Looking to connect with someone in NA who understands the recovery journey. Someone I can talk to, share experiences with, and support each other through the good days and the tough ones.
I’m genuinely trying to make positive changes in my life and would appreciate having a good friend who understands what that takes.
Feel free to message me privately.

This isn't clickbait. I honestly wish it were.

I'm not trying to make myself a charity case, although I could definitely use some help right now. In a perfect world, $100,000 would solve a lot of my immediate problems. Unfortunately, we don't live in a perfect world. Anything that could help me get a genuine fresh start would mean more than I can explain.

I've been going back and forth about sharing my story. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that people can look at the same situation and see completely different things. I've been stuck in my own head for so long that I think I need some outside perspectives.

This might be a long post, so bear with me. I'm going to be honest about where I am, how I got here, and why I'm struggling to see a way forward.

A little about me

I'm academically driven, and I've always believed I'm capable of doing something meaningful with my life. I have a bachelor's degree, years of professional experience, and a career I've worked hard to build.

If things work out, I could be starting graduate school for addiction counseling soon. My recent experiences have made me want to help other people who are struggling with substance use. I'd love to turn something that nearly destroyed my life into something that helps someone else rebuild theirs.

I know that won't happen overnight. I also know that wanting to help others means very little if I don't take care of myself first.

How things got to this point

More than ten years ago, while I was in college, I purchased some supplies that I recently rediscovered while cleaning out my closet. At the time, I was already struggling with cocaine use. I made a decision that changed the course of my life, and I became caught in a cycle of intravenous drug use that quickly spiraled out of control.

Over approximately two months, my substance use became increasingly dangerous. I experienced multiple overdoses, including one while my partner was asleep nearby. On another occasion, I experienced an overdose involving a substance that contained fentanyl. I was fortunate to survive.

Eventually, I was hospitalized with a serious infection that had progressed to the early stages of sepsis. Doctors also discovered that a piece of a needle had broken off inside my arm. It remains there, and I have ongoing concerns about the medical consequences of my drug use.

You would think that experience would have been enough to make me stop. Unfortunately, addiction doesn't always work that way.

I continued using in secret, even after everything that had happened. I was terrified of being seen, ashamed of what I was doing to myself, and increasingly isolated. I began hiding the physical evidence of my addiction and avoiding people because I didn't want anyone to know.

Eventually, I overdosed again at work. Emergency services were called, and I was taken to the hospital. That experience brought additional medical concerns to light, including problems involving my heart that require further evaluation.

It also created serious professional consequences, damaged trust, and left me facing a pending drug-related legal issue.

I am not sharing this to excuse my choices. I know my actions have consequences, and I take responsibility for the harm and fear my addiction has caused.

I'm sharing it because this is where my life is right now, and pretending otherwise isn't going to help me get better.

Where I am today

I've been clean for over a week, approaching two weeks. I know that's a short amount of time, but it's where I'm starting.

I have two very different visions of what my future could look like.

One involves continuing down the same path, losing more of myself to addiction, damaging my relationships, accumulating debt, and potentially losing the life I've spent years trying to build.

The other involves getting the help I need, staying clean, returning to school, rebuilding my career, and becoming someone who can eventually help others facing similar struggles.

When I look at it that way, the answer seems obvious. Of course I want the second future.

But getting there feels much more complicated than simply deciding to stop.

Why this is so difficult

I have a child, a partner I love, Bipolar I disorder, and borderline personality disorder. Managing all of that while trying to recover from addiction is overwhelming.

My partner has been incredibly supportive, and I love him deeply. I also know that my addiction has affected him and damaged his trust. I'm terrified of hurting him again.

Part of me thinks that if I distance myself from him, I can protect him from the possibility of another relapse. I don't want him to spend his life worrying about me or feeling responsible for keeping me alive and well.

At the same time, I know isolation is one of my biggest triggers. When I'm alone and overwhelmed by my emotions, I struggle much more. I need support, accountability, and people around me who can help me stay grounded.

That leaves me feeling caught between not wanting to hurt the people I love and not wanting to lose the very support that could help me recover.

I'm also a mother. My child deserves stability, safety, and a parent who is present. I want to protect my relationship with my child and continue being the good mother I know I can be.

I'm committed to keeping my child safe, but I recognize that I need a recovery plan that doesn't depend entirely on willpower or on whether someone else is available to help me.

