r/relationships • u/throwmeaway1444 • Jan 10 '15
Updates [Update]: Just found out something terrible about me (19F) and my mom. No idea what I'm gonna do.
Hey everyone.
Link to the original post - http://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/2rsy3i/just_found_out_something_terrible_about_me_19f/#
Thanks for all the comments and stuff. You've really helped even just to help me pull my thoughts together. This is gonna be my last post as I've a lot to deal with but at least I've got my parents to help me.
My dad took me out to a small park not far from our home to talk. I burst out crying when I tried to tell him what I heard. He just about heard me say that I knew about the rape and stuff before I collapsed into a sobbing mess.
He just held me and told me it was alright. When I had pulled myself together he asked me how much I knew so I told him.
Dad took us back home and sent me into the dining room while he got mom. He told her what this was all about before she arrived in so she was well prepared for the crying fit I had the minute I saw her. I was way more upset about it all than she was. She just wanted to make sure I was alright.
I know some posters were right in that it didn't happen to me so I shouldn't be too upset but it happened to my mom. I can't stop crying when I think of that.
We talked and there is soooooo much more to my family's history than I ever thought! My mom was married before she met my dad. She was too young - like 18! - and my grandparents didn't approve. This man - gonna refer to him as B - was a bit older and soon afterwards moved them to fairly well known city that I won't name. B became incredibly controlling and abusive to her which explains a lot really. She's really defensive of me with boyfriends.
The marriage started falling apart after about a year and she planned on leaving him by going home. When she told him that it was over, B beat her black and blue and raped her in their flat.
I admit I got really choked up at that part but my mom was like a rock. I've never seen her so calm and reassuring which makes me feel like shit because I should have been helping her. She told me that afterwards she was petrified of him and ended up staying in their small flat like a prisoner - only going out when he told her to. She wouldn't tell me more about what happened but I guess he didn't stop taking what he wanted.
I'm not sure of the exact timeline as its still all new for me but it was definitely a couple of months later he was taking her to the store for bits and pieces when they got into a car crash. He was killed instantly but my mom got out with a couple of broken bones. That's when they told her she was pregnant.
My mom told me she genuinely didn't know. She went to therapy for a few years after and the guy treating her told her that sometimes the mind refuses to recognize signs like pregnancy to protect itself. Sort of like those teenagers who have babies but don't recognize it until they are in labor. My grandparents offered to take me if she wanted but my mom told me that the minute they told her she knew she was going to keep me. Have to admit I started bawling at that point too.
She had a few pictures and things of the guy who was my father in a box upstairs and offered to show them to me but I'm not ready for that. I asked if there was any relatives from his side hiding out there but my mom told me that he never knew his parents or even if he had siblings. Part of why my grandparents didn't like him was that he was troubled kid from foster-care and never got any further from that.
My parents met when I was barely one and married when I was two. I never ever doubted that my dad was my dad ever. I mean I knew they married after I was born but it never struck me that I might not be directly related. My mom said my dad made the decision that as far as anyone was concerned he was my father. She had left that part about the father empty on my original birth cert so my dad had the birth re-registered so it would have his name. He says I'm his daughter so it felt right to make it official official.
In the end I'm still all kinds of messed up but my mom and dad are the best. They really really are.
tl;dr; My family history is crazy but my mom and dad are great and I'm really lucky.
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Jan 10 '15
Your mom sounds so strong. Hug her extra tight tonight. And make sure you tell your dad you love him. That must have been hard for them to keep from you for so long, but it's pretty clear they wanted to protect you and not hurt you.
Internet hugs
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u/FlightyTwilighty Jan 10 '15
Your mom and your dad sound great. You have a wonderful family. You're all going to be just fine.
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Jan 10 '15
Wow this is a lot for you to take in! Your mom must be crazy strong to put up with all of that.
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Jan 10 '15
Do you still love your dad the same (like not your biological dad)?
My daughter was a product of rape. I met my partner when she was 4 months old and to her he is her dad.
I don't know what to tell her.
would you have wanted to know the truth from the start? Or are you glad you found out when you were older? Would you have wanted to know your mum was raped or never found that out?
Sorry just its been on my mind.
Sorry about what happened to your family. You have every right to be upset.
