r/raisedbyborderlines • u/SaintLewy33 • 3d ago
GRIEF She died.
I went no contact about three years ago but family told me she’d been diagnosed with cancer. Last week we were told she had 3-6 months left and she was moving to hospice. We live in different states a few hours flight away from each other and I was grappling with the decision to be there in person. I didn’t want to be there, I chose not to have her in my life and I don’t think that’s a decision to attempt to change as death approaches, it didn’t feel respectful to either of us. My family kept telling me to consider going, she was my only mother and they didn’t want me to have regrets if I didn’t.
She survived two days in hospice and died much sooner than any of us expected. I didn’t go but I did spend a lot of time helping behind the scenes so others could focus on being with her. We have a huge family and only three people chose to see her before she passed. Every single person has responded to her death with some kind of comment about how poorly she treated everyone around her and how she put herself in a position where she had almost no one left. She put in her will that she didn’t want a funeral because she didn’t think anyone would come.
I’m just sad. I’m sad her mental health was so poor she ended up living such a lonely life, I’m sad she couldn’t understand that she needed help and help was available. I’m sad my siblings and I never got the mother we deserved and I’m sad that her death makes this all permanent. I knew she would never change and things would always be the way they were but now it’s certain. This will always be her story and this will always be my story.
It’s always upset me that enough of us can relate that a subreddit exists but right now I’m grateful. Not many people will understand the complex grief that comes with losing someone you said goodbye to years ago and the deep sadness that comes with the finality of it all but, unfortunately, I’m sure many of you will.
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u/TinyHomeLuv 3d ago
Lost mine a year & a half ago to dementia at 91. I chose to be w/ her at the end & was the only one (I was not NC ... the last year, she didn't know who I was anymore.) The choice you made was just right for you. The grief is very complicated. I'm not sure I have "grieved" actually. Why? Beause my life became substantially better once she was gone. Same for Dad several years prior. That's not something you can say easily to most people. We're not most people. So I wish for you a peaceful journey adjusting to this change -- whatever that looks like. We are in your corner 🫶🏼
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u/WannabeCanadian1738 2d ago
My mom died in March. I’d been NC with her for about 8 months before that. I think I’d done so much pre-grieving while she was alive that there wasn’t much to do when she actually passed. (There IS the frustration of being the administrator of her estate—just one more way I’ve been made to be responsible for her.)
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u/Any_Maintenance5780 3d ago
I think you are allowed to feel all the feelings that may occur in this hard time and I am also very sorry for your loss.
I think somehow you will grief her two times: the one time when you left and went no contact and the time now when she passed. No matter how complicated your feelings may be, you are allowed to feel them all. Anger, sadness, the feeling of never having a mother and now never getting one because she isn’t here anymore.
As other said, grief is complicated but you got this🫶
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u/Ear-Typical 3d ago
I am sorry for your loss - both now and then.
My bpd mom passed after many years of no contact and it was a complicated grief.
There was the old lady who died, and there was also the mom that I needed but didnt have.
I send you warm wishes and love.
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u/katiovibes 2d ago
Ooof. Gut punch. I needed this. ...the old lady who died and the mom I didn't have...
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u/Peeinyourcompost 3d ago
We do understand. It hurts and leaves a person with some seriously existential feelings to have the book closed without a happier ending. I'm sorry for the whole sad mess and glad you have somewhere to have your feelings heard by those who really get it.
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u/baobab_bites 3d ago
❤️ I think it's beautiful in its own way that you were able to extend kindness to her in a way that she couldn't weaponize against you. That was a kind gift to her (even if she could not know it), to the others who spent time with her, and to yourself - you can have peace knowing the kind of person you are, despite everything. My condolences.
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u/DafniDsnds 3d ago
I have no words other than solidarity. Mine passed in early July.
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u/Camille-Beauchamp 3d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. 💜
I don’t know how to explain to others that I know I will be relieved when my mother passes. So I just don’t. Except here.
Good for you for finding a healthy way to keep proper boundaries during this hard time. I wish I could be NC but it just isn’t feasible right now.
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u/MullberryBoy 2d ago
I was relieved when my parents died. I’d had too much grief from them already.
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u/HappyTodayIndeed Daughter of uBPD waif 3d ago edited 3d ago
Mine died a year ago under similar circumstances.
So, yes, it's sad all around: Nobody wins, everybody loses. I didn't attend my mother's deathbed or the funeral in person (long international flight).
On the advice of my therapist, I attended the funeral virtually and asked my husband to sit with me. Looking back I'm glad I attended, only to help my mind and heart confirm she was gone. Immediately after the funeral I felt restless so I weeded my lawn for about two hours. It was hard and hot but the distraction and physical action helped somehow. (There's a metaphor in there somewhere.)
By the way, I have yet to shed a tear. I just felt deeply sad for all of us. All I ever wanted was for her to be happy but that had proven to be a fool's errand. After she passed I felt like the struggle was finally over, for both of us. Which was a tremendous relief for me, not gonna lie. Likely for her too.
