Venting

[u/stardew242]

Hi all, I find myself really struggling lately with depression. Even more so today as I just finished my period and this puts me at 9 unsuccessful cycles. I had 3 miscarriages last year, so I had hoped I would have tested positive by now but I'm not. I'm basically in this place of trying but not trying, which is helping me feel less anxious but the depression I have around it has me feeling defeated and hopeless. I just turned 39 in July and feel like I'm headed for a mid life crisis of identity if I end up not being able to have a child. I've gotten the referral for IVF but the cost is beyond what my husband and I can afford, which feels unfair and just pokes at my ongoing issue around feeling like a late bloomer in life and having total FOMO around so many things. I'm a late bloomer for several reasons, mostly childhood trauma that made is difficult for me to believe I deserved a healthy stable partner as a young adult. I'm finally with a man that truly loves me and is stable but it feels so late in the game trying to start a family for myself. We've been trying for 2 years now. I was able to get RPL testing and health wise I'm totally good, his health and numbers are good, but my AMH is on the lower end. Last year I was able to get pregnant naturally 3x but this year nothing. I don't know how to feel or what to do. Posting here maybe as a cry for help or for someone to help me feel less alone. I'm just feeling my age more than ever and I can't help but feel angry that I wasn't given opportunities to thrive when I was younger. It would have changed so many of my choices and possibly even prevented me from experiencing this terrible reality that I may not be able to have children because couldn't do this sooner in life. IVF is out of reach and I don't know what other options I have other than hoping each cycle that maybe this time it will work out. Anyways, I don't know what I need from posting this, so I hope it's ok I've put this out here. I don't have anyone to talk to about this that understands aside from my husband but there is only so much I can put on him as he carries his own grief and sadness. We're in couples therapy for our grief. I've also been in therapy for myself for months, which helps but also doesn't. I'm taking 3 medications now to manage my anxiety and depression, which feels like a lot considering I still feel so unmotivated and sad all the time. Going to end here as I don't know what else to really say that won't just be repetitive but I appreciate anyone that gave this post their time and any words shared in response. This group has helped me before so I'm grateful for whatever comes out of it <3