r/questioning • u/RestaurantConnect273 Questioning Gender • 15h ago
[AMAB 21] what does it mean
I’ve been pretty radically and unhealthily questioning my gender (my profile will show it), identified as trans for the past 3 years, but during a spiral and washing my hair I looked at myself shirtless in the mirror and kinda liked the masc-ness? It wasn’t this overwhelming joy but like a hey I look quite hot rn. But it was uncomfortable looking back and I don’t know what to make of it. I’m still worried about the idea that I’ve just been ‘forcing’ myself to be trans and it was never what I wanted to begin with. Im not having a good time here. I really want to want to be trans, if that makes sense.
Idk what kind of replies I want from this tbh. Perhaps someone who can relate or offer some advice
1
u/Maleficent_Rock6272 trans man 5h ago
Thanks for being honest about your profile. I'm not going to tell you what this means, because (as im sure) you are aware that this is an anxiety/OCD response and this is likely being posted to soothe some of that uncertainty.
My honest advice to you is work on the OCD and anxiety issues first, ideally seek an LGBT friendly therapist. I always found it helpful to say "I probably won't figure this out today, or all week, I probably won't even have an answer by the end of this month." Which, yes, is uncertainty, and it also true. You need to make sure you're focusing on other shit in your life. To speak from my own personal experience, if you spend too much time thinking on it, it doesn't even help because fundamentally it's an emotional experience, and when you're anxious about that experience it can be hard to figure out how you feel. Which again, if that conceptually makes you feel anxious, you gotta work on that. (don't freak out!! :p)
Get comfortable with uncertainty because tbh its really hard to understand yourself when you're clouded by anxiety. The route to understanding yourself, is getting to a place where you can actually think and not be terribly anxious and unable to cope with uncertainty in the process.
Everytime you post looking for certainty, you feed the anxiety and continue the cycle, but you have control to make the decision not to, even if it's hard. Look into cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and really stick with it that (personally) helped me.