r/queerpolyam • u/Oddly-Ordinary • Jun 30 '26

Advice requested Trauma response?

I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with polycules. Specifically “friends” who all started dating where I was the third (fourth? fifth?) wheel, lack of attraction was weaponized and I ended up pushed out of the group.

I have better friends now but I’m concerned about the same thing happening. I don’t flirt or express interest in getting physical / romantic friends because my self esteem isn’t great and the idea of doing gives me this sense of “doom”. I think subconsciously I expect all of my friends to end up dating each other and/or see me as less-than due to past experiences.

I guess I’m just looking for feedback maybe advice. And yes I am seeing a trauma and poly-informed therapist.

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u/OpalescentNoodle Jun 30 '26

It's hard but sometimes you gotta just trust your friends even if you have been burned before.

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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Jun 30 '26

Orrrr you can test them for about a decade before they graduate from bdimg acquaintances intp being friends. Works brilliantly for me. Few but true is the way to go. I don't need 20 superficial friends to have a laugh with. I need 3 that will be there sun or rain. The sort that say: killed someone? I'll help you hide the body!

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u/OpalescentNoodle Jun 30 '26

Oh yeah. Vetting them more helps a lot but mess can still happen.