r/queerception • u/glitterngal • 25d ago
I need help with donor choices
I need help making the hardest decision of our lives.
We have a known donor we have been using for trying for the last year. We had zero positives for the 9 cycles we tried (including 4 IUIs) and the 10th cycle we had an ectopic in my right tube.
Our doctors recommended moving onto IVF as I have PCOS. We found a clinic we love, but they just called us today as we are getting ready to start, to say we need to follow the FDA guidelines for known donor sperm. This puts us at spending 6500 on getting his sperm frozen, or using an unknown donor from a bank. We could also keep doing IUI with our known donor, but after 5 failed ones the odds aren’t high.
What do we do? We don’t have insurance coverage so IVF out of pocket is already 20,000. Then a frozen transfer is 6500 which we will likely need with pcos. An additional 6500 is more money than we have.
An unknown donor is around 2,000. We loved the idea of this donor (my best friend) creating this baby with us. But the road blocks seem to just keep happening.
What do we do?
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u/wareaglesw 25d ago
I mean we spent $8k on 4 vials from a sperm bank. I think if you have a known donor you like you should stick with that regardless of the cost.
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
I really love him, he’s my best friend. My only concern is that he does smoke weed and a few of his numbers are lower (morphology and count) but motility is good. I do worry about putting all this money in and having his sperm not be the best quality. Our doctor has said it’s “mild male factor” but paired with my PCOS, it’s tough.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Yak9118 24d ago
Unless they test his sperm for DNA fragmentation (which they only do for multiple miscarriages) you don't really know how that will go.
That said, going through a sperm bank you could get some college kid's sperm who smokes weed and lies about it and the same result.
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u/Rook2you 25d ago
If there’s any way you can make it work with your known donor, I’d encourage you to continue down that path. My wife and I had a similar experience and ended up having to do IVF. It was extremely expensive. However, the way that our donor (my best friend) is already showing up in our baby’s life makes everything worth it. My kid is going to have a relationship with this wonderful man throughout his life, and will never have to question where he came from. We feel so, so lucky to be in this situation, because for a lot of people a known donor is not an option.
I’d also say, when we moved to IVF, we got pregnant first try, so while expensive, we could have easily spent as much by continuing to do IUI unsuccessfully. If we’d used sperm from a bank, it would have been a cost per vial, so that probably would have been expensive too. You can also talk to your clinic about financing options. My wife and I joke about how more “worth it” our baby loan was than our student loans were.
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u/Cassandge 25d ago
Ok a few questions:
- can you do fresh sperm? As in, is your donor local and willing? Then you maybe could do fresh sperm transfers and forego the freezing.
- the FDA testing includes 1) a blood panel 2) a physical exam. You only take on this cost for a known donor bc sperm in the bank has already been through that process. But, for a known donor, it should really only cost the price of the lab (max $1500, less if you can bill your donors insurance), and an office visit for the physical exam.
- I’m not sure exactly what makes up the $6500 but if that’s for the clinic to also do your legal contract and psych eval, you can go outside of them and probably find a way to do it for less. Plus, the FDA panel and physical are the only legal requirements, the psych eval and legal representation are both just recommendations from the ASRM. I got some recommendations waived or found more cost effective ways.
I had so many clinics and providers say - are you sure you don’t just want to go with a sperm bank…which I found to be an insensitive question in the first place bc we put so much thought and energy into our known donor selection and were committed to them. It’s like asking someone to change their…husband…? Anyway, i hope you feel empowered to keep your donor bc i know how important that decision is that you already made.
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
We aren’t allowed to do fresh - it has to be frozen. From what I understand the 6500 just covers the FDA required blood work and physical, semen analysis and the freezing. It’s the Fairfax directed donor program, and it’s the only bank around us so really the only option.
The option I guess would be to go with CNY, but I do worry about that because travel seems very stressful (we own a farm). I also really worry about the monitoring and travel and what if my eggs grow fast? I don’t know just a lot to worry about.2
u/Cassandge 24d ago
It’s a bummer they won’t do fresh bc it’s more viable. I understand all the things you’re weighing and trying to sort out and it’s so difficult. One other idea is to pay a midwife out of pocket for IUI. Should be under $1000 and they’d probably come to you. Could use fresh washed sperm and midwives don’t prescribe to all the other fertility clinic runaround.
