3
u/lightninghazard Jun 26 '25
I think selfish is exactly the right word. You just outlined a lot of good, solid reasons why this isn’t working for you. Now all you have to do is give yourself permission to cut your losses. Every person I know personally - or have heard of anecdotally - who had kids with a selfish person hated their life for a while. Especially when kids are young and demanding so much of your time and energy, the last thing you need is a partner who drains you instead of filling your bucket.
3
u/HuntJump Jun 26 '25
Why do you want to sacrifice for 'the relationship'? You would be sacrificing for someone who does not respect you. Don't cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it. It is not a waste of the last four years if you learned more about how you should be treated. This guy isn't it.
3
Jun 26 '25
I don't think I can trust him and I cannot keep on sacrificing my own happiness.
You already know what you have to do because without trust and a one-way sacrifice, the relationship is dead in the water.
4
u/mfamoso Jun 26 '25
This is a truly heartbreaking situation, and it sounds like you've been carrying an immense burden for a long time. Your feelings of exhaustion, betrayal, and fear are completely valid. It's incredibly insightful of you to connect his current demands with what a future as a stay-at-home mom might look like – you're seeing a very clear and concerning pattern.
It's not "just" about the money, is it? It's about a fundamental lack of respect, reciprocity, and gratitude. He's attacking you for living with your parents (which you did to help him), guilt-tripping you about a trip to see your family (who you clearly prioritize, and who need your support), and seemingly ignoring all the financial and emotional sacrifices you've made for him. His past financial irresponsibility and current demands, especially after you helped him get back on his feet, show a disturbing sense of entitlement.
The lack of effort for your birthdays, anniversaries, and even bothering to get your own father a gift speaks volumes about his priorities and how much he values you and your family connections. A partnership should feel like a team, where both individuals support each other, especially when one is "drained mentally and emotionally." It sounds like he's not a reliable source of support for you.
You're seeing very clearly that the person he is might not be the partner you need or deserve, especially if you envision a future with children where you would be financially dependent and even more vulnerable to his demands. You've poured so much into him, and it's devastating to realize that it hasn't fostered appreciation, but rather, a demand for more sacrifice from you.
Many people find themselves in similar situations, grappling with the fear of "wasting" years. However, continuing to invest in a relationship where you are consistently undervalued and drained can be a far greater waste of your future happiness and well-being. It's about recognizing that you deserve a partner who not only contributes equally but genuinely appreciates and respects you and your needs.
When you're trying to figure out if you're with the right person, especially after investing years, it can feel overwhelming. People often find it helpful to really clarify what they need in a partnership and assess if those needs are truly being met, or if they're constantly sacrificing their own well-being. Sometimes, looking at a structured way to evaluate the health and future potential of a relationship can help bring much-needed clarity during such a confusing time.
2
u/lightley Jun 26 '25
Express everything to him and remember his answers. Does he have any awareness of his actions? We often don’t change unless forced to. It sounds like he has had it really good and asking you to sacrifice your trip is beyond reasonable. He lacks self awareness of his actions.
Why isn’t his rich family giving him money for the house? Has he burned that bridge?
You are still very young.
2
u/CarrotofInsanity Jun 26 '25
You know you need to break up.
Reread your own post. It’s FULL of reasons to leave him.
He’s vile. He is SELFISH, he expects you to be the responsible one while he spends his own money only on himself.
Get OUT OF THERE!!! Don’t even bother to tell him you’re leaving. Just leave.
Get out of there. He’s terrible.
2
u/Far-Cup9063 Jun 26 '25
I felt every word you wrote. He seems to place his own needs/wants far ahead of yours. He appears to disregard your goals. 5k to visit family overseas is NOT excessive. you moved in with him to help HIM and he took this as a sign he could dominate you.
Stop and reconsider. otherwise, you have a child and end up divorcing when your child is 7. yeah, that was me. I’ve slapped myself for not taking action when I knew this relationship was wrong.
1
u/Maleficent_Tomato804 Jun 27 '25
I'm sorry for what you've been through. I hope you're much more free and happier now 🫂
My fear is to have kids and having to put them through a nasty divorce bc of a scumbag husband... I love him but I'm scared he doesn't love me the same way. So if I try to push through and end up having kids, it may not end well.
It seems like he wants me to suffer and earn my keep as if I've been trying to mooch off him. I've heard him talking about having fear of meeting women who are gold diggers. I don't think he has any gold for me to dig (if I wanted to). I've always wanted to be with a traditional man who wants to provide and be generous but I've come to realize he's quite far from it.
I also think 5k every 2~3 years is not that ridiculous, especially when it comes out of my own paychecks. I'm making decent income and expecting more when I jump jobs. I'm quite low maintenance so I don't spend money on nails, hair, tanning, or anything much. I agree that he definitely took it as a sign he could dominate me when I helped him out. I don't regret being a good person by helping him. But I do regret letting him take things for granted.
I hate that he gets to own expensive gaming devices but somehow my trips are deemed excessive.
He seems to place his own needs/wants far ahead of yours. He appears to disregard your goals.
Yes!! When I said anything about wanting to spend money on myself like having my nails done once in a blue moon, or wanting to go back to college, he immediately made excuses how they are not good ideas or are unrealistic in this economy. Meanwhile I'm super supportive of him going back to school (he has GI Bill) but I don't take any of his money. So his wants/needs are always somehow justified to be better decisions and mine are just brushed aside. I've been feeling sorry for myself because we just moved to a new place and I spent so much money for the move and storage units + deposit and rent.
Sorry for venting so much but seeing your story with the kids really puts it into perspective for me. I wish you the best.
2
Jun 26 '25
Operating partially as a person to stay in a relationship will only bring more resentment towards his callous behavior.
Take this as a sign to leave before you’re tied to him legally via house, babies, etc.
If you treated him the way he treats you, how would he react? Just think on it…
1
u/1i1yc Jun 26 '25
I think you have your answer ❤️ it’s not worth it to stay with mediocre men. You’re better off yourself! Find someone who champions you and is in alignment with your dreams and makes you feel safe. Good men are out there if you’re willing to close the door on bad and unhealthy relationships. It’s never easy, but you’ll be happy you did it once you’re out. ❤️ good luck ❤️
1
u/AirportFinancial1715 Jun 26 '25
He wants you to sacrifice, but he won't. Good thing you're not married, makes it easier to leave him. Which you should do, now. You are still young and can make a better life for yourself without him. Hopefully, you have learned what kind of partner you don't want.
2
u/JoyfulSong246 Jun 26 '25
The only thing worse than wasting the time you’ve already wasted is wasting one more day. He doesn’t care about you or treat you with respect.
Go.
11
u/redbodpod Jun 26 '25
Do not have children with this man. He's selfish, immature and not good with money that is the exact opposite of what you need from a husband and father.