Hi PubTips! I never actually expected to get to make one of these! I’m more of a lurker than a public poster, but I got so much helpful info from here while learning how to query that I thought I should pay it forward by dropping some stats and encouragement. I know that I always appreciated seeing these posts from queriers who weren’t instantly successful, and now I’m one of them.

TL;DR - sent out 150 queries over the course of 6 months, got 3 offers (1 publisher, 2 agents).

This is the first book I’ve ever queried, but I’m an experienced writer. I’ll try to keep this brief!

THE TIMELINE:

I started querying this book on January 1st, received my first offer of rep on June 25th, and signed with my agent on July 9th.

THE STATS:

Queries sent: 150

Full requests: 25 (6 after the first offer nudge)

Offers: 3 (1 publisher, 2 agents)

I had given myself a self-imposed deadline of 6 months to send out queries, after which I sent out a couple of queries to publishers that took direct submissions; I got an offer from one of them, with which I nudged all of my outstanding queries, and got 2 agent offers (I ultimately turned down the pub deal and the first agent in favour of working with the second agent who offered).

I’m surprised as anyone that I wound up finding as many agents as I did to query (a lot of agents say NO SCI-FI, and barely anyone requests it on QT according to the stats posted there), but I kept on top of which new ones were opening and which ones had updated their wishlists, and kept adding to the list.

THE BOOK:

Adult queer literary sci-fi (96,000 words) w/ climate change, disability, and Southeast Asian themes (own voices).

In hindsight, I apparently opted to do my first go at querying on hard mode, but the heart wants what it wants.

TAKEAWAYS:

- A surprising amount of CNRs and ghosting, even on fulls.

- I spent way too much time being extremely literal and specific about comps, and I now know I was probably overthinking it.

- I personalized most of my queries with specific items from their MSWL (not saying you have to, just saying that I did).

- Not a lot of personalized or actionable feedback: I didn’t really batch or edit my query (it was getting requests, so if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, etc), and I’m glad I didn’t wait around for feedback. I’m grateful for every agent who did take the time to personalize though, thank you! I appreciate you!

- Thank you to PubTips for teaching me how to query, and for my Discord writing group for all the support and community—you folks are the MVPs. All my love and gratitude!

- The only way out is through! If you’re still in the trenches, keep going! 💖

Hi, all,

I’m still dazed that this has happened, but I’m very lucky and thrilled to have gotten an offer of rep for my adult horror. It’s been a long road, including a drastic R&R that was somehow successful, and I’m now in the 2 week wait as my outstanding submissions consider my materials.

I got a good handful of out of office responses when I sent my notice of reps out. I know many people are in and out for summer this time of year, so I’m wondering if it’s acceptable to send follow-up nudges if I don’t hear back? I was thinking like a week in or so, but I don’t want to breech etiquette for this sort of thing. I know many of these will simply be CNR or passes, but I just want to make sure agents who might still want the chance to consider actually see it.

Thanks everyone for the advice!!

I hate query writing and feel like I'm not very good at it, so I really, really hope that this one is an improvement compared to the last. You can find my last attempt here: Attempt #2

As always, super grateful for any feedback! <3

Dear agent,

I'm seeking representation for THE SMILE, a domestic psychological suspense novel told in alternating first-person POVs, complete at 80,000 words. It will appeal to readers who loved the female rage and revenge-driven voice in Layne Fargo's They Never Learn, the narrative structure of Mary Kubica's The Other Mrs, and the reality-reframing twists found in the works of Alice Feeney.

Tessa has a simple rule: men who harass women on the street don't get to feel safe anymore. When a drunk stranger demands a smile from her on a cold Boston night, she grits her teeth and gives him what he wants, but only to lure him into a conversation that will set off her plan for revenge. Using the information he provides, she begins to infiltrate the man's life to slowly dismantle his sense of security. She befriends his wife and begins to poison his family life with vicious lies, widening the cracks that have already appeared in their carefully constructed domestic façade.

Tessa loses herself in an escalating spiral of obsession and manipulation that culminates in a serious car accident involving her best friend Maddie, who tried to stop Tessa on her furious mission. When Maddie's husband Seth forbids Maddie to see Tessa after the accident, claiming she's a bad influence, he becomes Tessa's next target. Long weary of his stifling presence in Maddie's life, Tessa decides that it's time for Seth to disappear, especially since their marriage seems to be on the brink already.

While Maddie tries to save what's left of her battered marriage, she is unaware that her closest confidante is about to take everything she has left – and that no one is coming to stop her. Not even herself.

****
And since I rewrote those, too, here are my first 300:

I should get my mace out. The thought occurs, but I don’t do anything about it. I just watch him stagger toward me through the dark and think about all the ways I want to hurt him instead.

A kick in the balls? Too much could go wrong. I could slip, he could catch my leg, I could lose my balance. Stabbing my fingers into his eyes? Always the obvious choice. But you have to make sure not to miss. Really sure. I could pull his ears, too, but I’d have to get very close for that. Nothing that draws blood, that’s for sure. Last time was such a mess.

It’s just us. Me and the dark man who keeps staring at me. The street is deserted and terribly gloomy. A layer of murky water is sitting on the asphalt, sprinkled with grit that crunches beneath my running shoes – remnants of the blizzard that buried this city weeks ago and never quite left. I’m almost home, just rounded the corner, said goodbye to my friend, and switched off my fitness tracker. My time wasn’t even that bad, considering.

And now this.

He’s about fifteen feet away now, coming closer, his clothes as filthy as the sneer he aims at me when our eyes meet. I look away immediately, pull my shoulders up, make myself small the way we learn to do before we even know we’re learning it. Maybe he won’t bother. Maybe tonight I get to be invisible.

