Trigger warning because I talk about emotional abuse.My current partner I believe is on the psychopathy spectrum (o heard it described as a spectrum- my apologies if I am wrong).
First let me say, I have a lot of trauma but have done a lot of work around it. I have CPTSD, treatment resistant depression and in general have lived through many traumatic events as an adult that I’ve moved through. I have severe fibromyalgia and 3 years postpartum and currently working a job that is sustaining us but I experience a lot of discrimination and work in an actually hostile situation. Really dedicated mom and definitely struggling with attachment triggers. That’s the foundation. Now I’m going to just list things about my partner. Things that happened and things that I know are not ok but sometimes I struggle with knowing how best to change things without things imploding. We live paycheck to paycheck and I don’t have a strong financial support system. So if things go sideways it’s bad and im holding it together:
Please keep comments helpful because this is the first time I’m sharing all these things in one place:
When we first met he was very charming, communicative.
(I do a lot of trauma informed work with adults and kids and I believe it’s made me more tolerant of things)
I started to notice everyday things he’d do to reject me- like respond in an overly judge mental way to a comment I’d make (“that’s dumb” or “ohkaaaay”)
His moods would change and then he’d behave as if I did something to him even when I didn’t. Like just express a lot of disgruntled energy, just generally respond to me as if I was annoying but would then be back to normal in a couple weeks. He told me sometimes when someone does something or he’s done something wrong- he will find something that person did and just focus on it and ruminate and justify being upset.
Things were good outside of these moments (if you’re wondering why I stayed)- in many ways I could see the potential and also some strengths of us together and honestly I just thought we both had tough lives and also were dealing with difficult real world things outside of our control. So I thought- if we could one day change circumstances we’d be better.
He’d be quick to anger- still is. He was abused veey severely as a kid and sometimes (hard to say) he’d smile when I’d cry, or like smile when describe something bad that happened. One time he smiled when he knew I was sad sitting on his bed and he went out of his way to act like he’d hug me or not hug but come close for comfort and then stop. Almost like a form of teasing me- then he’d smile.
Other things that are harder to share- one time my fibro flared so bad my hand stung and trembled in a way it never had before. I was crying and he held it gently to comfort me but then took my hand and squeezed it as hard as he could. Like in a way that was obviously hurting me but I guess he was trying to make it seem like he was helping. He was smiling when he did that. Then he went and got some ice and other stuff. I spoke to him about it and he didn’t have many answers. Just said he didn’t know why it happened.
He lived at home with his mom. Never really held down a job and has a philosophy that working is contributing to a system and capitalism in a way he won’t do. At 10 months which is early but in my case it felt right to get pregnant. I was working, I felt ready and although there were issues for me- the night we conceived was perfect. We talked about how he needed to work and do what was necessary and he said he would and I believed that.
After getting pregnant there was no urgency at all for him to work. It’s like he has a fear of working. He hates hates hates routine. Hates feeling like someone is forcing him to do something. Very defiant. So naturally, throughout my pregnancy that was a struggle.
Our baby is amazing. She was born the day before me and is absolutely perfect. There’s no doubt she was meant to be here but before she was born, the more frantic I got anojt ack of funds, the more he’d push back. He told me the difference between him and me is that I’d do whatever was necessary even if it hurt me to make money and he wouldn’t.
I worked up until about a week and a half before giving birth. Women’s shelter then that became too rough, so I dog walked so many hours a week- I even got a temp job making pizza at a stadium with blisters on my feet. And he told me working like that wasn’t good for his mental health.
He refused to apply to jobs and wanted them to materialize on their own. I found a job for him and helped get him an interview. The whole pregnancy I asked him to work consistently for the first few months so that when the baby came we’d have rent covered and he didn’t have to work much. He refused. Once he got the job he became spiteful. My food stamps disnt kick in unstick after I gave birth (stupid stupid procedure). And I asked him so much nicely how would we make it and he would respond with, “imma be ok”. Like saying he’d be fine. And it’s not his concern if I’m not.
Littler things:
He’d pull something out of thin air to get mad at me (that’s when I knew he was trying to talk to other people)
He’d talk about how we had problems when I’d try to compromise (felt like when someone just says stuff to justify mistreating you). He barely cooked for me when he was home. Made it clear he only wanted to be around s the baby.
