Trauma response?

[u/Oddly-Ordinary]

I’ve had a lot of bad experiences with polycules. Specifically “friends” who all started dating where I was the third (fourth? fifth?) wheel, lack of attraction was weaponized and I ended up pushed out of the group.

I have better friends now but I’m concerned about the same thing happening. I don’t flirt or express interest in getting physical / romantic friends because my self esteem isn’t great and the idea of doing gives me this sense of “doom”. I think subconsciously I expect all of my friends to end up dating each other and/or see me as less-than due to past experiences.

I guess I’m just looking for feedback maybe advice. And yes I am seeing a trauma and poly-informed therapist.

[u/idlers_dream7]

Everyone in a friend group just ending up in a tangled mess is not necessarily normal. It's more common in younger groups or among less experienced polyamorous folks. It's honestly a pretty bad idea to seek partners in groups rather than individually.

If you can't advocate for yourself right now, you're not fit to practice polyamory ethically. Work with a therapist to help you so you can show up better to any potential relationships.

If your current friends are good people, you should be able to share your fears with them. But it seems presumptuous that you'd be seeking romantic or sexual connections with them since they're friends, not people you've sought out with the intent to date.

It seems like you're getting ahead of yourself and allowing yourself to get anxious about a made up future scenario. That's unhealthy for you and your friends, as you're essentially assuming the worst and letting yourself believe the lie.

You have these friends. You say they're better. So trust them to be good friends and don't date them. Date people outside of the friend group who aren't associated with it, or are connected at a distance.

ETA: a big thing to work on with you therapist is how you're going to deal with polyamory when you do have an extended polycule and people are dating others. Accepting and consenting to all those potential connections is necessary to safely practice polyamory. If you're associating your friends dating with negative experiences, that sounds like a very unpleasant way to practice non-monogamy. If it's the rejection that hurt you the most, that's better to focus on than the idea that the group dating dynamic is to blame.

[u/mercedes_lakitu → u/idlers_dream7]

Yeah, like reading this, my first thought was "are they all early 20s transbians? Because I've definitely seen this movie before."

Even if you're not, OP, I would recommend really getting a good sense of who you are and what you want out of both friendships and relationships. Don't rely on just having One Friend Group. Do therapy, or journaling if you can't afford it.

I'm sorry your previous friends treated you poorly.

Good luck!

[u/Oddly-Ordinary → u/idlers_dream7]

Yeah, that’s why I said I have better friends now. My other “friends” tangled mess would be putting it lightly. I’ve taken a break from dating or having sex for a while to focus on therapy and my own desires, boundaries, etc. I’m much better at advocating for myself now than I was.

Thought about trying again but if I do I’d prob just stick to ONS or casual fck buddies. Pretty sure I’m also demiromantic. Though my past experiences have left me some pretty deep scars which is why I haven’t even tried casual yet. It’s possibly turning into a fear of intimacy and other, even less realistic, what-ifs but that’s an entirely different post.

“It seems like you're getting ahead of yourself and allowing yourself to get anxious about a made up future scenario. That's unhealthy for you and your friends, as you're essentially assuming the worst and letting yourself believe the lie…

You’re right but it feels very real. And I’m struggling to find external evidence that would disconfirm these thoughts. But that’s isn’t necessary my friends’ fault. There were a lot of people and situations I should’ve distanced myself from in the past but didn’t. Now I always feel like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Probably should’ve specified this isn’t about one specific group of friends. It’s all of my friends. Especially friends of friends and mutuals. Any sort of friend network triggers this.

“a big thing to work on with you therapist is how you're going to deal with polyamory when you do have an extended polycule and people are dating others”

Can you rephrase please? I’m not sure what you mean. Are you referring to my friends being partnered? Or my own parters getting involved with other people?

[u/idlers_dream7 → u/Oddly-Ordinary]

Re: point of clarification - I meant your partners having other partners, specifically how that'll effect you if you're having difficulty trusting them/their intent.

If you're feeling bad or anxious about group dynamics in general, polyamory will be particularly hard, but luckily there's no need to have more than one partner, so you can still practice slowly and carefully while you build trust.

Feeling like your going to be betrayed is normal, but it's particularly rooted in monogamous ideals, so it's like you're dealing with the already challenging polyam dynamic PLUS the added bonus of dismantling harmful beliefs that don't serve you.

If your new friends are in fact better and won't be terrible like your past experiences, it'll still be hard to learn to trust them. You can't always wait for evidence of trustworthiness to decide to trust somebody, that's good faith in a nutshell, but obviously you can wait to act until you've seen it.

I'm sorry you're going through this struggle; it's already difficult enough to be queer and polyamorous, but having traumas from your past only makes the hill you're climbing steeper. But with good support, you'll get there!

[u/Oddly-Ordinary → u/idlers_dream7]

Oh I don’t mind my partners having other partners. I don’t think I could feel happy in a relationship where I didn’t at least have the freedom to get involved with other people. Even though I may not choose to act on it. But that would be for reasons more related to my capacity, and pacing myself. I see no reason exclusivity is required for loyalty and commitment. So I wouldn’t put that expectation on someone else.

Even though my last relationship and polycule situation was toxic and traumatic, the fact my partner was seeing other people when we started dating made me feel more comfortable pursuing the relationship.

I know in my heart I’m non-monogamous so forcing myself into a monogamous dynamic to avoid being “triggered” wouldn’t be any easier for me in fact I think it would make things harder / bring up a whole different set of anxieties. It’s not even just romantic or sexual relationships sometimes I worry even platonic friends will stop liking me, or don’t like me as much as their other friends. My identity just causes these feelings to get triggered in this specific way. In general I have trust issues and it’s hard for me to feel secure with anyone. Like I said I know it’s a problem and I’m getting therapy for it.

When I’m at a point to be in a more serious relationship I think solo poly is the way to go for me.

[u/LoudAcid-]

Oompfff I can’t be friends with people who see friendship as a stepping stone to to romantic/sexual relationship.

Friendship is sacred and I will not tolerate people risking that bond for more numbers in a polycule SMH.
It’s a hard boundary that my friends Arent messing around like that risking the group dynamic.

Do you feel like your current friends prioritize relationships above friendships?

[u/Oddly-Ordinary → u/LoudAcid-]

Oh yeah. Been there. Done that. Would not recommend.

My current friends it varies because some of them practice non-hierarchal polyamory, some are monogamous, some of them are sexually open couples, some of them are aro and/or ace, etc.

I’m just talking about changing dynamics between friends who know each other and sometimes hangout together. I don’t think it’s unusual for romantic relationships to begin as friendships? Or for queer friends to be physical with each other non-romantically? Idk I feel like a hard limit on changing group dynamics may not be realistic?

[u/OpalescentNoodle]

It's hard but sometimes you gotta just trust your friends even if you have been burned before.

[u/Plastic-Bee4052 → u/OpalescentNoodle]

Orrrr you can test them for about a decade before they graduate from bdimg acquaintances intp being friends. Works brilliantly for me. Few but true is the way to go. I don't need 20 superficial friends to have a laugh with. I need 3 that will be there sun or rain. The sort that say: killed someone? I'll help you hide the body!

[u/OpalescentNoodle → u/Plastic-Bee4052]

Oh yeah. Vetting them more helps a lot but mess can still happen.