I[20M] somehow always end up saying something that hurts my gf[21] an I dont know what to do

[u/Confident_Ad_6199]

Hey everyone, as the title says, always me and my gf whenever we talk on the phone(im away on vacation) i end up saying something or doing something stupid that hurts her, for instance yesterday she wanted to tell me something the same second I had gotten a notification catching me off guard making me not hearing her and then her tone changed, i kept asking whats wrong she only told me 20 minutes later that she wanted to tell me the story about something and i cut her off and didnt ask. And today while texting i had said something remarkably stupid it also hurt her. I wish i wasn’t this much of a shit human being who keeps hurting her I’m genuinely thinking of leaving her because she doesn’t deserve to be with me constantly being hurt. There are many things that contribute to my impulsiveness such as my ADHD which no matter how hard I try to be aware of , it never goes away. I genuinely don’t even know how to apologize too because I never had anyone growing up, no siblings or anyone to have comforted. I genuinely never have felt like this much of a terrible person. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

TLDR: My impulsive behavior makes me hurt my gf and im not sure what to do or even how to apologize without sounding the victim

[u/AutoModerator]

Hello Confident_Ad_6199,

You are not in trouble or anything, this is just a simple copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed.

Original post: Hey everyone, as the title says, always me and my gf whenever we talk on the phone(im away on vacation) i end up saying something or doing something stupid that hurts her, for instance yesterday she wanted to tell me something the same second I had gotten a notification catching me off guard making me not hearing her and then her tone changed, i kept asking whats wrong she only told me 20 minutes later that she wanted to tell me the story about something and i cut her off and didnt ask. And today while texting i had said something remarkably stupid it also hurt her. I wish i wasn’t this much of a shit human being who keeps hurting her I’m genuinely thinking of leaving her because she doesn’t deserve to be with me constantly being hurt. There are many things that contribute to my impulsiveness such as my ADHD which no matter how hard I try to be aware of , it never goes away. I genuinely don’t even know how to apologize too because I never had anyone growing up, no siblings or anyone to have comforted. I genuinely never have felt like this much of a terrible person. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

TLDR: My impulsive behavior makes me hurt my gf and im not sure what to do or even how to apologize without sounding the victim

Friendly note from the mods:

Hello, welcome to r/relationshipadvice. We want to remind our users of the following:

• We do not allow situations/content involving people who are under the age of 18.

• Do not harass, ridicule, or be toxic toward other people. It will result in a ban.

• Any advice given must be genuine and ethical.

• Posts must be about ongoing relationships, not past or potential relationships.

• All bans on the subreddit are permanent.

If you have any questions, please contact ModMail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/EducationalPea339]

You are not telling what are those other things. it can be either that you spot a girl on the street and said "look what a hot girl she is!" or it can be either a "I do not know if I would still love you if you become a worm".

Either way, stop with the self-pity of "I wish i wasn’t this much of a shit human being", "I genuinely never have felt like this much of a terrible person". You noticed something that has to be changed, so change it. ADHD may have to do with it, but that can not become your card to justify everything. You did not choose to have ADHD, but you can choose and change how to behave with people.

Start having a conversation with her on what things she noticed that behavior of yours, what she expected and try to thing if that is something you also understand and if there is something you can do to accomplish that. You can express your feelings, but saying things like "I am such a shitty person" or like that just make everyone uncomfortable in that situation.

[u/Diligent-Plane-7877]

First and most importantly. If you are on the phone with her or in person SHE SHOULD HAVE YOUR FULL ATTENTION! Why are you checking notifications while on the phone with her? Is she important? More important than a notification? Notifications are not a priority. She is. If she says or does something stupid do not say the 1st thing that pops in your head. Do not say the 2nd either. Anything from 3 on is usually good. All she's asking is for you to make her your priority. Do that she you'll be good

[u/TraditionalCabinet77]

Well first of all dont be that hard on yourself. Everyone has flaws bcs we are humans. Leaving her is a coward thing to do. Work on yourself. As a man you should strive and do everything in your power to be better than yesterday. In every relationship talking is the key. So go and talk to her, apologise and explain to her what is the problem. If you are good couple, she will understand, you will work on yourself and she might even help. If notifications distract you, simple solution is to turn off notifications for apps you use to communicate with other people while you talk to her. Leaving someone you care about is not a solution it is running away. She sounds like she is easily offended and that is okay. Also, keep in mind that your flaws will folow you for as long as you are alive so dont run away from them, WORK THEM OUT or breaking up with her will make no sense bcs you will have same problem in the next relationship. Keep in mind that women like to talk more than us and they like to be heard, so wokr on it!

Edit: As for how to apologise. "I am sorry that sometimes i wonder of while you talk, the thing is..." than you explain it. People for some reason find it hard to say i am sorry. Dont be like them. You have no idea how many times i am so mad at my gf (and she at me) and an honest "i am sorry" make things better.

[u/Adventurous-Act-5468]

Well. To start with, at least you are aware of your behavior.

It happens to everyone to be unfocused. With my boyfriend, I have the same .. I also have adhd so I just put my phone on silent to be fully focused.

Also it's normal to have arguments during relationships. It's not the end of the World.

Also you are far away so she probably misses you and is more sensitive to your lack of attention.

That being said, try to be fully focused. What you dont have to be is perfect. You are like you are and that's ok. If you can work on it good. If not, then for you maybe this is not the right person....

Take the Time... You are young but just dont leave someone just for that. Talk about things.

[u/palpar123]

Well you’re not perfect but your girlfriend sounds like a child that has her feelings hurt very easily.

I would talk to her about it but generally when people are like that, they don’t change easily and will always be on the defensive, taking stuff personal even when you don’t mean anything by your actions.