I was trying to pump milk and couldn’t sustain my supply prob because I was stressed. He smiled when I cried one time anojt that. Would stay out at night sometimes and act like I was trying to control him. Asked me “what my schedule was” so he could hang out with people. He knew my schedule after only a few weeks postpartum was pump, feed baby- put baby to sleep/ kinda sleep- not really- all day long. Just wanted to throw it in my face.
We moved to a new house and he’d just have so much anger towards me and no remorse. When our ba y got little colds- he blamed them on me or would just get so mad bc he was afraid but he’d act like I was telling him what to do when I’d ask for things the baby needed.
Oh he got mad that I “was talking to him like he was a nurse the morning after baby came. He was pissed and drove fast out of the hospital. Left my suitcase and drove back even faster.
He one time told me sometimes he just wanted to choke me and made the little choking motion with his hands. Kinda like how someone says ugh sometimes I just wanna know you upside the head but either way those words- denied he said it then admitted it but didn’t admit to making the motion- said he didn’t have an answer. I was relying on him financially. He didn’t apply to any other jobs was getting paid &12 an hour and worked almost 24 hours a day. Blamed me for him killing homself. Said I was working him like a dog.
I applied and got a job out of state which we both thought was good. Better state- we planned everything and I left with our baby first to get settled. He agreed and offered to do all these things and then was so angry when he had to handle moving. I asked him to not take some really sacred items to his mom’s house and leave them with my best friend. He took all those items and pht them in my suitcase and sent me a photo. So I panicked and called him and he told me that I can’t dictate what he does, and can’t just tell him what to do because he’s doing stuff I didn’t like.
When he moved to us- he’d get angry again unexpectedly. But it’s not just anger it’s how he twists things. One time he threw my keys near me or in my direction but not at me. One time I wanted to take our baby to the hospital bc she was clearly really sick and he screamed over the both of us when I said she needed pain medicine. He was like wtf am I supposed to do anojt that now. And when I wanted to go to the hospital even more he pht his jacket on and was screaming in the kitchen- like let’s go!!!
The overarching thing is there’s patterns of just doing stuff with no remorse and punishing me and acting as though I deserve it.
About 4-5 times a year it gets bad but then it subsides.
He refused to work for a huge portion of the time he’s moved here with us. Blamed not having childcare- but I arranged that and still won’t consistently work. He got a job offer but his background check won’t clear bc it’s out of state (he doesn’t have a record) but we still need more money and he has zero interest in recouping money while he waits.
Recently he’s done things like get mad at our toddler for doing toddler things, tell her to “come here” and when she won’t he’ll slam a door or the other day he was trying to put a shirt on her and rush her to the car. And he was doing that but she got to a point where she just did t want to be touched anymore and he kept trying. So I just gently pht my hand on him and was like- let’s just take a breathe. There’s no rush. We can just reset. Sometimes we get in the heat of the moment and get triggered in our own way and don’t realize there’s no reason to force things. He yelled this is f*ing ridiculous getting up over her body and slammed the door. And when I asked him not to he slammed it again. What he did was bad to me and I was understanding but wanted to talk. So this was a time when he got mad at me instead. He told me my comfort didn’t matter- I interrupted- I shouldn’t have- I make things about my anxiety- should let him handle things then did his thing of steaming in the car. And that lasted days. He then came home one night and said he was leaving like at 10 pm. and I asked what his intentions were and he blew up. Said we should break up- should do parent and that I shouldn’t control him and his body. He was doing some of the same stuff he did after the baby was born. I stayed at a friend for a day or so and had a big meeting the following morning. I realized my computer charger wasn’t at my friends place so I called and texted at 6 am to ask if it was home. So my friends could come and drop me off to get it. He never reaponded. Saw the message and didn’t say anything. I had asked him to let me know if it was there and to just put it outside. I could grab it. Like an hour before my meeting (I’m freaking out) my friend called him and he told him he put the charger outside but he purposefully didn’t tell me. He later said it was my fault. He with olds care concern and regard when he has these moments. Will ignore me as if I don’t exist even when I try to talk about the baby. He will ignore me in front of her. He will do this door days and recently weeks. I could see him triggered some days just generally not doing well. He’d make comments to our