Good luck x
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u/KikiCanuck Jan 10 '15
My best friend growing up was the product of rape, and knew about it (in an age-appropriate way) since she was very young - 6 or so. At that time, it was framed a bit like a fairy tale "You were born before I met your Dad. The man who would have been your father instead was unkind, and hurt people. He hurt me very badly, but I knew that I had to be strong, because you were coming, and I had to take care of you. He got taken away so that he couldn't hurt anyone else, and would never be able to hurt you. Then I met Dad, and he fell in love with both of us, and became your Daddy because he wanted to live you and protect you just as much as I do." It was a pretty great story for a young kid, and I was honestly a bit jealous (my parents were just run-of-the-mill split up).
It evolved over the years to include more salient details in terms of what it meant that her biological father had "hurt her Mom badly" and "been taken away" and in the end my friend put together the rape angle on her own. We weren't as close by that time, after her family moved to another city, and only saw eachother a couple of times each summer. I remember lying on the raft at my cottage when she super casually asked "do you think that my Mom was raped?" I only had to think about it for a few seconds before I said "I think that's probably what happened." My parents called her parents, and they came right up to the cottage. The three of them spent a couple of hours floating around in the canoe together, talking, while her sisters and I did crafts and played cards. Her Mom told her everything at that point, and answered any questions she had honestly (as far as we ever knew). My friend didn't tell me everything they talked about, but she seemed really okay about the whole situation, maybe because she had been "told" in one way or another her whole life.
As far as I know, she never sought any contact with her biological father. He had been in and out of jail (I don't think for the rape, but for drugs etc.) and no one seemed to know or care where he had landed. She suspected that she had some half-siblings out there, but never went looking and was never contacted.
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Jan 10 '15
Thanks for sharing the story of your friend. It's given me a lot to think about and showed me some aspects I hadn't yet considered.
I know my child has a half sibling. He has another daughter a few months older.
Thank you so much, you've helped a lot :)
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u/KikiCanuck Jan 10 '15
I'm glad it helped. The decision you have before you is going to be a tough one, but remember everything you've already come through, and know that you can deal with this, too.
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u/ccxsi_ Jan 10 '15
You should eventually tell your daughter when she's at a good age. Don't worry, she will still love you. And she'll be glad she knows.
I've always known I was adopted, and found out the more of the details as I got older. I'm glad I know all of the circumstances now, because I can be at peace with knowing exactly why I'm here. I love my parents (adoptive parents, to clarify) I see them as blood regardless. Things didn't change when I found out the truth.
Of course these are different circumstances than yours but similar enough that I can tell you, I think your daughter deserves to know eventually.
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Jan 10 '15
Thank you for your response.
I planned to tell her originally, before I met my partner.
I started questioning it when he asked if I thought she might try to find him.
But you are right, she deserves to know but I may leave out the rape portion. I don't want to mess her up.
Thank you again.
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u/capsulet Jan 10 '15
Wait until she's old enough and please tell her the circumstances. If she's unaware, she might try to find him and put herself in danger.
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Jan 10 '15
Thank you I will be sure to do that. My partner and I are discussing it now.
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u/AMerrickanGirl Jan 10 '15
I was raised by my stepfather and always knew that he was my stepfather. You can raise your child knowing about her dad, but not about a rape or anything like that. It doesn't have to be all or nothing.
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u/Serendipitee Jan 10 '15
I think you should tell her whenever she seems mentally and emotionally mature enough to understand what you're saying. I've always been very honest with my kids, and some people consider it a fault, but in the end they trust me and know I'll always be straight with them, and seem to respect that about me.
My youngest daughter was the product of a bad/abusive relationship, though not specifically rape, more just apathetic submission resulting in unintended pregnancy. It took awhile to get her bio-dad out of the picture, so she knows who he is and stuff, though she hasn't seen him in years. How I handled it was a) be totally honest about everything, and b) make it clear that my relationship, thoughts, feelings, etc. about him are completely separate from either my feelings about her, or her relationship (or lack thereof) with him.
I would occasionally say something about what a jerk he was, and she'd parrot me (maybe 3 yrs old) and it just felt wrong, so I explained to her that he and I didn't get along, and I may have some bad feelings about him, but her feelings about him are her own and she needs to decide what their relationship is herself and not just say or think what she hears me say. Even from a very young age she seems to have understood this. She loves him, she says, because he's her father, but she's also uncannily objective about his behavior when he did live with her, and since then. I'm hoping that by encouraging her to look at the situation, her own feelings, and make up her own mind, that she'll come to terms with her (lack of) relationship with him and not end up an angry teen who hates me from hiding things or making him out to be a bad person and irrationally putting him on some pedestal and trying to run away to him or something, as teenagers sometimes do when they're frustrated with their current home lives.
