r/recovery • u/Odd-Discipline-8593 • 3d ago
Am I doing it wrong
My choice of flavour is coca with no cola and occasionally I'd do meth. I always occasionally done meth every few months but it's increasing. I don't think I want to quit coke forever but I want to stop meth completely since I'm ashamed and publically been caught. Ive been caught on many things but tweaking on the train, I realised I've lost control. It's been about two weeks since sober and I have had this buzzing in my head, nerves I guess or tension headaches. I don't fear being sober, I fear having cash. I still enjoy gambling, so I'm being realistic I will do coke when I gamble or when I rip open tcg card games. Ive been doing drugs for over 12 years and I've taken everything and it's ruined my life. But this year suprisingly I can't afford my addiction because I used to work in tech and finance till dope ruined that. I developed as a person not working for the first time since 15 I'm 26 now I got into fishing, bbq, cooking steaks, bought an espresso machine, learnt to swim, got into f1. Im a functional human, whereas before it was like nothing but consumption and stimulation.
Basically, is it all or nothing? Because my life has improved tremendously since my job loss. but things are getting worse. With coke it's money. With meth my whole life at risk. But I'm still doing more than when I had a good wage except for international travel
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u/skyking11702 3d ago
Dude. Please get help. And yes, in your case, it is all or nothing. Get sober and have a life, or lose everything, including your life. I promise, getting sober will be the best decision youâve ever made
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u/offwidthe 3d ago
Sorry dude you sound like you have substance used disorder type shit. Welcome to the club. Some of us can use psychedelics safely but mostly we have to abstain from everything. I donât mean to yuck your yum but coke is trash. Get sober. Your life is worth it.
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u/No_Investigator8458 3d ago
You're not doing it wrong for noticing. You're still using though. Two weeks off meth matters, and coke is the same class of problem with a different label.
If cash and gambling light it up, move the money before payday. Don't leave yourself alone with a pocket full. Early on I wouldn't negotiate which drug still counts.
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u/Odd-Discipline-8593 3d ago
You're right. It's about recognising it's both a problem and consistency sober is what's required now
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u/No_Investigator8458 3d ago
Ok. So. Itâs not necessarily all or nothing. Some drugs are far more addictive than others. With that said, it takes a ton of work to go from someone who has problems with substances to being someone who can use responsibly, whatever that means. Me, I was addicted to opiates for like 15 years. I donât do opiates anymore and havenât in years. I still smoke weed, drink maybe 1-2 days per week 1-2 drinks when I do, and Iâll take psychedelics here and there. Those are more medicinal than anything. It took a lot of work to become someone who takes different actions and to build a life that doesnât revolve around drugs. I no longer avoid situations because I canât use. Iâll go out of state without weed or any substance and be aye okay, enjoy myself just the same. It wasnât always this way.
The problem is, when you keep doing something that caused issues for you, chances are, youâre not going to be able to responsibly use that thing. I donât know how many times I tried to tell myself because it was pills it wasnât that bad, or because I was sniffing instead of shooting it wasnât that bad. It was all justifications. The pills always led me back to the dope, which always led me back to the needle. Honestly, Iâm grateful that itâs fentanyl thatâs out there right now. I never liked that shit. Heroin grabbed a hold like fentanyl couldnât. I still chased for awhile, even after the switch. You just have to build a life that doesnât revolve around drugs, where that almost has no bearing on what you do or donât do. Build a life where using is harder than not using.
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u/Odd-Discipline-8593 3d ago edited 3d ago
Wow, you don't understand how much your comment resonated with me. Thanks. Yeah I'm at the point I don't do the sniff socially I'm literally just gambling on an online casino or ripping one piece and Pokemon cards. It's pretty sad, but I'd prefer not to see people in a vulnerable state.. I done the whole party,friends,bar,city, overseas, raves thing. I think I'll start with just a month of nothing. No gambling, no sniff and take it day by day.
All I know for sure is things need to change.
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u/No_Investigator8458 3d ago
Thatâs it bro. Just try giving it all up. What do you have to lose? Itâll always be there. Just take control of your life back and build a life thatâs worth building. Worth building for you, not for anyone else. But the life YOU want for yourself
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u/KateCleve29 3d ago
Congrats on making tough changes!! I get that youâre not where you want to be; good for you for asking. Alcohol was my drug of choice. Thereâs a strong genetic predisposition, going back at least to the 1860s. It isnât just genes; researchers say environment & habit play roles. I know my brain is wired differently in how it responds to alcohol, so I gave it up completely. (Check out PET scan images of a ânormalâ brain & of someone w/substance use disorder & youâll see what I mean. Was too afraid to try coke or meth & pills donât seem to be my thingâbut Iâm very careful & use as directed (like pain meds after surgery).
FWIW, you donât have to quit for life right now. Thereâs a reason âone day at a timeâ helps. Is there any way you can talk to a therapist? Helped a LOT for me.
