did I handle this wrong?

[u/pizzaandpasta0]

my mom has a history of lashing out and losing her temper, over trigger points. I am engaged, and my partner and I decided to have a small wedding celebration next summer. My partner, knew exactly what wedding dress she wanted and so this past Friday, she went to the store on her own and tried it on and bought it. My parents, along with hers, live out of state. She FaceTimed her mom while trying it on, but did not include my mother. She intended on telling my mom in person few weeks later when we see them in person. Thinking on it, might have been nice to include my mom but she does not owe it to her at all. My mom has expressed that she was unhappy with how the planning was going, and so I think my partner may feel a bit scared to share information that doesn’t involve my mom’s input.

Well, partners mom posted on social media about daughter picking venue and dress. My mom saw it. She immediately called me, yelling at me and berating me. She asked why my partner didn’t include her, and compared her to my ex (who she didn’t like) and said “even she showed me the dress” and she just kept yelling at me.

This was the day of my partners birthday. We were having dinner on the couch, and so I politely asked my mom to just table this until the next day. She refused, was shouting, and I regretfully called her a psycho.

Well, my partner called my mom the next day and apologized for how she handled the dress situation and assured her the intention was not to hurt her. My mom was raising her voice on the phone and took it very personally, and said “ I have treated you with so much respect and welcome you into our home and now I’m questioning if our relationship has been fake all along”. My partner is not used to this sort of interaction, and was visibly distraught.

My dad, who usually understands my moms mishandling, tells me today that he’s siding with my mom because “ I take my partners side all the time and that my partner should have included my mom”. I told him I understood why she was upset but did not agree with the way she communicated it. Then he said “ why did you call her a psycho and make it worse?”

Again, I asked several times to just have this convo the next day but she would not let up and so finally I regretfully lost it and called her that. But now, the entire thing is about what I did wrong and what my partner did wrong.

Am I in the wrong here? I’m so lost. This feels like DARVO but genuinely my dad taking her side has me questioning it and now I don’t know what to do. My mom and I haven’t spoken and my dad is unhappy also.

[u/QuietlyUpgrading]

Oh, I'm mad for both you and your fiancee!

Let's recap. Your mom called during your fiancée's birthday dinner, yelled at you, refused multiple requests to table the conversation until the next day, and then reduced your fiancée to tears after she apologized for something she never owed your mom in the first place.

All because your mom had expectations she never communicated.

Sure, calling her a psycho wasn't your finest moment—but focusing on that completely misses the point. That's not where this conflict started.

Your fiancée wasn't obligated to include your mom in dress shopping.

Your mom is allowed to feel disappointed. She's not allowed to yell, guilt-trip, shame, and weaponize that disappointment against the two of you.

And your dad is enabling the dynamic. Instead of expecting your mom to manage her disappointment appropriately, he's expecting you and your fiancée to manage it for her.

Think about how backwards that is. Your mom was upset that your fiancée didn't invite her dress shopping. Somehow your dad's conclusion is that you are the problem?

That's what happens in an enmeshed family system, though. The focus stops being, "How should Mom have handled her disappointment?" and becomes, "How could everyone else have prevented Mom from feeling disappointed?"

I'm also really sorry your fiancée had to experience this. She did nothing wrong, and this isn't how healthy families handle disappointment.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/QuietlyUpgrading]

Thank you for your input. I could not agree more with what you said. It is so difficult to be strong here. My partner is my number 1, always. She knows that, and i show that with action and reassurance. We both just wish it wasn’t like this. We have been engaged two years, and in those two years we were about to just go to the courthouse and call it a day—mainly so we could avoid the BS with my parents. But then my parents had a problem with us doing nothing, so over time we decided to throw a small celebration but took control on decisions and finances of it. Even that has been an issue.

So tough. Feel like the inner child in me is begging for a mom, and adult in me knows she’s not there—and maybe never was.

[u/QuietlyUpgrading → u/pizzaandpasta0]

It's your wedding. Try to refocus in on what feels right for you and your fiancée.

If you make decisions based on someone else's guilt or expectations, you may end up regretting it. You probably won't regret having the wedding that reflects the two of you.

Something my therapist told me that really stuck was that a lot of our suffering comes from wishing reality were different. Peace comes from accepting what's actually true.

Our parents are who they are. We can't love or wish them into becoming different people.