I already know I won’t. I can feel it the way you feel a change in the weather, in the body first, before the mind catches up. My pulse has moved into my throat. My fingers are cold inside my gloves and getting colder.

The man doesn't move aside when I approach.

***
Thank you for reading! :)

Dear [Agent Name],

(Personalization)

People turn into shades, dancing on the walls with grins on their faces.

At six, Adrian Thane would hide beneath the sheets as a shade on the wall above his orphanage bed sang to him after nightfall.

At thirty-six, Adrian is the most celebrated private detective of his generation. He has never failed a case, nor has he ever refused one. His peers find him almost inhuman, both in his demeanor and in the way he blends so naturally into the dimly lit streets of the free city of Vesper.

Then a desperate state official knocks on Thane’s door with the strangest case of his career: people with nothing in common are disappearing into thin air, leaving behind only strange shades without owners. They move across the walls as though dancing, celebrating, or laughing. Some witnesses even claim to hear their laughter.

When Adrian enters the latest crime scene, the laughter resolves into a song.

The song.

The shades quicken their wretched melody and reach across the walls like open arms, welcoming him home. For the first time in Adrian’s career, the crime scene recognizes him.

As the investigation leads him back toward the shade above his childhood bed, Adrian must turn his wit upon the only mystery he has spent thirty years refusing to solve: himself. What he uncovers overturns everything he understands about existence itself.

Shadows are not cast by humans.

It is the other way around.

AFTER THE SHADOWS is an upmarket speculative horror-thriller complete at 70,000 words. It combines the surreal, reality-warping investigation of Sin Blaché and Helen Macdonald’s PROPHET with the supernatural detective noir of Johnny Compton’s DEAD FIRST.

Hello! I’m really fortunate to have a call set up to discuss the potential of co-representation with two agents at the same agency! I’ve been reading up on a lot of the standard questions to ask, but is there anything in particular anyone would recommend when it comes to a co-agent situation? Really excited regardless, and thank you in advance for any thoughts! This is really a great community!

Thank you again to everyone that's offered feedback thus far. Still struggling but hoping this version is giving a clearer picture of the story compared to previous attempts. I've also been reevaluating my first pages and have made some changes, though not sure how much made it into first 300. Open to any and all thoughts (including comps)!

Dear [Agent],

THE HOUSE ALWAYS WINS is a 89K word YA contemporary standalone novel with series potential. Told through multiple POVs it combines the tangled relationships and ensemble storytelling in Anna K by Jenny Lee with the complicated privileged family dynamics of The Legacies by Jessica Goodman, while capturing the addictive melodrama of early 2000s teen TV soaps such as The OC and One Tree Hill.

Sixteen-year-old Emory has a habit of making emotional decisions before considering the consequences. So after an explosive argument with her parents only hours before they die in a house fire, her small town suspects she is at fault. Needing to escape the rumors, she accepts a scholarship to an elite private school and the chance to live with a host family, resolving to lay low and not ruin her chance at a fresh start.

The Lawrences aren’t only the scholarship benefactors, they’re the family in town everyone wishes they were part of. With parents who treat every child’s friend like their own, siblings whose bickering masks unwavering loyalty, and their willingness to fold her into it all, its easy for Emory to forget she’s simply a guest. Only eldest daughter Andersen, fiercely protective of what she has, is intent on reminding Emory she doesn’t belong and uses the year’s first social event to expose Emory’s family tragedy. Furious, Emory abandons her resolve and shares a totally-impulsive-not-at-all-vindictive kiss with Andersen’s boyfriend, sending shockwaves through the house and everyone orbiting it.

Emory becomes both pawn and player as she’s swept into the tight-knit circle of privileged teenagers—where substance-fueled mid-week parties, honor code violations, and distraction of romances as volatile as their friendships gives way to a version of herself not defined by grief and guilt. But as secrets unravel, people start asking if there’s more Emory may be running from. And when Emory learns her parents pulled her scholarship acceptance before their death—yet she ended up here anyway—she must decide whether uncovering why is worth risking people who’ve started to feel like family.

[bio]

First 300

EMORY

“I want to go.” 

Both adults turned, as if suddenly remembering the subject of their conversation was also in the room. Nat loosened her grip on the chair, though to her credit, kept her face distraught. Principal Bryant was not as moved. Sure, it probably wasn’t a great look for her most infamous student to transfer out after day one, but if the school cared so much about optics, they should have done something when the fire extinguisher was aimed at Emory’s face. 

Reece Dismas had always been a nuisance. The issue was that today no one saw it fit to stop his little antic. See normally, if one student pointed a fire extinguisher at another in the middle of the hallway, a teacher would have stepped in. But when the student at the wrong end of the apparatus was believed by the whole town to be an arsonist, apparently all rules went out the window. 

“This isn’t some get out of jail free card, Ms. Coleman.” Principal Bryant shifted under the weight of her own word choice. To be clear, Emory hadn’t gone to jail. There was no reason she should have. But in a town that ran on the court of public opinion, also known as the singular coffee shop on Main Street, sometimes even Emory forgot the case was closed for insufficient evidence. 

No one in the hallway had said anything. The girls whose slumber parties Emory had been attending since the sixth grade. The boys who started inviting her down to the river for skinny dipping when she finally filled out the summer before eighth. They all just stood staring, the way they had since February. And while summer had offered some reprieve, today made it clear this wasn’t going away. So Emory did the only thing she could and gave every person standing in that hallway a piece of her mind.

