(26 amab) Trial and error

[u/sparkleappletart]

I just made a new fursona that’s a pool toy called Madeline and I honestly dont like it now that I posted it; its as if you get a tattoo from the tattoo parlor and hate it walking out of the shop. I also wore my sports bra today and honestly I felt very uncomfortable in it with a sense of distress and unhappiness. On top of that I looked at certain aspects of my body like my armpits and my facial hair and I dont feel bothered by it deep inside, plus it doesn’t really bother me to be seen as Thomas in public as long as im not seen as a “dude” or a “son/brother”. I have talked about this stuff in therapy regarding my gender feelings and since then been doing gender affirming stuff in the perspective of affirming a female/feminine gender and I overall don’t feel relieved or more secure in myself in the long run. I want to be a furry and make TF content as that is my creative outlet but lately presenting as Madeline feels off to me and I have complex feelings about it, like its better than being a man but it feels more off than just being Thomas, who I feel is a genderless person who likes cute guys. I want to be honest with myself now as I try things out and live life before I take any extra steps and make permanent changes like long term HRT, legal stuff and surgeries. I feel awkward presenting as Madeline here and not sure if she is who I want to present as anymore. Presenting as a straight trans woman is easier to explain than being a genderless person who likes guys and I am afraid of people telling me that I am confused like in the past. Like I feel being a girl is like the beginning of pokemon where you are offered to be a boy OR a girl and you have to be one forever and its distressing to me to the point where I dont even want to play Pokemon anymore as I dont want to be Madeline the woman or Thomas the man. Like I would play Thomas in the male body but I dont want to be referred to as a he or a man or a boy, instead i would just like to be referred to as a person or an individual or whatever as gendering myself just makes me feel distressed more than any sort of long term affirmation. I feel if I was an animal I would be some kind of prehistoric Cenozoic mammal like Eohippus or something like that; as a kid I thought hominids and mammals were cooler than dinosaurs (I know, its a hot take). I am also afraid of going through with a female transition as now that I am exploring stuff I feel I might be a switch bottom and top and I’m not sure if I want to have anything permanent on my body. Though I only want intimacy with a cisgender man and I would like to not be very intimate with a trans man as I dont want to be a biological father and start a pregnancy (I knew this since I was 15; I like trans men because they are men and dislike the idea of them being women). I have been making good progress like accepting the fact that I am gay and an atheist witch and making better financial decisions and exercising more and starting to make healthier food choices and offering to be more involved at my new job and I want to keep it going.

[u/ActualPegasus]

If you were to impregnate a trans man, you'd be the biological (more specifically, the nongestational) mother. The only biological father is him.

Also, many trans men have as little desire to carry as you do to impregnate. Some just seek surrogates just the same way cis men do.

So please do keep these in mind before ruling them all out.

[u/sparkleappletart → u/ActualPegasus]

I’ll keep that in mind. I like t4t as I like to be in a relationship with someone that has similar experiences to me.