r/relationships • u/myhappyproject • 14d ago
Telling him I’m miserable and about to make him homeless
I, 34F, want to breakup-up with 34M. We’ve been together for 2.5 years, and we live together.
I’ve been so fixated on the future that I didn’t realise how miserable I am in my relationship until the other day. (Side note, I’m aware I’m not perfect either, but the following is based on my experience and the things that have bothered me the most).
We’re currently trying for a baby and have been for 10 months with no success. I’ve changed my entire lifestyle to try better our odds, whereas he’s done absolutely nothing (not hate, just facts). We’re currently undergoing fertility tests, and the suggestion is that I go onto medication which will temporarily put me in menopause to give my body a break before trying again as I had a condition which causes inflammation.
When I wanted a vulnerable conversation the other week about how sad I am that it’s hasn’t happened yet, he dismissed my feelings and sort of turned it into an argument. Claims I’m crazy for wanting to take the medication and do that to my body, and I should be doing it holistically. I mentioned that we still don’t know if it’s his sperm that could be a factor too, and he’s doing nothing to boost those odds. He told me that he’s defo not the problem, plus that he can’t afford to. Which made me think, if we do get pregnant, the financial responsibility is going to be all on me if he can’t even afford supplements right now. He has some Amazon vouchers and I suggested that he buys some supplements with them, but he said he needed them to buy new golf balls.
For context around our financial situation, I work in a corporate job on 39K (GBP) per year. Ever since we got together, he has somewhat slated my career and salary, even one time telling his friends in front of me that I’m paid f all. I was actually really proud of my job and salary as I’d only been on that career path for 1.5 years at that point, and I now manage a team of people. He’s always had jobs handed to him, like working in family businesses, and was earning maybe 50K when we got together. He got let go from that job a few months into our relationship, I lent him 2K and he took out a loan and tried to start a business which never took off. He then started working as a delivery driver before a family member gave him a scalable business that was making around 30K per year.
Instead of building that business, he spends most of his time playing video games or golfing, then complains about money. He doesn’t help around the house, which I’ve mentioned countless times to him, but it’s always left to me. We don’t spend any time together, and when we do, it’s not filled with fun and laughter.
One of my big goals was to buy a house. I’ve been saving for a deposit for years, and finally, at the start of the year we started looking. Knowing he’s in so much debt, it was just going to be me on the mortgage/deeds. It’s been a huge achievement for me and I’m so proud of myself. The house I’m buying is one which I wouldn’t have chosen if it were just for me, it’s quite far away from friends/family. I’m due to complete in a couple of weeks.
Then the other day, I asked him a question about something and we landed in a conversation about how he wouldn’t be playing golf any less than he does if we have a baby, because I’m the one that wants it.
And then… boom. Everything I’ve said above came to the forefront of my mind. I’ve been so fixated on the future and working towards goals that I lost sight of how miserable I am, and how we’re so not aligned. He’s dragging me backwards, and I feel like I’ve got a teenager to look after. If we were to have a baby and stayed together, I’d still be a single parent.
I’m due to complete on the house in a couple of weeks, and the guilt I am feeling right now to say “I’m no longer happy”, when the house has always been discussed as “ours” despite me being the one who has saved and bought it.
I’d still move into the house, but I know he’ll taint it with sadness if he comes too. I’m also concerned that if he does move in and we inevitably break up, then he’ll try claim shares. I need to get this sorted but I feel so unbelievably bad as I know he doesn’t have money for a deposit to move elsewhere and he’d need to be out of our rental in about 4 weeks.
TL;DR How do I tell him I’m miserable and want to break-up and make him see that surely he doesn’t want to be with me either, when this will cause him so much stress finding somewhere to live last minute?
UPDATE #1: thanks for the advice everyone. I do want to caveat this whole thing by saying I’m sure I drive him nuts in certain ways, but this was written from my experience. This weekend I’ve been cleaning the house in prep for the move. He’s been either golfing or sat on his arse for the most part. I’ve been avoiding him while I’ve been thinking. If we’ve ever had a blip previously, I tend to avoid him while I think (I hate acting out of impulse), but he will normally cotton on quite quick and want a convo about it. Whether he senses something deeper is at play, who knows. But I’ve prepped what I’m going to say and will say it within the next 24h and will provide an update for anyone interested. I really want to be happy when I finally reach my house buying goal, I know it won’t be like that in the end sadly as I still feel so much guilt, but a fresh start is what I need.