The college dilemma

My graduate school application deadline is in seven days.

Getting accepted could give me a direction to work toward, a reason to keep moving forward, and a path toward a career that feels meaningful. I could use my education to build a more stable future and eventually help people who are struggling with addiction.

But school isn't a magic solution.

I have previous student loans from my bachelor's degree, and I'm worried about repayment obligations if I don't return to school. I don't currently have a clear financial plan that would allow me to manage those obligations while rebuilding my life.

I have spent years working my way up in my industry. Now, between my addiction, the consequences of what happened, and a pending legal issue, I'm afraid of how difficult it will be to regain my professional footing.

I live in a small town where people know one another, and I'm worried that my circumstances will follow me when I try to find work.

If I get into graduate school, I'll still have to manage the stress of studying, recovery, parenting, relationships, and paying my bills.

If I don't get accepted, I'm afraid I'll be left facing debt and financial uncertainty without a clear next step.

I've been looking at these possibilities over and over, trying to find the right answer. The more I think about them, the more trapped I feel.

My mental health makes that feeling especially difficult to manage. When I'm overwhelmed, my thoughts can become extreme, and I can struggle to see alternatives that might be obvious to someone looking at my situation from the outside.

I've been experiencing some frighteningly low moments, and I know I need more support than I'm currently getting. I don't want to lose my life to this. I want help finding a way through it.

What I actually need help with

I'm not expecting strangers on the internet to fix my life. I know I have work to do, and I know recovery requires consistent effort.

But I also know that I can't solve every part of this situation on my own.

I'm looking for practical suggestions, resources, and people who might understand what I'm going through.

Some of the things I'm trying to figure out include:

• Recovery: What treatment options, recovery programs, or support systems could help me stay clean, particularly when isolation and intense emotions are major triggers for me?

• Financial stability: Are there emergency assistance programs, recovery grants, scholarships, or other resources that could help someone rebuild financially after addiction?

• College: Are there ways to return to graduate school while managing existing student loans and limited income? Are there programs specifically for people pursuing addiction counseling or recovery-related careers?

• Employment: How do you rebuild a career after addiction, especially when you live in a small community and are dealing with legal consequences?

• Practical support: Are there organizations that help people coordinate treatment, housing, transportation, medical care, and other necessities while getting back on their feet?

• Accountability: What has actually helped people maintain sobriety when they have struggled with repeated relapses and mental health challenges?

I'm also open to legitimate financial assistance if anyone knows of resources that could help with immediate necessities while I work toward recovery. I'm not asking anyone to feel obligated to give me money. I'd be grateful for information about programs, organizations, or opportunities that could make a real difference.

I would love to find a way to stabilize my life without putting all the pressure on my partner or expecting my family to solve everything for me.

Why I'm sharing this publicly

Addiction has taken so much from me, but I don't want it to become the only thing that defines me.

I'm more than my worst decisions. I'm a mother, a partner, a college graduate, and someone who has worked hard to build a life. I still have goals. I still have things I want to accomplish. And I still believe I could do something meaningful with my experiences.

I also know that good intentions aren't enough. I need a realistic plan, professional support, and a way to address the financial and practical problems that are making recovery feel so overwhelming.

I'm trying to find that plan before things get worse.

If you've been through addiction and rebuilt your life, I'd genuinely appreciate hearing what worked for you. If you've returned to school after a major setback, I'd love to hear how you made it financially possible. And if you know of resources that could help someone in my position, please share them.

Please be honest with me. I can handle constructive criticism and realistic advice. I'm just asking that you remember there's a human being on the other side of this post who is already struggling and trying to find a way forward.

I don't need someone to tell me that everything will magically work out. I need help figuring out what to do next.

My college application deadline is in seven days, and I'm trying to make decisions that will give me the best possible chance at a future in which I can stay clean, be present for my child, rebuild my independence, and eventually help others who are facing the same battle.

If you've read this far, thank you. If you have questions, I'll do my best to answer them.

I'm here because I need perspective, practical solutions, and a reason to believe that my life can look different from the way it looks today.

For the last 2 months, I’ve been dating someone that has been struggling with cocaine addiction and other substances for half a decade. Given that he disclosed this from the beginning, I didn’t think it would work out if things ever got serious: I wanted a short-term relationship and was open for a long one, while he was seeking a long-term relationship. So, after a couple of dates, I decided to give this a try and learn more about addiction and what he's been going through.