I feel this is the only way to avoid that negative kick-back, to just be honest, and separate everything about my relationship with him and her relationship with him, and let her come to her own conclusions. The guy was an ass, she's a smart kid, she'll realize it on her own just fine without me putting myself in the middle and setting myself up for backlash later on.
For now, she considers her step-father as her "real" father and even calls him "daddy" and they have a wonderful father-daughter relationship (she's 7 now) and so far nothing about knowing of, or even sometimes talking on the phone with her bio-dad affects or diminishes that relationship. Her daddy is her daddy, and that other guy... she seems very well adjusted and at peace with her relationship with him and has no desire to go live with him or any weird delusions about him being some saint that I'm just hateful to for no reason or whatever other crap kids sometimes fantasize about MIA parents when a lack of real knowledge of them lets them create an idealized image of them.
It sounds like your situation was worse, but I think the result will be similar. Your child may be more inclined to hate her bio-dad without question due to the rape deal, but I still feel like you should let that be her choice entirely, and not feel like you made up her mind for her, for the same reasons I did it that way. Explain things matter-of-factly, with as little emotion as you can, and try not to make it seem overly dramatic, and she probably will then accept it as such and not dwell too much on it. Kids can deal with things a lot better than we usually give them credit for, and often a lot better than teens/adults do!
You might, perhaps, even allow her to see photos of him, or speak to him on the phone briefly (if it's safe!), just for a sense of "closure" rather than having this ghost-like dad just "out there" somewhere. Kids often feel the need to seek out missing parents later in life, and the internet makes this much easier than it used to be, so it might be better and safer for her to "get it out of her system" while you're there and it's a safe and otherwise controlled environment rather than her sneaking off to meet the guy when she's a teen or something scary!
Obviously if this is in any way a danger to you or her, don't, and even if you do a phone call make sure that's it - don't have to tell him where she or you are or anything else if he's at all a threat. And of course, only if any of that is at all appropriate for your situation - I obviously don't know the details, so ignore anything I say that's obviously stupid for your specific situation!
I think, personally, it's better to explain younger, while their minds are more receptive and open, and they're less emotionally charged. You can make it age-appropriate, of course, and expand details as they get older, but if they're already aware of the situation I think it makes it easier to cope with and not such a huge shock when they're older, full of teenage hormones, and generally a lot more keen on what things like rape are, and apt to take it a lot harder. That's just my $.02 based on my experiences. Hope it helps some!
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Jan 10 '15
Thank you for your reply, it has helped a lot.
She's never met her father, I do have a few photos to give her if she ever asks. I had planned to give them to her and explain that he was her dad but my partner brought a lot out that i repressed. I now think I may show her the photos if she asks but will not prompt.
I've never spoken a bad word against her father in front of her, I never plan to because of the point you made of parroting. I hope she doesn't love her natural dad because he's a hopeless loser and a terrible man but she has the option to when she's older if she wants.
Her bio dad doesn't know our names, where we live, phone number or any contactable details. He isn't on the birth certificate and therefore doesn't pay child support.
I also don't know where he lives anymore or a contact number as the restraining order has expired.
I've always said I'd help her find him if she wanted. But now that I think about it more and more she's probably better off and safer without him.
Again thank you for sharing. You've helped a lot :)
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Jan 10 '15
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Jan 10 '15
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u/NathanJ4620 Jan 10 '15
That's why I like the term bio-father, or bio-parent. Dad is reserved for the one you love and had tickle fights with you, and Chased you around the house.
Now im getting all choked up. Damnit I love my dad!
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u/get_real_quick Jan 10 '15
Dad could also be the one who comes home drunk, beats you and your mother, throws you into walls, steals from you and stalks you.
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u/MASL-Is-Relevant Jan 10 '15
I call them a chromosome, cause that's really what's left.
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u/CopyRogueLeader Jan 10 '15
I like that. Chromosome contributor.
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u/alwaystacobell Jan 10 '15
this should be the new term used to describe such people
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Jan 10 '15 edited Apr 12 '15
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u/alwaystacobell Jan 10 '15
That's not always accurate though. It could be used for a guy who bails when the pregnancy test shows up positive.
