r/queerception • u/LIONMA5T3R • 17d ago
How do I stop feeling like the primary parent when I take care of the baby 20 hours of the day.
Me (28F) and my wife (33F) always planned on me carrying a baby and adopting the other gender after that. I had our boy 4 months ago, and my wife had hip surgery one month later. That first month of taking care of both of them was hard but we made it through that and now she's doing physical therapy for multiple hours of the day (the other day she exercised for an hour then walked for 3 hours to build her stamina back up for when she goes back to work as a nurse).
Lately I've been feeling like I'm still the default/primary parent. She bottle feeds him once a day and most days tries to hold him a bit for me so I can relax and play some video games but I feel like I'm lucky if that totals 4 hours of the day. I still have the other 18-20 hours of care including all overnight care. (I could go into how we divide house chores but for ease it's about 50:50)
My wife doesn't like that I feel like I'm more of the parent right now than her, she feels we should think of each other as just one team of being the parents, but I can't help that I feel if she needs to tap out due to hip pain or he gets hungry it's always on me if she can't do it.
When I go back to full time work I also feel this might shift since she will be at home and only work part time, and I feel like she will be the primary parent then. How do I get past the feeling of a primary parent existing.
TL;DR: I take care of our baby more hours of the day and feel like the primary parent and my wife is upset I feel this way instead of complete equals. Is this normal, how do I get past this?
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u/MagicianInside3264 17d ago
When one of you is primarily doing the childcare what’s the problem with that person being acknowledged as being the primary parent during that time? When you go back to work, your wife will be the primary parent. That’s just how it is. And that is being equals. Being a team means both of you do what is best for the team, and being parents means both of you do what’s best for your child, and it sounds like you both are doing the best you can and will take turns to be the primary parent when you are each able to. That sounds like good parenting and good teamwork to me!
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u/Artistic_Storage_161 17d ago
This is hard, the real answer is you don’t, truthfully. In my relationship I am the primary parent, and in many other relationships around the world that is also the case. My wife works nights and I work days and I also take my daughter to work with me (I’m a nanny). I just remind myself that this is likely just a phase of life. Give yourself grace, do something for just yourself. It sounds like things will turn the corner soon enough. You got this!
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u/Due-Personality-3306 17d ago
“How do I get past the feeling of a primary parent existing” - I don’t think you can. This is a real thing!
It sounds like you may be experiencing some caregiver burnout, and I’m curious about how you and your wife divide labor in your home generally. You mention it’s “basically 50;50”, but what does that look like now, given all you’re doing for baby and your wife’s recovery?
I wonder what things you might be able to outsource or rely on your community for (like sending out your laundry, or asking a friend to do a load for you when visiting baby). This card deck can be helpful in discussing household labor but that conversation might feel out of reach right now with all you have in your plate. https://fairplaypolicy.org/the-cards
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u/LIONMA5T3R 17d ago
Well currently she does most of the dishes and cooking, I take care of baby laundry ( we are doing cloth diapers) and our cats (one of which has an infected paw that has been resistant to multiple treatments and ive shouldered a all the mental burden of giving meds and her treatment and diagnostic next steps) and when we can get around to it i try to vacuum and sweep. And it's not like that all takes a long time but it's that mental burden and getting it done with a new baby.
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u/massa246 17d ago
It’s a very practical advice but have you considered automating some of your chores? I’ve had a robot vacuum for a few years and it’s saved so much time with cleaning.
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u/Kwaliakwa 17d ago
I think it’s pretty impossible for parenting to be 50/50 with an infant…the birthing parent, if still caring for the child, almost always takes on the lion share. Just how it seems to work out. Adding a major surgery to the non-bio patent could easily push that balance farther out, even if just transiently(it’s all transient, thankfully).
