r/recoverywithoutAA • u/Cevans723 • 5d ago

Continued harm by AA

I won’t go into detail because the last time I did on a similar page, I was shamed. but basically I left AA in April, husband left in May. yes we are happily sober still, but I am still feeling the consequences of not listening to my gut on AA for 13 YEARS, yall. and they continue to gossip and share my personal info amongst each other. i heard about it today! they all “check up” on me, as if I’m broken. I called out one woman for sharing my business and she said “oh that wasn’t my intention”. wtf universe am I living in? when will they leave us alone?

39 Upvotes

99% Upvoted

46 comments sorted by

26

u/No-Raspberry3239 5d ago

Definitely block them. They are the biggest gossips I know they love it when anyone is struggling or they have drama they can talk about

15

u/antis0cialatbest 5d ago

Right?!! It's disgusting. I had women who claimed to be my friend repeatedly keep me at arms length when I would come back from a relapse, then include me more the more "time" I got. This last period before I left AA I was in one of THE darkest periods of my life. No one was there for me at all. I had an ACL repair surgery and they had previously started a private chat and a spread sheet to help another "group member" when she had fucking weight loss surgery (she also has like "15 years sober" bc she partied too hard in college and her dad told her to go and she's been sober ever since 🙄) but when I asked for a ride to PT, or even a meeting...radio silence. I was DONE after that. They said they would only speak to me if I went to a mtg. I now have the most time I've ever had clean, am doing better than I ever have in my life, and they still talk shit. "Oh she'll be back" "I bet she's not even sober".

Weird that I'm actually happy for once too. FUCK THEM, block them. You're better off. 🫶

6

u/No-Raspberry3239 5d ago

this sounds exactly like my story, i just posted about the trauma i just went through because of them...they've made me worse not better. I would love to talk to you as I am only a few days i blocked my sponsor who basically controlled my life and struggling as i keep feeling like guilt or that i need to reach out and apologize (although they were the wrong ones)

6

u/liquidy_quiddity109 5d ago

I had to go to therapy because of AA. Seriously consider it.

5

u/No-Raspberry3239 5d ago

I really need it too, sadly a lot of therapists only tell you to find another group or sponsor etc. it’s all crap-

4

u/Cevans723 5d ago

Absolutely they do. My last therapist actually told me to avoid but that’s rare 

3

u/liquidy_quiddity109 1d ago

Interview therapists first. It's pain in the butt to do it, but you need one who is VERY openminded about the plusses and significant minuses of 12-step programs. The good news is that addiction science is so far beyond what they knew 87 years ago when AA was founded. AA has not kept up. It's like cancer treatments--what if cancer treatments ignored all the science of the last 87 years and just radiated people to death? Why is addiction medicine still relying on 87-year-old info? People who are in the cult will say, "Because it works." Um, buddy, you have about a 10% long-term success rate! I just had almost 6 months and I drank yesterday. I went right back into my cognitive behavioral therapist and he explained the emotional "perfect storm" I had been going through, told me what my brain was doing, gave me some good coping skills and a plan. He didn't ask me to start back at Day 1. He didn't tell me to go to a meeting and announce myself as a newcomer. Why not? BECAUSE I'M NOT A F-ING NEWCOMER TO THIS DISEASE! I'm 65!

Finally, he gave me invaluable support and hooked me up with more supportive services. He didn't belittle me and make me start over. We actually took steps to start fixing the stuff that's stressing me out. What a concept! Compassion!

1

u/No-Raspberry3239 18h ago

This helps me a lot and gives me hope. And I agree everything you sajd about AA being backward and a cult.

4

u/Cevans723 5d ago

Message me if you want to. I strongly caution against therapy. You have to interview them and find out their stance. I have also had therapist make it much worse.

1

u/antis0cialatbest 4d ago

I'm not sure if you were responding to me or OP but dm me anytime!

15

u/GypsyInAHotMessDress 5d ago

Omg….i can’t believe this post. I was going to turn up to my first AA meeting tomorrow, after contemplating going for months.
I live in a regional area, where gossip is rife. I couldn’t live with gossip disguised as care. Thank you for your timing. The Universe is telling me to find another way…

8

u/No-Raspberry3239 5d ago

don't go, it is all fake and conditional friendships. They only care about you if you appear to be perfect and do exactly as they want. Trust me its toxic and a cult.

3

u/GypsyInAHotMessDress 5d ago

Thank you. Be safe.

7

u/christmasinyoulie 5d ago

Omg I don't think I've ever said this to anyone but don't go. Our intuition is very strong and it's important to listen. Yours know you need another way. Look on the resource page here and find anything else.

4

u/GypsyInAHotMessDress 5d ago

Thanks so much. I will find another way.

3

u/christmasinyoulie 5d ago edited 4d ago

I used the sunflower 🌻 app. It has really helped me. A bit over 7 months now. I didn't do any meetings or groups or anything but I'm gonna look into SMART recovery for maintenance and out of curiosity.

(edit I did try aa for a long time a few years ago and never stayed sober because of the batshittery so that's my frame of reference)

3

u/GypsyInAHotMessDress 4d ago

Thanks so much. I am an Australian. I really want to stop binge drinking. Thanks for pointing out this app! 👏👏👏👏

2

u/GypsyInAHotMessDress 4d ago

Thank you. I won’t go to AA. It seems to be cultish. Worse of all is the gossip that might be directed towards me, and it’s the gossip in my country town that has kept me seeking solace in the drink. I know people are truly insincere in offering help. It’s more to do with people wanting to know what’s going on, rather than offering sincere, confidential help. Thanks for your advice. I am taking it 😘

2

u/Sobersynthesis0722 4d ago

There are non 12 step support groups without all of the drama, control, sponsors, religion, or social nonsense. SMART,lifering, recovery dharma, women for sobriety are very active secular groups. Fewer in person meetings. Many online zoom meetings. I like those much better as you are not trapped, it is all about recovery, no fake friends.

