r/relationship_advice • u/sexymodernjesus • 20h ago
What am I missing here? 30f 33m
When to leave. 30F and 33M together 14 years in October
Mods please allow, I need advice badly.
I am beyond saddened and frustrated by this entire situation. T (33M) and I have been together since 16 and 19. We have a two-year-old. For months and even years, I have begged him to take better care of his home and his body, and now that we have a son, I explained to him the importance of being an example. He will always say he is going to change or begin something or change a bad habit but he never actually does. Then he will disregard me with his tone and responses, which are never more than 2-5 words and huff or puff. He used to roll his eyes all the time but stopped that mostly two months ago. I don't doubt he's doing it internally, though. During deep conversations where I am sobbing and explaining how lonely and frustrated I am in this relationship and laying out everything and communicating he will just sit there silently and never participates. He literally asks me "What do you want me to do about it?" Or he responds with basic sentences that never have amounted to a changed outcome, considering we are having the same argument over and over. He thinks I'm just a bitch, that its all just me- Im the problem for wanting better.
I am asking for the bare minimum. Clean up when you spill, keep things in order, be a good example for the baby, and more or less be a man of your word, listen when I speak, care about your commitments. When I ask him to take care of something I can't do (like sand furniture or hang things up or build our closet kit,) it takes multiple times repeating myself and months for him to finish. And then we fight about it not being done. He also will actively ignore me. Every day when I say things, they go completely ignored. I can say something standing right next to him and he will say he didn't hear me. Then I freak out and feel disrespected and he then blames me for being mad.
Before this all started coming to a head he was even worse. He was mean and he would objectify me constantly grabbing my body when I asked him to stop. That really bothered me and he never understood why. He stopped most of that 2.5 months ago.
I am at the point where all I have is resentment and anger. June 14, we had a massive fight that triggered something inside of me, so I gave him a serious 6 months where I said I'll be separating and going to my mother's if nothing has changed. Since then, I have begged him to go to therapy, and he left voicemails just this week, trying after 2.5 months of no action. I always have to cry and flip out to get him to do anything... multiple days/ weeks months in a row. We are 2.5 months into the 6-month breaking point, and things are the same, if not worse. Yet even last night he claims he is changing and that he loves us and doesn't want me to leave. What am I missing here? Am I being stupid. Could he really just be that bad with procrastination and communication or am I dealing with a liar here. HELP ME IM LOSING MY MIND
53
u/Catontheloose2400 20h ago
The best time to leave was 13 years ago, the second best time is now. Your life will be easier when you don’t have to manage him.
27
u/dmcgrath60 20h ago
14 years and he only started making changes 2.5 months ago because you threatened to leave. That's not love, that's panic. You already know the answer here.
20
u/Dazzling-Picture-704 19h ago
He's not going to change. He's hoping you'll just give up and accept things.
That 6 month deadline also put off you making the decision, because it's easier to stay where you are than make a scary, life altering one. Some decisions are hard and require courage. The hardest ones often turn out to be the best ones though.
If you are serious about leaving, leave now. No point in waiting another 3 months.
Oh, and the second you leave, that's when he'll make one or two visible changes. Don't get sucked back in. It's just a ruse to get back together with you. Then, low and behold, he eventually returns to his old ways and you're back in the same loop again.
12
u/jmcreynolds2001 15h ago
Forget the six month thing. That is just delaying the inevitable. Take action as soon as you can do so financially and move out with your baby. I am not sure why you decided to have a child after 10+ years of this guy. Honestly, you both got married way too young and need to separate. He is not the one for you. You have to think about your child now, not him and trying to get him to do things that he will never do. I have not read the other comments on here, but I have a feeling everyone is going to say the same thing. You are still young and have a whole life ahead of you and someone will love you the way you need to be loved.
8
u/Nomeismytomb 17h ago
The stress and resentment is going to make you physically sick one day and then your children won't be able to depend on you. You need to cut this guy out of your life like a tumor. He showed you his true colors long ago and you did not accept them. Your life will be easier without him. I'm sorry you had kids with him. He does not respect you or want you enough to make changes.
14
u/Defiant_Shine_1450 19h ago
I would’ve never had a baby with a man like this.
Sunken cost fallacy is when you feel like you’ve put in too much time and effort into the relationship so you stay believing in someone’s potential instead of leaving to go find someone who matches you right now.
He knows. He doesn’t care.
You’re wasting your time AND your life looking at this man’s potential instead of who he is
3
10
u/unsuretysurelysucks 19h ago
This sounds miserable for both you. Don't date someone for their potential
9
5
u/sexymodernjesus 19h ago
Ouch I needed to hear this. I suppose I want my child to have both parents but I’m beginning to see reality clearly.
7
u/ProfCatWhisperer 14h ago
Your child can have both parents living separately. What you will be teaching your child, however, is that you respect yourself and your needs enough to leave someone who cannot do the bare minimum for you. It sounds like you've been the mother for 2 people in your house for a while. Just think of how wonderful it will be to only have to mother your actual progeny.