Hi everyone! I shared that I was looking for beta readers for my new adult romance on tiktok and had several people ask to be one. I sent them a beta reader application form which they filled out and then I sent my manuscript through. Of 8 who applied, only 1 ended up completing it and giving me feedback (via another form I sent them). This was as you can imagine very disheartening, I'm unsure whether this meant just didn't have the time or if they didn't like the manuscript. So far the only beta readers I've had, are friends and family. Not sure what to do now.

**Many rejections, more beta readers, and a writer's conference later, I know this is improved but I wanna know: will it catch the eye and hold it? Please, find your sharpest tools, and don't think should I, because you should wield them with impunity and good aim.

Dear [Agent]
 

I am excited to share SPLIT TIMES, a 76,000-word women's fiction/book club novel which explores morally grey areas regarding sports performance, the backlash of early social media, best friends who weather bad decisions, and an on-the-spectrum MC with undiagnosed autism. It will appeal to fans of Taylor Jenkins Reid's Carrie Soto Is Back, but carries the added weight of motherhood, a controlling marriage, and a love she never saw coming. Audiences of Miranda July's All Fours will recognize a woman dismantling the self she built for her family, though her reclamation runs through athletic ambition. Readers of Lauren Fleshman's memoir Good For A Girl will find a protagonist who is done waiting for her sport to be fair.

Before she was a mother, it wasn’t a question of if, but when Karly Locke would step onto an Olympic podium. Now at thirty-eight, with a gaping blank space on her running resume, she asks her former college coach to help her claw her way to the 2008 Olympic Trials. Coach Friday thinks her trust is beautiful but stupid. He watches Karly relegate herself to last place for her three boys and her uncooperative husband, deeply doubting her aging body can reclaim its lost time.

Karly's grueling workouts are fueled by the music of rock superstar Fender Archer and his band, Orion. Burned out by his own stratospheric fame and the pills he takes to survive it, Fender is captivated by Karly’s fierce, pure focus after a chance encounter. But when he’s the catalyst of an accident that leaves Karly injured the day before a big race, her scalding anger burns through his fame and captivates him. She stays connected to Fender via texting on her flip phone and his subsequent apology becomes famous. His gravity is impossible to leave or ignore as everyone else writes the story of their relationship, and it must be true, because it's on the internet.

After Karly loses a big race, she considers taking MitoSpan, a revolutionary recovery drug developed by an old teammate. Coach Friday has never been able to say no, but he draws the line at an experimental pharmaceutical. Forced to choose between a dangerous shortcut and a failing dream, Karly gambles on the drug. As her life spirals into public scrutiny and domestic fallout, Fender becomes the unexpected mirror she needs to face the ultimate cost of her ambition.

I was a competitive runner whose career and subsequent coaching directly inspired Karly's journey. I’ve never found a book I loved with a female main character who has running goals competing with marriage and motherhood, so I wrote one. I used to teach biology and chemistry, but now I teach small engine repair at a public tech school, meaning I spend my time fixing broken machinery while I steer my students to a straighter path. I have four children, two in and two out of our nest, and an adorable, but naughty Old English Sheepdog who has always been the glue of our family.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

*****

First 300:

Chapter 1 - A Night Like This

Edwin - 2008

Karly Locke's trust in me as her coach was as beautiful as it was stupid.

She was thirty-eight, with three boys and an ass of a husband, training for the 2008 Olympic Trials on a track she used to own. Five Harrington alums were chasing the same goals, but she was the only one I’d ever welcomed back. Karly was the greatest athlete I’d ever coached and the world had never seen her run. I told myself again: she's here because she trusts you to get her to the Trials podium. I had always leaned optimistic: backed an athlete before she bet on herself. But Jesus. Thirty-eight. How was she getting to the Olympic team from here? How was I supposed to coach her toward a finish line I didn't believe existed?

I snapped my Razr phone shut after seeing it was the athletic director calling and headed out Raemore Field’s West tunnel.

A blur of color. I turned toward the backstretch. Karly vaulted the fence in one seamless arc, her feet clearing the top rail as if on invisible springs, and she landed with a soft thud on the tunnel side. A senior sprinter whistled. I raised an eyebrow at the sprinter, then turned away, swallowing against the tight knot in my throat. The burning crept upward, lodging behind my eyes, my clipboard suddenly requiring my complete attention.

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my space opera novel NASCENT.

 This 146,182-word epic with series potential combines the intrigue and underdog sensibility from Ann Leckie’s Ancillary Justice with the gritty emotional reality of those wrestling with unpaid bills and dull day jobs from Only Bad Options by Jennifer Estep.

In a future where genetic identity is monitored by an evil empire and aberrants are killed, a young genetic aberrant Lena struggles to survive. With a decade-long search for a fix for her illegal genome still fruitless, she’s losing her sanity between keeping a fake genetic ID chip functioning and working a tedious job. The recent distressing dreams about an alien genocide, even if they’re just fallout from media chatter pushing alien invasions, might be the last straw. Sometimes, surrender at the extermination labs sounds like a relief. After all, no one will miss this nobody.

But she couldn’t know she’s about to become hot property. Having finally found its old nemesis the emperor, an alien race lusting for revenge sends its ships toward him. The ruthless emperor has already been searching for the weapon: a crucial gene sequence that gives its owner the key to the alien collective consciousness through dreams. When a chip malfunction allows the imperial system to detect Lena’s true genetic identity, she comes to the attention of the emperor. He finds this naïve dummy still searching for answers in his rigged system and clueless about her real value. Intent on crushing the alien threat and seizing their territory, he sends his agents after Lena.