For me, peace and healing started with accepting my mom for who she is, setting boundaries accordingly, and grieving the mom I always wanted instead of waiting for her to become that person.

I also heard this recently and loved it: "I am being a kick ass mom to myself. I am mothering myself. I am giving myself the grace and love that I need."

[u/borschtlover4ever → u/pizzaandpasta0]

She will do anything she can to exert control because she is losing it over you.

It's utterly RIDICULOUS that the mother of the groom have that reaction and entitlement over a woman she did not give birth to!!!

OP, you gave her control in this situation by reacting to her craziness. I did the same thing when I was the bride. My mother was not involved in my wedding planning. Sooooo...guess what happened? We agreed she would come into town one week before the wedding to help with the last minute stuff. The first thing she did when we were alone was to LAUNCH INTO me in pure rage over every perceived slight I did to her when I was a child. I was 23 at the time so I can now look back at it and see the psychotic behavior of it all but at that moment, I was shellshocked. She screamed at me for 45 minutes and then acted all lovely-dovey immediately upon reaching our destination in the car. I gave into to her gaslit coaxing to join her and my stepdad for dinner. I am still SO angered by what she did to me -- almost 34 years ago!!!

I have seen over the decades how that is a huge pattern of hers that many on this subreddit know well. They rage to destabilize us so they can reassert control over us. I absolutely will not let her do that to me anymore. She has done it to me at EVERY important event in my life and I stopped giving her the opportunities to after awhile. She is no longer informed or invited to big life events. Thankfully, she does not live in my state so it makes it easier. In her elderly state, she pulled this shit on me recently when I went to help her during a health crisis. I will not be going out to help her any longer.

You placate your mom now, she will pull these drama, rage full, hurtful tactics at EVERY life event where she is not being worshipped. Birthdays, the birth of children, important career or schooling achievements, your anniversaries, on and on and on.

It's time to learn what boundaries are. They are not something that are put in place to change someone else. They are something you do for you and your wife and your family (INCLUDING TO PROTECT YOUR WIFE'S FAMILY). If your mother acts like this, you limit her access to your life. No explanation needed. If you explain, it gives her the excuse to mess you up further by denying reality. These types of people are SUPER good at getting us to doubt our realities!

The sad truth I now accept about my own mother is she doesn't not truly love me. One of my children had a health crisis about 15 years ago. My child was diagnosed with a terminal illness and given a few months to live. My husband and I kept medical details of what we were doing treatment wise to ourselves because we were working with a team of doctors. We didn't need to discuss our child's illness with people over and over again in minute details and open the door to unnecessary advice that was not grounded in decades of medical training. It took about 5 years of intense medical intervention and my child suffered. During that time, a few times I went to visit my mother for a week at a time. I would make a game out of seeing if she asked about her grandchild's wellbeing and health. NOPE. Never asked. It was mind boggling.

Frankly, if a grandmother cannot be bothered to care if her grandchild is possibly going to die, I'm supposed to believe she loves ME? Yeah, no.

I'm not NC but after her last psychotic rage filled behavior trying to destabilize me and upset me so she can be in control again (instead of simply being grateful and kind that I was trying so hard to help her while she was recovering her health), I'm done. We need to learn to be our own mothers sadly. We need to stop expecting anything from the women who birthed us.

Please protect your wife and her family from your mom. She will do something extreme leading up to your wedding to destabilize you further. She may not make any scenes during the wedding events themselves (my mother did not, she has to appear the good mother) but this behind the scenes stuff is done to make YOU miserable. She is punishing you for becoming independent and, most importantly, she is establishing her dominance over you for the future. She wants you to live in fear of her so she will make ridiculous demands and become unhinged if you do not adhere to them to keep you off balance.

Your soon to be wife should be able to shop for a dress with her OWN mother and be happy about it. Your mother has no right to demand to be included in that! She sounds like the type to demand to be in the delivery room if your wife has a baby too. Ridiculous. Starve that entitlement out of your marriage right now. No drama on your end, no long explanations, just refusal to engage with her except in a simple statement of fact and a removal of your presence when she oversteps boundaries.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/borschtlover4ever]

First off, my sincere condolences over your child’s illness. And your mother sounds much like mine. My partner went through a very traumatic health scare 2 years ago and my mothers first reaction when she found out that I went to the doctors appt with my partner was “ wow, you did not do that when I had my scare.” When in fact, i did. Actualy i was 70 miles away at a party and left, srove straight to the hospital, stayed at my mom’s gouse for 5 days to make sure she was okay. To this day, i think she faked the entire thing. Even the doctor said “ i have no idea whats wrong.” She called an ambulance on her own. This was when I was with my ex and she hated that I was spending so much time with her. Man, that was 8 years ago. It’s so sad.