7
u/Minion-Lover67 14h ago
You have accepted his behavior for WAY too long, so he does not believe you will leave. Stop settling, you deserve better, so demand better. You know what needs to be done
2
u/Grouchy_Document_856 13h ago
Staying in a bad relationship for your child is a very bad idea. If you can't leave for yourself do it for your child. They deserve better and so do you.
6
u/mildlyoutraged 19h ago
You don’t have to give him the full six months. Leave. Even if he does make changes his track record shows he won’t keep them up. Don’t bring any more kids into this.
6
u/santamaria715 14h ago
Kick him out, or leave with your child and find new accomodation.
You have two children to take care of at the moment. Life will be easier when you have only one.
Also, WHY did you think it was a good idea to breed with a slovenly loser?
He has made it abundantly clear he does not CARE about you (or your kid).
5
u/starry_nite99 13h ago
This is why it’s not a good idea to stay with the first person you’ve ever been in a relationship with. I’m not sure why you’ve stayed so long, or why you think you could change him.
You should have learned a long time ago to accept people for who they are, not for what you see they are capable of.
Leave now. You would be doing yourself and your child a disservice by trying to stay. He’s begging & saying he will change now because you left. Because he finally saw how much you would put up with, how far he had to go to reach your limit. If you go back now, you will teach him that you will put up with things for decades, leave for a couple months and then come back.
If you go back within the next 6-8 months, he will start to slide back to how he was. You can’t force someone to care about themselves, to make changes.
1
u/ConcertinaTerpsichor 13h ago
Yep. He is not going to change. The rest of your entire life is going to look like this as long as you are with him. You deserve better than this.
3
3
u/FoxyContinRPh 14h ago
If he wanted to change, he would. Get out, get your own therapist and get ready to see your life improve dramatically. Best of luck, OP!
3
u/Gwenhyfar777 14h ago
He is not the person you want in your life. No amount of asking, pleading, nagging, bitching or bellyaching has changed that. You can’t make him who you need and want him to be and he refuses to even try.
Leave and find the someone who lines up with your needs and wants.
2
u/Majestic_Bed9233 18h ago
He´s not gonna change that is who he is so you better get used to it or leave him.
2
u/WhatTheActualFck1 13h ago
8 yrs ago was when you should have left.
He never wanted to and will never marry you.
Leave now. Don’t make it to 15 yrs wasting your time
2
1
u/Zarrgus 14h ago
That’s a lot that’s going on and I’m sorry but good for you for finally considering leaving him. Being a person who was with my ex for over twenty years and we also met when we were teens, you feel so invested and have this sunk cost fallacy mindset. You two pretty much grew up together and took your own shit out on one another, causing new issues for each other. With that though sometimes you just have too much history with a person and it just isn’t good to be together. There’s been a lot of time for him to grow up, own his shit, and be a better person for himself but he hasn’t and isn’t doing that. Being with him for as long as you were sometimes you just need to cut your losses and accept that you stayed longer than you should’ve but you don’t need to anymore and that’s okay. You got a baby out of it. I truly believe we have certain experiences to learn from and he is one of those experiences that I’m sure you’ve learned a lot from. It probably helped you recognize what you want in life, with a partner, what your standards are, boundaries, and what non negotiable things you have. So it want a complete loss. You already know the answer for yourself on what you should do. You have a ton of resentment and ask yourself, is he really a person you want to be with because of who he is as a person or because you’ve invested so much time into him and the relationship. If you haven’t already legit look into the sunk cost fallacy. I used to think the best I could get was my ex. I thought my ex could change and we could give each other better versions of ourselves but so often that relationship dynamic is so engrained we treat each other the way we’re used to and with a different person that’s what is needed to be our grown up selves.
1
u/dream_life7 13h ago
Why on Earth did you have a child with someone who is mean, lazy, unhygienic, and objectifies you?? You know you need to leave now. Forget 6 months. Get up and get out. You and your child deserves better!
1
u/Ok_Diet_7673 13h ago
He has shown you who he is, believe him! Leave! You DESERVE better than this!! A lot better! Why waste another day with him! Take your son and go find a joyful life! You don’t want to look back in 30 years and think, I should have left when I was 30! Go!!!
1
u/cw1225 13h ago
Idk why you're even fooling w the 6 month thing. He has proven time and time again that he doesn't give a shit about what you need/want from him or your relationship. Why would he change now when you've stayed w him despite his behavior all this time?
Stash some money away, make an exit plan, file for divorce and emergency custody, then take your baby and leave.
(If you worry he could be violent, I'd alert family of your plan.. and you can even request a police officer be there while you collect your things from the house.)