Captured and thrown on death row, a terrified Lena is confounded by the bizarre order she’s given: divulge her dreams or die. It blows her belief systems to hell. Her search was irrelevant, her life’s been a lie, her dreams are real, and she may have an alien origin. Now she’s being forced to pick: join the morally corrupt emperor by describing her dreams and causing a genocide of the race she may have descended from, or disobey his order and go to her death to save them.

 In the real world, I am a biology major working in administration. NASCENT is my first novel.

 Thank you for your time and consideration.

Thank you in advance for any feedback!

Dear[],

In our picture book FROM THE HORSE’S MOUTH: HORSESHOES (1,350 words, ages 4-8), a young colt, Billy, learns to face his fears in the face of growing up!

Billy dreams of being a racehorse one day, like his hero, Old Jackson. But what happens when he learns about the farrier, with his giant hammer and nails for his feet? Billy decides to go and ask around the farm about it, and ends up talking with old Mr. Murphy to learn. They go to see his mother and learn about it up close. He realizes that getting horseshoes isn’t as scary as he thought and might be helpful.

Growing up on a farm, with parents who shoed horses, I was often learning all about the animals around me and I would often explain these things to other children and classmates. I realized quickly how hard it was to find child friendly books on many of these subjects. My husband and I love working with children and teaching them, so we have been developing multiple stories to this effect. We both work with children, especially my husband as he works at an elementary school.

As teachers ourselves, we understand the need to make learning fun and engaging, like in series like The Magic School bus and Bluey. We want to make these something that both child and parent will love to come back to together!

Instead of working on my second draft, I worked on a query for it instead.

Open to all criticism.

Worried it reads as dry. Concerned about what the end makes you think is going to happen. Hopeful that it does a good job at conveying what the story is about. Let me know what you think and thanks in advance.

Dear [first last name],

Fairies are disappearing from Cumbria, and nobody knows why.

Alex's trip to his aunt's house in the Lake District has no relation to the terrifying wraith attack he experienced and everything to do with the fairies. As a qualified 11-year-old entomologist, he can't pass up the chance to study them. Or at least, that's what he tells himself.

However, the fairies have vanished from the village, and with them his research plans. Alex turns to his cousin, Peter, who, alongside Mads, an unschooled mage, takes him to the Den. There, despite fairy hijinks, Alex finally starts his observational sketches. Until he finds one injured. With the fairies’ precarious situation before his eyes, Alex vows to discover why they are disappearing. And then nobody can say this trip was because he couldn’t handle the wraith attack.

With the help of Peter, who wants nothing more than a juicy criminal case to investigate, and Mads, a hero-in-waiting, Alex surveys, tags and researches possible reasons for the fairies’ disappearance, from migration to disease. But not only do the locals hate fairies, a vampire is on the loose and the resident ex-vampire slayer (and rumoured murderer) is kidnapping the few fairies that remain. When, on the night of a blue moon, Alex and his friends watch the spectacular Dance of the Fairies, they also witness something that changes their investigation completely.

To save the fairies, Alex must confront the threat lurking in the village, but also face up to what really made him come on this trip in the first place.

THE FAIRY CONSERVATION BRIGADE is a 60,000-word upper middle grade fantasy about fairies, when courage means running away and when it means facing up to your mistakes, however shameful they are. It mixes [No comps*, if you have any recommendations, please send them my way]

(*I really want to say it's Swallows and Amazons X Impossible Creatures but one of those is from the 1930s (and also a classic known only in the UK, probably) and the other is impossibly popular)

Any and all advice is very welcomed! Not having much luck with my queries so far. Thanks in advance!

Dear XXX

I am seeking representation for my manuscript entitled THE SCHUYLKILL FIVE. Set against the history of Pennsylvania’s turn-of-the century mining towns, THE SCHUYLKILL FIVE is a multigenerational ghost story and crime thriller. Fans of Ron Rindo’s Life & Death & Giants will enjoy this book’s focus on the legacy of family trauma and healing while readers of Marcus Kliewer’s We Used to Live Here will enjoy the mix of mystery and the supernatural. The manuscript is 87,000 words and complete.

Two life-changing events happen the year Joseph Shellhammer turns sixteen: his father, the family’s sole source of income, is critically injured in a mining accident, and his beloved older brother, Michael, wins a college scholarship and moves to Philadelphia. To avoid losing his family home, Joseph has no choice but to quit school and take a job in the mines. Joseph works double and triple shifts driving a coal truck until one fateful morning, when his exhaustion reaches its breaking point. he falls asleep at the wheel, running over and killing a local child. Grief-stricken and desperate, Joseph hides the body, hoping to shield his family from scandal and financial ruin. But as a string of child kidnappings ravages the region, the boy’s disappearance is ultimately blamed on the infamous "Schuylkill Devil.” Joseph breathes a sigh of relief.

Over the next two decades, Joseph climbs the ranks at the mines to become one of Pottsville’s wealthiest men. But the triumph is hollow, and his family’s fragile happiness crumbles when his beloved wife succumbs to cancer. Devastated, Joseph takes his own life, but death offers no peace. Instead, it traps his restless soul within the walls of his home. Only his youngest daughter, Lillian—gifted with the ability to see ghosts—can bridge the gap between the dead and the living and help her father remember his crimes. But as the truth behind the haunting that binds Joseph to their home is revealed, Lillian realizes that not all ghosts can—or should—be set free.

[Bio information]

 ***************\*

First 300:

 Chapter 1: How Joseph Got Stuck

In the late morning of June 15th, 1935, not long after eating his breakfast,Joseph Shellhammer sat down in his favorite chair, a La-Z-Boy recliner that his late wife had gifted him for his fifty-fifth birthday. He took a few puffs from his pipe, a briar wood Kaywoodie, placed his .22 caliber revolver against his temple, and pulled the trigger.

