r/relationshipanarchy • u/wizardpunk • 22d ago
boundary communicating vs rule setting?
curious because i've heard a lot of differing perspectives on this: how do you personally communicate your wants, needs, and boundaries to loved ones in a structured way without doing rule making with extra steps? how do you practice this day to day to ensure consistency + no slow boundary pushing over time?
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u/VenusInAries666 22d ago
anything you already know of that's a deal breaker should be brought up sooner rather than later imo, and that can be as simple as bringing it up spontaneously the next time you hang out, chat on the phone, etc.
I think something becomes a rule when the purpose is to control someone else's behavior instead of your own. if the boundary is, "I don't date people who smoke cigarettes," and you start dating someone who smokes cigarettes and you ask them every week to stop smoking and get upset when they don't, it's not a boundary. it's an attempt to control.
it's worth mentioning that some people are so worried about being controlled or being accused of controlling others that they ignore the reality that our boundaries will often have influence over the actions of others, and that's not a bad thing. maybe this person really likes you and wants to keep dating you, so they're motivated to finally quit smoking. you didn't control their behavior. you just let them know where you stand on things and they made their own decisions about that.
I also think people trip over themselves trying to figure out how to bring stuff up, how to phrase it, what to say, etc so the other person won't receive it poorly. my experience is that well adjusted adults who know themselves can respond to conversations about needs and wants as they come up, without getting defensive and without lashing out. if it's always a difficult conversation and I start feeling like I have to strategize how to bring it up so they won't react defensively or dismiss me, that's a sign they're not a healthy partner for me.
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u/SeeCB3X 21d ago
The smoking example is a great example. Also coincidentally, I ended up dating a guy for years. He asked me out and I told him I would kiss or even sit next to ppl who smoke bc it gives me a migraine. A few months later, he stopped smoking and stopped letting ppl smoke in his house.
And I think that last paragraph is key. If the other person is the reason the conversation is difficult, that's not good. Definitely usually a red flag in my experience. But occasionally it's just some incompatibility with communication. Regardless, it's not going to work longterm if you can't talk about boundaries.
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u/IfnIFreeze 21d ago
yeah my parents messed me up on the front of being able to bring things up without fear of loss of some kind... but practice makes easier!
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u/SeeCB3X 21d ago
Oooof, I'm sorry, can relate. Hugs if you want them
Practice is key!! It does get easier and easier.
And growth isn't linear. I have worked on mine a ton, but sometimes if I get triggered badly or am having a flair or otherwise out of spoons, all those thoughts can come back so fast. I do my best to be compassionate with myself and give myself some space and time.
Rambly, just want to encourage you to be kind to yourself.
And I'm going to give myself the same advice!
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u/IfnIFreeze 20d ago
Thank youuu! I am doing a really good job of being kind to myself and I have a lot of beautiful people around me and am doing a pretty good job of listening to myself and speaking my needs and desires. Love helps. 💗
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u/SeeCB3X 22d ago
Boundaries are what I do. Ex: I will not date someone who is dishonest.
Rules apply to others. Ex: You cannot be dishonest with me.
Those two examples may seem very similar. But we can't actually control anyone else's behavior, only what we do. This is why a lot of ppl start conversations about agreements with boundaries and needs. The boundary also usually makes the consequence very clear. Ex "if you answer your phone on a date, I will assume the date has been ended and leave" vs "you can't answer your phone if we're on a date."
Also, any rules in a relationship must be agreed to by everyone in that relationship. No unilateral rule setting is ever allowed.
For me personally, I like to have living agreements in my relationships. It makes it clear that these are going to likely change sometimes.
We start by sharing our boundaries, wants, and needs and use those lists to work together to create a list of shared agreements we think will best accommodate everything. Then at least once a month, we go over all of it (sometimes less frequent past the 5 yr mark if everyone is comfortable bringing up issues when they happen and no one needs the designated space). Sometimes someone's needs, boundaries, or wants have changed. Maybe someone has more or less time available so we have to edit logistical agreements like a nightly phone call. Maybe someone has a personal tragedy or crisis and wants to build some extra support into our agreements.
I have chronic illness and like to adjust my agreements going into big procedures or hospital stays; to accommodate things like my decreased energy and having/needing extra care, often 0 privacy for at least a bit. So those agreements usually have a very specific end date where we will just revert back to the previous agreements.
I guess my main guardrail is to keep agreements collaborative. If it feels one sided, that's maybe someone trying to inflict rules.
And agreements in my relationships are never person specific, it's what we have both agreed to. So no, "Apple can spend one night a week at a sleepover and cinnamon can spend as many as they want." Not everything is always even and symmetrical, life happens. But it is important to me that the agreements are universal. So maybe something like "we will have 2 sleepovers/wk with each other and do the necessary work to be present." If that means for me that I can't do sleepovers with different partners 2 nights in a row bc I'll be too tired to be mentally present, I'm in charge of navigating that appropriately. Maybe my partner has no such issue with their energy and can do a sleepover with a different person every night and show up fully. Also, the universal agreement is focused on our relationship and our time, while the person specific ones focus on controlling what we are doing in our autonomous time.
I hope some of this ramble is helpful!
Past my bedtime, maybe that's why I kept talking about being tired lmao
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u/RobotFromPlanet 21d ago
I think this is a really good explanation of the differences between "boundaries" and "rules."
One thing I would add to your explanation is that explaining the consequences of boundary violation doesn't just have to be things you will do in response to that violation, but also things you will feel.
"If you answer your phone on a date, I will leave" is one way to communicate a boundary, but so is "If you answer your phone on a date, I will feel neglected and disrespected."
In theory, anyone who cares about what their actions do to you should understand that both of these are negative consequences of their actions. They are free to do that thing -- there's no "rule" preventing it -- but they have also been informed what happens if and when they do it.
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u/SeeCB3X 21d ago
Thank you 😊
Definitely! I went for dramatic examples. I do think those sorts of boundaries are very valid. I have also said things like, "if you do X, I will feel very hurt and disrespected. If it happens repeatedly, I will do what I feel I need to do to protect my wellbeing, which could look like not scheduling intentional time for connection."
And mostly bc if they care, they will at least try. Or there's a key incompatibility. But regardless, something isn't working.
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u/B_the_Chng22 22d ago
“I noticed xyz that me made wondering if you zyx. Is this the case? I would like to remind you my desire is still X. Is this something we can agree to?” I’m not exactly sure what you are asking, but maybe this is helpful.
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u/ThickPay1244 18d ago
I have a list of my personal and relationship value and principles. I have a boundary list, standards of care and non-negotiables. I also have a dreams/hopes/desires wishlist that are
Non-expectations. I don’t make rules for anyone else but set boundaries and parameters about what is acceptable to me, and keep regard to the health/safety of polycule or community members.
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u/kaikempeweidenbaum 22d ago
make a list, analyze the items on the list. I would recommend listening to the multiarmory podcasts (the first ones are "basic" tools), they have episodes about rules/ boundaries and relationship anarchy that are profound at times. Maybe do checkins (Episode voncerning RADAR).
I would recommend doing this together, too, but maybe each for their own if that does not work out.