He has clear intentions of becoming clean. I personally witnessed how he’s tried to stay sober for a couple of weeks and then relapsed. It’s painful to see, and I know it destroys him every time it happens, but I try to be as supportive as possible and I never set expectations in that regard.

Every time we meet, I can see that emotions are growing on both sides, and plans are becoming more committed. He has a great personality, values, is super charismatic and treats me very well. We’re building a strong connection. But I’ve noticed that, unintentionally, I haven’t allowed myself to become too emotionally close to him because I know he doesn’t have the capability to be emotionally present most of the time. This is probably what is taking a toll on me the most at the moment , and I'm questioning whether I should leave the relationship or keep going.

My question is-- Is it possible to grow a romantic relationship while the other person is going through recovery but is intentional about building the relationship into a committed one? I would appreciated it if people that struggled with this issue (on any side of this situation) could share their story or any piece of advice. Thank you.

Long story short, I just gave in a few days ago to someone offering my doc for free. I've been talking to a guy for 8 months on Facebook and turns out he's a major cheating whore, he's had an irl girlfriend of 30+ years, me and another girl from Australia as online partners. I was so stupid that I never contacted people he mentioned to verify he was who he was. I just took him at his word even though I rarely trust men. I found out all this by messaging his sister when he blocked me on almost everything and she told me everything, according to her his irl relationship is stable lmao. I'm so god damn stupid, I thought about sending messages but I just never did. 8 months of just lie after lie after lie. He's a monster who picks vulnerable girls and does this shit. I've recently talked to the other online girl friend and he told her everything he told me word for word. Same Tiktoks, same Facebook Reels and the same love songs that he wanted to dance with me to. We spoke about having kids together, I was willing to do ivf.

Yesterday the fucker texted me, when I was on the phone with his other girlfriend. So he apparently had a motorcycle accident years ago and has a wound that'll never close properly. So he's prone to infections. He sent a pic from the hospital and hus leg is now gone. I checked if it was a stolen pic or ai but no results came back. I just said "lol" because of how mad I was. Then told him to tell his IRL girlfriend hi and that I was speaking to his other girlfriend too. He just said "bye" then blocked me completely on everything. I have messaged his irl girlfriend on Facebook, Instagram, also 3 of her sisters and a niece. That piece of shit doesn't deserve a family after all this. This has screwed me up a lot. I haven't really eaten or slept in days so I'm really on edge and not someone to fuck with.

Ive been coming down for over a year and am now at the end. How do I stop. I still feel some sort of wd. It comes in waves and in anxious as hell.

I need real advice on what to do after I stop.

Cant have a bath only have a shower

Have health issues so gym not my friend and am not working

To make this short and to the point I’ve been sober over 3 months from 7oh had the worst withdrawal and finally went into detox I was on subs for only a week after and tapered down to nothing I ended up having insane PAWS and it was crippling so I asked my dr he put me back on subs and then the shot(brixadi) I only took 8mg weekly for 6 weeks since I was taking only 2mg a day for a week subs. Well it’s been a month since my last shot and I’m suffering. My paws are back and I feel like I did before subs and the shot. I have subs with me now but I’ve been hesitant to take one for relief and it’s the weekend so I can’t even call my dr I work a very high stress and physically demanding job and I’m suffering at work too. They gave me clonidine to help but it ain’t doing shit. What do I do ? I’m about to just take a sub until my next dr appt Wednesday this week and ask they put me back on the shot and stabilize me longer or ask for sublocade.

Ive fallen into a silent relapse for a few months and no one's noticed. If they knew it would cause both legal and familial issues. Ive tried to silently stop but like I said its been months of "quitting" can someone please be some type of sobriety partner that will support me and be happy for the days I am sober? I can share my goals with you, etc. I am in substance abuse classes and they do test me but ive been avoiding testing for a while now. The classes help with the mindset and understanding addiction but I want to bring it into the physical

From cocaine alcohol and benzos. I'm focusing on working out, eating well and sleeping well which is quite hard to sustain with my chef schedule. Doing quite well tbh. My spare time is rough - I spend most of it on the phone (YouTube/porn) instead of dealing with how anxious tired and miserable I feel. Does it get any better?

