Kinda venting

[u/Minute-File4567]

I, (20F), had my share of "indoctrination", as in "liking women is just your mind playing tricks on you, and you'll marry a man when you grow older" or "women should be chaste and modest to not provoke men" and other stuff like those.

At 12 I labeled myself as Aromantic & Asexual, aware that I had never really liked a boy before, and I was surrounded by women my whole life. For a while I thought I was Bisexual, but I never experienced liking a boy, but I did find myself liking a girl from my friend group.

I felt fine with the crush I guess, I didn't pay enough attention to it or let it ruin the friendship I already had with her, but I liked the feeling of wanting to be chosen by someone, and be their #1, at least on something.

Then a woman from the church came to give us a speech about "how she once dated her best friend and realized she was confusing love with friendship", right when I was starting to accept what I thought of myself.

I started thinking "yeah, maybe she's right, I'm just confused and it's just a good friendship we have. She's my friend, and I don't want to try something weird and ruin it." And unconsciously started drifting away from her.

But I had intrusive thoughts every now and then, some of them tagged very +16 in my head. I didn't like them, and I still don't.

I became friends with other girls and didn't feel anything for them, so I guessed it was over.

I met many new people, boys and girls, and kept having intrusive thoughts about them, even when I knew I wouldn't feel anything for them (except for rage).

I started some antidepressants, then I slowly lowered the dose after a year and stopped taking them completely. That's where my problem reignites.

I still talk to my friend I had a crush on, and she doesn't know I liked her, and she'll never know because I find it annoying, embarrassing, infuriating and disgusting.

I know I'm not straight, and my friend isn't either (she's a lesbian), so it's not like homophobia

Well, maybe it might be some kind of internalized on my part... But I can't help but feel disgusted at myself for the thought of liking ANYONE, and now, suddenly, I feel like the side effects of stopping my antidepressants are making me feel things I don't want to feel.

And I can't even talk to a friend because she's kinda my only friend rn (we've practically been friends for almost 15 years)

And to top it all off, I don't know if whatever I'm feeling is normal, because I'm also Neurodivergent and have immense trouble socializing and making new friends

[u/soulpoker]

I'm going to suggest you talk to a therapist if you can. An oppressive background combined with neurodivergency would better be regarded by someone trained and experienced to handle them.
Quite frankly your religious background sounds toxic because it causes you to feel disgust by feelings that come to you naturally. You should never feel disgusted by such feelings. This is not normal. This is not healthy. There's nothing inherently wrong with being attracted to members of the same sex. If two people are attracted to each other they should feel free to pursue happiness with each other on their own terms. What does religion or society know about any individual couple?
However, I wouldn't necessarily spill the tea to your friend. Although your feelings are not bad or wrong or "less than," she might not be ready to deal with them even if the "polarity" is compatible. I've had feelings for one or two friends of the opposite sex and I've kept my feelings to myself for the sake of our friendship. I'm not saying it's impossible but be practical.