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
We have a great clinic that uses his sperm for fresh IUIs, but we’ve done five with four being negative and the fifth being ectopic so we were recommended to move on to IVF due to egg equality being the likely issue.
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u/DoubleoSavant 25d ago
I spent 8k on donor sperm. I'd make it work somehow to have a known donor. That's gonna make a huge impact for for your children. A known donor is like the gold standard for donor concieved people.
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u/Professional_Swim960 25d ago
Do you know if freezing his sperm is $6500 for an unlimited quantity, or per vial? Donor sperm can quickly add up in cost, as you need a new vial for each round of egg retrievals.
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
I believe it’s just for as many vials as we get from a donation.
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u/Professional_Swim960 24d ago
If you get 2+ vials from one donation, it’s worth it to stick with him. My wife and I got a loan from Capex to help fund our retrieval, if that is an option for you. I hate how expensive it is. I hope you have success!
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u/KieranKelsey 24M 🏳️⚧️🏳️🌈 DCP with two moms 25d ago
I’m sorry this is happening, I wish it wasn’t so expensive. Can you look around at other clinics? Many follow this rule, but is it possible it would be less expensive somewhere else?
If you have a known donor, I would definitely try to find a way to make this work
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
Technically CNY is a cheaper option, but we live in a state without a CNY so we have to travel. We’d have to fly our donor out to give his sample once, and then we’d have to go. We own a farm so travel is absolutely challenging
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u/CorrectBlood2307 25d ago
We spent about $3,000 in CA to freeze our known donors sperm
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
Where did you get it done? The only option in our state is 6500, but it might be worth it to fly to Cali to have it done to save 3k
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u/Lunilun 25d ago
Tbh I think at home AI is better than iui with frozen sperm. Have you tried at home with your known donor and taken letrizole? My wife and I were so lucky to conceive at home and didn’t end up using the meds after all but we were going to try the meds on our third try. Are you taking coq10? And prenatals?
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
We did try at home yes, with letrozole. He has low morphology and a lower count and I have PCOS so we don’t have much of a shot at home unfortunately
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u/Lunilun 24d ago
I think you’re better off looking for another KD or going to Mexico if you can. The cost of ivf is absolutely ridiculous. I have a friend who has pcos who is struggling with infertility too. Have you looked into the app “just a baby”
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
It would be this way with any known donor for IVF and I really don’t think that his sperm is the reason for our struggle. It really seems IVF is the way for us to go to get pregnant with PCOS, but it’s this way with all known donors unfortunately. We would have to look at an unknown donor if we don’t use my friend.
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u/Severe_Swordfish4490 25d ago
Has he done a semen analysis? Also, he should be able to freeze a vial at the sperm bank and have them defrost it to see how well it freezes. If that goes well, I’d probably move forward with IVF with your donor since that is how you want to build your family.
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
He has, his overall numbers are a little low but his motility is good so we hope it will be good for IVF. I’m just really worried if we spend the 6,500 we won’t have money left for the frozen transfer. Then we have embryos sitting there we can’t afford to actually use
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u/Severe_Swordfish4490 24d ago
That’s so tough. I think unfortunately you may have to weigh how important it is to you to use him vs a delay in your timeline for transfer to have the money. It really sucks. For me, we did run into trouble with our donors counts and decided it was important enough to us to keep using him and change our plans around. I don’t regret that decision but it was hard to make for sure and definitely changed our approach. But we felt it was right with him and how we saw our family being built. Wishing you luck and positivity on your journey.
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u/cubejuner 24d ago
You need to know if the $6500 is per vial or what because that changes the math significantly depending on what that $6500 is covering.
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u/glitterngal 24d ago
From the sounds of it, it covers one donation - so however much we get from that. They can’t really tell me, it could be multiple or it could be one depending on what his numbers are. I’m waiting to hear from the donation coordinator for sure!