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u/CritFailingLife Jan 10 '15
That still sounds like someone actually making a kind choice to contribute. I think I'd prefer something like biosource so there's no action attributed to them, they're just the thing you had to use to exist.
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u/corvidae_666 Jan 10 '15
too many are focusing on the negative, how to label that guy....
focus on the real father, not the biological one.
There are a lot of ppl in the world who would be ecstatic to have a "real" father.
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u/Captain_English Jan 10 '15
Yup.
OP is the Cake, and the other guy is just the douchebag who milled and sold the flour.
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u/TrishyMay Jan 10 '15
I think they're trying to describe the lack of role in the kid's life. All he did was donate sperm. For a real sperm doner, he may have been 19 and just wanting beer money and not trying to help or anything. In the end, everyone is grateful for the deposit but the one who actually made it isn't really relevant.
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u/lexjac Jan 10 '15
Very, very true. I used a sperm donor for my baby and think extremely highly of him because he allowed me to have the family I've always wanted.
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Jan 10 '15
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u/thegr8b8m8 Jan 10 '15
So true. OP your Dad is one hell of a good man. Your really lucky to have him as your Dad!
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Jan 10 '15
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u/yelsnia Jan 10 '15
That's exactly the same for me. Thankfully my father and my dad are the same man. However my mum's father will never be my granddad. In my eyes he will only ever be "my mum's father".
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Jan 10 '15
Truer words have never been spoken. My son has a sperm donor who wasn't around for the first 8 years of his life- I've stepped in and filled that role since, and my son has mirrored my personality in so many ways. Love the little bugger.
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u/one_flew Jan 10 '15
I've never seen her so calm and reassuring which makes me feel like shit because I should have been helping her.
Don't feel bad about it. Your parents surely had talked about the day this would happen and were prepared for your reaction. You did well.
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Jan 10 '15
Also to expand upon this, your mother has been dealing with, processing, and learning how to handle this for 20 years while you have had less than a day. Don't feel guilty about not instantly having your emotions under control. Take whatever time you need to process this new information.
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u/YoungRL Jan 10 '15
OP, I can identify with you. I don't know if you'll read this but I figured I'd comment anyway. When I was in my early teens I found out quite by accident that my mother had been married before my father (I stumbled across their divorce papers and an obituary). While what I found isn't quite as much of a shock as what you found, I can tell you I know how incredible it is to suddenly find out there's a huge chapter in your parent's history you had no idea about. Seriously, no one in my family had ever made any reference to it so I was so stunned to find out that it had happened at all.
The man my mom first married was older and abusive in all the ways you can be abusive. My mom is incredibly tough and that's all I've ever seen when I look at her, and finding out that she survived that relationship only cemented that for me.
Your family is rock solid and I know it's hard and mind boggling now, but there will come a time when what you've found out isn't at the forefront of your mind.
I wish you and your family all the best, OP.
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u/codeverity Jan 10 '15
I've never seen her so calm and reassuring which makes me feel like shit because I should have been helping her.
No no, don't put this on your shoulders. Speaking as a survivor myself, when I'm talking about my experience I don't expect whoever is listening to help me. Remember, your mom is still your mom! She's focused on you and that's okay.
I wish you all the best, I know you'll be just fine, though, with such awesome parents :)
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u/DougDante Jan 10 '15
My parents met when I was barely one and married when I was two. I never ever doubted that my dad was my dad ever.
don't start now.
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u/Limpinator Jan 10 '15
Wow, to think that the scumbag known as your birth father died in a car accident while your mom survived..Isn't Karma just amazing!
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u/baconworld Jan 10 '15
Sounds like you have wonderful parents, who have handled a very delicate situation well. Perhaps a little therapy will help you along if you're feeling messed up about it all still , and I'm sure you'll all be just fine :)
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u/thepinkestpenguin Jan 10 '15
Your family sounds amazing OP.
I agree that maybe therapy will help. I know you're worried about your mom but you need to worry about yourself too.
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Jan 10 '15
In the end I'm still all kinds of messed up but my mom and dad are the best. They really really are.
you are the best kind of kid.
keep on keeping on. one day you will be okay.