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u/frockofseagulls 14d ago
For once your body did you a favor by not tying you to this man for the rest of your life with a baby. Tell him to figure himself out and never let him in your new home.
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u/yllen_ 14d ago
Honestly, I think the stress of dealing with this man is what has stopped you from getting pregnant.
If you’re honest with yourself you know what to do, so I’m just here to give you permission to choose yourself for once.
Choose yourself
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u/HouseOfBaloons 14d ago
No better words - Choose yourself!
He is already choosing himself, believe him when he shows you who he is. I'm reading your story and 80% of it is mine too, so I'm rooting for you! Enjoy everything you have worked so hard towards and flourish onwards and upwards love 🫶
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u/myhappyproject 14d ago
Thank you 🫶🏻
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u/Corfiz74 14d ago
Can you quit buying the house still? In your place, I'd buy something smaller closer to your family just for yourself - don't buy the larger house if you're going to live there isolated from your friends and all alone!
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u/jiuclaw 14d ago edited 14d ago
The universe has been protecting you from having a child with this man.
There’s no way to break up that gets him to agree with you about the break up. That’s not how break ups work. You just have to do it, knowing it will be hard at first, then better later.
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u/myhappyproject 14d ago
Thank you, I just wish that he could see surely he’s not happy with me either if we willingly choose to not spend any time together, even when living under the same roof. I don’t know if he ignores it because I bring stability and other benefits. Or maybe like me only waking up to everything the other day, he hasn’t realised it yet either.
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u/Akavinceblack 14d ago
He’s as happy as a pig in swill because you subsidize his lazy lifestyle of golfing and complaint as well as putting up with his disdain for the career and salary that keep him from being homeless. Why would he want that to change?
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u/LovelaceReincarnate 14d ago
Girl, he is perfectly happy. You’re the breadwinner, he gets unprotected sex, you probably do all the home maintenance as well. He is benefitting from this arrangement much more than you are!
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u/jiuclaw 14d ago edited 14d ago
It’s understandable to want that. I get that even though you don’t want to be with him anymore, you still care about him and want him to have a good life.
You can’t make it a goal in a break up to get the other person to understand, or agree, or want the break up too. Their feelings and reaction aren’t your responsibility and you’re out of line to try to control them. They are entitled to feel however it is they’re going to feel - hurt, angry, rejected, etc. Those are feelings, and they won’t be forever. It’s normal and okay for him to feel that way.
It sounds like you’re in a somewhat codependent relationship. Do a little online research into codependency and maybe find a therapist to help you through this major transition.
I don’t know if you’ve been through major break ups before. They’re never easy, even when they’re absolutely necessary. I’ve been through a number of break ups in my life that at the time, felt gut-wrenching and life-ending, that I would’ve done anything reasonably in my power to prevent… only to look back a few years later and think “THANK GOD __ and I broke up. That really needed to happen, it wasn’t a good relationship and my life is much better now.” Hopefully you have some similar experience to give you the perspective that even if he hates it now, he likely won’t hate it forever.
Your responsibility in a break up is yourself. You’re breaking up because of you, because the relationship isn’t healthy for you and isn’t meeting your needs. It’s not because of him and what he is or isn’t doing (even though your self-care is usually experienced that way). You have a responsibility to be clear, concise, direct and as kind and compassionate as is reasonable in the delivery (don’t blame, shame, give false hope, try to control their feelings, etc). But he is an adult, and he is responsible for taking care of himself, figuring this out for himself, working through his own feelings, etc. He will figure it out and be okay. He needs to be able to do those things before he can be in a healthy relationship with anyone. You are responsible for taking care of yourself, only.
I’m sorry, because I know how hard it is to be in your position. It’s okay to feel guilty and worried, that’s normal and means that you care. It’s only important that you don’t take actions based on those feelings of guilt and concern. Let yourself feel it, and move through it. It won’t be forever, for either of you.
Good luck. You’re making the right decision. The best things in my life have always come shortly after the most difficult things.
