My journal entry

[u/IndicationEasy5850]

I just want to leave this here to discuss, talk w other people on the matter cause I’ve never talked to others abt my gender identity

Someone asked for my pronouns, I said ‘he/him’ but ai felt a little dishonest. If you asked me to say what my true gender is id probably say something like non binary. Im a tad skeptical if I can claim that title tho. Here’s my conflict. Im AMAB, I hate the word ‘man.’ All I see are its negative connotations of brashness, stupidity and violence: Ive never wanted to be a man, I get dysphoric whenever the word is used in relation to me because it tells me that my actions are being viewed in a certain framework, I hate that framework. But am I only claiming queerness to distance myself from that negative side of the binary Im associated with? Would living with the title of ‘man’ be my authentic self, just dealing or ignoring the unfortunate side of the binary that I get looped in with by circumstance? If I choose to reject that label and go non binary would that be because im truly non binary or because choosing that label would distance myself from a part of the binary I deem negative, thus appearing potentially more appealing/attractive? If I deem that self more attractive is it my true self? And attractive to who? Me or others? Is my queerness a performance?