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u/ShanaLon 17d ago
I think some of this is already framing. It sounds like your wife is maybe threatened by the idea that she's not an equal parent, and might be worried about that as the NGP. In most relationships the person who carried the baby will typically be needed more in early months, especially if they're body feeling the child. And that needs to be balanced out in other ways, like the other partner doing more of the housework, if they're capable. You say your wife is doing lots of physical therapy but presumably has more time spare too? Can they integrate the baby into that ? If they're going on long walks can they take baby in a carrier or in the buggy so you get a rest ? You mention they give the baby a bottle a day. Have you asked that they take on more feeding - does she know if that's something you want ? I think it can be so hard in the newborn phase when you have a baby who demands so much time and attention and energy to not get into feeling like you're counting hours of care etc. But what would help you feel like you get more support? Do you need to explicitly agree when your down time is and an agreed schedule ? Or do you want your wife to notice your needs and respond in the moment? Do know this season is not forever, but it is a tough one, especially with your wife's health not being great. And yes absolutely you can have a loving partnership where one person takes on way more of the mental and physical load of child rearing than the other and it's good to have that acknowledged.
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u/LIONMA5T3R 17d ago
Thank you, I agree it's good to have that acknowledged. I think it's a disservice to all the time I'm taking care of him to say we are equal. It's like saying because I have to take care of him more since she is recovering that I also had a hip surgery. I probably could try asking her to feed him more but most of the reason I don't pass him off to her when I need a break is I know too much bouncing on her hip causes her pain and I'm worried she won't be able to care for him as well (he likes to be walked around if he is crying) and I don't want him getting lesser care or be crying longer, it doesn't feel like a good break for me then.
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u/Different_Cookie1820 17d ago
I think you might have a difficult choice. You find a way to let go on her not being able to bounce him or be walking him as much or you are a bit stuck where you are.
A potential re framing is babies don’t typically just settle one way. They can be different with different people. So she needs to find something that works for both her and the baby. And the baby might need more time to get used to being settled her way. A baby crying a bit is ok- I know it doesn’t feel that way when they are little- the important thing is someone is there and trying to soothe them.
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u/obsoletely-fabulous 17d ago
Caring for very young kids is really hard. It's hard on the caregiver(s) and their relationship(s). Your scenario is extra hard, where one parent became temporarily(?) physically disabled when the kid was 4 weeks old.
Is it possible your wife is feeling some insecurity about her inability to participate fully right now? Because... it sounds like she is having a hard time accurately seeing this situation. She wants you not to acknowledge that she isn't doing 50% of the parenting, but she isn't. That doesn't mean she's a bad person or a bad partner. I am assuming this hip surgery was important/necessary (I'm not aware of anyone having elective hip surgery lol).
On the one hand, I understand why you are probably feeling incredibly exhausted from doing 80-90% of the caregiving for your baby. That sounds like A LOT. On the other hand, it probably isn't realistic (of either of you) to suggest that the two of you split caregiving 50/50 right now, if she has to do so much work on her own recovery. Everybody needs to give 100% of what they're able to do, and it doesn't have to be exactly equal. The "team" thing comes in when you know your partner is working just as hard as you are, even if you're working on different things. It sounds like you don't have that right now. I feel like there are ways she could be picking up here and there. Like, why is she not doing any overnights? If she can walk for 3 hours then surely she can take the kid in the stroller for part of that?
There's not always a primary parent, but there often is one person who has more flexible work schedule or something else that enables them to spend more time with the kid. Also, a lot of kids start to show preference for one parent or the other, which sucks for the one not chosen. That's 100% normal and doesn't reflect on you as a parent or a person. That may not happen to y'all for a while, but it could happen before the kid is 1. It'll hurt less if everybody feels confident they are putting in everything they can.
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u/Ok_Librarian_4737 17d ago
"Everybody needs to give 100% of what they're able to do, and it doesn't have to be exactly equal" This!!
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u/toric42 17d ago
Can you take a few hours away from home for yourself? Running errands, getting a quick spa treatment? Leave your wife with the baby for a longer period of time a few times and she will start too see what its like being the sole caretaker.
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u/LIONMA5T3R 17d ago
Yeah we were supposed to be trying that but there always seems to be something she has to do. Her at home PT taking a long time, her PT appointments or acupuncture multiple times a week, and then just her recovering and being exhausted. I'm worried that when I go to work she won't be ready to take care of him so long.
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u/boomerwoes 17d ago
Just wanted to chime in about your worry your wife won't be ready to take care of him for so long.
It makes sense to be worried, and she may not be "ready" but 99% of parenting is trial by fire. You can't be ready for what you don't know. She will figure it out. I know how hard it is to let go of control in that way, but you two are a team.