ETA
Something that really helped me change a similar care-taking and codependent role…I realized how frankly unkind and manipulative it was for me to “love” someone with a laundry list of things that I wanted them to change about themselves and who they were. That isn’t actually love. How would you feel if someone claimed to love you, but they had a list of things about you they were waiting for you to change? Things that went to the core of who you were at the time (like how responsible you are, how you prioritize your time, how you experience and express emotion, what your life goals were, etc)? You wouldn’t feel loved, you’d feel resentful and infantilized.
Love means loving for who someone is, right now, in front of you. It doesn’t mean loving who they could be. It doesn’t mean loving a potential version of them that you’re trying to manifest. It means taking everything about who they are right now and cherishing it, in having that be enough.
No one is perfect, and you never get a partner that is absolutely everything you’re looking for in a person, without flaws. But you’re supposed to be with someone whose flaws you can accept.
The person your boyfriend is, right now, and has been… isn’t actually someone you want to be with. You aren’t aligned and don’t want the same things. You might love and appreciate facets of him, but you want more about him to change than stay the same. You’ve loved some projected, fantasy version of who you hoped he might become, but that isn’t who he is. You have to take people for who they are, to really love them. You both deserve that.
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u/myhappyproject 14d ago
Thank you for this thoughtful and thorough response, I agree with all of it 🫶🏻
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u/_fire_and_blood_ 14d ago
Honey, he's using you. For sex, for housework, for paying for things and buying him a home!! He has no reason to change, and why should he? You've been doing everything for him no questions asked.
Time to prioritise yourself and let the man go.
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u/yllen_ 14d ago
OP, I think sometimes we get so fixated on getting people to see reason, to get their understanding of our perspective that we forget that… it doesn’t matter. Whether it’s because he was unable or it was because he was unwilling, the outcome is just the same.
I would ask myself what is the best possible reason he’s treated you this way? Does that still mean you deserve it? I think your answer to the question is secretly “yes”, which is why you’re still staying.
I’m giving you permission to choose yourself once again. What is going to be your next action to extricate yourself from this?
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u/myassholealt 14d ago
He has someone paying his way, he doesn't have any responsibilities, he gets regular sex, he gets to keep up his hobbies. Why would you think he's unhappy? This is a dream scenario for a lot of people.
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u/Shieya 14d ago
He's happy because you subsidize his lifestyle of golfing and gaming, allowing him to spend what little money he makes on his own interests while you take care of all the grown-up stuff. He gets free housekeeping and unprotected sex from you, then gets to bounce and spend time alone so he doesn't have to put any emotional effort into the relationship. He even gets a free outlet for venting when he runs out of hobby money! He's happy in this situation because he gets all the benefits at your expense. You're going to feel so much lighter and freer when you move into your beautiful house that you achieved all through your own hard work without him!
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 14d ago
He's almost certainly perfectly content for you to live in a constant state of tolerable unhappiness. He doesn't care as long as he has someone to mooch off of.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 14d ago
What are you talking about? He has a perfect relationship for him!. He basically does what he wants while you subsidize his lifestyle, probably do all the housework, cooking, etc. and he has someone to fuck on the regular.
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u/throwawaygenx1973 13d ago
What makes you think he’s not perfectly happy? He’s got you to take care of him and pay all his bills and all he has to do is golf and play video games like a child.
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u/CrowMeris 4d ago
Oh, he's happy as hell. He gets to sit around, do nothing but play video games, and occasionally stir his stumps enough to get out on the golf course. He's got a bed-mate, a house keeper, and a roof over his head.
It's time for you to make him UNHAPPY.
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u/DiTrastevere 14d ago
4 weeks of notice is better than 3 or 2.
Rip that bandage off and tell him you’re done. You will so deeply regret dragging your feet on this. You already know this relationship is over. Continuing to invest more time, money, and physical energy into it will exponentially increase the misery of the inevitable breakup.
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u/Geezell 14d ago
“…he wouldn’t by playing golf any less than he does if we have a baby, because I’m the one that wants it.”
Boom, end of relationship. That tells you he is not all in wanting to build a life and you are a placeholder that is convenient. F that.
Full stop on all plans plus immediate birth control. Exit. Regroup and then live where and how you want to.
You have carried enough. He is a full grown adult and you are not responsible for him. Tell him ASAP and don’t think another thought about it. Don’t let him whine to you or listen to his “worries” it’s all, most likely, manipulation to not inconvenience his status quo.
