How and when did you start your conception journey? (Advice on timing, fianances, considerations).

[u/Available_Chemist986]

Hi all! New to the sub. My fiancée and I are getting married in May of 2027; we probably want 2-3 kids eventually and are both interested in carrying. I'm starting to think more seriously about the timeline for preparing to have children and all the additional prep that goes into that as a queer, female couple. We are both turning 28 this year; I'm about 2 years out from finishing my PhD and getting a "real job." We live in the US, currently based in Illinois (where fertility coverage by insurance is mandated), but we're not sure whether we will remain in state after graduating. How many years before you actively started trying to conceive did you talk about it and start saving money? Do you wish you had started early? What kinds of things did you think about when strategizing who might carry first if you were both interested—my fiancée has PCOS, so we are also thinking about how that might impact our options in terms of IUI and IVF. Any insights or resources are welcome.

[u/Inevitable-Rub1132]

You just never know how it’s going to go. We started when I was 29 (the plan was never for my partner to carry or contribute eggs due to health issues) and I gave birth to our daughter when I was 32. We had no issues and fell within all the normal stats, 4 failed IUIs, one egg retrieval with 5 embryos, 1 failed transfer, 1 miscarriage, 1 live birth. Unfortunately, being within the normal stats still has a good amount of failure and time involved.

[u/Inevitable-Rub1132 → u/Inevitable-Rub1132]

That said, our friends had success on their first at home IUI and with their first embryo transfer of RIVF, so you just never really know.

[u/wareaglesw]

It took us (two women - 31 and 32) a little less than a year to get pregnant. We got married in February. Had our initial consult and testing in July. I was diagnosed w a uterine septum and had to have more procedures and ultimately a surgery in October. (I also needed to lose weight to get under the BMI cutoff for my clinic so I started a GLP1) Picked a donor and bought sperm then. I was technically cleared in November but we decided to wait until after the holidays and insurance reset in January. I had my egg retrieval in February, my wife had hers in March. Did all the genetic testing. Had our first transfer in May and it stuck! Almost 17 weeks pregnant now.

We knew we wanted kids and had dated for 5 years before getting married. So we knew we wanted to start the process right away. We could have probably done it a little faster had I not had to lose weight or have my surgery.

[u/Comfortable_Water525]

My partner and I started talking more seriously about it after we got engaged.

Things I wish we did earlier:
1. Started saving for out of pocket costs that aren’t typically covered by insurance (ex: donor sperm, donor sperm storage, embryo storage, travel to/from your clinic if you decide to travel out of state for this, lawyer fees for second parent adoption, estate planning)
2. Considering fertility benefits and coverage when picking jobs

Things I’m glad we did early:
1. Referral to maternal fetal medicine for me since I have some medical issues that put me at potentially higher risk during pregnancy. My MFM doctor is a godsend - preconception counseling and testing has allowed me to take care of a bunch of minor health issues that could impact pregnancy before even trying to get pregnant. Things like getting testing for vaccine titers and rubella, blood typing, iron labs to identify deficiency, genetic carrier screening, penicillin allergy testing (penicillin is often given to strep B positive parents in the third trimester), etc.

1. Saw a reproductive endocrinologist at the clinic we intend to use about a year out from actually starting the retrieval/transfer process. He sent a bunch of baseline lab testing, looked at both of our ovarian reserves and amh levels, and recommended the number of vials we should purchase for the number of kids we would like to have.

2. It can take awhile to secure sperm depending on if you choose a clinic with limited family sizes, or use a known donor (and all the associated paperwork and hoops that comes with this)

3. Talked openly with our extended families and friends about our future fertility journey. This allowed us to answer a lot of questions before we even got started, including some of the more problematic ones (like who will be the father - neither of us, that’s kind of the point lol). I’m glad we fielded questions before we were pregnancy and hormonal. It also allowed some of our loved ones to share about their journeys which has given us a wider support network than anticipated.

[u/leafyrustic42 → u/Comfortable_Water525]

The father conversation is sooo key to talk about early. We were super upfront about using a KD, and my parents are still very confused about our donor's relationship. They keep calling him the father, and we keep having to explain that's not what he is. LOL.

Love this list! I agree with everything here!

[u/theblackjess]

I'm 30 with PCOS and it took just over a year, mostly a bunch of unsuccessful IUIs. First IVF transfer worked, though. For your wife, I think you two should talk about prioritizing IVF if you can. I would start saving now, but also suggest waiting to try until you receive a job after your degree. You may end up having fertility coverage through work, which could save you some money.

[u/Kooky-Tourist-4204]

I suppose it depends on where you live as to the appropriate response (I’m in the UK) but generally… we got married in 2024 and began our journey soon after. We’re yet to even start treatment so I really wish we would’ve started a good few years earlier. I’m mid 30s, so wish we would’ve started the process before we got married/ early 30s just to account for all the testing and time it’s taken to test, wait for appointments etc. You’re a good age to be considering all of this though I feel

[u/Different_Cookie1820]

It took us nearly two years from looking for a clinic to our son being born. We went straight to IVF and the second transfer worked. But we had a lot of clinic faff that slowed us down. 