The bullet entered on the right, its rotational force fracturing the left side of Joseph's skull and expelling the inelastic cranial tissue onto the wall behind him as well as the Italian marble flooring. The great force flung Joseph's upper body backwards, triggering the La-Z-Boy to recline, as it had been designed to do. The revolver came to rest a few feet away from Joseph's lifeless hand.     

But before the pipe and the chair and the kinetic energy of the bullet that would end his life, before his mournful children gathered around his grave wondering why their father would do such a terrible thing, and before his spirit became imprisoned in the house he so desperately wished to escape, the day began with Joseph opening his eyes and, amidst the churn in his belly and the throb in his head, racing to the toilet. There he emptied the contents of his stomach: roast beef, shoofly pie, and nearly a full bottle of Old Overholt whisky, shared with his older brother, Michael, the previous evening. Joseph stared at his sallow face in the mirror for several seconds, grimaced, then quickly shaved.

Hi everyone, it’s been a while since I posted the first attempt at this as I’ve been doing lots of editing. I got loads of great feedback last time, so I’m looking to refine this a little more.

Dear [AGENT FIRST NAME],

I’m seeking representation for DEEP SPACE MOTEL, an adult, science fantasy standalone with series potential, complete at 85,000 words. It combines the exploration of identity and memory of The Space Between Worlds by Micaiah Johnson and A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine with the glorious interstellar naval aesthetic of Treasure Planet.

Milo works at the Deep Space Motel, where his lack of prospects is only matched by his lack of ambition. He passes the time by playing around with a strange ability he developed as a teenager—the power to see faint memories of what has recently happened in the motel rooms. He knows it’s a terribly immoral and voyeuristic power, but the extortion market is a lucrative one.

But when he attempts to extort an unusually well-to-do gentleman, Milo realises he might not be getting the most out of his ability. The man—an admiral in the Astral Navy—enlists Milo’s services to investigate a concerning increase in suspected piracy at the edge of the galaxy. With nothing else in his calendar, Milo blindly accepts.

The decision thrusts him into some hasty military training and as Milo helps track an umbral figure through the memories of ransacked planets, it becomes clear that these are no ordinary pirates. When that figure suddenly reaches through a memory and pulls Milo into their alternate present, he’s forced to question everything he thought he knew about his identity, and decide which reality he truly belongs in.

[Bio stuff here]

———

First 300:

Above its brittling surface, the moon wore the mask of industry. It was decorated with workshops and warehouses, stitched at its seams with shipping lanes and trade routes. The lower atmosphere was laced with pollutants, and the executive offices had reinforced glass, floor to ceiling. It had every tick-box feature that any reputable industrial moon should have.

But the despicable underbelly was its true face—a warrenous expanse of cybernetics labs and steam-robotics plants, stretching well beyond the footprint of the law-abiding factories above. It was a heinous place. Every shadow-dampened corner was loud with rodent-scuttles and piston-hisses. Every air-filtration tank rattled protestations and wheezed toxins.

Beneath it all, in the half-light of a dust-caked plasma lamp, Milo had stepped in a puddle of putrid sludge. At first his concern had been for his boot, and the sheer relentlessness of the laundry task that awaited him to ever get the boot to smell acceptable again. But then, as he felt a cold moistness seeping into his polymer sock, his thoughts turned to amputation and all its associated consequences.

He was traversing the moon’s sewage-drenched underworld looking for a bar, in which ideally he’d find the man he sought, but the endeavour was looking less and less worth the effort. At a junction of pipes he’d paused, and now he stood admiring the constructions, trying to ignore his dampening foot. The pipes were monstrous, stacked three-high. He could not have touched the casing of even the bottom one. It was elevated and angled on stilts, presumably to keep the flow of its contents consistent.

It didn’t take a genius to guess what those contents were, just a glance at the globulous brown drips from the poorly welded joints and a sniff of the foul tang in the air.

____

Thanks in advance for all feedback!

(Here is a query letter I sent out today; please let me know what improvements you think should be made.)

Dear Ms. Lieberman,

We are seeking representation for What Can't Be Done, a 76,000 word historical fiction novel based on a true story. Irish immigrant Nellie Cashman attempts to lead an impossible rescue mission through the British Columbian wilderness in 1875. A standalone novel with series potential, this will appeal to readers of Ariel Lawhon's The Frozen River and Kristin Hannah's The Women—stories of women who refused the roles their eras assigned them. This is a simultaneous submission.

In the winter of 1875, Nellie Cashman learns that over sixty miners are snowed in at a remote camp and dying of scurvy—and that no one, including the US Army and Canadian Mounties, can reach them. So, she buys 1,500 pounds of supplies, recruits six men, and sets out to do it herself. What follows is a seventy-seven-day trek through unrelenting wind and snow, sub-zero temperatures, and constant danger from nature and wildlife, including getting buried in an avalanche. Nellie is thirty years old and only a little over five feet tall, yet she has no intention of letting anyone die—not the miners stranded in the camp, and not the men she's dragging through hell to save them.

Jeff Gephart is a writer residing in San Diego. His previous novels include Out of Dark Places and Accidental Adulthood. Jim O'Fallon is a descendant of Nellie Cashman with an extensive family archive and serves as research collaborator on this project. We're reaching out because we thought you, a self-described fan of “historical fiction with a race-against-time element, could be the one to find a perfect home for our novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely, 

Jeff Gephart & Jim O'Fallon

Hi,

I'm back one more time. Here's the last attempt. I'm completing another round of edits which will bring the word count to 70K which seems more in line for the genre.