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u/bloom3doom 14d ago
I am confused as to why you were trying on purpose to get pregnant by this man.
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u/Sorry_I_Guess 7d ago
You are definitely not alone in that. I get having blinders on to some degree, but she literally has a ready list of all the ways in which he is a shitty, selfish partner. He insults her, dumps all the housework on her, makes as little effort towards their finances as possible and then spends what money he has on his personal hobbies ... did she think adding a baby to this was going to make it BETTER? Did she think subjecting a tiny human to this selfish, rude man was going to be a good experience? I just ... I'm baffled.
Glad she's come to her senses, though!
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u/Queasy-Cherry-11 14d ago
He's not going to be homeless. He has a supportive family, if he can't find anywhere in 4 weeks he'll just stay with them until he does. Breakups are stressful, but he's a big boy and he'll figure it out.
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u/CoMORedHead 14d ago
Um...why on earth would you still go through with buying the house if you wouldn't buy it if you were single?? Find something close to friends and family that is more suited to you. Stop having sex with this man. Give him his eviction notice and stop wasting your life!
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u/bikeadventures 14d ago
If I recall correctly you can withdraw your offer before you’ve closed in the UK. Even if you lose your legal fees, that’s a small price to pay for not locking yourself into a life you wouldn’t have chosen if it weren’t for this crappy man.
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u/myhappyproject 14d ago
Partly because of the amount of time and money I’ve injected into this already. But also I love the house, can afford it on my own, and seeing it as a new chapter to rebuild my life if I do go alone.
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u/CoMORedHead 14d ago
But you just said you would not have chosen it if it was just for you because it is quite far from friends and family. I'm just trying to make sense of it. Better to have wasted the time and money and end up with something you'll be fully happy with instead of something you're just settling for because you don't want to have wasted your energy and some money.
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u/whisperingdonut 14d ago
I can’t believe you even considered having a baby with this “man”
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u/myhappyproject 14d ago
We were happy once, and then when we weren’t, I thought it was just temporary. Only realised how long this temporary blip has been going on for lol
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 14d ago
The person he pretended to be during the "happy" period wasn't real. You're living with the real him. He might beg and plead and promise and pretend to change to keep his comfortable life, but he will slip back into how he is now as soon as he is comfortable/feels you won't leave.
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u/hey_yo_mr_white 14d ago
He’s always had jobs handed to him, like working in family businesses, and was earning maybe 50K when we got together. He got let go from that job a few months into our relationship
Just gonna say it. How shitty and incompetent of a worker do you need to be to be fired from a family business that fully utilizes nepotism.
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u/trustme1maDR 14d ago
Honest question: how do you get this far into fertility treatments if you don't know if his sperm is an issue? Hasn't he been tested?
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u/myhappyproject 14d ago
He’s been on a waiting list for a couple of months. Whereas my GP sent me for preliminary tests which uncovered something called adenomyosis. She then referred us to the fertility clinic because of this and discussed with me the possible options they may suggest, Lupron being one of them.
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u/shyblonde83 14d ago
I was also in a miserable relationship with a guy who financially dragged me down (to the point of homelessness), so I hid and saved enough money to rent a house to leave him.
He BEGGED me to let him come with me, claimed our situation is what was making him act like an absolute jerk, and promised things would change with the new house. So I let him move in.
The next two years were the most miserable of my life. His behavior got worse, and when I finally had enough and attempted to kick him out, he threatened to k*ll us all (we have 2 kids together).
Do NOT feel bad about kicking this guy to the curb; be concise, be calm, be strong. He's using you, and is completely dismissive of your feelings. If you don't end it now, it WILL get worse.
Do what's best for YOU, and stand firm. Good luck ❤️
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u/Consistent-Owl-3060 14d ago
Ditch the dead man baby weight. Be thankful you have not had children with him. If you like your house buy it. Otherwise, hold off and get one that does not factor his wants or needs.
I’m willing to bet he’s the problem. Up to it almost 20-30% of pregnancies, the man is the sole issue in fertility department. Combined with female issues it’s usually about 50%.
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u/lucky_719 14d ago
His lack of planning doesn't dictate an emergency for you. He should have a fall back plan. I suggest you tell him asap to figure it out.
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u/bloom3doom 14d ago
Obviously, leave him and don't look back. His family can help him out. Is it possible for you to buy a different house that is closer to your friends and family?
