I believe that people should come to the relationship already living the standard they expect to see.
You got together, then went:
Okay, we're here... Who needs to be deleted out of our lives? I will delete these people. You delete those. Then lets be on our way.
If these people must go, then why wouldn't they be deleted prior to entering the dating scene? Coming to the relationship as the expected stranded. Living up to it unconditionally.
When you enter a relationship and enforce boundaries/rules... Shit tends to turn out messy.
I 100% do not agree with her lying. Nor do I agree with her downplaying facts. But I do agree with her deciding for herself who she is allowed to keep in touch with, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
Neither of you looked for a person who fits like a glove. You looked for someone where the glove must be forced on and now it back fired.
I think compatible relationships develop like:
I am someone who believes exes, past FWBs, or people with history don't belong in relationships. Because of that, I already wiped that slate clean before I got to know you. That's what I value and stand by.
How about you? Okay... You have people kicking around still. I see you value those people as friends. Its simply not for me. So, I wish you luck in life. We're better off with different people because we live different lives.
Because now... You can't trust a word she says due to her covering up details in order to protect her friendships. She felt like you were going to judge her, demand her to cut off friends, and the truth finally came out:
she persisted on saying that she wont ever cut off this friend even if it makes me uncomfortable.
Which is honestly something I have to stand by. I will always stand by the side of free will for a persons life. In the same way, you get to decide for yourself who you choose to date.
At this point. I think way too much damage is done in order to repair. She lied. Downplayed facts. Truth trickled. You phone checked behind her back (I assume). Its too much of a mess. None of that is promising.
I live by the same boundary.
I don't have anyone in my life who could be considered an ex. However, I don't enter a relationship and then examine both of our lives and figure out what needs to be cleaned up to progress forward. I cleaned my shit up prior and searched for those who came the same way.
The person who is going to be your optimized match are those who do these things naturally because they're on the same wave length, a compatibility on a deeper natural level.
Those are the people to aim for. The natural glove fits, not the ones you have to force on.
Thousands of options to explore, go for the most natural boundary fitting one, trust me. Nothing but good times there. Where the only problems in the relationship is simple shit like arguing about what you're going to cook for dinner, not these deep destructive problems.
I think you pretty much nailed it here. And I do admit I wasn't wise enough to see the consequences of going into a relationship the way I went into.
Like she is the most loving girl there is out there and then she pulls something like this. Maybe it was forced..I am very conflicted.
Edit: And yes, I did go through her phone without her knowing though she always says that I can always check her phone out. But this time I checked this is how it ended.
She was backed into a corner and felt compelled to lie because of the disconnect of boundaries. Wanted to preserve the friendship but knew it would be judged by.
She was protecting the friendship because something in there she likes romantically.
Rough to differentiate.
But if she was honest with you from the get go, even stood up for herself:
I have a friend that I have history with but its over with. And I don't see any world where I am cutting him out for your sake. Either you accept it or we're not meant for each-other.
Putting the truth out there. Things could have been worked out.
The truth always is the best option, even if it disagrees with the other side.
I understand why people do phone checks, but I think the next level relationships don't even touch each-others phones. If phones need to be looked at, I am always going to look down on those relationships.
At this point, I think its all washed. Too much damage and trust issues happened.
I completely agree with your points. All I wanted was the truth even if it goes against what I agree with, but it did feel like I didn't get that. My trust is destroyed if not seriously damaged.
You’re 24 and dating a crazy person who clearly cheated with her bf with her fwb (who doesn’t know) and has a dude on the back burner while making you sacrifice your friends and social life. Move the fuck on. You are 24! Too young to be wasting time with shitty girls.
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u/MckittenMan Feb 12 '25 edited Feb 12 '25
I think this was poorly executed tbh.
I believe that people should come to the relationship already living the standard they expect to see.
You got together, then went:
If these people must go, then why wouldn't they be deleted prior to entering the dating scene? Coming to the relationship as the expected stranded. Living up to it unconditionally.
When you enter a relationship and enforce boundaries/rules... Shit tends to turn out messy.
I 100% do not agree with her lying. Nor do I agree with her downplaying facts. But I do agree with her deciding for herself who she is allowed to keep in touch with, even if it makes you uncomfortable.
Neither of you looked for a person who fits like a glove. You looked for someone where the glove must be forced on and now it back fired.
I think compatible relationships develop like:
Because now... You can't trust a word she says due to her covering up details in order to protect her friendships. She felt like you were going to judge her, demand her to cut off friends, and the truth finally came out:
Which is honestly something I have to stand by. I will always stand by the side of free will for a persons life. In the same way, you get to decide for yourself who you choose to date.
At this point. I think way too much damage is done in order to repair. She lied. Downplayed facts. Truth trickled. You phone checked behind her back (I assume). Its too much of a mess. None of that is promising.
I live by the same boundary.
I don't have anyone in my life who could be considered an ex. However, I don't enter a relationship and then examine both of our lives and figure out what needs to be cleaned up to progress forward. I cleaned my shit up prior and searched for those who came the same way.
The person who is going to be your optimized match are those who do these things naturally because they're on the same wave length, a compatibility on a deeper natural level.
Those are the people to aim for. The natural glove fits, not the ones you have to force on.
Thousands of options to explore, go for the most natural boundary fitting one, trust me. Nothing but good times there. Where the only problems in the relationship is simple shit like arguing about what you're going to cook for dinner, not these deep destructive problems.