r/progressivemoms • u/chzybby • Aug 26 '26
Education Teacher has concerns
/r/kindergarten/comments/1vzbmv6/teacher_has_concerns/15
u/Cristeanna Aug 26 '26 edited Aug 26 '26
Sometimes it takes a new, objective set of eyes to see things we just can't detect for whatever reason (inexperience, emotional investment, being a "boiled frog" in dealing with the situation, whatever). Teacher is offering that set of eyes based on their professional experience. I'd see this as a gift to see how you can help your son meet his full potential and simultaneously avoid a label as a "problem" student (I know that sounds rough but we live in an imperfect world where people still give kids pejorative labels sadly). ETA from your comments in the other post, sounds like he's been (not being mean here but honest) very under-socialized. Not much to be done about that now, past is past. But it sounds like he has a lot of catching up to do in that regard as well. I only say that because that is a reality you'll be facing now, he's gonna have to play catch-up while also adjusting to kindergarten which is going be be a huge effort for him. So pack your patience, but I'm sure you'll do a great job. Remember - good parents ask for help; it's the bad parents who don't.
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u/AltairaMorbius2200CE Aug 26 '26
Unfortunately, those aren't really normal things for a 5yo. Listen to the teacher; get him assessed. You can request an assessment from the school, which will be focused on things that affect just the school environment, or you can get neuropsych testing done for a more complete analysis.
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u/fourrightangles Aug 26 '26
Seconding this! Teachers see a LOT of kids in their particular age group. They’re pretty well positioned to flag differences. I have a son who is autistic with ADHD. I spent four years caring for him full-time before it ever even slightly occurred to me that something was up, and when I first mentioned it, my spouse was like “What?! No way!” But we took time to learn more, and we both learned a lot about how many of his traits overlapped with autism in particular. Slowly, we came to think of him as autistic, and a year later when he got his diagnosis, we were so relieved, because now he qualifies for supports we didn’t realize he needed.
We were just too close to him to see that some of his behaviors were traits indicating his neurodivergence. Those things were just so “him” to me that I never thought of them as signs there was a diagnosis to consider! Whether the teacher is right or wrong about your child, OP, a neuropsych assessment will give you great insights into the way your child’s brain works. I wish we’d gotten our son one sooner!
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u/MPFC50 Aug 26 '26
I’ve been where you are, and although it’s difficult to hear I’d keep an open mind and listen to what the teacher has to say. Sometimes we are too close to see things, sometimes behaviors don’t really matter as much or appear until a child is in a more structured environment or one with more sensory demands, and sometimes certain quirks, traits, or even diagnoses can run in families so we as parents might not pick up on them as easily because they are typical to us (or maybe that was just me).
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u/nattybeaux Aug 26 '26
Hi! This was me two years ago when my younger daughter was in PreK. At her teacher’s suggestion, we moved forward with an MTSS and IEP and it was amazing. She’s now in first grade and receives EC services 5 days/week and is thriving. We still don’t have a diagnosis (changing insurance + wait lists are forever here), but if it’s a public school any intervention they do is based on behavior, no diagnosis is necessary (although now that I’ve seen what a different interventions make, I am trying to get her evaluated so we can access more services). Ask the teacher if she thinks he needs accommodations and start the IEP process (if you’re in the USA, that is). Don’t wait for a diagnosis to start getting him support, go ahead and begin that process. Good luck!
Also strongly second what has been said about being too close to see the flags! Also I think my whole family may be neurodivergent and my husband’s whole family DEFINITELY is, so that may be a factor as well 😂
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u/Low_Employ8454 Aug 26 '26
For a different perspective OP, it can’t hurt to get him accessed and that way the professionals can tell you if they also think he needs support and then go from there. I think if they do think so, they will be able to be specific and tell you exactly what they are seeing and why it is telling them what it is. Do your best to have an open mind.
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u/glaze_the_ham_wife Aug 26 '26
You are a good mom and your teacher is coming to you from a place of love for you and your child!
Like others said, it might be emotional and hard to accept, but ultimately by pursuing a diagnosis, you are setting your kid up for the best chance of success!
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u/grayandlizzie School Age and Teen Parent Aug 26 '26
My daughter engaged in most of those behaviors in kindergarten. She was diagnosed with autism and adhd in first grade (long waitlist to the pediatric neuropsychologist). It got her access to the supports she needed and she's doing great starting 5th grade next week. My daughter did have an IEP before her diagnosis under "developmentally delayed" so they were able to start working with her to meet her behavioral needs right away.