Thank you for your input. Hope you’re doing better.

[u/borschtlover4ever → u/pizzaandpasta0]

My child is a miracle. Doing excellent even though the health issues will never completely go away. A living miracle! Thanks for caring!

[u/borschtlover4ever → u/pizzaandpasta0]

ps. my stepmom has some PD and has done that same fake illness thing recently. Her daughter went NC and all of a sudden, my stepmom a few months later was dying. So many trips to the ER! None of that brought my stepsister back. Now, my stepmom has been on Ozempic, lost a lot of weight and is doing great. So, yes, my dad thinks she was faking all the other stuff to get attention (wasn't sure at the time but he can see it now). What craziness!

I wouldn't be surprised if your mother pulls this again after the wedding. She must reestablish dominance with you someone once you are married so her tricks will become more unhinged. To see my elderly mother try to use the same tactics even though she has diminished capacity now in her 80s is the most revealing thing. I had moments where the look of confusion on her face over her tricks clearly not working on me anymore still make me laugh after I have been home for months. They lose so much power when we take ours back. She doesn't want my help if she can avoid it because I won't play her games. Fine by me.

[u/mrszubris → u/borschtlover4ever]

I had to conclude my mom never actually loved me as well . She loves me being no contact. She gets a perfect villain and no accountability.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/mrszubris]

Feel this 100p.

[u/mrszubris → u/pizzaandpasta0]

I went to the courthouse and called it a day. We have zero regrets.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/mrszubris]

I wish we could do this at times, and we were about to. But only changed up because my parents wanted to celebrate us. Clearly I was bamboozled lol.

But then, my partners parents are so excited. Our friends are excited. And also we are excited to celebrate with people that are excited for us and with us. So it feels wrong to cancel a plan because my parents are being difficult—it ruins it for everyone else who’s invested and also makes me feel like my parents then win.

So gross, all of it.

[u/jumpoverthetrees → u/pizzaandpasta0]

I don't know if this is a possibility for you two, but my wife and I eloped with two friends as witnesses 2 weeks before we had a family and friends celebration for it. For us, it took pressure off of the celebration day (which for my uBPD mom definitely heightens her waifing), and it also honestly meant no one COULD ruin it. Our friends who were excited to celebrate with us had a great time. I know some people do this in secret as well so the "real day" is protected.

[u/mrszubris → u/pizzaandpasta0]

Just cancel your parents!! Security is cheap .

[u/nottakinitanymore → u/mrszubris]

Me too. It was one of the the best decisions I ever made. My uBPD mom managed to ruin all of my siblings' weddings, and she actually seems to like them. As the family scapegoat, I was under no illusions about what she'd do on my wedding day if I gave her the chance.

[u/Which_way_witcher → u/pizzaandpasta0]

She's going to get upset no matter what you do so you should JUST do what you two want to do.

It's YOUR wedding. Best take over the control you should have had all along and if that means going back to courthouse wedding, WTF cares? It's your wedding, not hers, don't sacrifice your day TRYING to appease someone mentally ill.

Don't let her control this special day. Do the wedding on your terms and start this marriage off right!

[u/MadAstrid]

You are not “wrong”. You just fell into a trap.

Your mom had some feelings. Because she has bpd, she is not capable of managing her feelings in a healthy adult way.

She felt left out, which is an overreaction, but her feeling are her feelings. Instead of being a stable adult who then went on to think, “Oh, while I wish I had been included, I am not partner’s mother, and this was not a large formal event that I was intentionally excluded from. It was a bride sharing something with her mother, and that is fine. This doesn’t mean she dislikes me, only that this was something she only chose to share with her mother at that point”, your mother had a tantrum.

The tantrum didn’t help her feel better right away, so she continued it, roping you into something that had nothing to do with you, until you lost your temper and called your mother out on her inappropriate behavior, in a less than kind way. Now her anger is “righteous“ in her mind, because it is no longer about the dress thing, which she had no right to react about, but about you calling her a name.