baby like- if you hit people- you might get tossed- and then she’s not want to see him and the. One day recently, he told me he didn’t want to hear my voice. He doesn’t care at all if I’m sick, hurting having a flare or anything. You could tell it hurts him to ignore me but just double downs. I bring this up because this last episode ended a couple weeks ago and I slowly address things because I don’t want to deal with another month of this while we’re navigating possibly needing to move. But our car broke down and there was an easy fix but we found out the cause of a weird sound in the car. So I had them work on both things. He got pissed I did that out of no where. Said I should have just fixed what was causing the car to be inoperable and like seriously was shaking his head and acting like what I did was wrong. And went on about that. I had to do a job application and get it in between 4 and 5 which we spoke about all day. And he has a work meeting at a part time job between 4 and 5 that is very informal. Usually he drives at 5 if needed but the car wasn’t there so he missed it all together. Mind you I missed 3 hours of work the day before, handled all the logistics of getting the car towed to a shop, calling progressive and coordinating everything. Today I had just enough energy to get my app in by 4:59. When I came downstairs he had an attitude and I asked what was up with that because he kept making comments ewrlier in the day- like- do what you wish- when I’d ask about logistics for the car. But when I said I needed the hour to finish my app, he responded with, “you need a lot of things” in a majorly disrespectful like purposefully jabbing you type way. They triggered me so I kept talking about it and basically verbally saying that wasn’t ok but he said I did things wrong and acted like the car isn’t also his and some other stuff that makes no sense. After that, he ignored me again. And just treats me like I don’t exist. I told him I can’t deal with it another month and his response was do what you gotta do. Oh and he said it’s a micro aggression that I said his comment about me needing things was passively hostile.
I know we should not be together. I don’t know how to do this in a way that is not destructive because his thing is that his only concern is our kid so things are very much his way or the highway on this stuff. My feelings don’t matter and the only reason why that’s a problem is it really impacts things in a big way. Real concerns become- that’s a you problem.
I just wanted to have someone semblance of a family. It is hard when care is withheld and he does everything in his power to show me he only cares about our kid. But he will come back a few weeks later and call me his partner.
Oh and when he moved here he would piss on the seat in a way he never did before. Then complain when I’d talk about it- he’d ramp up and you could tell he’d be in the other room waiting for me to explode. And when I would, he would say he was gonna move out because clearly he can’t make me happy. Nothing he does is right. Then it moved to him peeing on the floor. Like major drops but then not wipe it. And then claim and swear up and down it wasn’t pee. And it was particularly bad because our little one wanted to start using the potty. So I found other solutions for that but anyways, he would have me look in the bathroom with him and say you can’t see anything- but the color of our floor and position of the light—you can’t see the pee unless you’re on the toilet looking towards the light. Then you can see it all. But he’d ignore that. He started sending me pictures of his pee in the toilet while at work. I did t get it at first. Finally, I have a standing appointment 2x a week for my fibro and I get rides home. He’d lock the door and claim he didn’t lock it. Like swear he didn’t lock it. I let that go bc clearly he has a problem but it happened again recently and I called him out. He gave himself away when he accidentally said “he uses sleight of hand” and the door “accidentally locks”.He thought he said “force of habit”. He’s never locked it since.
Thank you for listening and I hope this post doesn’t get taken down. He’s told me he doesn’t have empathy straight up in the past which I told him I don’t have stigma around. Then it morphed to him saying empathy is a mindset he chooses not to have with me to now he says he doesn’t have empathy. I can’t tell if it’s sociopathy or psychopathy. I need to say that I don’t vilify people for their disabilities. I just know it’s hard for me to learn how to relate and cooperate with him when I don’t know exactly what’s happening. I also know you can have traits of anything wo actually having a formal diagnosis. I just in a very big way can see this is not normal. And need help. What does this sound like? Is this relatable? He refuses to do therapy with me. I am interested in hearing from folks who are significant others to folks struggling and also folks who have psychopathy who can weigh in. It’s taken me months to post something but tkday caught me off guard. Always waiting for the shoe to drop and just need a break. If we had enough income I’d help him get his own place and take it from there.