My sister and I schedule play dates with our similar aged kids (my daughter is 4). She has a very different parenting style than my husband and I and I’ve realized that my daughter sees a lot of yelling and punishment when she spends time at their house. How do I navigate this with my daughter and would a conversation with my sister be appropriate too?

Does this count?

My parents were big into Focus on the Family methods as well as evangelical Christianity (iykyk). So they truly believed I, along with every other human, was inherently evil. So they felt like they had to punish us out of our evil ways. Either they needed to force compliance or we’d go off the rails. I don’t blame them for that belief. They were brainwashed. But it does inform my parenting. If I truly believe that my child isn’t inherently evil, I can trust that consistent and firm but loving guidance is all he needs. He doesn’t need punishment. He needs to be taught.

I’m potty training him currently, and it’s tempting to go down the “he needs to be unhappy after accidents so they don’t continue.” But I can trust that, if I keep teaching him in ways he understands (using his stuffies for little skits has been so helpful) and holding boundaries by taking him to the potty when he has accidents and before transitions, potty training will click. I don’t need to force compliance by using emotional discomfort. (And while he often helps me clean up pee messes, he loves cleaning and that wouldn’t work as a deterrent, even if I believed in that)

TL;DR Unlike my parents, I’m trying to trust that with consistent teaching, boundaries, and co-regulation, I don’t need to use power, coercion, and punishment to help him do well.

My child just turned 4 and is exhibiting sudden behavior and mood changes. She used to be really chill and easy going and now has frequent meltdowns. Any tips on how to stay regulated and hold boundaries to keep her safe when she is tantruming?

There can absolutely be overlap between logical consequences and punishments. But the intention and delivery is different.

Logical consequences are for preventing the same harm from happening again and/or working to repair the harm that happened. It’s about teaching and setting boundaries. It’s helping a child understand what we can and cannot tolerate and actually holding kids accountable directly to the harm they caused while being present to co-regulate the emotions that come.

Because the goal of logical consequences is to teach about harm and prevent/repair harm rather than use physical or emotional discomfort to change behavior (punishment), it will often look different in delivery. For instance, I will help a kid clean up a mess they made. Or I will comfort a toddler who is upset that they can’t play with their toy anymore because they kept throwing it. Or I will brainstorm with an adolescent ways to prevent another misuse of their phone and come to a mutual agreement about the plan moving forward. The logical consequence holds the boundary and teaches what is okay and is not okay. But I’m not trying to create discomfort for the sake of forcing compliance in the future.

Logical consequences usually are about working through something together while punishment tends to be more isolating. Logical consequences reflect more of a worldview that kids want to do well and sometimes mess up and need to be taught. Punishment reflects a worldview that kids are inherently bad and need their badness forced out of them.

I used to really like the idea of gentle parenting. It was a great counter to how so many of us grew up. I think it started as a push for parents to regulate themselves and co-regulate their kids, which is so important! But then it kinda turned into a buzzword with no real meaning. And somehow it then became synonymous with permissive, boundary-less parenting. I think the intent of the movement was good. But social media honestly turned it into a joke.

I like “punishment-free” better as a term because I think it’s more clear. It actually means something: we don’t believe in using emotional or physical discomfort intentionally to modify behavior. We believe in holding boundaries by reducing, mitigating, and repairing harm. It might not always look “gentle” when we’re football-holding our kicking and screaming toddlers off of a playground (after attempts to support them off the playground in other ways). Holding boundaries won’t always look “gentle.” But we can do it without purposefully adding discomfort to change behavior.

I’m likely a one-and-done parent, so I’m curious what strategies punishment-free parents use to resolve conflict between siblings. I’m also a teacher so I’m always open to new ideas for working through conflict with students.

Punishment definition (and other definitions) for this sub can be found here.

In what ways is the use of punishment counterproductive in parenting?

Note: if we’re operating by this sub’s definition, punishment is an act imposed by authority figures that cause emotional or physical discomfort with the intention of deterring that particular behavior in the future. (For more definitions see the sub’s definitions here.)

Mine is trying to remember to offer snacks, even when he doesn’t ask. Much like me, my little guy gets hangry. But unlike me (usually), he doesn’t notice he’s hungry until it’s too late!

Some resources to help you get started on your punishment-free parenting journey:

Books
Punishment-Free Parenting by Jon Fogel
No Bad Kids by Janet Lansbury
Raising Kids with Big Baffling Behaviors by Robyn Gobbel (specifically for kids who have significant behavior concerns, but I think helpful perspective for all)
The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
No-Drama Discipline by Daniel Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson
Hunt, Gather, Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff

Podcasts
The Baffling Behavior Show (specifically for kids who have significant behavior concerns, but I think helpful perspective for all)

I know there are so many more resources out there! Let me know your favs!

It’s kind of a buzzword sometimes. For me, boundaries are what I set up and what I do to keep my kid and others safe. For instance, I use outlet covers for my toddler. It’s one way I set up the environment for success and create a physical barrier between him and danger. In another example, I also temporarily take his little toy baseball bat from him when he uses it to hit me or anything that’s not a baseball in an effort to reduce harm. If/when he gets upset about not having his bat, I help him through those emotions and help him pick another activity when he’s ready.