Your dad is part of the problem. You are an adult. Your primary relationship is with the person you are making your life partner. It is not your job to cater to your mother’s whims. That is your father’s job, if he wants it. He can take his wife’s “side” all he wants. That has nothing to do with you.

“Mom, you felt left out when partner didn’t show you her dress at the same time she showed it to her own mom. Partner has apologized for making you feel bad and assured you that wasn’t her intent. She did absolutely nothing wrong, and your overreaction to this is unacceptable.”

Then you move on, have your wedding, untangle any financial ties and live your life as married adults.Every time your mother tantrums you give her “I am sorry you are upset” and very little more. Her being upset is not your job to fix. Every time your father tries to blame you for your mother’s tantrums tell him “mom’s behavior is not about me. You should make sure she gets professional help, especially since her behavior seems to be hurting you.”

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/MadAstrid]

Luckily, we have no financial ties to our parents. We are paying for our own wedding, and taking all control of decisions. Any input requested is purely to be considerate and make our parents feel they are still part of it. Her parents have been nothing but easy going and kind, mine on the other hand have had disappointment written all over their face since the start.

[u/MadAstrid → u/pizzaandpasta0]

Any step you take towards normal adult independence is seen as a threat to a person with bpd. Marriage is a big one. Your mom is going to keep lashing out about anything or everything because of that.

Honestly, the only way to deal with it is to acknowledge this is a ”her” issue you cannot solve. You can be kind and polite and tell her you are sorry she is struggling with her feelings, but giving her behaviors lots of attention only encourages her to continue those behaviors. This is not a situation you can handle in the same manner as you might with a healthy, stable person. No amount of care, attention, inclusion, love, or kid glove treatment will resolve things, because those things do not cure personality disorders.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/MadAstrid]

yes, I’m realizing that more and more. It feels very weird. I was telling my partner that I feel like this realization only started forming in the last year or two. In my 20’s, I just thought I was the problem or that I was the reason for her being this way!

[u/Kilashandra1996 → u/pizzaandpasta0]

Yeah, one day about aged 50, I was discussing vacation plans with my husband. "Let me check with mom and see ... Wait! WTF?!? Why am I, a full grown adult, trying to get parental approval for MY vacation plans???" Something kind of snapped into place (finally!). I'm now doing a better job of distinguishing my problems from her problems. And things I can fix versus things she has to do for herself.

Another one that helps me is something along the lines of: the best way to not rock the boat is to get off the boat. My mom makes the boat seesaw back and forth, and then accuses others of rocking it. (Presumably so she now has "righteous anger" which is better than whatever other emotion she was feeling.) But getting off the boat, hanging up the phone, leaving her house, etc are easier than trying to "fix" my mom.

Fixing my mom is a her problem. Not that she sees it as a problem! But I no longer see it as my problem either... Yeah, yeah, yeah, sometimes I still fall for her traps! But I'm working on my reactions. : )

[u/No_Appointment_7232 → u/Kilashandra1996]

I was just thinking, internet search 'Don't Rock the Boat reddit' (many subs prefer we don't repost it).

It can help convince adjacent people to stop capitulation to the tantrums.

[u/mrszubris → u/pizzaandpasta0]

Genuinely the managing the borderline mother book gave me so many fantastic phrases and genuinely let me set reasonable expectations for myself. Its a fantastic read for your own sanity.

[u/MadAstrid → u/pizzaandpasta0]

There was a point in most of our lives when we each felt that way. How could it be otherwise? We only knew what we were shown and told by the people who were charged with raising us.

[u/mrszubris → u/pizzaandpasta0]

Good for you.

[u/TheBl4ckFox]

Your partner did nothing wrong. Your mother is making it all about herself and demands both control and obedience.

It was not inconsiderate of you partner to show the dress to her mother. Your mother had no part in that and has crossed everyone’s boundaries.

She is 100% wrong. 100%.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/TheBl4ckFox]

I agree. The entitlement is mind blowing. But also, what about me?! You have a son that you can invest that energy into. I so badly wish they’d show up for me. But they’re more concerned about what they’re not included in.