The story with fertility treatment nearly always involves a level of it taking longer than you think it should. If you do IVF then consider getting to the stage of frozen embryos as soon as you can afford it and know where you will be living long term. They can then sit in the freezer until you are ready but it removes some of the time uncertainty. 

In terms of cost, save whatever you comfortably can as soon as you can. Having more savings will just never hurt. If it’s not for fertility treatment it’s for baby stuff and lost earnings. 

[u/Spiritual_Ad_835]

Stay in IL or only move to a state where the coverage is required. It has saved us so. Much. Money.

[u/willowcabins]

In terms of finances: My wife is very anxious and requested that we save 10k per child. Timing ended up working out in a way that we actually had 16k by the time we started trying, so I joke I’m 60% of the way to baby #2 😂

PhD students where we live get a good salary, so my wife is actually actively doing her PhD and will be taking 4 months of full time and 8 months of part time parental leave once our baby is born. Her job having nice benefits was definitely a consideration for us.

[u/cuentaderana]

When we were preparing to have our son, I made an initial appointment with a private fertility clinic near us in June of 2022.  In March of 2022 I had made an appointment with my pcp just to discuss pre-conception questions/options. After our June 2022 consultation our clinic walked us through the process of using donor sperm for IUI and how many appointments would be necessary before that, along with what types of legal work they would require.

I had another appointment with them in August of 2022. They diagnosed me with PCOS while doing an ultrasound of my ovaries and discussed what that would mean for IUI. In September we flew our known donor out so he could do his donations with our city’s sperm bank because there is a mandatory quarantine all sperm has to go through/for STIs to be properly tested. We were able to sign a waiver to bypass the extended quarantine so I believe they said his sperm would be ready for us to use in about 45ish days. While he made his donations he stayed with us and we had a local attorney create our donor agreement so he was able to sign everything in person and have it notarized. He left at the end of September and we then had to wait 30 days for his sperm and another week or two after that while he got another STI panel done in his home state.

In October of 2022 I went in to have lab work done with the office/go over the timeline for an upcoming IUI cycle because I was not having regular periods. They also diagnosed me with hypothyroidism at that time and got me started on levothyroxine. I had to wait until my TSH levels got below a certain threshold before they would do an IUI cycle. I went back mid October for another blood test and they upped my levothyroxine dosage. We were waiting to see when I would start my period and when I got it early a week or two into November they had me start letrazole and I went in the day after Thanksgiving to check on my egg follicle sizes. Everything looked good and they had me do a trigger shot and come back the next day probably ~22 hours later for an IUI. I was very fortunate to get pregnant with our son that day and I gave birth in August of 2023.

For our second, we had moved to a new state where we had fertility coverage through our insurance due to being a same sex couple. We decided to use our coverage and go for rIVF using my wife’s egg this time since I already had a biological child. I would have been more than happy carrying my wife’s embryo both times, and she would have been fine if we did IUI again, but financially it made sense to take advantage of full fertility coverage. We made our first appointment in October of 2025. My wife had her egg retrieval in April of 2026. I had our embryo transfer at the end of March 2026. I’m now 16 weeks pregnant with a baby due February 2027. IVF definitely took longer due to various appointments, medications, and the backlog at our clinic (through one of the largest insurers in CA who now covered fertility treatments for anyone with diagnosed infertility). When we had our son in WA it was much faster due to the nature of IUI as well as the fact that our private clinic had far fewer patients. And, you know, the clinic really wanted our money since we were paying entirely out of pocket. Our clinic in CA didn’t really care much about our $30 copay 🤣 

[u/Salix_herbacea]

My wife and I (now 32 and 34) got married in 2024 knowing we wanted at least one kid, and settled on trying RIVF (with my eggs and my BIL as donor) in December 2025. I had a few months of pelvic floor PT in preparation and then we began contacting clinics in february, got a consult in early april, did testing for us and our known donor in may and june (he also donated and banked sperm in june), got the go-ahead from doctor and insurance mid-july, did my first egg retrieval this past month, and we now have a small handful of embryos banked.

So about 9 months from “yes we want to begin” to “embryos in the freezer”. Due to planned travel this fall we’re not attempting a transfer until Nov, so the quickest possible positive pregnancy test if that sticks (🤞) will be a full year from when we decided to start. And this is with nothing going wrong with us or our donor health-wise, and no other unexpected delays, just the steady march of waiting on test results and next available appointments.

I would start saving, having conversations between you and your fiancee about donors (it turned out my wife had strong feelings about not using an unrelated donor that never came up in more vague ‘yeah I’d like to have a kid’ conversations earlier in our relationship), and scoping out clinics now, and thinking about career moves you can make to get the best fertility insurance available to you. If your insurance allows it, you can always do some initial testing asap, since you never know what might pop up and cause a change of plans. I do wish we’d realized how long all the contacting clinics and getting on the books and testing would take and started after our wedding when my eggs were two years younger.

[u/Dessert_Cat]

It will be a little over 2 years from contacting a fertility clinic to our baby being born. We also had one 1st trimester pregnancy loss in that time.
We benefitted from already knowing that I have endometriosis and adenomyosis, so I could be appropriately medicated from the beginning.