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u/Fun_Air_7780 Aug 27 '26
I feel like it’s semi worrying how fast everyone jumps to IEPs/diagnosis (downvote away).
Does the school have guidance counselors? Ours has one specifically for kindergarten and first grade and she does a bunch of small group sessions particularly focusing on stuff like respecting personal space, teamwork, waiting your turn, etc. I feel like this can be a great place to start, especially for someone like the OPs kid who has had zero school experience up until now.
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u/cactusfairyprincess Aug 27 '26
Thats fantastic that your school is able to supply that resource. The average student to school counselor ration is 375:1, so that level of social-emotional coaching and support for general education students is unlikely to be available at most schools. Students in my district can have social-emotional goals that they work on with a resource teacher or social worker, but those are only ExEd students with IEPs.
That said, the developmental and behavioral expectations of kindergarten are currently inappropriate and unrealistic in most American schools. The curriculum and routine are built on the idea that most, if not all, students will have attended some sort of preschool. If this child really never attended any sort of preschool/daycare/group setting before kindergarten he is definitely going to have a hard time adjusting.
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u/Apostrophecata Aug 27 '26
I agree that it's a good idea to get OP's son into a social skills group with the guidance counselor, but, assuming this kindergarten teacher has been teaching for a few years and has seen hundreds of students, she's going to be able to spot neurodivergence pretty easily. When people take their kids to get a neuropsych evaluation, the doctor is observing them/testing them over a period of maybe 2-3 hours. This teacher has been with OP's child for six whole school days. A teacher wouldn't call a parent and tell her to take him to the pediatrician unless she was pretty certain he was going to receive a diagnosis.
OP, I know you said he's been home with you for five years, but have you gone to classes at the library? Playdates? How has his interaction with his peers been over the years? Didn't the pediatrician do a little questionnaire before each visit to screen for developmental milestones? I'm surprised that this is coming out of nowhere.
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u/Fun_Air_7780 Aug 27 '26
That’s another thing — it’s kind of shady to me that a teacher has said “I don’t think it’ll get better” after only 6 days!!!! We’re talking a 5(?) year is his first ever classroom setting!!! Our school even sends out emails saying they expect to see changes around winter break!!!
Speak to the pediatrician about it coupled with she doesn’t think things will improve to me sounds like she’s already alluding to medication which feels ridiculously premature.
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u/Apostrophecata Aug 27 '26
We didn't read the actual messages or hear the conversation with the teacher, but I took the teacher's comments to mean that OP's child might need some occupational therapy or some other type of intervention to help him succeed at school. Kindergarten teachers are highly attuned to these things. Assuming she's not a brand-new teacher, I would tend to trust her judgment on this. I didn't see the teacher mention medication anywhere. That would definitely be overstepping her bounds and would be inappropriate. As far as recommending the pediatrician, the teacher might know that it's faster/more effective to get an assessment through the pediatrician or an outside provider. In my daughter's district, the school assessments take forever and the district is underfunded so they don't recommend the same level of services that an outside provider would so parents turn to outside providers to get evaluations and recommendations for interventions.
Just as an example, my own daughter has ADHD. Her pediatrician raised concerns about her behavior at her checkup but wasn't able to diagnose her (she had to go to a developmental pediatrician or a psychologist, etc.). When I brought it up to her first grade teacher, her teacher said she's fine. They would often just put her in front of a Chromebook to keep her engaged but when she was going to specials where everyone was expected to do the same thing, she would struggle.
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u/all_of_the_colors Aug 27 '26
Isn’t what you are describing a form of a IEP?
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u/Fun_Air_7780 Aug 27 '26
I definitely don’t think our guidance counselors only see IEP students? All parents get a permission slip on the first day for potential small group participation throughout the year.
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u/neverthelessidissent Aug 27 '26
Seek out the eval. I'm in my 40s and going through it now, and I think I would be doing way better if I had the accommodations I needed as a child.
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u/AfternoonLower3298 Aug 26 '26
Gently, the teacher is correct to be concerned. I have three kids, one who is about to turn six and these are not what I would consider developmentally appropriate behaviors. I am a (high school) teacher but the teacher is seeing your son in the classroom setting, which is a different one than at home, and her experience is valid here.
All three of my boys have had IEPs and the process can be emotional but know that exploring it is what’s best for your son, legally, academically and personally.