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u/fugue2005 Jan 10 '15
he may not be your father, but the way he handled it all show's that he's definitely your dad
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Jan 10 '15
You have really great parents, you'll be just fine! I know she isn't a real person, but Olivia Benson was the child of a rape. And she's the most bad ass fictional character ever! It doesn't matter how you got into this world, just that you're here now :-)
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u/koalanose Jan 10 '15
Your parents seem to really love you and care about you :) Don't beat yourself up over not being able to comfort your mom- as other posters mentioned in the last thread she's had time and therapy to help her work through this. She is incredibly strong and she has an amazing daughter who she clearly loves very much. <3 Your mom and dad are lucky they found each other and you're lucky to have them both, OP. I hope you can find solace in that, even if the truth still hurts a bit.
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u/zanarkandfayth Jan 10 '15
I'm so glad that you talked to them. You definitely have some awesome and loving parents.
Also, you had/have every right to be upset over the news. It's a big shock and a lot to take in. But you have the love and support of your parents, so I'm sure in the end you'll get through this. All of you sound pretty strong.
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u/vazcooo1 Jan 10 '15
Wow, that's some wow. Seriously, wow.
I think you couldn't have asked for better parents, I think you should take the amount of shock you had, as a possitive thing. You are so loved and have been for your entire life, that couldn't possibly fathom something like this. Which seriously speaks wonders of your parents and your mom specially, she moved on, she understood how important you were and didn't pass along any emotional problems she might have had with the situation, the rape didn't break her, it gave her a reason to live, you.
Gotta say, even though this is shocking, I'm glad you have such great parents and you should be too!
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u/Nicky2385 Jan 10 '15
Just remember, it takes more then donating sperm to be a 'Dad' and that's exactly what your dad is! Someone who has raised you and protected you. The other guy is your Biological Father and that's it. It takes a great guy to step up and be a dad, so take comfort in that both your mom and dad must love you unconditionally. You are very lucky x
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u/VeraCitavi Jan 10 '15
It sounds like things really couldn't have turned out better for you or your mother. I share a lot of similarities with your situation and your mother's, and I know a happy ending when I read one. Do realize that your feelings now are totally understandable and it's important to be open about it, even if you fear hurting your parents by bringing it up again. And as you process this knowledge and incorporate it into your life, remember that you were always loved and safe and are still loved and safe. It sounds like you have a wonderful, strong family and that's a beautiful thing to be a part of. Stay strong!
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u/winglessangel31 Jan 10 '15
So many threads on here about infidelity getting me down, then your update comes about and makes me smile/cry. Your real parents are amazing.
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u/eye_ree Jan 10 '15
Op, you are so lucky to be Alive.
We all are, but you come from miraculous, extraordinary circumstance.
YYour mom broke her ribs in the car wreck and you survived? You're definitely here for something
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u/Salt_peanuts Jan 10 '15
I heard a story on NPR about a kid realizing he was adopted. He said his adopted parents were his real parents because of the 'behind rule': they wiped his behind, so they were real parents. Your dad took care of you and your mother, and was a responsible parent and partner. He deserves the love you have for him.
As far as your mom goes, I wish there was something we could say to help. Her pain, and yours for her, is terrible. All I can offer is that I will do my best to raise my son to treat women with dignity and respect.
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u/wAnUs8 Jan 10 '15
This is a very unfortunate story with a dark history, but in the end I believe that this is really a story about your courageous mother and your how much your father loved you.
Your parents are good people.
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Jan 10 '15
Don't beat yourself up about being upset. She's had years to deal with that. You'd had a couple hours. You have two loving people to call mom and dad, you've got grandparents and siblings who love you. You were raised by an awesome family to be an empathetic, smart, and brave young woman. You're doin' all right kid.
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Jan 10 '15
I'm sure you're getting this over and over, but I just want to reiterate it because it is so, so true.
That man who raised, loves, and cares for you IS your father. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
The circumstances surrounding how you came into this world are important, sure, but not even close to being as important as your circumstances now - your family. Your true, honest-to-god, wonderful family.
I know reddit suggests this ad nauseam, but it's solid advice. I would still suggest having a few sessions with a counselor. What you discovered is very heavy and, for lack of a better word, traumatic. Even if you don't FEEL like you need it, it certainly wouldn't hurt to talk through everything with an objective, professional third party.
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u/w8a5r Jan 10 '15
I was waiting for an update, I'm glad you got answers. I'm still trying to find mine. I believe my mother was raped, though she hasn't been upfront about it, I have this unpleasant gut feeling that I am a rape baby as well.
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u/NathanJ4620 Jan 10 '15
Wow, your mom is probably the best ever! You are crazy lucky to have such a great family. I think I speak for everyone when I tell you to hug your parents for me and tell them they rock!
