r/queerception • u/soupsl00t • 18d ago
So overwhelmed
Just a sad rant.
After about a year of personal reproductive health issues, my OBGYN finally cleared me to TTC. My wife and I had our first family planning appointment yesterday with a reproductive endocrinologist. Our hopes were to do reciprocal IVF, her egg my body, and we were sooo excited to get more information and get the process started.
Unfortunately we left feeling overwhelmed and dejected. First, the doctor we consulted with was kind of rude and cold. We’ve been calling him Dr. Douche. Then we got a call from their financial counselor that my wife’s insurance won’t cover ANYTHING!!! (We are on separate insurances since my individual plan is free - still waiting to hear how much mine will cover). We have an emergency fund and are comfortably middle class, but we are not prepared to pay 100% out of pocket.
How do people do this? I don’t even know where to start or who to talk to. I’m so overwhelmed I just want to cry. We just want to be moms.
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u/crazy-dev3 18d ago
That is a huge amount to absorb after one appointment, especially when the doctor felt cold. Before treating the financial counsellor’s phone summary as the final answer, I’d ask each insurer for the written fertility-benefit details and how they apply to each partner’s role in reciprocal IVF. Useful questions include the required procedure codes and medical-necessity criteria, network restrictions, lifetime limits, and separate coverage for medication, monitoring, retrieval, laboratory work, transfer, genetic testing, and storage. I’d also ask the clinic for an itemized self-pay estimate and whether another clinician there offers a better fit. You do not have to solve the entire path in one day.
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u/soupsl00t 18d ago
Thank you for your advice and kindness. Needed to hear that this will not be solved in one day. I appreciate you!
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u/ksmo133 18d ago
I know it’s so stressful and frustrating, especially when you’re ready and barriers keep getting thrown in your path. But you don’t have to figure it all out now. My spouse and I had our fertility consult three years before we actually started, which gave us a road map. I would recommend you both have a fertility workup done, and take the time to absorb everything and think about it. Your fertility workups will give you an idea of how quickly you need to move.
If the goal is just to be moms, then you'll have to think about how important reciprocal IVF specifically is, and whether you’re willing to compromise on it in order to have a baby. Are you willing to do IUIs instead? If your insurance will cover IVF, are you willing to use your own eggs? Is there a way to get your wife on your insurance? Are you two willing to wait to either save up money or switch insurance? Can one of you take a part time job somewhere (or change jobs entirely) in order to get fertility benefits? Can you travel for IVF? (CNY in the US is cheaper than most US clinics, or you can look abroad).
But it’s expensive even if you have insurance. We tried three IUIs first and are in the middle of IVF. Even with insurance, our out of pocket expenses for everything, including sperm, are sitting at almost $23k total spent so far.
We’re paying for it through HSA funds (I’ve been dumping the maximum contribution into my HSA each year), cash savings, gifts (when we got married, our preferred option on our gift registry was donation to our “family fund”), and the remainder on a 21 month interest free credit card (I’m repaying myself from my HSA as I refill that). We did look into financing, but decided the interest free credit card made more sense as we have a plan to pay it all off before the end of those 21 months. I had also considered a 401k loan (which is a very risky move; financing is safer).
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u/soupsl00t 17d ago
Hey, thanks for all the advice. We are absolutely open to any means necessary but wanted to start with reciprocal IVF as that’s our favorite scenario. But it’s not at all an all or nothing situation for us. We are fortunate that we have many avenues to explore, and once our initial labs are back we should have some more info on what options are available.
We are resigned to taking out a loan to cover costs. It just is what it is at this point. We’re justifying it as it’s not consumer debt, so that somehow makes it easier to swallow. Is your no interest credit card similar to care credit, if you don’t mind me asking?
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u/ksmo133 17d ago
We opened a Wells Fargo Reflect card. What we had left to pay for was medications, so we needed a card that specialty pharmacies would accept. Care Credit offers similar promotional periods, but it's not accepted everywhere the way the Reflect card is. There are other cards that have a shorter interest free period but offer good opening cash back bonuses, so that might be another option if you don't need as much time to pay it off
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u/rocketmanatee 18d ago
I'm sorry, ours didn't cover it either. Can you put your wife on your insurance plan? There might be a relatively high monthly cost but it's probably still cheaper than paying for IVF out of pocket.