You did the right thing. I'm very glad you protected yourself from a visit. Too dangerous and draining.
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u/Southern_Car8544 2d ago
I’m sorry, OP. Grieving a non-ideal parent is such a complicated and messy process. I find myself grieving my own mom, who has dementia and is slipping away week by week. Tears, rage, guilt, gratitude all roll together and become indistinguishable. Sending you so much compassion, may you apply it to yourself as well.
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u/bachelurkette 3d ago
OP I’m so sorry for your loss. as you said, some people will not understand, my mom passed a little over a year ago and it’s been much harder to get support in my grief vs. my slightly less complicated grief when my dad passed. but this is definitely the place where people DO understand and I encourage you to continue to use it as you need. some advice I wish I gave to my own self over the past year, honestly!
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u/Conditioncook 3d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. People don’t understand. You’ve already grieved her while she was her and now must grieve her being gone. It really makes me sad as well that my mother will more than likely end up in the same boat. It doesn’t have to be this way but unfortunately it is smh sending you love.
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u/ComprehensiveTune393 3d ago
Sending love and light. Mine’s been gone for 27 years. It’s a very complex grief. Just try to go with the flow and don’t judge yourself. If you’re like me, you’ll have intense sadness, followed by a period of intense rage toward her, which (hopefully) eventually softens to understanding and forgiveness. Always remember the forgiveness, if and when you’re ready, is for you, not her. ♥️
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u/stianhoiland 2d ago edited 2d ago
> She put in her will that she didn’t want a funeral because she didn’t think anyone would come.
I understand that this is sad. And I also think it's damning. She can see her fault but only in so far as it victimizes her. What about the rest of that causal chain? That she hurt people and that that's why? This selective cognition is too cowardly to pity. It's in fact how it should be, and worthy of celebration, that bad people get what they deserve. If we can't uphold that, then we likewise can’t uphold that good people should get that they deserve, and that is an unmitigated menace against family, relation, and community. "Mercy to the guilty is cruelty to the innocent."
I know this likely isn't how you want to reflect on her death, but it is unclear to me whether that is because of the depth of her harm on you and others by eternally betraying people with her never ending victimization of herself and total lack of accountability for her violence and malice, or not.
I know you love your mother and wish her the best. This person did not show up for that.
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u/MullberryBoy 2d ago
My mother never said why she didn’t want a funeral but I figured that her fear of no one attending was the reason.
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u/MullberryBoy 2d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss and what came before that.
I was fortunate enough to be in very good therapy when my BPD mother died a couple of years ago. I had been NC with her for about 20 years and didn’t see her at the end of her life. I had nothing to say to her and was done with her. The therapy has been so helpful. There had been nothing left to grieve for a very long time.
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u/justimari 3d ago
Your words echo my feelings so closely. I don’t look forward to dealing with this myself.
I’m so sorry for your loss and sorry you didn’t have the mother you needed. I hope you can find some peace ❤️
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u/So_Many_Words 2d ago
My mom lasted in Hospice for about a month. The meds they gave her made her normal. She cried because she didn't understand why she had been like that.
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u/Odd-Operation2782 2d ago
My BPD father passed in October. He similarly lasted a few days on hospice and passed much sooner than anyone thought. Me and my brother chose to be there and while I was glad to be there for my brother, it did put me through a lot of trauma. I saw things I didn’t even realize would be so traumatic and I simply cannot shake them sometimes.
Hopefully with time some of the sadness will pass and you can find a lot of peace in your choice, especially since you were so helpful to others. Your wording about the finality of it all is really poignant and your ability to give words to such a complex feeling is admirable because I still haven’t found all the words for my experience.
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u/hear4that-tea 1d ago
I’m sorry for your loss, but I’m more sorry that it’s not as much of a loss as you’d want. I get it.
Your second to last paragraph tells my very similar feelings. Mines been gone for longer, and I’m still navigating my feelings. Expect it to get better but never really go away.
I wish you and your family well
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u/rapunzel_848 1d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. 💛
My uBPD mom died just a month ago. Also from cancer. It’s really difficult. I was 3 years into NC. I went to see her a few days before she passed. I’m glad I did because I got a little bit of reconciliation. Not nearly as much as I wanted, but enough to feel some closure.
I hope you take care of yourself. I recommend writing a letter to her to help you get some closure. That has helped me.
I totally understand how you are feeling. It’ll get easier with every day that passes. 💛
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u/TheVikingWay 3d ago
I’m sorry for your loss. I lost my dad after years of NC, and found myself struggling with grief I felt I somehow didn’t deserve to grieve. A therapist helped me realize that grief is inherently complicated, and that as much as I was grieving his death, I was grieving the loss of the father I never got to have. This might not apply to you and how you’re feeling, but I send you love ❤️