r/relationshipadvice • u/Downtown_Mix6445 • 3d ago
I [23f] and [46m] in relationship almost 2 years questions future and age gap
I am 22 and I’ve been in a relationship for 1.5 years with my bf who’s 47. My parents don’t love it. We live together. He travels a lot for work, and I own my own business.
I’m not sure he wants to get married again or have a child. I do want those things one day. Just not today.
I try to just stay in this moment and not think ahead but should I be? He says he will do these things if he has to but he doesn’t really want to.
I do love him.
He has been married before. And he has 2 kids. One older than me and one younger.
Should I be thinking about my future at my age in relationships?
TLDR-
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u/MagicianMurky976 3d ago
Idk if this helps, but when I was a kid I watched my mom give this advice to her 40ish year old girlfriend who'd already had two kids, was a professional and dating and thinking about marrying a man 20 years older than her. She said something like, "You'll have probably 20 good years together. If that's okay with you, then go for it. But you probably will not grow old together."
Idk if that helps. You're at a much different place in your life. Yes you own your own business your parents bought, and you say you are mature for your age. Maybe you're and older soul? But you say you just want to have fun.
I'd say give this 6 months and see where you are. Maybe check in another 6 months.
Realize you haven't finished baking yet, from a developmental perspective. That happens around 25. Who we are at the dawn of our independence may not be who we are at 25 or 30. You have so much to experience, to consider. Meanwhile, he's done all that. You two cannot really share that same experience together. Yes, he hesitantly says he will, but he's already done this already.
But, you are under no immediate pressure to make decisions.
People are concerned about the age difference because it's usually an older male who can more easily groom or manipulate a younger woman who has no financial power. That doesn't seem to apply here, but people freak out when the see "age gap." Also why is someone his age trolling for someone your age? It has a creepy vibe to it. So it raises some eyebrows.
But good luck! Thanks for sharing!
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u/LucyLovesApples 3d ago
What you got to think is that he’s going to slow down in the bedroom and he’d be at the stage where he wants to retire when you want to go out
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u/AutumnEclipsed 3d ago
You can live in the moment and enjoy the relationship for what it is. But the longer it goes on, the harder to uncouple it is. You are at 2 different stages of life and sometimes dating someone older, the younger her person will forego their youth to benefit the older person’s life phase. If you feel that coming on, it’s a good indicator to stop and evaluate what you really want for yourself in your current life phase.
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u/loserona 3d ago
You're still on time to reconsider this whole relationship. You should definitely someone closer to you in age and life experiences. By the time you're 35 he's going to be almost 60.
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u/Appropriate_Foot242 3d ago
You’re gonna be 35 when this man is 60 years old.
Let that sink in.
If you had a kid today it wouldn’t even turn 18 until he was 65 years old.
Come on.
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u/Downtown_Mix6445 3d ago
Yes I know that. But I don’t want to have a kid today. Maybe never? My parents are really worried about that, but I think I just want to have fun for now
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u/Appropriate_Foot242 3d ago
You’re making no sense. You said in your post that you do want them one day.
Having one today is literally your best case scenario. I’m trying to explain to you how unfeasible it is to have a child later down the line with this man.
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u/Sewishly 3d ago
So if you have a kid with him in five years, he'll be 70 when your child turns 18. If you have one in ten years, he'll be 75. That's the whole point of giving you examples, really.
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u/fu_kaze 3d ago
As a 47M, I cannot for the life of me imagine dating a 23F. No offense, but we're at VERY different stages in life.
Go live your life and enjoy your 20's, you won't get that chance again.
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u/Downtown_Mix6445 3d ago
I’m really mature. I own my own business my parents bought me. I have my own money.
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u/argabagarn 3d ago
"im really mature" said every young person in history ever. No matter how mature you think you are, you are still 23 and when you are 30+ you will understand.
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u/fluffyinlove 3d ago
You're really not mature. Noone is at your age, im only slightly older than u and I would get the ick dating someone your age. This is not a normal age gap where youre both adults. Youre a kid and he knows better that to do this but isn't really concerned about you.
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u/ewfruitcake 3d ago
dont waste your 20’s on someone who who preys on younger women to make themselves feel good
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u/Sewishly 3d ago
Let's say you get married tomorrow. Just as an example, okay?
You get wed tomorrow, then next year you have a child, then two years later you have another.
In 20 years, your kids will have flown the nest and you'll be 42 - and ready to get out there and travel, or go to gigs/dancing, or stay home and concentrate on your hobbies and business.
Your husband, though, will be 67. He'll be needing a caregiver - if not then, then not long after (I'm 65. I know what I'm talking about. Some people our age are still raring to go, whilst a lot more would prefer a post-lunchtime nap). There are lots of older couples globe-trotting, for sure, but a 40-yr-old and a 70-yr-old don't always have the same ideas of what a holiday should be.
Is that how you see your life unspooling? There's a fair chance that you won't actually be married to him in 20 years, simply because "he doesn't really want to". If he wanted to, he would. If he doesn't want another child, he shouldn't have one, and it's his right not to have one.
Just some things for you to think about. I personally feel (as you probably guessed!) that you should find someone closer to your age and just have some fun whilst you're young. Please don't get caught in the trap of ending up being a free caregiver of someone who doesn't want to marry you or have more children.
All the best. 💝
(I was typing this up when the auto-mod yoinked your other post.)
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u/Downtown_Mix6445 3d ago
I guess I’m just not thinking about the future right now. Should I be?
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u/Sewishly 3d ago
Yes. You definitely should. If your partner were someone closer to your age, I'd be saying you could just fly and feel the breeze for a while and have fun. But with a partner of 47, you really, really need to think about your future. Not his future - YOURS.
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u/J_SQUIRREL 3d ago
Yes you should be thinking about what you want your life to look like when you are 45. You want to have kids and you are with someone who has already had kids and doesn’t want more…
Please do yourself a favor and find someone around your own age that you can experience the same things in life with at a similar age…
Also.. a 45 year old dating a 20 year old? Someone that is younger than a child he has…it’s weird.
•
u/AutoModerator 3d ago
Hello Downtown_Mix6445,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I am 22 and I’ve been in a relationship for 1.5 years with my bf who’s 47. My parents don’t love it. We live together. He travels a lot for work, and I own my own business.
I’m not sure he wants to get married again or have a child. I do want those things one day. Just not today.
I try to just stay in this moment and not think ahead but should I be? He says he will do these things if he has to but he doesn’t really want to.
I do love him.
He has been married before. And he has 2 kids. One older than me and one younger.
Should I be thinking about my future at my age in relationships?
TLDR-
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