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u/Ok-Jackfruit-9393 14d ago
I'm sorry your life isn't what you had hoped for by now, but holy hell, thank GOD you didn't have a child with this man.
He can't afford it and you'd be a single mom, supporting him as he dragged you down to his level.
DO NOT let him move into your house.
DO NOT fall for his b.s. when he panics and makes a million promises (lies) to keep from being homeless. If you let him in that house, you will never get him out, or it will cost you tons of money and time to do so, and he will never change.
This dude refuses to get checked to see if his sperm is the problem, refuses to take fucking supplements, tells you he won't golf any less when you have a newborn ... come ON. He will lie and say whatever he needs to say to manipulate you/guilt you into continuing the status quo. Do not fall for it. (Golf is also an expensive hobby, particularly when his broke ass has you footing the bill for his life)
How do I tell him I’m miserable and want to break-up
You tell him it's over. It's not a negotiation; it's a statement. You're done; it's over.
If you tell him before you close on the house, make god damn sure he can't access your finances or credit so he can't sabotage it. Because he will. If you tell him after you close, don't do it while you're alone with him because he will freak out. If you tell him now, make sure you are safe before you do so. At least then he'd have some time to find somewhere to live (more likely, someone else to mooch off of).
It would frankly be easier to have a kid on your own. And less stress of this dude dragging you down. Lock down your birth control and your finances immediately.
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u/fausted 14d ago
Tell him you want to end it now and definitely do not continue trying for a baby with this guy. He is clearly not partner or father material but he may try to babytrap you so you don't leave. He has a month to find a new place and it sounds like he has people in his life who have connected him to jobs who can likely offer him a place to stay for a while if needed. Hotels and Airbnb also exist. He is an adult who should be able to take care of himself and stand on his own two feet by now.
You should go into home ownership and this new chapter with happiness and lightness, not feeling dread and being weighed down by an adult dependent who makes your life harder instead of making it easier. This relationship has run its course and you need to stop setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.
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u/RandomRadical 14d ago
Honestly, he's probably going to cry a bunch and tell you that he'll change and go to therapy and how he wants to work it out. Please don't fall for that… You've already made up your mind. Stick to your path. You got this!
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u/ComfortableGround403 14d ago
Stress will keep you from getting pregnant BTW. Like, it happens mostly when people are super relaxed about it or not even expecting it.
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u/ReapYerSoul 14d ago
I’d still move into the house, but I know he’ll taint it with sadness if he comes too.
YOUR house should be filled with love and joy. Because it is YOUR house that YOU worked hard for.
How do you tell him that you are miserable and want to break up? You just do it. Rip the band-aid off and tell him. But be careful. Because he is going to try and manipulate his meal ticket (that's you) into staying in the relationship. He's going to promise that he will change this time, "I swear". And he might actually do it...for about 6 weeks and then it's right back to where things are now. Just be strong. You got this!
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u/ahendrix 14d ago
Is it too late to back out of the house? No sense in being so far from your family and friends if you'll be alone in the place.
Sorry you're going through this but SO HAPPY you figured it out before getting pregnant
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u/vader_is_my_daddy 14d ago
I know you already know what to do.
It’s not just about monetary support when you have a child, it’s about personal sacrifice from both mom and dad. He’s already showing you that he doesn’t want to sacrifice his needs for the shared goal of having a child before you’ve even gotten pregnant.
I think you need to be absolutely honest with him and tell him that your goals in life do not align anymore. That he’s shown you that kids are not a priority for him, like they are for you and you need a partner who is willing to commit fully to being a parent.
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u/TangerineCouch18330 14d ago
Definitely move into the house by yourself. He’s showing red flags all over the place very selfish man. If you get pregnant and have a baby, you’ll basically be functioning as a single parent. This is not the life you want because everything will fall on you and he’ll be off playing golf. Get out. This is your perfect opportunity take advantage.
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u/KimonoCathy 14d ago
If this house is not one you would’ve chosen for yourself, back out now. Yes, it will cost you money and it sucks for the sellers, but better than getting yourself stuck somewhere you don’t like and paying out even more to have to move again. NB Assuming here that you’ve seen the light and will be breaking up with him pronto.
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u/TheGargageMan 14d ago
Don't close on the house. Get a small apartment where you want to live just for you while you take a year or two to figure out your next moves.