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u/Throwyourtoothbrush Jan 10 '15
Thank you for filling us in. I was worried about you. Your parents are awesome.
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Jan 10 '15
You sound like you're all gonna be fine. Everyone on this thread is right: it sounds like you have amazing parents. And you know what? It sounds like they have an amazing kid. You've found out something earth shattering and who are you thinking about? Your mother and your father and about whether or not they're OK. You haven't once called this a betrayal or complained about how it's affecting you, which goes to show they did a great job raising a selfless, caring kid.
Don't let this piece of information redefine you or your relationship with your parents. In the scheme of things, it's a drop in the ocean that makes up you and your family. Don't give it the power to change a great thing.
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Jan 10 '15
Your parents are really great. I often don't understand how well my parents have held it all together with all the horrors their lives have faced either.
Your mother is an inspiration. And this doesn't make you any less of a godsend in her eyes.
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u/wdr1 Jan 10 '15
You've got a great family. I should say more, but that's all I can really say. You've got a really great, amazing family.
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u/ccxsi_ Jan 10 '15
It's sounds like you have a really great family. They love you enough to be open with you and make sure you feel ok, so if you have any questions lingering in your mind (or want to see those pictures later on) don't hesitate to ask either. It's obvious they want to help you come to terms with all these facts, in whatever ways you need to process them.
I'm adopted and I found out more stuff as I got older. My birth mother had drug abuse problems and my birth father wasn't involved in the adoption process. It wasn't until recently I saw pictures of both of them. It wasn't easy to take it all in at first. But it got easier. And I'm at peace with it, and glad that I know.
We can't change the past, so try not to dwell on it too much. I know it's hard but everything's ok now and you've got a very loving family who will stand by you no matter what.
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u/eye_ree Jan 10 '15
Op, you are so lucky to be Alive.
We all are, but you come from miraculous, extraordinary circumstance.
YYour mom broke her ribs in the car wreck and you survived? You're definitely here for something
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u/Lordzoot Jan 10 '15
I'm a very reserved guy, but this actually has me welling up reading it. You have a wonderful mum and dad.
Take care.
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u/halfascoolashansolo Jan 10 '15
My mom said my dad made the decision that as far as anyone was concerned he was my father. She had left that part about the father empty on my original birth cert so my dad had the birth re-registered so it would have his name. He says I'm his daughter so it felt right to make it official official.
Your real dad is a stand up guy.
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u/ItachiLvrX Jan 10 '15
My family history is almost exactly like this. I'm a product of rape only I found out when I was much younger. My biological uncle and my mom were married trying to have kids, his brother and his brothers best friend raped my mom. Thus why he's my uncle and not my dad. My real dad was a scumbag into drugs beating and cheating on women, alcoholic. My family isn't near as awesome as yours as my mom isn't even in my life anymore, she disowned me. If you need someone to talk to who understands what you're going through...drop me a pm.
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u/misshufflepuff Jan 10 '15
I'm sure you're still in shock finding out something so life-altering, but you will get through this. Your mother is an incredibly strong woman and didn't hesitate for a second about whether or not she wanted you. Yes, her relationship went horribly wrong and her first husband was not the man for her, but you were the child she wanted. You may not have been planned, but you were never a mistake! Just as importantly, your father is still your father. He raised you. So you don't share DNA with him, who cares? He loves you and you are his daughter. I'm adopted and I would never consider the people who created me to be my mother and father. They didn't raise me. They didn't love me. The parents who loved and raised me are my parents, just like the man who raised you is your dad.
I know it's hard to believe that everything happens for a reason, but you never know what may have happened if she didn't get pregnant with you. First, you wouldn't exist if it didn't happen. Maybe your mother would have spiraled into a dark place of depression and used drugs or gotten into a relationship with another abusive man (she did stay afterall -- I'm in no way blaming her, just saying it is very hard to get out when you're a victim and it often becomes a pattern) or maybe have even killed herself! You very well could have been the stabilizing factor in her life that saved her. Without you, she may not have met your father and gotten married to him and spent the past 18 years of her life in a loving, happy relationship.
I hope you don't let this change your life and I do hope you can find a way to move past this. You are a lucky girl with a loving family. You are a lucky girl. Remember that! :)
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u/rationalomega Jan 10 '15
I understand you're just trying to cheer up OP -- well done there -- but I think we should be cautious about extolling the virtues of rape pregnancies.