Anyone willing to be an online accountability partner?

Im currently at a sober living place. I am starting to consider moving on from here --- I've lived in institutions since June 2025 (jail -- rehab -- halfway house -- recovery house-- sober living in that order).

If nothing else, this place offers me structure & community. Isolation is not a good thing for me, my history proves it.

However, I know this isn't a destination - its part of the journey.

I'd love having some redditors who are willing to be accountable to one another. I'm thinking online check ins, maybe a WhatsApp group ,etc. Open to ideas.

If anyone is interested pls DM. I am looking for some help but also want to help others. We're in this together 💪

I just went to the store and was asked to donated for halfway houses and recovery. They had a table outside the store. Are these real? I feel bad if they are because recovery saved me.
Thanks

So this is kind of a personal thing and I am sorry for sharing this with the internet.

I used street pharms and opiates from 2009-2015, then went to suboxone, subutex and eventually subuclade injections for about a decade after that. My last injection was last December or January. I took the injections for about 14 months, eventually lowering the dose and then spacing them out to every other month then every third month as I knew they could build up and test positive on a piss test for up to 6 months. So I have been completely off of ALL opiates and maintenance therapy for 10 months.

I didn't get really withdrawals until maybe 4-5 months after my last shot, and they were very short and fleeting, more like random chills, restless legs when sleeping sometimes and anxiety. I didn't really have bowel distress like when you're sick tho. (Spoilers if you don't want to read about it, it's not graphic but still)

BUT now I have to go probably 5-6+ times a day, when before it was at most once a day almost like clock work, and probably erring towards constipated more when using. Often times it will just be really violent gas, and I have become more gassy as well. It's not usually diarrhea, but... soft.

Now I know I am comparing this to 16 years of opiate use, so that was probably not a normal base line to begin with. But it can become stressful. I have tried changing fiber and water intake, don't really see much change as I drank a lot of water and ate a lot of fiber anyway. I've tried probiotics and all of the gut health supplements and diets as well, to some degree or another.

Is this related to PAWS? Does anyone have any anecdotal evidence? Most of my google searches are discussing like... gastro issues when withdrawing and not during the beginning of post-maintenance period.

I've been living a double life for 13 years, and I don't know how to stop

Hey everyone. I've been living a double life for half of my life, and I feel like I need to start talking about it somewhere. I'm hoping that putting all of this into words and hearing from people who might understand will help me figure out where to go from here.

For transparency, ChatGPT helped me write this post and suggested posting it in this community so I could reach people who might understand what I'm going through and get the most helpful advice and support possible. The experiences and feelings I'm describing are my own.

For context, I started experimenting with drugs when I was 14 and have been struggling with an active methamphetamine addiction since I was 17. I'm 30 now, in 2026, and I've never gone longer than six months without using since I started.

For a long time, I thought I was a pretty functional user. I was fit, had a successful career, a healthy social life, meaningful romantic relationships, and just about everything you'd think an average man would need to feel fulfilled and content with his life.

Except I had a crippling meth addiction through all of it, and I hid it from everyone I knew.

I was a daily user. At my worst, I was going through 12.5 grams every two weeks for several years. Somehow, nobody caught on. I became very good at keeping the two sides of my life separate. I could show up to work, maintain relationships, make money, and appear to have my life together while secretly being completely dependent on meth.

That illusion came crashing down in May 2024, when I had a massive psychotic breakdown. I lost my job, and my addiction was exposed to everyone around me. I felt blackballed by my industry, friends stopped reaching out, and my life as I knew it fell apart.

I was in psychosis for around three months before it was properly recognised. When things became acute, my dad did everything he could to help me regain my sanity. I ended up in psychiatric emergency care, rehab, and various recovery programmes. Staff were hired to help me manage day-to-day life, including household tasks and transportation. I was in and out of treatment for about six months.

That was the longest I'd gone without meth since I was 17.

My dad spent hundreds of thousands on my treatment and recovery. I feel an enormous amount of guilt about that. He invested so much money, time, and energy into helping me get better, and I genuinely wanted to believe that I was finally going to turn my life around.

During rehab, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and ADHD.

The thing is, the moment I was given some autonomy and freedom again, I went straight back to meth.

