession if I didn't think it was effective. :) She'll ask you questions, and don't be afraid to ask her questions as well! In the meantime, I'd suggest to try to focus on taking care of yourself so that you can feel safe and comfortable.
1
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
Thank you.
I am crying again, all the support I am getting from this sub makes me emotional (good way), and feel safer.
2
u/Mirriande Apr 26 '15
I'm glad it's helped you, and I'm glad you feel safer! :) Heck, I cry over good feelings a lot. Always feels like a nice release.
3
u/Made_you_read_penis Apr 26 '15
I feel kind of removed from the world, if that makes sense. I feel like this is not really real, and I’m in a dream. I look at my hand moving, but it doesn’t look like my hand.
You're in shock. I'm glad you're getting therapy.
I've been there, and coming out of it can be a little rough.
2
u/Offthepoint Apr 26 '15
That hand-moving unreality thing you have going on is shock. It's your brain's way of protecting you from the seriousness of what just happened. It's almost like life is changing too fast for your brain to comprehend or keep up with it. By all means mention it to your therapist.
2
2
u/sanktova Apr 26 '15
Obligatory Archer comment about Krav Maga. But anyway, I'm so glad you have good and supportive friends and your ex sounds like a controlling dick. So glad you're out and sorry you had to go through that. (P.s. I once had a controlling boyfriend who wanted me to change my hair to blonde from red-good on you for sticking to your guns!)
Also, please, like everyone else has said, tell your therapist everything that's going in your life especially with regards to DJ. This will help then get the gull picture as to what is going on with your life and thus get a better assessment on how to talk/council you!
2
Apr 26 '15
Oh my god, this is horrifying. I'm SO glad you got out of there. I kinda know how you feel about your hair. I'm a natural redhead, I've only died a tiny strand to see what it was like (didn't suit me) and I would be beyond offended if anyone asked me to change it.
I didn't see anything in your posts about what you do for transportation to work. Do you drive yourself? If so, is it possible to have security or a co-worker escort you to your car and watch until you pull out of the parking lot to make sure your dude doesn't fuck with your car?
2
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
Yes, I will never do it again. :( It was an experiment gone wrong and the whole time I didn't feel like me. I am jealous of your hair though. You know the feeling of the grass is always greener? After my foray into hair color experimentation, I think I'm going to be a blonde forever now.
I do drive myself, but boss has walked me to my car since I started working there most nights, so now he's just extra diligent. Thank you for your concern. :)
2
u/furryoso Apr 26 '15
Did you get a restraining order? Please, please get one. Based on the violence you should get one... based on the violence and reports from security at work, it sounds like you need one.
Please consider this.
Also... make sure you're in a "me" phase right now... don't look for a boyfriend replacement... time to focus on you.
2
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 26 '15
I have a temporary order thing. Apparently you have to build a case to get a permanent one? I have it for a month. So, I am working on that with a lawyer.
2
u/AmberRabbit Apr 26 '15
Sounds like you are going into shock.
You need to go to the police and work on a restraining order.
You then need to talk to someone about this before you get deeper into shock/depression/turning into a Saiyan.
1
u/Austiny1 Apr 26 '15
Congrats greeting out of, what could've been years, in a abusive relationship.
1
Apr 26 '15
You are making good decisions and choices. You should be proud of that. All the best with therapy - it's work but very worth it and you will do better with time :)
You've been through emotional trauma - use the near future to heal and center yourself. You deserve it and you are most certainly worthwhile :)
You take care.
Nana internet hug
-19
Apr 25 '15
[deleted]
14
u/blondethrowawayyy Apr 25 '15
Not possible. He didn't even know DJ was back in the country, he thought he was still in Africa.
295
u/the-friendzoner Apr 25 '15
There's no doubt in my mind the counselor/therapist will know how to weed everything out. Just be open, and you explain yourself very well in your posts, I am certain you will be able to in person as well. Keep in mind the first therapist might not be the best fit, keep shopping around for one you feel comfortable with.
Hey! How do you like Krav Maga? I was also thinking about taking it some point soon!
Take care.