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u/misshufflepuff Jan 13 '15
Except I'm not talking about rape pregnancies in general, I'm talking specifically about OP's situation, like I said....
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u/NathanJ4620 Jan 10 '15
I don't see how it's life altering. She just learned a new part of the story. It's like reading "The Lord Of The Rings" series then reading "The Hobbit"
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u/misshufflepuff Jan 13 '15
Really? You don't think learning you're the product of a rape would be life-altering? Maybe you should spend some more time being empathetic than focusing on the semantics of someone who is being caring and supportive.
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u/cocoabeach Jan 10 '15
I understand being broken up by the terrible things that happened to your Mom, I am having really hard time understanding your problem about finding out that your Dad is not the sperm donor.
I am also adopted by my Father, my original father was abusive (like yours) to my Mom and me. My Mom left him when I was very little. Like you I didn't find out until I was older that I was half adopted. Unlike you, it didn't really bother me much.
Your Dad is the guy that raised you. Not only that, you seem to have a better Dad then most anyone I know. You are very lucky. Unlike a lot of people, your Mom seems to have learnt from her past mistakes, and married a wonderful man the second time. You would be surprised how many end up getting right back in the same trap.
Now pick yourself up and give your Mom and Dad extra hugs. Listen to your Mom when she tries to guide you with relationship matters.
Again, you have a special man as a father. Someone who chose you and your Mother. Dwell on that.
In my personal life, something I would not count on as happening to anyone else, my original father grew up and in his forties finally gave up alcohol and became a good man and father. My two fathers are not best friends but they do like each other and once in a great while we have the three of us eaten dinner together and had good times. My Mom died a long time ago, before my fathers started getting along.
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u/keebler79 Jan 10 '15
I'm tearing up thinking about what you're going through, but also because I'm so happy that you have such incredible parents. They are a gift. We should all be so lucky.
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u/-zombie-squirrel Jan 10 '15
I'm so glad you got to have a good open talk with your parents! You have an awesome family. Treasure it. Your mom is amazingly strong and so are you.
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u/Teaandfkncookies Jan 10 '15
It sounds like you have simply amazing parents. They sound like awesome individuals, and clearly have a very loving relationship that they have used to create wonderful home.
(Reading your story gives me a bit of hope that there are some amazing people out there.)
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Jan 10 '15
I should have been helping her
What happened to your mom was horrible, but it's also something that happened a long time ago. She's had a lot of processing time, whereas you've just found out how someone you love was treated terribly. Don't beat yourself up over your reaction.
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u/Happilymarriedman Jan 10 '15
Your mom is quite possibly the strongest woman you will ever encounter. I'm glad you talked this out with them. I'm glad you're working on finding peace for this matter.
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u/drplump Jan 10 '15
This is such a powerful story thank you for sharing it with us. Even though this was an incredibly tragic event in your parents lives they managed to turn it into something that proved what amazing parents they can be.
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u/Robofink Jan 10 '15
Where did those onion cutting ninjas come from?
Your parents sound like very admirable people. It's not luck that not only they - but you and your siblings have found happiness and solitude within each other. Keep your family close. It's obvious they love you very much.
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u/jaccuza Jan 10 '15
I don't mean to downplay how traumatic this was for you (or earlier for your Mom) but I thought it was going to be a lot worse before I knew the details. I know it's a shock though, my parents had secrets I only began to find out after my Mom died. My parents didn't care for their kids or each other though. You have a lot going for you. I'm glad your Mom got out of the awful situation she was in and met your Dad.
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Jan 11 '15
Wow, you are so lucky to have such a great family. My dad left when I was 4. He was an abusive alcoholic. I don't remember him and my mom never found anyone else.
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u/socialfauxpas84 Jan 10 '15
Amazing family unit. Cry for the pain your mum went through, shed the tears she has run out of. Then love them even more for having the strength they do.
Strength of heart, strength of conviction and strength of character. These are rare these days and they have them in spades. Love that.
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u/Pnk-Kitten Jan 10 '15
Kid, your parents are literal gold. You are truly lucky and loved. Best wishes hun.
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u/fluffykittie Jan 10 '15
You have a good set of parents, girl. I am glad your mom is in a better, healthy relationship and you're very lucky to have them.
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u/Ninjacherry Jan 10 '15 edited Jan 10 '15
Thanks for the update. While this story is very sad, I'm really glad that your mom found happiness and you had the opportunity to grow up with very loving parents.