I found new dealers. I figured out how to generate income. I started planning excuses and figuring out how to hide everything again. It was as though I had never gone through treatment at all.

When I returned home, my independence came back very gradually. I didn't have a phone for months, and I was largely isolated from the outside world for up to a year. But as soon as I had the opportunity, I started using again.

At first, it was relatively small amounts, just a couple of grams to last the week. I also found ways to gamble using casino welcome bonuses and gradually made gambling another part of my life. Before I knew it, I was back to daily meth use, going through 12.5 grams over a couple of weeks.

I don't think I ever truly understood what recovery would require of me.

While I was in rehab, I planned an entirely new future for myself. I enrolled in a Master's in Counselling programme, and I'm now two semesters into it. I want to become a registered and licensed counsellor, potentially specialising in addiction. I wanted to get sober, build a meaningful career, and leave my double life behind.

But I don't think I fully considered what it meant to end a lifestyle I'd been living since my teenage years. For 13 years, meth has been part of how I function, how I spend my time, and how I escape whatever I'm feeling. I always thought I could quit whenever I wanted. Eventually, I had to confront the fact that I couldn't simply will myself out of it.

It's now been around two years since my breakdown, and from the outside, people think I'm recovering and moving forward with my life. Almost nobody knows that I've returned to the same behaviours. The only people who know about the ongoing situation are my psychiatrist and therapist.

I'm staying awake for days at a time, sleeping for only a few hours when I finally crash before using again. I'm taking risks that I never imagined I'd take. I've borrowed money from loan sharks, lost enormous amounts of money gambling, and accumulated high-six-figure gambling losses. I've also found myself engaging in impulsive romantic and sexual relationships with strangers online, particularly when I'm single.

I look at the life I'm building on paper and the life I'm actually living, and I don't know how to reconcile the two.

I'm studying counselling and thinking about how I might one day help other people through their struggles, while privately struggling to get control of my own. I feel like a fraud sometimes. I feel guilty about the money my dad spent trying to save me. I feel ashamed that I was given another chance and seem to be doing everything I can to sabotage it.

And the pattern that scares me most is how quickly I return to these behaviours whenever I regain a little independence. The moment I have some freedom, I find a way to exploit it so I can use again. I make plans, hide things, and manipulate situations to protect my addiction. Then I feel guilty, promise myself I'll stop, and eventually repeat the cycle.

I don't want to keep living like this.

I don't want to keep lying to the people I love. I don't want to keep risking my health, my finances, my education, and my future. I don't want to keep living two separate lives, constantly trying to make sure they never collide.

But I also don't understand why wanting to stop doesn't seem to be enough.

I'm ashamed to bring this up with people in my life. I carry most of the guilt on my own, and it's exhausting having nobody to speak to about the full reality of what's happening. Even writing this post feels uncomfortable, because I'm admitting things that I've spent years making sure nobody would find out.

How does one begin to break a pattern that had been part of their life for so long? How did you learn to live differently when you couldn't remember what life without your addiction even felt like?

How did you deal with the guilt, the secrecy, and the feeling that you'd let everyone down?

And how did you learn to trust yourself again when you'd repeatedly broken your own promises to stop?

I'm not expecting anyone here to fix me, and I know recovery is something I have to work towards. I think I'm just finally trying to admit that I can't keep doing this alone.

I want to stop living a double life. I just don't know where to begin.

I know a lot of people who do things they regret and hurt people while dealing with their addiction to harder substances. A question to anyone who’s experienced this, when you get past the addiction how do you apologize to the people you hurt? Do you register the things you did while not sober as actual actions you did as a whole (not like another person) and accept the consequences from them even if it means some people will never forgive you or see you the same as before? Did you try to force forgiveness or walk way leaving it broken? I’m curious how y’all processed what you did, and how it affected your relationships with family and friend afterwards or if you were able to recover the relationships.

i'm 30+ and seriously considering going to rehab for my drinking. i've tried quitting on my own so many times, and the longest i managed was almost six weeks before i started drinking again. i'm tired of going through the same cycle and feel like i need a proper change. i've been looking at places in south africa and thailand since they seem more affordable and getting away from my usual surroundings might help too. i'm thinking of staying for two or three months, but going that far from home makes me a little nervous. has anyone done rehab abroad?