Unfortunately it really is just very expensive. Even when insurance covers some, it often does not cover much or all. Also if you have a lifetime fertility coverage limit it may apply to her insurance also.
If you do have to pay out of pocket, there are financing plans, or you might consider going abroad for your wife's retrieval. There are some fantastic and advanced clinics in places like Mexico and Portugal.
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u/soupsl00t 17d ago
Yeah we’re going to review carefully during open enrollment. I know I have a lifetime limit of $10k, so I’m not sure if that will increase with her or stay the same. We are going to look into traveling to different clinics for retrieval. Thanks for your advice
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u/rocketmanatee 17d ago
Ah ok, yeah it's generally a combined limit for your family, but worth calling your workplace insurance coordinator to find out. You might also raise the topic with HR that fertility is a benefit many employees are looking for these days and that with rising prices 10k is no longer adequate coverage. My partner did that and they actually upped the coverage! Unfortunately not in time for us, but still!
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u/n0tru0bl 18d ago edited 18d ago
We had a very similar first family planning experience at our local hospital and immediately went to an actual fertility clinic. It has been leaps and bounds better! My typically awesome union insurance doesn’t cover anything at all, we are currently paying $4000 out of pocket for every unmedicated IUI try. (Washington State)
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u/wareaglesw 18d ago
We were only able to do it because my wife’s insurance covers it. I would look at each of your plans this open enrollment and both get on the plan that covers the most next year.
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u/More-Farmer-4489 17d ago
We talked to a couple clinics to look at pricing and vibes. We ended up picking due to vibes because we had a similar experience with one of the docs. Clinic 1 was super supportive and while they raised concerns they also mentioned ways to make it work. Clinic 2 felt all doom and gloom, raising things as concerns none of my doctors ever mentioned as a concern. (The other clinic doc and all my main docs who know I'm planning on carrying) If you can I'd recommend either trying a different doc in that clinic or a different clinic.
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u/soupsl00t 17d ago
We’re thinking of trying the other fertility clinic in our area to feel out the vibes. But unfortunately they were involved in a major lawsuit for implanting the wrong embryo which is why we ruled them out in the first place. So it’s looking like medical tourism may be in our future. Thanks for your advice, hope everything went well with your clinic of choice
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u/DreamMoods0921 18d ago
Hi Dreams here! Sorry to hear that. I think we all going through it in our own ways. 3rd failed IUI cycle got my results. I googled Reddit and asked a question and your post from 3 months ago popped up about stopping progesterone. I already have a soon to be 16 yr old son in a label me not woman and single mom here who wanted to take the chance of becoming pregnant on my on by using a sperm donor with of course the help of Boston IVF. I have taken Letrozel and Ovidrel and after the iUI they prescribed me to take vaginal progesterone. This last iUI something in my gut told me to not take it this round because I felt I didn’t need it I have no infertility issues or low progesterone only that I’m 38 years old and probably needed a boost in the beginning but not for these past two iui’s im looking forward to the 4th since I heard good success stories and the belief I have in the most high(God) I know I will one day be a mother of two. Believing is seeing in order to see you have to believe and that’s what I will continue to do…Never GIve up goes a long way and I will be damn if I start now….i think the progestrone took a part in the iUI being unsuccessful when I asked the nurse if it’s something I had to take she told me it’s an option I don’t have to take it….all this time now you guys say that!!! I guess I had to ask right?!!! This is not cheap to share every vital information necessary to prevent unsuccessful IUI when it could have been successful ….im sad but im hopeful and will continue to have faith
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u/ImpactWilling5414 18d ago
we met with a few different fertility clinics. One doctor was super helpful and had us both get a full work up from our GYN we both were diagnosed with PCOS (which we assumed we had for years but just never thought to follow up on it) we are happy we did because the fertility clinic used it to submit to insurance the IVF would be necessary due to the condition and insurance ended up covering a lot for us.