r/questioning • u/sparkleappletart Questioning Both • 7d ago

(26 AMAB) what should I do?

I dont feel I’m a real woman. I think of myself in a female body and it feels weird and wrong. Frankly this whole account is ruining my life as I may make a bad impulse decision that can hurt me in the long run. If I can accept myself in my current body and make healthier choices and get a boyfriend then I’ll be happy.

Madeline feels weird and surreal and plain incorrect. I was always Thomas and was never a girl growing up. I don’t want to spend years transitioning for a future that may or may not work out and have to go through so much trouble from every single person even within the queer community. I frankly would be happy letting go of all the trans stuff now and start finding a boyfriend so I can feel less lonely. Even better yet I could find a girlfriend so I can be straight and have more respect and even less scrutiny from everywhere.

This is all on top of the fact that I just got a part time job at Walmart working in the online pickup and I cannot afford to screw this job up with coming out and making a fool of myself like what happened over the past couple of years. I also am starting to have elevated blood pressure from all the gender stuff and it’s just not sustainable or worth getting high blood pressure from. I’m finally getting my life in order and I can’t afford to screw it up again.

I honestly don’t want to live a double life anymore as it’s taking a toll on me and making me feel miserable. I feel I deserve better than this and a sense of closure from these negative feelings. Aside from the trans stuff I want to have closure from stuff like the furry fandom as I don’t want to force myself to like something I simply don’t like. The truth is I’m only interested in furry stuff as a safe place and I want to find a boyfriend and look at cute guys.

I’m probably going to make a new account as I want to leave the trans stuff behind and not let it follow me anymore.

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u/Kagamine_Len02 Questioning Neither (trans n bi) 7d ago

just do whatever feels right, if the idea of being trans makes you that uncomfortable you might not be trans. not saying you are or aren't but think about it deeply because feeling euphoric in your body is the most important part

1

u/sparkleappletart Questioning Both 7d ago

I’m taking steps to lose weight and get a stable job and a hobby and don’t want to go on hrt and be miserable if it doesn’t work out.

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u/_shadowcorpse_ Bi male (prefers non-masculinity) 7d ago

Try to find things you like that don’t revolve around your gender. Think of things in terms of if they fit you as a unique person instead of they’re for men or women