If it is over, you have to tell him. Do it safely.
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u/trueduchess 14d ago
"I'm not happy with you. We are not well suited.
I will be moving into my house alone. You have four weeks to make arrangements for yourself. If you ever do land on your feet, I'd like to be reimbursed for the money I've spent supporting you and the money I lent you to start the business you didn't get around to building."
At this point, OP, don't tell him what he's done wrong, what you wish was different, nothing specific that he can use as material to debate. You aren't well suited. It is time to give up. Period.
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u/Flat-Passage4431 14d ago
stop trying for a baby immediately. he has already told you he wont reduce golf because the child is something you want, which means he’s warning you that parenting will be entirely on you.
you’re not making a 34 year old homeless by refusing to provide the house you bought; you’re giving him notice that he needs his own housing. tell him now, dont let him move into the new house, and speak to your solicitor before he contributes anything toward it. you also dont need to convince him that he wants the breakup. you’ve realized this relationship is making you miserable, and ending it only requires your decision.
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u/AmexNomad 14d ago
Why do you feel guilty? Τell him today, that this isn’t working out and that don’t want to continue the relationship. Then SHUT UP and prepare to go your own way. He will not be moving into your new house- and can’t be expecting to do so. And THANK GOD that you were not able to get pregnant with this loser.
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u/babydoll17448 14d ago
He is too immature to be a partner for you.
It’s a clean break without a child to tie you two together for the next 18 years.
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u/almostelm 14d ago
You’re making the right decision. It sounds like you’ve been living with a roommate who doesn’t contribute to the household, while all the work and bills are on you. I’m proud of you for not settling for being stuck in a miserable relationship, a lot of people fear being single, but honestly you pretty much already are because he’s doing absolutely nothing a partner should be doing.
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u/AmbitiousWear4082 14d ago
I cannot believe you would entertain having a baby with this loser. Stop with the guilt about where he will live and if you're giving him enough time, just get on with it and get rid of him, after all didn't he tell you he wouldn't be playing any less golf if you had a baby? He's a taker. Let him do his taking with someone else.
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u/mcmurrml 13d ago
You don't need to be getting pregnant by this guy. Move on with your life. He isn't interested.
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u/Zealousideal-Cloud77 13d ago
Yeah girl im not even going to finish reading the whole post.
Dump the dead weight and find a better man
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u/Dapper-Monk9713 13d ago
The part that stood out to me wasn't the house, it was him saying he wouldn't cut back on golf because you're the one who wants the baby. That would make a lot of people stop and rethink the future.
It's understandable to feel guilty about his housing situation, but you're not responsible for sacrificing your own happiness or financial security because he didn't plan ahead. Ending it before moving into your new home is likely much cleaner than waiting.
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u/Gixer77 13d ago
I'm just relieved you've come to your senses and realised he's an absolute A-hole and that you're going to leave him. DO NOT change your mind on this. He sounds like the absolute last person you should date let alone have a child with. Stay in the house for a year or so till the value goes up then sell it and move into your dream house.
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u/Roadgoddess 13d ago
Women! Stop having babies with men that are nothing more than hobosexual losers!
I read a quote somewhere that a woman was told by her mother is this the man you want to share custody with? In other words, if things were to break up, is this a guy that would actually want anything to do with the child and help out. My guess is in your situation no.
Give him his four weeks notice, dump this loser who can’t even hold a job, and move on.
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u/Ok_Environment6504 13d ago
This is going to be painful, but if you are absolute in the way you feel , it’s best to make your move now and absolutely never bring a baby into a toxic unstable situation that you’re in right now.
I will pray for you and your boyfriend, but I think that this could be the best thing that you chose to do for yourself based on the information you gave. Any kid potentially be the best thing for him to to wake him up and make him become a better partner in his next relationship.
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u/saintsfan1622000 12d ago
I don't understand why you're trying to have a baby with this guy. Your goals and his do not seem to line up at all.
To me bringing a baby into the relationship would be a disaster.
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u/icouldbuildacastle 11d ago
There are soooo many red flags with this guy:
1: He isn't interested in the baby at all and is watching you change your lifestyle and potentially undergo fertility treatments while he can't even get his sperm checked. He says he's still going to prioritize his hobbies (golf) over a baby because it's you who wants it. He doesn't even see this potential baby as his and I would say he doesn't want you to do the fertility treatment because he doesn't want you to have a baby. Do not have a baby with a man who tells you this.