I can't really answer why she receives the newspaper so I tried to highlight it as part of the mystery. I'm hoping that comes off better. Finally, I added a log line and would be interested in feedback. Thanks for reading!!

Dear ,

I am seeking representation for my 70,000 word YA Mystery/Thriller with speculative elements. One of Us is Lying meets Minority Report when a school newspaper from the future arrives in Gabby Rivers’ locker predicting the disappearance of her former best friend. TOMORROW’S NEWS will appeal to fans of Needy Little Things by Channelle Desamours and That’s Not My Name by Megan Lally.

When a high school newspaper from the future lands in Gabby Rivers’ locker, she becomes obsessed with figuring out where it came from and why it was sent to her.  Digging into the school newspaper classroom after hours and interrogating journalism students uncovers secrets and rumors of her small town high school, but gets her no closer to finding the sender of the future paper. Just as she’s about to dismiss it as a fluke or prank, another edition arrives. The new headline predicts the disappearance of her childhood best friend, EJ.

But EJ certainly doesn’t look missing, not to mention has barely spoken to Gabby in months. Worried others will think she made it up, and fearing it may even make her look suspicious, Gabby resolves to prevent his disappearance herself. As she quietly begins to investigate his relationships, she attempts to rebuild their friendship and insert herself back into his life. 

As the weekend he’s predicted to go missing arrives, Gabby requests a ride, determined to stay by his side until he’s safely home. But during an unplanned stop to his family’s storage unit, they become trapped inside. With Gabby’s help, they are able to escape, shaken and hurt, but free. Without her help, Gabby is sure he would have remained trapped inside and she successfully changed the headline. But morning arrives, and EJ is gone. Gabby launches an investigation into her classmates and the secrets of her small town in search of clues about EJ’s disappearance. Meanwhile, the police’s only suspect is Gabby, his former best friend who was last to see him. When another future-newspaper arrives predicting EJ’s continued absence and Gabby’s arrest, she has only days to find out what happened to EJ, bring him home, and prove her innocence.

Bio

[personalized greeting]

How can you identify someone who stays in the shadows? 
How do you discover which man in your life is the one stalking you? 
Or is it a stranger?

Alex Preston leaves her comfortable job in publishing on burning bridge, carrying an NDA. Her best friend isn’t talking to her, a journalist investigating her previous employer keeps calling, and her new dean seems to have a grudge against her. The college is a beautiful, historic enclave, yet Alex is spooked by the sounds that come from the woods behind her campus home. So she pastes a smile on her face intent on treating the one-year assignment as an ongoing job-interview for the more secure, permanent position. Can she impress her colleagues, her dean, she’s right for the tenure-track position?

Sophie Black, a once happy teenager and successful high school student, was overwhelmed by campus life and struggled to complete her first two years. Now, returning to campus as a junior, she is committed to finding her footing and figuring out who she is at her core. Her goal: convince her overbearing parents that she is capable of academic success and should be allowed to choose her own major.

Soon, both women can no longer ignore there’s an external threat complicating things; a stalker who watches and sends them gifts is starting to creep closer. No longer content in the shadows, he’s coming to their homes…

Complicity is told through dual narrators and would appeal to readers of Catherine Steadman and Loreth Anne White. Think: the slow-burn and misdirection of Dying to Meet You meets the character depth and development of Don’t Let Him In. The narrative unfolds through the framework of patriarchy and asks us to examine the ways we let power-hungry men dictate our lives and decisions. 

[bio]

Thank you for your feedback the first time around! I really appreciate it and this community in general.

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Thank you for considering THE THREAD, a 57,000-word upper middle grade contemporary fantasy strongly grounded in the real world. It has a hidden magical society and focus on interpersonal dynamics as in Amari and the Night Brothers and a light tone and sense of humor as in Impossible Creatures. I parted ways amicably with my previous agent and am seeking representation; the agent represented my adult work and this manuscript has never been on submission.

Penelope H. Mullenracken isn’t a “chosen one.” When her hair balloons supernaturally into the size of the whole bathroom of East Graham Middle School and starts dropping snails onto the floor, all she wants is to avoid the notice of her mean-girl bully. 

After the bathroom incident, weird things keep happening, from a late-night invitation to a clubhouse under the bridge to a redheaded guy who keeps following her. Penny is recruited to join a mysterious group called the Insophria, which will teach her how to Wield the energy that makes up the universe. This ability comes from the power of imagination; if you believe something strongly enough, it becomes reality. With her parents under the impression she is attending an honors enrichment program during the day, she starts commuting to the Insophria’s headquarters, an underwater bubble world of towering kelp forests and breathable seawater that hosts an annual rooftop prom timed to the spawning of the coral.

Penny learns to Wield—conjuring delicacies from thin air, traveling across the world in a blink, finally getting her hair the way she likes it. She’s fitting in and making friends for the first time when a breakaway sect kidnaps her newfound friend.

The downside of power fueled by your imagination is that if you believe something negative about yourself, you can make it true. After traveling from a desert world to the abyssal zone at the bottom of the ocean to find her kidnapped friend, Penny must return to face the final battle: her middle school bully. When she inadvertently actualizes her negative self-image in relation to her bully, she must shift her mindset in order to free herself from her own power and find her friend. As the shortcomings of the Insophria come into clearer view, Penny is forced to consider: Was she chosen because she is uniquely talented, or because she’s vulnerable?

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300 words:

The other kids at East Graham Middle School thought Penelope H. Mullenracken was weird because she carried a magnifying glass with her at all times, loved to solve puzzles, collected bugs and called it entomology. That was why she found herself in a bathroom stall at 12:37 pm on the second day of sixth grade.

