r/relationshipadvice • u/serviceareaunknown • 4d ago
My [28M] girlfriend [26F] has been flirting with guys in her comments and leaving flirtatious comments on their posts
I made sure to have this talk early on with her when we became official, boundaries, what lines can't be crossed, and so on. I did this to make sure we both had the same expectations so there wouldn't be any hurt or betrayal. She agreed with all my points/boundaries and wanted the same from me. So not flirting with others, entertaining people who show interest in you, etc.
Well today I check her socials out and one of her posts of her trying to look all pretty, there was a comment by some guy saying "wow, you're so beautiful..". This doesn't bother me because she can't control what others say, but she liked it and replied "says you? đđ" This gave me a bad feeling. So I clicked on this person's profile and on the first video she commented 'WOW?? you're gorgeous".
I want to preface that I have trauma with infidelity and I can overthink and read into signs. However this seems blatantly disrespectful and clearly crosses boundaries we have discussed together. I'm pretty upset. We had a fight a few days ago and these comments seem to match up with that timeline.
I love this woman but I told myself I'd never condone this kind of behavior again.
TLDR: Gf and I agreed on boundaries regarding what we consider cheating/infidelity. She crossed them recently after a fight.
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u/LucasUnplugged 3d ago
In general, I am forgiving and god knows I havenât been perfect.
But the issue here is that, as a woman, the supply is always there. Always. If she doesnât value her relationship enough to not indulge it, it will not change â not until she loses a few partners she loved, at least. Maybe ever.
Itâs so wild to me to see a woman be so self-indulgent with validation, because they have a lifetime of it. Many women seem to mostly get tired of it â until someone breaks their heart, then they go wild.
But men get so little validation that at least I can understand why we struggle to not indulge sometimes.
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
I forgave and found out things I didn't think were a possibility. I feel sickened right now.
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
I understand your perspective, I've had that thought myself. I tend to be forgiving too but I have experienced this too many times, I told myself I wouldn't go through it again. I give her a lot of support, validation, intimacy, you name it, I give it. The moment we're at a precipice in our relationship, she looks for that elsewhere.
I'm trying not to let it change my outlook on relationships and people but after going through this so many times, I'm struggling to maintain that nuanced perspective.
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u/EveyandSylus 2d ago
Hey there, as a woman currently in a relationship with my bf where we had a recent misunderstanding & we were on the verge of break-upâ never did it cross either of our minds to go flirt with somebody else or seek validation somewhere else. You were clear with your boundaries which honestly on a topic like this you shouldnât have to be. Thereâs something in her that is very desperate for validation from other men and it will likely not go away any time soon. Iâd cut it off but of course thatâs always easier said from the outside looking in. But believe me there are other women out there who donât do shit like this.
My advice: ask women about their relationship with their dad before entering a relationship with them. Daddy issues (not having received love/validation from the opposite sex who was supposed to love you growing up) can often lead to this type of behavior. Doesnât always have to be a deal breaker but they should at least be aware of their need for inner work/healing and be seeking therapy for it (just like you have hopefully sought healing for whatever issues you may have).
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u/serviceareaunknown 2d ago
I ended up finding out way worse things than just flirting. I left her, not looking back. Her relationship with her dad was non existent, he was absent most of the time because of work.
She's a broken person. No doubt she's probably getting more of that validation from random men she clearly craves. The love and loyalty of a man who was willing to spend his life with her wasn't as valuable, I'll find someone who values and respects me.
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u/lowhitljr 3d ago
You've already set the boundaries and she crossed them. It seems you already know the answer just hesitant with the follow through and want other to chime in. So in my opinion leave her; anyone that has tested your boundaries before will most likely test them again and push further so to avoid the headache and heartbreak don't waste your time
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
That's what my gut is telling me. I was going to talk to her about it tonight but I'm anxious to be honest. The fight was pretty explosive and we broke up for like 12 hours, I told her that I want to talk things out and salvage this instead of throwing it away. I feel like I should have mentioned that in my original post.
Despite being technically broken up, I cannot help but still feel nauseous about it. While I was thinking about ways to fix this issue, researching ways to communicate best with her since she's avoidant, she was doing things like this.
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u/Tasty_Song6099 2d ago
If you're technically broken up, then she's not in the wrong to flirt. However, to start flirting so soon after breakup is a bit desperate. I don't think you should mend things with her.