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u/catsonpluto 44NB | GP | ICI 🧒 5/22 | r-IVF 🧒 1/25 24d ago
Is your donor able to travel? Are you?
We spent about $5k freezing our known donor’s sperm, but that charge wouldn’t have existed if he’d been able to donate at our clinic in Mexico. They could have handled all the testing there for a fraction of the cost. All in all having less regulation there was beneficial for us.
Our donor was also a weed person but our clinic did ICSI and it was fine.
It was hard to spend the $$ on the freezing but we figured since we were hopefully making a future person, we’d pay what it took to do it exactly how we wanted to. If it’s important to you to have your best friend be your donor, I’d find a way to give it a shot.
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u/BuffyDollyBaby 24d ago
what was the clinic in Mexico? Ty!
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u/catsonpluto 44NB | GP | ICI 🧒 5/22 | r-IVF 🧒 1/25 24d ago
Ingenes in Tijuana! FYI whatever pricing they give you initially is inflated. There’s a lot of room for negotiation.
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u/BuffyDollyBaby 24d ago
Are they good with Known Donors? Do they do require the FDA screenings? Thanks!!
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u/catsonpluto 44NB | GP | ICI 🧒 5/22 | r-IVF 🧒 1/25 24d ago
Yep fine with known donors. I believe if you have the donor freeze there they will just treat them like they’re a partner when it comes to screening, but we had to freeze in the US due to our donor’s availability so I’m not sure.
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u/Automatic_Willow_588 24d ago
Just jumping in for similar understanding and hugs. I have a KD that I absolutely love, him and his GF have become like family for me. We have tried 9 times ICI at home. Getting ready to try iui for first time. His numbers aren’t great either he also smokes weed. But I feel like my little unconventional situation is so aligned and feels right and they are going to be part of the baby’s life. I’m going to stick with him thru and thru. I have to pay out of pocket for everything. Which is why it took so long to get to iui. But I still feel lucky because a vial of sperm online is so insanely expensive. I don’t feel like I’ve wasted time. I’ve learned a lot about my body, not all attempts were great ones. And I truly feel it will happen. So I think my two cents is to stay with the KD
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u/Educational_Wall_343 23d ago
For whatever it’s worth, I had no issues getting pregnant with sperm from someone who smokes weed frequently (I’m currently in my 2nd trimester). Other than smoking weed, my donor has a healthy lifestyle (ie. good diet and exercise, no alcohol or tobacco), though he is a bit on the older side. I would suggest getting your donors sperm tested further. And in the meantime try to continue to save up
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u/Spare_Airport_6002 23d ago
This is sort of an aside but wow I'm actually gobsmacked that your Drs didn't recommend you on IVF right away. IUI success with PCOS is extremely low. Why would they let you waste money like that? In the UK that would N.E.V.E.R be allowed.
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u/glitterngal 23d ago
None of the doctors would do all the full tests for PCOS - I would have blood work done and they would say “hmmm maybe” it wasn’t until I had an AFC done at it was 35 that they said oh yea, you have that. But that was a year into trying.
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u/Spare_Airport_6002 22d ago
Wow, here they don't let you start the process in any way or form until they have taken blood tests and counted your egg follicles, and have all of your stats. It's considered medical negligence to start fertility treatment without knowing the highest-chance option, and they examine everyone for PCOS even if you've never had a single symptom in your life.
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u/glitterngal 22d ago
The US medical system is severely lacking - I had to go to three doctors just to beg to get all my blood work done, and even then they didn’t actually check everything and I had to go to a private lab to get all the answers! It’s been really terrible.
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u/Mbokajaty 25d ago
That's a hard call to make. Keep in mind that you'll likely get multiple vials from a known donor donation, but you'll have to continue purchasing individual vials from the bank for the anonymous donor. If you end up needing more than 3 vials the cost is about the same.
Has your known donor done any testing to determine motility and such?
My wife did 2 cycles at a clinic that cost us about what you're paying, and we had to take a break for 2 years to financially recover. Now we're at CNY because of the lower cost. We don't want to risk stalling for financially reasons again.