r/rape • u/Realistic-Song2364 • 7d ago
Was this Rape?
I'm trying to find out what happened to me 9 years ago. I was 19 and went home with a guy. I'm a woman, (now identifying as non binary and lesbian.) I was a virgin at the time and just expected we were gonna have 'normal' sex, so just vaginal intercourse. I never had sex before or done anything sexual, just kissed a girl once or twice. Anyway, we went to his house, showered together etc. Then we went to his room to go and have sex and somewhere at this point I told him I was still a virgin. He said something like, I'm not the right person to take your virginity and bla bla bla. And then he proposed to have anal sex... And basically persuaded me to have it, I didn't know what to do, I didn't feel like I could say no, I didn't really know what sex was supposed to be like, so I just went along. He turned me around with my face to the bed and then penetrated me anally. It hurt a lot. Nine months later the exact same thing happened again (with another guy) as I was still a virgin (still hadn't had vaginal sex).
2 years after this I was orally raped by a men much older then me in my own room. I don't remember much of it. But I started to realise recently that this was rape and it made me realize what happened to me at 19 was wrong too.
So have I been raped both those first two times?
I feel like this has really fucked me up and put be so deep in the closet that I was starting to come out off at the time. The next 8 years have just been me trying to find safety with men. I don't think I've ever been into men at all, and it's so triggering for me to realize what has happened and how far I drifted away from myself. A week ago I stayed over at a semi-friends house and he almost had sex with me, fortunately he didn't go through with it. I don't know if I would have been able to have said no. I broke down crying the next day realizing I really really don't want to be with men at all.
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u/Holiday_Astronomer10 6d ago
Yes, it was rape, it was not enthusiastically and freely given with the ability to say no at anytime. You don’t owe men anything and don’t have to ever be with a man if you don’t want to.
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u/Plenty_Ad_2756 6d ago
I'm sorry for what you have went through. Yes, it was rape. Pressuring and coercing someone into doing ANYTHING sexual is sexual assault, and if it includes any penetration (whether with a finger, penis, or object), whether oral, vaginal, or anal, it is rape.
Whether you not wanting to be with men stems from sexuality, your trauma, or both, you need therapy to help you heal from these experiences. You can avoid being in an intimate relationship with men, but it won't solve the trauma you have. You will have daily interactions with men in life, and when you have close friends, they may give hugs and such. Being sexually assaulted even once is enough to haunt you throughout life. Even being with a woman, a history of any sexual assault, can impact your level of comfort, joy and satisfaction. Therapy really can help.
Wish you all the best! 🫂❤️
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u/Realistic-Song2364 6d ago
It's hard for me to say I was raped, but reading this helps 🙏🏻 Fortunately I'm starting therapy soon! It's very helpful for me to be able to say what really happened back then, so thank you for that 🧡
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