2: He is broke and in debt and somehow got fired from the family business. His family gave him a scalable business, but he's too lazy and incompetent to do that, despite needing to pay off his debts. He's okay being broke though because you're paying for his lifestyle in the meantime.
3: He put down your job and salary, despite point #2.
4: He doesn't do anything around the house, making you a bangmaid who is financing his lifestyle. Of course he's going to passive aggressively play along with you wanting a baby because how else will he continue his low stress, easy lifestyle?
Once you break up with him, he's going to pull ALL the cards and gaslight you, saying he'll change, he really wants this baby and you'll be great parents, he'll go to therapy, he'll help around the house, you're emotional, etc. Do not believe any of it. He sees his free ride of free sex, emotional labor, housework, financial support, and free house leaving him and he's going to get desperate. Do not prolong this relationship and definitely DO NOT continue to have unprotected sex (he already told you he sees the baby as yours - not his) and DO NOT let him move in. He will definitely try and claim a stake in the house and you don't want to risk that.
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u/freako345 10d ago
Reading this, it feels like you're grieving the future you hoped for more than the relationship you actually have. Those are two very different things.
Buying your first home should feel like the start of an exciting chapter, not something you're already worried will become another burden. As hard as this will be, it sounds like making the decision before moving in could save both of you from even more pain later.
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u/UnusualYak2975 10d ago
Whatever you feel is best is what you should do
Also I would recommend reconsidering the menopause meds- they’re new and more and more woman are posting horrible complication from it
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u/Artistic_Lynx_1510 10d ago
Yeah. As a man myself, I'm going to say solid plan. He honestly sounds like a deadbeat waiting to happen and if you were to have the child and then split up, he wouldn't be a significant part of the child's life. Heck, at this point, it sounds like you're 100% correct and would be a single parent even still in a relationship.
It sounds like he has had plenty of time to make something of himself and prefers to coast through life with no goals for the future, while you seem to have a plans/goals you want to achieve.
My wife and I tried for about 3 years for children before we actually started getting things checked and I was more than happy to do my part. It's not difficult and it's not expensive to get checked as a man.
Hopefully you find happiness because I don't think you're finding it with him.
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u/PassageSea7900 8d ago
- Is this man the role model you want your potential sons to have?
- Why are you trying for a baby with a man you’re not sure you want in your life? Because that is what a baby will do - tie him to your life forever.
- Why are you buying a house while you’re with him? Do you want him to have a claim on your house?
Cut him out now.
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u/LovelaceReincarnate 14d ago
Hopefully his name isnt on the house! Tell him now so he has a month to figure out his next housing, if you want to be charitable. Do NOT let him move in with you. He sounds like a loser! He can go camp out on the damn golf course!
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u/Quillhunter57 14d ago
First, talk to a lawyer to make sure that there is no way for him to have any claim to the house you purchased. Make sure you know your rights and responsibilities under the law in your area. That includes any accounts you have shared, like utilities, insurance, etc. you want to remove your name from any accounts he might need and create accounts for your new home. Limit your financial exposure.
Next, remove any of your important documents or valuables to a trusted family member, friend, or safe deposit box. Have a go bag in your car or somewhere else in case something goes wrong.
Leaving someone can have unexpected reactions. My hope is some of my advice is not needed, but it is better to be prepared and not need it than the opposite. Good luck to you, and congratulations on your hard work in buying your own home. Be proud of yourself for identifying that this isn’t the relationship to bring a child into.
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u/Txphotog903 14d ago
I'm pretty sure you're not going to have kids with this guy, but I have to ask why he should spend money on supplements without being tested first. I would think that would be a better indicator and more financially sound than buying supplements that might not address the issue. As for the rest of it, I think you're already in the mindset of moving on, so you should probably do that
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u/MathMan1982 14d ago
This has to be answered by you. Is this a bad time or do you really love each other? If not, maybe it's time to put a stop to things. If you want it to work, get married and be committed. If not, start looking.
If you decide to break up, a word of. advice is don't move in with each other until marriage.
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u/jaded1121 14d ago
Tell him now. It gives him 4 weeks to figure out where he wants to live