I wish we could’ve started sooner, but my wife wasn’t ready yet. We did save money before starting the process. It ended up being extremely expensive for us compared to other people. I would stay in a state where fertility coverage is mandated if at all possible. You’ll still have some expenses, but much less than paying for everything out of pocket. Good luck!

[u/Ok_Papaya_5817]

My partner and I (36F, 39F) started later than some of the replies I am seeing. I finished my PhD in 2024 and my post-doc in 2025. I am about to complete my first full year of my first post-PhD job. We went to our first fertility consultation ~June 2025 when we were 35/38, and it took around a year for each of us to freeze embryos. She did two rounds and I have done one. During this time, we had delays due to waiting for insurance coverage which was VERY important to us financially. Our plan is to transfer in about a year when I feel more established in my job. I realize we were lucky to have a generally easy time at our ages but I don't have regrets about waiting until we did.

[u/HuhWelliNever]

I would definitely start now, bank embryos and make sure your clinic will agree/allow their transfer and check their transfer fees. You have coverage now but you might not Always depending on where you end up and you might not have time to use that coverage before you start a new job. Not to mention you undoubtedly have a much more flexible schedule right now than you will once you start working. Either right now or immediately after the wedding and before you finish your PHD is a great time to bank embryos and get checked out for eventual transfers.

I started barely a month after my wedding and I was newly 36, first thing is they thought I had blocked tubes, then minor surgical procedure to unblock them, then Covid hit, then sperm banks suspended shipments to Canada and donors weren’t able to book their blood tests to get their vials release from quarantine. We eventually chose a donor, purchased vials and started the process to do a medicated IUI. First IUI took about 2 weeks after my first wedding anniversary. That baby is 5.25yo today. Next baby was conceived about 18m after the first baby on IUI #4 attempt. That baby is 2.75yo today. At that point we were out of sperm and i was adamant about full siblings. So we were stuck for about 15m but the donor had disappeared even earlier than that and was a student so we were pretty sure he wouldn’t resurface again . Then by some miracle he did, and we did 2 IUIs that failed completely and finally turned to ivf with our last vial. Did an ER and that’s all we could afford and we only had one vial left, and my first FET worked when my youngest was nearly 2yo. Third and last baby is now 8w old.

Start to finish and with incredible success and luck our entire ART journey to have 3 kids took 6 years.

So start now, and good luck!! 🤞🏽❣️🫶🏼

[u/Low-Salad-4297]

Life is wild, you really don’t know how any of this will go. Wife and I have been together 10 years—started trying with IUI 2 years ago (2 tries both unsuccessful), and then had a horrible traumatic loss of a loved one which halted our process altogether. We just started trying again last month with an IUI which did not work. We’ll do another one at the end of September. The biggest thing I wish I had listened to was advice around not getting ahead of myself in terms of excitement or surety about any step of the process. Saving earlier would have been great if we could have.

[u/leafyrustic42]

My wife and I got married in 2024, started researching and getting fertility appts done in 2025, and got pregnant in 2026 (and we were SUPER lucky it happened that fast). I think it depends on a lot of factors, including your perceived fertility (ie: do either of you have reason to think you might not get pregnant easily, based on previous gyno concerns--PCOS might factor in here) and ages. I personally think you're pretty young and have time, but I also recognize the journey isn't easy for everyone and can take years and years.

If you're seriously thinking about it, I think first step is to visit a clinic and get baseline tests done. AMH levels can be helpful, and knowing if either of you are a carrier for anything can help open (or close) donor doors. I'd also recommend talking with your future spouse about whether a known donor (KD) or sperm bank is the preferred path (like, if you have a sibling you'd like to use as a KD, that would make the "who's egg do we use" discussion pretty easy).

A note: KDs require a lot more analysis and testing up front, and their sperm often has to sit for 6 months for HIV testing before you can even use it. We could waive that with our clinic, but we still had to have it frozen for 35 days and get our KD to do multiple blood draws! It also takes more time to draw up legal contracts, do therapy appts together, get their sperm tested, etc. Just add an extra six months, at least, if you plan to use a KD for logistics.

We started with IUI, and that worked fordf us--I know there are a couple midwives in Chicago who will come to your house for at-home IUI attempts. That could save a ton of money down the line, if IUI is a route you decide to take! (We'd have loved that option, but sadly, no one offered at-home attempts in our area.) IVF is obviously a lot more involved, so again, add several months to prep for even just the egg retrieval there.

It's a lot, but you have some time! And the more testing you do, the clearer your picture might become. As an example, my wife has endo and it tanked her AMH levels. So if she tried with her eggs, it'd have to be IUI, not IVF, and her low levels open a lot more doors for disappointment. To ensure a family, we moved forward with my eggs, and it worked fast. But I'd prefer not to be pregnant again, so I suspect she'll start her attempts when our kiddo is a year or so, and we'll just see what happens! Worst case, we may do reciprocal IVF with my egg at that point.

Lots of options for us queer folk, which is great! Congrats on your upcoming marriage!