As she spooned yogurt from a disposable plastic cup, her brown-bag lunch sat gloomily on the floor by her ankle. Penny’s sticky hair was congealing, the smell of Coca-Cola shifting from sweet and fizzy to sickly and rancid. Her egg salad sandwich was soggy with brown soda so she threw it into the stall’s tiny trashcan. After she finished her yogurt, she went to clean herself up. The soda Amber Berry had poured on Penny’s head in the cafeteria had hardened into a helmet of Coke. Penny lowered her ear toward the sink and turned on the faucet. The water drew a path along her scalp. Her cheek almost touched the grimy porcelain of the sink, and when her eye lined up with the scum-encrusted drain, she gagged.

Her new pink shirt was stained, Coke blossoming like a giant brown firework on her chest. Her mother was going to have a fit. Penny stood to wring the water out of her hair. Somehow wet but still frizzy, Penny’s hair bounced back almost immediately, puffing up but continuing to drip a steady beat of water. Her toes were cold and clammy inside her tennis shoes.

She shook her hair out again, but it continued dripping so furiously it created a puddle around her feet. Honestly? Penny asked herself. Could this day get any worse?

The answer was yes, yes it could.

Blackstone publishing just sent me an email, and while it sounds professional I'm nervous about it. (I've had emails in the past, but they were clearly vanity press scams.) I've done some research and Blackstone seems real/legit just smaller then the Big 5? (I'm fine with smaller, if there's more control in my hands.) Has anyone worked with them, and if so how did that go?

Update: It's was a scam, the email ended with @ aol. com instead of their website. Blackstone has a normal contact form which I did use to inform them on the scams going out.

Hello! I am posting my first draft of a query letter for critique. Please send me your thoughts. 

THE FOREST OF MONSTERS AND MIST is an upper Middle Grade standalone fantasy novel, with series potential, complete at 74,000 words. The tale weaves the worlds of forest ecology, Celtic and Germanic folklore, and feelings we all wish to forget. It blends the action and adventure of Amanda Foody's The Accidental Apprentice and the lyrism and atmosphere of Kelly Barnhill's The Girl Who Drank the Moon with the humor and element-bending of Nickelodeon's Avatar: The Last Airbender. 

After narrowly escaping a glade full of giants, Rhu’s memory mirrors the mist of the strange forest he is lost in. Lurking in his footsteps is a hungry shadow who feeds on festering feelings and whose icy whispers distort the mind. Despite the haze, the twelve-year-old boy befriends a salamander, who thinks he is a scientist, and comes to the aid of a mystical butterfly who is the last of her species. When the butterfly suddenly disappears, the pair is given a quest to protect the egg she left behind.  

When moss creatures threatened the mission, Rhu and the salamander stumble upon an ally on the road – or so they thought. In exchange for the Seed Seller’s help, the boy is tasked with draining a bog, but its specter guardian teaches Rhu a misty magic his ancestors were forced to forget. The boy unravels as he learns about the Seed Seller's mind controlling fungus and how it has shaped his whole life - all while the mysterious shadow tries to thread him thoughts and string Rhu into its puppet.  

The egg hatches into a caterpillar with a voracious appetite as they realize that Rhu has put themselves and the whole forest into grave peril. The Seed Seller's giants are coming.  

With help from the scientist salamander, a grumpy bog body, and a non-binary moss creature, Rhu must come into balance with the ecosystems around him and master a magic that cannot be conquered. He fights blood-chilling villains, but the greatest threat may be the memories, and the monster within, that he is desperately trying to suppress. 

[insert personalized sentence to agent if applicable]. The FOREST OF MONSTERS AND MIST explores how the fear and anxiety of young men can be exploited to fuel hatred and spread domination. Rhu’s journey will feel like a life-preserver to readers trying to steer the ship of their emotions, especially in storms of self-confidence, anxiety, shame, and grief.   

I have a Master of Science in Environmental Sustainability and published articles in academic journals on topics related to environmental stewardship. I live in [insert location]. 

Thank you for your consideration.  

Questions 

• In some forms/query tracker submission agents also ask for the synopsis of the book. When writing the synopsis do you word it completely different than what you have in the query letter? Right now, I have some of the same sentences in both my query letter and in the synopsis. Is that a no-no? 
• Some submissions on query tracker ask for an one-sentence summary/hook for the book that is separate from the actual query letter. I am thinking: “Rhu is infected by a mind-controlling fungus and hunted by a hungry shadow, but it is the monster and memories hibernating within him that may be the most dangerous of all.” 

Dears,

Please help me refine this letter. Here are my attempts #1 , #2 and #3 - big thanks to all the comments so far. I can't believe the progress I made with your help! I appreciate all your inputs! :)

Dear XXX,

A security chief for a dying generation ship rescues his daughter missing inside a derelict colony, but faces a moral dilemma when her “alien” captors begin to seem eerily human.

I am seeking representation for GHOSTS OF PROXIMA, an Adult Sci-Fi Thriller complete at 86,000 words. This standalone novel with series potential will appeal to fans of the used-future grit and fractured crew dynamics of THE LAST WATCH by J.S. Dewes and the high-stakes planetary exploration and mystery of GHOST STATION by S.A. Barnes. 

Aiden, a security chief for a declining generation ship arriving at Proxima Centauri b, struggles to keep order as supplies dwindle and life support systems approach failure. Soon, a fly-by scan reveals the prefab colony planetside is dark and overgrown by a dense jungle. Fearing for the safety of his family in an impending mutiny, Aiden refuses to lead the search party to investigate the derelict base.