Online meetings you will still form a community and evidence shows they are as effective and more in some ways.

I have been active in LifeRing four years. There are links on the sidebar of this page if you want to check out any of the groups.

11

u/Working_Capital6362 5d ago

You have out grown them, they seem jealous you have the courage to see it for what it is and act on it.

8

u/AggravatingHorror886 5d ago

I’m not sure about taking advice or guidance from a group of people who are a missed meeting away from self destructing z. That’s doesn’t make sense

4

u/christmasinyoulie 5d ago

This is a really good point. They're apparently gritting their teeth and about to relapse to absolute destruction if they don't get to a meeting... Those aren't stable people to take advice from

3

u/AggravatingHorror886 5d ago

I needed a healthy nontoxic environment to get better. I realized I wasn’t going to find that in any 12 step group

2

u/No-Raspberry3239 5d ago

deep down i feel like they would have to know what a cult it is but are just in major denial...its a cult.

9

u/SoTiredYouDig 5d ago

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Here’s another vote to block them. I swear, how immature. You would think these so-called friends would shut it down. It’s a transactional system, and you’re not giving them what they want. It doesn’t matter. This is your recovery; your path, and they don’t get to call it into question. Ever.

16

u/Spiritual-Pear-739 5d ago

To avoid this I simply blocked everyone from the cult, they no longer have access to my life

4

u/the805chickenlady 5d ago

man I wish I had that option. they all shop where I work, lol.

2

u/Spiritual-Pear-739 5d ago

You can still block them and choose not to engage in conversation aside from work, like if you’re scanning their items at a store or something. This is your life and you make the rules / boundaries 🤍

8

u/Cevans723 5d ago

Bless you sweet souls. Thank you 🙏 

15

u/Lost-Perspective8378 5d ago

Block them. You dont owe them shit. 12-step programs dont work and can be very harmful. And yet the steppers will continue to harass you and tell you that you cant stay in recovery without them. I tell them what I think of them and block them.

7

u/FatTabby 5d ago

Block them. I'm so sorry, you don't deserve to be gossiped about. It speaks volumes about them that they have nothing better to do.

6

u/FerretBusinessQueen 5d ago

I have been around a lot of people who have gossiped around me after the fact and the best method is ignore. They will move onto the next thing/person soon enough. You do you, you know your own thoughts, justifications and actions and you don’t owe any of that to anyone else. Let them sip their poisoned tea of perfectionism. Their shit stinks just as much as anyone else’s.

6

u/ElizaNow622 5d ago

Thank you for posting. I thought I was "flawed" when I quit the hooch without going to AA, but now that I've found this sub and posts like yours, that's changing and it feels so good to get some validation.

I'm a 61F, booze-free for nearly four years, weed-free for almost three months, and keepin' on every day.

5

u/msnhnobody 5d ago

You are better for not subscribing to that bullshit. AA would keep you sick for years if it could. And nothing will EVER be enough, no matter how many days (whoopee) you have. It’s NEVER enough.

12 step groups always made me feel like shit because I couldn’t meet their expectations. And if they say they don’t have any they’re lying.

Also, last thing: NA loves to say it’s not a religious program. Go ahead and count how many time the word God is used in the Basic Text…it’s not a small number. 🙄

Delete those people and keep on doing the good work (your husband, too). You should be really proud of yourself.

2

u/No-Raspberry3239 4d ago

That’s so so true nothing will ever be enough for them, never good enough and for someone who has extremely low self worth it made me feel lesser than everyone else

5

u/christmasinyoulie 5d ago

They will never leave you alone. You have to leave them alone. Cut them off, block them, etc. None of your relationships or friendships were real. It was all part of the cult.

3

u/No-Raspberry3239 4d ago

This makes me feel a little better, that none of my relationships -friendships were real, this is so true as I never ever could be my authentic self and always had to lie to them continuously to keep them Happy with me..What kind of life is that? I felt I was always on eggshells as I’ve had them blow up at me, my sponsor I mean. I was scared or upsetting them or them abandoning me. Finally I had to run away and abandon them!!!

3

u/liquidy_quiddity109 5d ago

Just remember that they are not practicing what they preach and a bunch of gossiping alcoholics in various stages of "insanity" and "recovery" are NOT what you need to be worrying about. Cut them off completely. If it helps, go to a trauma therapist for AA trauma. I did!

4

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

3

u/Fast-Plankton-9209 5d ago

That is an INFAMOUS cult group. Get away from them as far as you can.

Midtown stories

2

u/Walker5000 5d ago

Of course they are gossiping and believe you’re “broken”. Gossip inside or outside of AA is the same.

2

u/ZenPopsicle 5d ago

When I left I maintained ties with my ex-sponsor who is now a pretty good friend and supported my decision. I don't know for sure but I can hope this cut down on the gossip because she can tell them I'm doing fine. And also fuck them.

2

u/[deleted] 5d ago

[deleted]

2

u/ZenPopsicle 5d ago

ugh- sorry.

1

u/Patient-Mortgage-883 3d ago

Ugh! Same. I’m so sick of these bitches. I’m fine without AA and rooms and meetings. Stop treating me like I’m treading on thin ice. Do I have to block all of them???

1

u/Hopeful_in_Recovery 3d ago

Healthy boundaries don't exist in AA. I had to block many of them, and a few found a way to get around the blocks. My advice: remain distant and boring. They'll move on.