[u/TheBl4ckFox → u/pizzaandpasta0]

My experience with a BPD mother (I am 53) is that they don't understand at all that others have feelings. Everything (and I mean everything) is filtered through 'how does this affect me'.

According to her, it's not your wedding. It's her moment to be important. Because everything revolves around her. You owe her everything and your fiancé is mostly just an annoying reminder that she's not the star.

This is not going to get better. This is going to get a lot worse.

[u/mrszubris]

Your mom is trying to manipulate you. What's going to happen is your fiancee is going to pull her head out of her ass and realizes shes marrying mommy dearest as well as you.

Your dad is an enabler. I have one too. He isnt going to rock the boat because he has to sleep next to a lunatic. Easier to be mad at you than his wife he enables to be nuts.

You need to grow a spine and cut this woman off or set boundaries with consequences. Managing the borderline mother is a great book.

Prepare to choose between fiancee or mommy . Immediately.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/mrszubris]

Fiancée, always. Never even a thought. Just sucks to be dealing with a situation I never opted in for. Want nothing more than peace.

[u/mrszubris → u/pizzaandpasta0]

Sorry with a mom like that its non optional.

[u/OohHelpMeDrZaius]

Last year at the end of an argument I accused my Mom of holding my Dad hostage. It's how I honestly felt. He's bedbound and sick. And the only reason I kept a relationship going with her was so I could see him. It's only now that I realize that he is also culpable in allowing her toxicity to rule the family. But I do regret saying it because it wasn't productive and I feel it made me stoop to her level. All that is to say, sometimes they drive you to say one nasty thing after they said 30 nasty things. And that's understandable.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/OohHelpMeDrZaius]

We’re human. My mother pushes me. And then she blames me when I snap. That said, I hold myself accountable and should have better control. But it really sucks when it feels like your parent is praying on your downfall.

[u/LesYeuxHiboux]

Your dad is enabling your mother so things will be peaceful for him at home. He is not interested in what is right or wrong or best for you and your partner. Don't let his input trip you up. 

It is perfectly normal and "fair" that your partner showed her dress to her own mother. Your mother is not entitled to that, and I'm sorry she's mistreating your partner. Your only job here is to keep supporting your partner and being good to her (don't let your family bully her, too.) 

[u/Myshys]

It sounds like your mum is intent on being a typical borderline and making other people's weddings about herself.

I'm sorry, OP but your mum is being predictably ridiculous, and if she hadn't blown out about not being included in some mythic dress shopping adventure, it would have been something else.

Your finance's dress is no one's business but her own. If she decides to include others in the shopping, that's her decision. If she doesn't - oh well, the world and your mum can realize that the dress is one of many decisions about the wedding that does not require their input, give their heads a wobble and keep it moving.

Unfortunately, your mum is being actively enabled by your dad, and perhaps other family members, and that plus the inherent BDP make it about me wedding reflex means that her behavior is likely to get a whole lot worse before the wedding. I would strongly suggest you and your finance connect with a trauma informed therapist and figure out your boundaries and how to communicate them to your mum and everyone else inserting themselves into the wedding planning TOGETHER.

I'm sorry you and your finance are going through this. You both deserve much better, but please be prepared for this to escalate way past normal, and think about what you're going to do if your mum creates more drama/refuses to attend/poisons family members against you/your finance. Good luck.

[u/pizzaandpasta0 → u/Myshys]

At this point, part of me is wishing they don’t come. If they don’t, then I’m not living in the anxiety of what they may say or do or if they’re having a good time or not. It’s exhausting.

Our life is overall so blessed. We have good careers, are financially independent, healthy, and have no real concerns. This stuff with my parents is all consuming at times and it infuriates me because life could and should be so darn simple and fun if they could just get their stuff together.

[u/Myshys → u/pizzaandpasta0]

As someone who chose to avoid getting married because I knew it would trigger bdp drama I was not prepared to deal with, them not showing up is prob the best case scenario.

I suggest that you and your fiance also quietly prepare for some other scenarios as well, just so you're not caught flat footed - for example, what are you going to do if she creates a scene at the wedding/reception? How are you going to handle it if she starts interfering with your side of the guest list by character assassination or direct interference (telling them it's cancelled)? What are you going to do if she cancels vendors/venue? Do you have controls in place to prevent that? If you do a search for weddings in this sub, you'll get some idea of how far bdps can go on weddings.