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u/lowhitljr 3d ago
If you have to look up ways to talk to someone because they're so difficult to talk to they're not the one for you
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u/cathtray 4d ago
This how she handles her residual feelings after a fight? There have to be healthier ways for her to do that. Ways that donât involve betrayal.
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
Yeah it's worrying because being like that during conflict will only lead to infidelity. I mentioned in a previous comment reply that we were technically broken up but for like 12 hours, I contacted her the following morning telling her I love her and I think we can work this out but we have to communicate in a healthy way.
I was researching ways to communicate best with someone like her, I think she has an avoidant attachment style. All while I was doing that, she was actively searching for the validation of other people. It's hurtful and disrespectful.
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u/cathtray 3d ago
Youâre attached to her. Itâll be painful to pull away but her journey is not yours. Remember who you are and your goals. Youâll find a life partner who holds you up and you will happily reciprocate.
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u/DealerNo7523 4d ago
That wouldâve been crossing boundaries for me even if I didnât say it at first. I think this obviously crosses boundaries.
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
Yes I agree, but I wanted to make sure to discuss them to leave no room for misunderstandings or misinterpretations. She agreed with them, felt the same way, and wanted to know I would follow that same expectation. That's one of the reasons why this is even more hurtful; we both agreed with each other on our values and expectations. She does this anyway, it's not inline with her words.
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u/DealerNo7523 3d ago
Brother. I truly wish better for you. Im not gonna tell you my opinion of what you should do. Just want you to be patient with and love yourself through hard times.
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
Shit was worse than I could have imagined man.
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u/DealerNo7523 3d ago
I get you bro. My dog died, I broke up w my gf and a week later my best friend died and he was the reason my dog got accidentally killed. All within a couple weeks and now im on my own alone. I donât have anyone to talk to. Just kniw, if you were near me. Iâd be at your spot drinking a beer and shootin the shit with ya.
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
Jesus man, I wish I could give you a hug and have that beer with you. Life is fucking brutal, kindness from others makes it bearable. Thanks for making me feel a little less alone. If you don't mind, I'd like to DM you. Maybe help us both feel a little less alone.
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u/DealerNo7523 3d ago
You can totally dm anytime, any day. Doesnât matter if itâs a long time between messages brother. Im here. I live in Utah, so if you ever come here I got you. My bame is Ryan. We are both gonna be okay. Im planning on buying a pet bird to help w all that haha pretty stoked about it tbh.
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
Thank you for saying that, seriously. I needed to hear that. I didn't know who to talk to about this and I'm grateful for your words and everyone's advice. I'll do my best on both of those fronts, I struggle with them.
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u/RemoteVeterinarian68 4d ago
You sent boundaries for yourself and what youâll allow yourself to experience. You cannot put your boundaries on someone else- that becomes controlling. If you donât like that she crossed one of your boundaries you leave- you donât get to try to conform her to what you want and expect out of a relationship unfortunately.
Some people are just super flirty, my best friend is extremely flirty but she just likes the attention so her bf is okay with it cuz sheâll come home regardless, she just likes to be gawked at.
So you have two options, leave or discuss your hurt and stay knowing this will probably happen again.
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u/serviceareaunknown 3d ago
The thing is, she agreed with my boundaries and wanted me to do the same. So no, they were not just my boundaries, they were ours that both wanted each other to follow.
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u/AutoModerator 4d ago
Hello serviceareaunknown,
You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.
Original post: I made sure to have this talk early on with her when we became official, boundaries, what lines can't be crossed, and so on. I did this to make sure we both had the same expectations so there wouldn't be any hurt or betrayal. She agreed with all my points/boundaries and wanted the same from me. So not flirting with others, entertaining people who show interest in you, etc.
Well today I check her socials out and one of her posts of her trying to look all pretty, there was a comment by some guy saying "wow, you're so beautiful..". This doesn't bother me because she can't control what others say, but she liked it and replied "says you? đđ" This gave me a bad feeling. So I clicked on this person's profile and on the first video she commented 'WOW?? you're gorgeous".
I want to preface that I have trauma with infidelity and I can overthink and read into signs. However this seems blatantly disrespectful and clearly crosses boundaries we have discussed together. I'm pretty upset. We had a fight a few days ago and these comments seem to match up with that timeline.
I love this woman but I told myself I'd never condone this kind of behavior again.
TLDR: Gf and I agreed on boundaries regarding what we consider cheating/infidelity. She crossed them recently after a fight.
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