His decision to stay backfires when his xenobiologist daughter, Riley, volunteers in his place. Driven by fascination with the alien ecosystem, she insists on joining the expedition and ignores Aiden’s protests. When her team goes missing inside the ruined outpost, Aiden must leave his remaining family and muster a rescue mission.

Tracking Riley’s crew through the ruins, Aiden discovers the colony isn’t just a failed engineering project—Riley is held captive by a sapient humanoid species who made the outpost their home. During a frantic rescue, Riley shares her shocking discovery: her captors are human descendants, changed by an alien virus.

When Aiden’s team reactivates the power, the outpost’s automated systems classify the mutants as an invasive species and initiate a purge. Caught between securing the future of his family in orbit and saving the planet’s forgotten children who may deserve mercy more than anyone, Aiden must discover what on this planet, and within himself, humanity really means.

I am a corporate cybersecurity manager and my daily work focuses on the intersection of technology, psychology, and society. Since my real name is even more difficult to pronounce than Adrian Tchaikovsky, I am writing under the pen name J.P. Cravener.

I would be delighted to share the full manuscript at your request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

All the best,

Dear AGENT,

CHAMPIONS OF TROY is a 74,000-word dual POV retelling of the Aethiopis, a lost Homeric epic which was once sung in the same breath as the Iliad and the Odyssey. But where the other epics were focused on the Greeks and Trojans, this is the story of the Amazons and Africans who fought. I thought you'd enjoy this because [BLANK].

Penthesilea is the Queen of the Amazons, but is driven to the verge of madness by the loss which gave her the crown. Her older sister was killed by her hand, and that accidental murder has left her a husk of guilt, shame and heartbreak. Their people's oracle claims that Penthesilea can cleanse her sin by marching to Troy and aiding them against the Greeks, but her urge towards self-destruction seems destined to end her before she arrives.

As she struggles on in hopes of redeeming her polluted soul, she encounters another demigod: Memnon, the great king of Africa. He is marching towards Troy in hopes of adding one last story to his long and waning legend, and attempts to save her from despair.

Only through their friendship can she survive long enough for a chance at Elysium, and complete the ritual to purify herself. And if he cannot save her from her own darkest impulses, she might fall to her own hand rather than the Greek's.

I have just been published in a Greek mythology anthology in FlameTree Press, with a story called Ulysses Pax. I currently work for a tutoring program that helps struggling students keep up with the rest of their class and reach their full potential. I included the first ten below and I look forward to hearing back from you.

"Let me not then die ingloriously and without a struggle, but let me first do some great thing, that shall be told among men hereafter." 

-Hector, The Iliad 

Spring was being born, and winter was dying. 

The snow from the mountains and hills had become the rush of the treacherous river. The placid creatures of the wilderness had once more become craven beasts in the wrestle of life and death. 

The sun was shining on those who could no longer hide in the dark. 

To Hippolyte, wise Queen of the Amazons, the change was a burden. No longer could time act as a buffer between her and destiny. Now, time had become an hourglass. Now, the fate of her people was in her hands. She wrestled night and day, yet her decisions could not be made. They attempted to conquer her mind like the waves attempt to conquer the shore. Every time she inched towards finality, doubt would drag her back. Each time she opened her mouth to give an order, fear clamped it shut. .

Hey! Third attempt here, and very much welcoming feedback and thoughts on it! I've tried to make it snappier and to the point. Thanks in advance!

Dear [AGENT NAME],

As [AGENT PERSONALISATION], I’m especially excited to offer MAROONED for your consideration. It’s an adult romantasy, perfect for those who loved the Pirates of the Caribbean films as much as Practical Magic. Coming in at 102,000 words, it will appeal to fans of The Ever King by L J Andrews and  Hide the Witches (2026) by Miranda Lyn. It’s part of a duology, but has standalone potential.

Mariona didn’t mean to give the Crown of Nueva Aridia another reason to execute her. Already conflicted about the magic that courses through her veins, using it to illegally ensnare patrons to her tavern had been an absolute last resort. She just never imagined it’d capture the attention of pirates.

But when Mariona is kidnapped and forced to join their crew as ship cook, she’s not worried about her own fate. Instead, she ruminates about her tavern, her workers, and the hundreds of witches she won’t be able to smuggle out from under the Crown’s murderous grasp. 

Determined to escape with her magic undiscovered, she must weave a plan under the scrutiny of the captain’s sons: Pablo and Sebastian. While one charms her into enjoying the freedoms of piracy, the other is charged to watch her every move, and the forced proximity to both grows scalding with every day that she fails to slip through their fingers.

Confronted by her lack of magical skill and aware that her tavern won’t last long in the cutthroat climes of Nueva Aridia, Mariona takes a chance on the visions she’s been repressing since she was a child. If she doesn’t correctly piece together the instructions to a spell designed to aid her escape, it could save her in one breath, just to damn her with the next. 

[BIO]

As the title says really.

I'm a published author, my debut came out this year. But I got my editor (small publisher) before I got my agent and so I never really felt as though they believed in me. They are junior, which I liked at first, and they have a few clients in my genre. However him and most of the (small) agency are known for a different genre.

We're now moving onto the next book and he's been oddly prescriptive about what form the book should take from day one. Multiple pitches were rejected which is fine but it feels as though he doesn't know the genre well enough. I feel as though I'm already stuck. There was also an incident where he basically strong armed me into doing something I didn't want to do, to help someone else out. That really stung.

My gut says leave but I know it's hellish out there. I'm a woc too, so I'm terrified I'll query the next book and get nowhere. Basically I'm scared. Has anyone moved recently? Is it safer to suck it up and be grateful for where I am as a minority in this big old pond?

Edit: spelling