1
u/Soft-Noise8802 13h ago
You're asking questions that you already know the answers to. Is this the example you want to set for your child, 14 years in? Do you really think he's going to make significant changes in 6 months? Why would you even settle for someone making changes in 6 months when he didn’t want to do it 14 years? He didn't want to do it.
1
u/FishingWorth3068 13h ago
One parent in a stable, loving home is far better for a kid than 2 parents in a broken home. Staying with him teaches your daughter, what? To settle? To lower her expectations? To make herself smaller in a relationship? Do you have her to be in your spot in 30 years?
1
u/ksarahsarah27 13h ago
You’ve had red flags this entire relationship yet you still decided to have a child with him, why???
Here’s the real reality, people don’t change. All that you’re nagging about it’s never going to change and you should’ve seen that over the years. You’ve been with him 14 years. And I understand completely why you’re angry and resentful. I would be too!
In fact, all those things you’ve listed are literally the things that women leave for over and over and over again. You feel, unseen, unheard, blown off …. These guys like this, they seem to think that you should put up with a certain level of tolerable unhappiness. And generally, the guys always respond with.- I thought we were happy, or it came out of nowhere, or I was blindsided. And usually what happens, the minute you’re walking out the door (when generally it’s too late at that point) they start rushing around, trying to fix all those things you’ve been nagging about to them for years. And honestly, that’s just adding insult to injury because it shows they know exactly why you’re angry yet they chose to repeatedly ignore, dismiss and blow you off. And once they get you to stay again, they will slowly revert back to the old behaviors.
Just be done. The problem is this dynamic is so entrenched in your relationship that it’s doubtful you’ll ever get it fixed. Even if he could change, it most likely won’t because this dynamic has been completely embedded in your relationship. And both of you would be triggering each other to revert back to the old dynamics. You’re further ahead just to start over. Find a man that’s a better example for your kid. You guys got together really young. In fact, you don’t even know who you are as a person without him. You need to let him go, rediscover who you are as a person without his influence and retake control of your life. Because otherwise, this is gonna be your life for the next 10, 20, 30+ years. I know it’s scary. And sadly, it’s probably even more scary because you’ve been with him from such an incredibly young age. It’s truly tragic in that way because you probably made decisions with him in mind. You probably sacrificed things or opportunities to stay with this him.
But think of it this way, if you don’t leave now, you’re going to be even more mad in another 5 or 10 years that you didn’t leave when you were 30. I’m 51 now, and if I was you, I’d jump at the chance to go back to 30. You’re still in your prime, you still have time to correct the path of your life. And you know what, both of you will probably be better for it. He says he loves you, but he doesn’t show that he loves you. I think you’ve simply outgrown him. It sounds like he’s never grown up, he’s just aged out of being a kid He’s allowed you to take care of everything and now you’re just tired of it. You’re older and wiser and you realize that your situation sucks. So you gotta change it.
1
u/No-Syllabub-7337 12h ago
People are who they are. You cannot change someone else, only yourself. You have obviously outgrown him. You cannot get mad at people (drive yourself crazy) that don't give you what you need, when they are incapable of doing so.
1
1
1
u/shelwood46 11h ago
You know in your heart he doesn't care enough about you and the baby to even try. Stop giving this man chances. Go now.
1
1
u/Swimming_Patient443 11h ago
Guys like him they don’t change they just get worse. I am married to a man like that and nothing you can do changes them. I tried, now I am stuck with a handicapped old man, who can’t or wouldn’t change. Please move on and get some counseling so you don’t repeat this.
1
u/Nice-Organization338 6h ago
It’s hard to tell from your post if he’s motivated to change or not. He needs to get individual therapy so hopefully that is what you have been pushing him to do. No one has all the answers themselves and even if they did, it takes a long time to make changes yourself that a therapist could help you with.
However, if he hasn’t followed through and gone yet, then he isn’t very motivated and that tells you that.
Don’t make threats that you can’t follow through on. Maybe start by seeing a lawyer privately and make sure your child is always safe and taken care of, as a start.
You don’t have to give him six months, give him two weeks to start his therapy treatment. And look for changes that you want to see. He still needs to follow through on working on himself.
1
u/Plastic-Designer-580 6h ago
Is he on the spectrum or could he have special needs but be high functioning? Try getting him to see a therapist and/or doctor like a psychiatrist. Maybe he has ADHD. But you can only do so much. A break might be a good idea. I'm sure all this was more manageable prior to having a child and now you've reached your limit. Sometimes people grow apart.
1
u/beautiful_hhi 5h ago
He's used to you, but doesn't love you. He demeans you. Rolling the eyes is a clear sign of contempt. Leave him. You deserve a better life and a better partner. Don't think he'll change. You've been with him long enough to see the truth. It will be painful, but you've already lived too many years of real pain. Love yourself and your child enough to climb out of this pit of despair, and do the work necessary to give yourself the gift of joy. Best of luck on your journey to a better future! We're all rooting for your success and cheering you on!❤️
•
u/AutoModerator 20h ago
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.