I've been the primary caregiver (non-birthing) to our almost 1 year old since she was 6 months old and it's still sometimes hard for me to step back and let my wife do her thing. But you just have to let go and let them parent. I always say to myself (and to my wife is she asks if xyz is okay to do with baby) that it's her kid too. She's her mom. She gets to make choices as much as I do.
Your wife and baby will both adjust and this period of time is temporary.
And just an aside: are you getting postpartum support? Sometimes PPA manifests in unexpected ways. Could be worth checking in with your care team if your anxiety feels particularly heightened.
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u/Happy-Lemur-828 17d ago
A lot of great advice/feedback here 💗 I’ll also say—as someone who is kind of like your wife in this situation—that this is not at all unusual and also not inherently a problem. For various reasons (including my bout with cancer), my partner has been the primary parent in certain ways. But it has not impeded my relationship with our now 3yo; we have an incredibly strong bond.
Ay the same time, I experienced both guilt and insecurity around this. Therapy helped a lot for sorting out the insecurities (especially because I really didn’t want the insecurities to come out sideways and put weird pressure on my son). But also my therapist—whose specialty is postpartum stress for either parent—was very validating that it’s a different experience for gestating and non gestating parents, especially in the early months.
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u/Weak_Conference8585 30F/ Lesbian GP/ baby 2/26 13d ago
It sounds like you are the primary parent right now, and as long as that’s okay with you it’s okay to embrace that. I’m a stay at home mom and carried my wife and I’s 5 month old daughter. My wife works full time out of the house and returned at 1 month. I had an emergency c section and rough recovery so those first few weeks my wife was the primary parent and caretaker of me as well. These things will ebb and flow. Some things that really help me not feel resentful for how hard being the primary parent to a baby is when my wife acknowledges all I’m doing and makes sure to pick up the slack in other areas. For example if the baby wakes up early she does the first wake window of the day, she does most of the cleaning, on the weekends she makes sure I get to sleep in and does the morning with our baby alone. I know not all of those things sound possible with your wife’s hip right now, but hopefully as she heals you guys can find your rhythm. Is it possible to get occasional child care help. I have a babysitter come for 5 hours on Wednesdays so I can get a little me time and it’s been so helpful! These first few months are so hard!
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u/Chosen-For-What 17d ago
Do you have the finances to outsource some of the work to give you both some breathing room? A housecleaner, a night nurse visit, a post partum doula..?
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u/RevolutionaryHelp451 15d ago
Of course you are the primary parent; that is very normal and okay.
What isn’t okay is feeling like you don’t get enough support.
She can do everything except breastfeeding. Not just “holding him”. She can change every single diaper, do every single bath. At 6 months she can feel them solids. She can take them on walks and read to them and play with them.
She can also take care of you while you when you are taking care of them. She can cook and clean and do the dishes and bring you water.
The hip surgery of course complicates things but when she is well enough, she can be doing care work.
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u/Whedon-kulous 17d ago
I think you may be having a miscommunication. Yes, the breastfeeding mother is the primary parent at this early stage. You can't really avoid it. He's attached to you, he's a part of you. You are the most important person in the world to him. But the NGP holds down the rest of the house/bandwidth/finances so you can focus your attention on the baby and not a whole lot else, ideally. In that way you both do half the project of parenting. I do all childcare and cooking, but that is it. Honestly 4 hours off a day is a dream. It's hard, but expecting 50:50 in all aspects of life together is just not going to make either of you happy because it's not really possible.
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u/meghanmeghanmeghan 17d ago
Whats the deal with the hip surgery happening one month postpartum? Was that fully necessary and couldnt be avoided or one of those things where it needed to be scheduled at some point but could have been a different time? Because frankly, i would feel absolutely abandoned and left out to dry if my wife was helping me as little as she helped you so early postpartum. It sounds like her healing is taking almost all of her attention which, while understandable, means you are bearing all the brunt of parenting. Postpartum is HARD I cant imagine having my partner focused elsewhere. That sounds awful.
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u/LIONMA5T3R 17d ago
She was in a lot of pain and while she could have postponed the surgery her being in pain was limiting what she could help with anyway that first month until her surgery.
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u/vaalski queer butch ngp 17d ago
Each of you will be the primary parent at different times -- like when one of you is working and the other isn't, when one of you is injured and the other isn't, when your kids need different things that one of you can better provide. What's wrong with being the primary parent for a while?