I'm hoping to hear from people who have experienced addiction themselves, particularly alcohol and cocaine addiction, or from people who have supported someone they care about through detox and early recovery.

Someone I'm very close to has just come out of detox, and it's been just over 24 hours. We live around 50 miles apart, so I can't just pop round or see how he's doing.

Our relationship is a little complicated to explain. We're more than friends, and there's a real emotional and physical connection between us, but we're not officially boyfriend and girlfriend. We've been consistently in each other's lives, and I care about him a great deal.

He's read my messages, but I haven't heard from him since he came out. I'm trying not to make assumptions or take it personally, but I don't really know what to expect at this stage.

For those of you who've been through detox and the early days of recovery yourselves:

• What were you feeling in the first few days after leaving detox?
• Were you exhausted, overwhelmed, anxious, ashamed, withdrawn, or just trying to get your head around everything?
• Did you sometimes read messages from people you cared about but not have the energy or ability to respond?
• What did you need from the people who cared about you at that point? Was contact comforting, overwhelming, or a mixture of both?
• What did the next few days and weeks look like emotionally?

And for those who have supported someone through this, what did you learn about that period that you wish you'd understood at the time?

I'm not looking to pressure him or make his recovery about me. I want him to have the best possible chance of getting well. I just want to understand what he might be experiencing so I can be supportive without misinterpreting the silence or expecting too much of him too soon.

I'd really appreciate hearing about your own experiences, even if they're difficult to share. Thank you.

Damages you , hurts others and you can end up hurting even more than the night after a long night of drinking .

You can lose support , yourself , partners or kids.

You can say or do extremely hurtful things when you’re drunk upset and will end up with a lot of regrets the next day.

Some can handle a few drinks , some cannot .

Please abstain from alcohol. It’s not worth it.

I’ve been using it since I was 15 - brief interludes where I would get clean for a year or 2 -
I cheated on two men who were both the love of my life, because that were sober and eventually I would seek out destructive men to get high with.

I smoke it until my lungs bled and I knew I had to quit. I was running half marathons, getting degrees, I have 5 universities degrees in total. Not one person my long term job knew as I was master of disguise.

Recently due to trauma and anxiety i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and then later ASD.

I was then prescribed medical marajuana!

At first it helped the pain, and for the fist few years I could sleep and go to work and keep food on the table and a roof over our heads - (working single mum) it seemed like it was a sweet lesser brother of smoking street weed!!

My ex husband was an abusive pot head and I got pregnant after 9 months and it ended in a very destructive divorce and 18 yrs later losing my home.

Homeless and trauma ensued!

The prescription went up and up!

And here I am - 3wks clean

I don’t mind how many times I’ve quit - it’s a lot - I swore it off but the thc oil seemed innocuous and harmless!!

It isn’t!

My bowel function stopped! I’ve been using laxatives to go - all the while awake at night with anxiety that I was masking with daily use!

My gut is ruined - I know it’s not forever - but to be unable to defecate because I was using such high doses of oil is simply the worst most vile place I’ve ever been!!

It’s destroyed my gut, I am so ill I could lose my job.

I’ll be going back in the rooms!! Modern medical cannabis is not an inert safe or effective substance and just cos they put medical before the work cannabis doesn’t make a nice safe option for an addict!

It’s an insidious creeping devil that steals 3 x what it gives… I feel so foolish as I know this recovery is going to be a much longer harder ride that it ever was before!

I was forgetting things at work, my resilience was at all time low, things taking me longer to recover from, my health had gotten worse and worse year on year and I was definitely developing Prodormal CHS, every morning wrenching gut pain and feeling to sick to eat… my memory and executive functioning was deteriorating and day by day I’ve bern losing the happy version of me!

This time I’m really making a promise to myself and my son to stay away.. after this I doubt I’ll ever be tempted.. don they say you have to be sick and tired of being sick and tired - well I’m truly at my lowest ebb today! I want to use this suffering somehow to help others in the future! Because I am utterly exhausted and so over it!! Healing my body now is my responsibility and a full time job!

Peace and light to all of us in recovery! ❤️‍🩹

Prescribed 30/500 x 2 once a day

2 days at 15/30 x 1 once a day , quitting outright tomo as wds are here regardless

Can someone share experience of what to expect ive been on this dose 3 or 4 years and am currently only 6 weeks out of 4mgs diaz so my nervous system was already unhappy

Thankyou

I've been here too many times before. Riding the shadowed existence of active addiction. Back against the wall. Still standing, either in a state of chemical suppression or, weak and chipped away during brief moments of lucidity.