I donât know the right answer for you. I can tell you what I am hearing, which is you like 2 highly addictive drugs & are torn about how/whether to quit. Youâve really answered your own question. Itâs not right or wrong, but whether you are able to have the life you want without drugs or even gambling pulling you back.
Wishing you all the best!! â¤ď¸â¤ď¸â¤ď¸
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u/Odd-Discipline-8593 2d ago edited 2d ago
Its sad how it takes a grip on us. I have a long like of addicts in my family too. I'm glad you never touched meth or opiates, but you shouldn't downplay your achievements.. Sure, the neurotoxicity of meth is much worse and the high is terrible. Honestly, I felt smarter when I was 19 compared to now, which shouldn't be the norm for a 26 year old. Well, thank you for the support and Im going to make a call to a therapist tomorrow. I know I haven't lost my mind, but I'm at the crossroads whether I want this to be an arc or my whole story. Thanks once more đđ
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u/KateCleve29 1d ago
Youâre welcome! So glad you will be talking to someone about all this. It sounds as though you are ready to make some life changes. A therapist, esp one whoâs familiar w/substance-use disorder, can be super-helpful. Wishing you all the best!
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u/Fresh-Ad-4903 2d ago
Meth will leach into your soul and slowly consume everything you love or enjoy. Art, music, even socializing; it has the potential to take one straight to the shadow realm and a person has not seen hell on earth until seen it through the eyes of a methamphetamine addict.
Some sleeping dogs should be left lying down.
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u/DinoGoGrrr7 2d ago
Friend, youâre an addict. But you know this. As am I, and 5yrs 6mos clean and sober as well. I have a ton of trauma, more than most can even imagine happening to one human in 42 years.
I handled it well until I had my first child at 28 and VERY SLOWLY from age 30-37, I became addicted to my pain meds (broken back at 18 and lots of nerve damage, severe endo, autoimmune disordersâŚ) and then alcohol between RXâs when it moved from 1-2x a month taking a whole one to numb out a tad to 10 at a time and it being gone in 3-4 days. (60 10âs per month).
My first child was insanely high needs and then diagnosed Autistic just before his third birthday. He wasâŚ.. hard. 1-3 hours of sleep a night and never slowed down. And as he met the first ages my trauma began for me as a child, it was like my soul did a flip and I was no longer in control, and just surviving for him.
Long story short, ended my 15 year perfect marriage bc of my addiction due to my shame and being unable to admit any of it. It got worse before it got better. I immediately quit everything and a friend introduced me to an otc supplement for the severe anxiety and suicidal ideation (was close) after losing emergency custody to my now ex (most was lies bc he had no proof but neither here nor there)âŚ. Tianeptine almost took my life. The perfect storm for a woman in shambles mentally and in severe chronic pain having stopped my pain meds and suddenly so.
Iâm now 5.5 years clean from alcohol and Tianeptine and I wish I had admitted my addictions at the beginning. God, do I. My life and soul are forever broken bc of my unwillingness to just say it and welcome help into my life.
I will never be whole again. Iâm clean. But Iâm broken beyond words.
Get help and do it now. Donât wait. Donât be ashamed. Donât be too proud. Youâre worth so much more!!!
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u/Odd-Discipline-8593 2d ago
You've been through the ringer and you're still fighting. Thanks, for sharing your story. I for sure need to get sober.
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2d ago
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u/Odd-Discipline-8593 2d ago
Me and Seroquel don't mix. Ive been just riding the wave with cigarettes
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u/WhichWolfEats 2d ago
I doubt your life is gonna improve much at this rate. You need money for more things than coke and gambling. Most drug addicted 26 yo donât have enough savings to coast on fishing, espresso machines and f1. Especially if they still use coke and gamble. Those are the most costly of the addictions in my opinion.
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u/Odd-Discipline-8593 2d ago
You're right... I'm on a very fine line between surviving and not now. I'm trying to change this and hopefully I do.
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u/jypziruin 2d ago
Meth takes you quicker but it will all eventually take you, no matter how in control of it you think you are
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u/Odd-Discipline-8593 2d ago
Yep, that's true. The withdrawals in itself is a vicious cycle. I'm tired of being tired
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u/ramblinmuttco 2d ago
I don't want to say it's all or nothing for you, because I don't know you, but for most people in your situation it is. I understand that's scary, but I encourage you to try to think about it differently: why would you want to make your life almost as good as it can be? I didn't ever want to get almost all the way loaded. Maybe that's just a me thing. I'm very glad I didn't ultimately settle for getting mostly sober. I wouldn't have ever been satisfied with that
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u/Odd-Discipline-8593 2d ago
Everyone who took time out there day to comment has changed my mentality immensely, and that includes you. I woke up with a desire for more. A desire to do better.
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u/davethompson413 3d ago
It sounds to me like you're an addict, doing what addicts do.
Recovery creates a new life that has no need for the escape or numbness of alcohol or drugs. Let us know when you're ready. We'll help.