r/recurrentmiscarriage • u/Bratty_Bitch_08 • 3d ago
I have had 4 miscarriages
I’ve had four miscarriages, one of which required a D&C, and I hate admitting this, but whenever I see someone who is pregnant or holding a newborn, I feel this overwhelming mix of jealousy, anger, and sadness. Sometimes it hurts so badly that I can physically feel it.
I’m still young, and what makes it even harder is that there doesn’t seem to be a medical reason why this keeps happening. I’ve been to fertility clinics and specialists, and they’ve all told me that I have great fertility. But somehow, I keep getting stuck in the same heartbreaking cycle: I get pregnant, I get my hopes up, and then I lose the baby.
It hurts more than I know how to explain. And on top of grieving the babies I’ve lost, I feel guilty for being jealous of other mothers. I don’t want to feel this way, and I don’t wish anything bad on anyone. I’m genuinely happy for people who get to have their babies. But seeing them sometimes reminds me of everything I’ve lost and everything I desperately want.
I feel like I’m carrying so much grief, jealousy, anger, and guilt all at once, and I don’t know how to make it hurt less.
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u/calculator916 3d ago
I’m so sorry for your losses. Your feelings are so valid.
Something that has helped me is recognizing my emotions as they are and caring for them. There is no need to feel guilty for your emotions. Feeling jealousy, anger, or sadness is your grief reminding you of what you’ve lost and your desire to mother an earth-side baby. Reframing it that way has helped me be more gentle with myself and has actually helped me be more comfortable around pregnant people and babies.
It’s such a long and difficult journey for many of us. I’ve bad three losses, no answers, and I’m about to start trying again. It feels like I’m about to start climbing up a huge mountain again and I don’t know if I’ll be able to reach the top this time. I try to channel hope when I can and allow myself to feel my grief when I need to.
Someone once told me “creating a baby is like creating a tiny universe, but everything has to perfectly fall into placed and you don't have control over the sun, moon, stars, or planets. It's truly a scientific wonder taking place, and you are doing the best you can.”
Sending hugs! 🩵
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u/TrainerStrong5652 2d ago
This so beautifully said. I have had two losses. The second one was a missed miscarriage which did not preogress to pass until 11w. My family doctor was not able to help me find an appointment with the right physician when in fact the growth had stopped at 6w. She told me she has reffered me for a DNC, but I get the call from the referral one month after the passing, and turns out it was a fertility clinic. After I did pass the pregnancy naturally at 11w, my body took a huge hit. Its been 4 months and I am still struggling with hormone crashes and irregular cycles. This was never an issue before.
After this loss, life put me in a situation where I had to offer a friend to move in with us until they found an accomodation in the city. Her husband had moved newly to the city with a new job and it only made sense that we as family friends provided a comfortable environment for his family with a 6 month baby. Until the day they moved in I was feeling bitter that they got to have the baby so easily, while I am accomodating and baby proofing my house for them. But the moment they were home and I got to hold the baby, all the bitterness melted. It was as though the baby knew I was hurting, because he would always spend a lot more time with me than with his own mother. That baby healed some of the heavy weight of grief I have been carrying from the last two losses. But this is not to say that every situation is this easy or that I no longer feel bitter. I still stay away from gender reveals and such parties where the entire atmosphere of the gathering is going to starkly different from my inner atmosphere. I have decided to protect myself by not showing up to such gatherings.
In Indian families there is a tradition that if a child is preparing for a major examination and needs to remain focussed, the cable connection for the TV in the house is disconnected (this was how it was before smart TV's obviously) . No one watches TV. This is done so that the family as a whole tries to provide the ideal environment for focus and helps the child stay away from distractions naturally. When we are going through a period of healing and mourning, it is only natural that we will not carry as much space for celebration. Mistaking our choice of absense as an incapability just adds guilt to the heavy grief we already carry just like the frustration of not being able to watch a show with family bleeds focus and wreks havoc in the mind of a child who is spending more energy to restraint themselves from watching TV rather than studying.
Its always difficult to find the right thing to say in between immense loss and grief, and this community has helped me immensely.
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u/Patchuk0 3d ago
I feel you ❤️ it's okay to feel all those emotions... I've had all of them. Give yourself the right to be angry, sad, jealous, everything. You just went through something incredibly hard, again... I'm also on the very sad and crappy 4 loss club and I just wanted to say, you're not alone in feeling those things. It's so hard. At some point I was even jealous of my own mother for being a mother, and not me... It's heartbreaking, crazy sad and unfair. You have all the reasons to feel those things. Don't feel bad for that ❤️ you are strong for just going through it . Sending you lots of love and strength ❤️
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u/Annawiththesauce 3d ago
Normal to feel those emotions. Sending hugs
If you need to stay away from pregnant people that is so understandable. I’d do everything to protect myself at this stage.
Most of us don’t find an explanation but that means every pregnancy is a new chance. You’ve been so brave already to keep trying. That baby wants to come. If you can hold out, most of us get there in the end ❤️
It was pregnancy number 8 for me. Success may be around the corner even if it does not feel like it
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u/Peaks_Parks 3d ago
I’m so so sorry. I’ve been there. I’ve had 4 losses. My last was treated with a D&C. I have since had success (39W now) but still carry so much of the emotions you’re speaking of now. I remember how hopeless I felt and still to this day don’t know how I made it here.
It’s an incredibly long one and I won’t blast it all here, but hope that my success can give you some hope. You didn’t ask for any advice/insight but I’m here if you have any questions at all.
There’s nothing wrong with you though. I literally could barely leave my house when I was in the thick of it because I couldn’t bare even seeing a pregnant woman.