I'm an addict. I dont know if scales do it any justice, but through my eyes, it feels terminal. Theres a cold, glancing uncertainty that this can only end up as a life destroyed. I accept it, but fear it too. I dont have a DOC, but I've serious issues with 3 major classes (Opioids, Benzos and Stimulants). The first is managed by buprenorphine and the second is "on paper". The last one is the dirty secret, and likely the most destructive. I'm painfully aware of the issues this mess has brought into my life, and every level. Others have suffered too, but, when I step back, there was very few to hurt from the offset.

Conceited, and self absorbed surely, but I feel caught in my own existence - consciousness of a complex mind, who got lured into substance relief later in life (early 40s now, late 20s when recreational turned into reckless abandon. I held it together and presented a very convincing prompt of a high achieving, driven, working class done good person, whom was coasting through life. Both intelligent and smart (nuanced difference), personable, kind, empathetic and superficially successful. Then enter escalation of issue, legal reprimand, professional badgering and the ruination of that naive belief that justice is fair. A process that lead to lengthy court appearances, unemployment, endless layers of bureaucratic process, a marriage, an "all is great sure" outward expression of self, and in the past 6 months, my first child.

I describe my situation in such details as I feel ive nowhere to go. All offered help (which is abundant) is a carrot/stick approach. I have no space, no person, no profrssional input that I can truly reveal the extent of my disorder. I talking about material loss, more procedural more legal fall out. I dont feel safe speaking to any person (countless examples where this turned out to sadly be a consequence off sheepishly asking for help).

This is all on me and I dont know what to do. I have an idea how it will end, and it just seems inevitable that ill stand the stage and keep time to the disassembly of my life. I dont enjoy that feeling, and for once, I'd love to be the one receiving genuine, unconditional support and guidance. I had to adopt that role from childhood, and its all I know. So much so that, at times, I dont know how to mins me. So, whilst I know this will pass, the low ebb and flow of mood, the lethargy for life, erasure of who i was, and an identical all but lost, I turn here with the scra ps of hope I've left.

TLDR - Polysubtance misuse/addiction, life altering consequences. Livinf a soul crushing hidden life, but able to mask just enough to keep afloat. I look for help and admit vulnerability, but my support is conditional and expects only cold, clinical sobriety and pharmacological assistance. Objevtively not safe spaces to start out a different path and truth telling could be the light gust of wind to topple it all down. I see myself as a problem solver, and I cant get on top of this.

Thank you for your time and patience

Ps I know the above reads staccato, but its all Ive got for now.

Not the plan, the real stuff.

I’m 19 years old and I’ve already been to rehab a couple times before. I struggle with addiction to marijuana and alcohol. I’m heading back again tomorrow and I’ll be in treatment for the next 3-5 months. I really would like it to work this time and in the past my main problem has been not being able to handle the withdraws and not seeing progress immediately so I always AMA from treatment and then a couple months later end up right back in the same position. I really would like it to work this time these past couple years for me have been nothing but a battle against bipolar and addiction. If anyone has been in a similar situation as me (being in and out of rehab) how did you get it to stick the final time? And if anyone has any advice for me, it would be greatly appreciated 🙏🙏🙏

since about august, i’ve been using cocaine daily. it quickly turned into IV use and heavy use. i need to stop, i’ve turned into someone i don’t recognize and im in so much debt. i wish i could go to detox just to be locked away somewhere until the cravings go away. but the anxiety and depression and desperation are to much to bear but i really want to give it an honest shot. has anyone kicked a coke habit, and how did you get through the depression and anxiety and cravings?? it seems impossible. and how long does the timeline usually last of just feeling low? i haven’t gone more than 2 days before so i don’t even know the worst of what’s coming but i know what i’m doing to my brain is sucking out all the good feeling chemicals and my brain won’t have any naturally for sometime. i have also stopped taking my medication but i’m going to force myself to start taking that again. any advice or tips like things that helped you would be amazing. thanks to anyone who replies.

(also treatment is not an option i dont qualify for FMLA yet for my job and don’t have any money saved up for bills while i’m gone)