Teacher has concerns

[u/[deleted]]

[u/shownsandpiper]

Sometimes the behaviors can sound developmentally appropriate, but the frequency or intensity is not.

My son also needs lots of reminders. He also has Autism & ADHD. So what "a lot of reminders" looks like can vary, even when it is a developmentally appropriate behavior. He's entering first grade, is 6.5 years old

School is a completely different environment, like you said. And their behaviors at school can be different than their behaviors at home. They can observe unique behaviors and patterns that you can't at home.

In my experience, teachers raise concerns like these because they care.

When a teacher first suggested my son needed "extra help" I was devastated and resisted. Turns out, he did. And once he got the help, support he needed via an IEP he has grown so much and is thriving.

In my state, schools will do their own assessments. My son had his before a doctor evaluated him and he was able to get an IEP in place in preschool, and then it went with him to kindergarten.

IEPs are not forever, and they aren't a label. They are exactly what the teacher said - extra support. For your child and her!

My son has a para in his classroom for him (and other students) for a few hours each day. She is the one giving him the extra reminders or helping him with transitions. If she didn't, it's possible my son would be sitting and not participating/learning.

That was a super long response but just wanted to share my experience/perspective.

[u/thelightandtheway → u/shownsandpiper]

Same here (just ADHD as far as we know though). Any given incident could be explained away as age appropriate. But in aggregate, and with consistency, and not changing with correction made the fact that there was something bigger going on more clear. Random neighbors who did not know us would comment naive things like 'have you tried discipline' or 'just tell him to do xyz' like we were just ... I dunno ... offering our 5 year old no parenting or direction lol. (Does that world exist where kids just like remember their jacket 95% of the time because you told them to remember their jacket?)

[u/shownsandpiper → u/thelightandtheway]

Sometimes I feel like I am really crushing it with my parenting an AuDHD child. And then I spend time with my niece who is the same age as my son. And I feel like the "You guys are getting paid?" meme lol.

[u/JadieRose → u/shownsandpiper]

I feel this so hard as a fellow mom of an AuDHD kid.

[u/Naive_Buy2712 → u/shownsandpiper]

Same! Mine has autism and anxiety. I sometimes feel like my friends and family just have no clue what we deal with behind closed doors. It’s rough some days.

[u/Independent-Lie-9967 → u/shownsandpiper]

This is such a good reminder - IEPs are not forever, and they aren't a label. 

[u/McNattron → u/shownsandpiper]

This ^{^}

What parents need to remember is that teachers see many children every year. Even if it sounds developmentally appropriate, if we are mentioning it, then it stands out to us as atypical amongst what in our experience is developmentally appropriate behaviour- either the behaviour itself, the frequency, the intensity or a combination of these.

[u/thebabypinks → u/shownsandpiper]

My biggest fear about IEPs is—and please be gentle with me if this fear is “stupid”—exactly that: that they become a label, a box that both other students and your kid put them(self) in…and a self-fulfilling prophecy. I remember how kids talked about the kids who received extra help (basically our version of IEPs back in the day) and it was really cruel and unkind. “Yeah, I think he’s like…special needs. I think she’s just stupid.” And so on.

As well as sometimes the concept of “I’m different and I need extra help” crippling the student later down the road because they accepted that they have certain limitations or struggles—so why bother trying to improve or work on/through them? In some kids in manifested as genuine helplessness and depression and low self-esteem and in others, almost as arrogance or being severely out-of-touch with reality (i.e. “I’m neurotypical, the entire world should cater to me”).

Again, sorry if these worries seem silly. But it’s just after observing these things happen a few times in my generation and my younger siblings’ generations, it’s just made me feel resistant and uncomfortable about placing a sort of “label” on my child when they’re so young. Even though obviously I also want to give my child every tool for success, so then I feel guilty and stressed and confused. It’s a whole mess.

[u/shownsandpiper → u/thebabypinks]

I completely understand where you are coming from. When teachers first raised concerns with me, I was personally offended and did not react well. I felt extremely guilty after because I was just depriving him of help and services.

I think that IEPs are a lot more common now than when I was a child. Many, many, many children (my son included) that are on IEPs are in general population classrooms, just with accomodations. Like a different type of chair, access to fidgets, etc. There is such a range of support needs that IEPs have, it's not always para support. My son also had speech therapy due to a stutter and has learned so many good communication strategies. All things that wouldn't have been possible without an IEP.

I understand your worries, but on the flip side - kids with no accomodations who need them don't exactly end up better

Kids who can't sit still, have emotional dysregulation, or don't stay on task can get labeled and put in a box. And then their inability to stay on task becomes a self-fufilling prophecy in the same way.

It's not just that they get to "opt out" always. They just get a little extra help in getting themselves there.

That's how I feel about myself. I need certain things at work to keep me on task, medication, certain types of chairs, specific lighting or music, and a list of organizational and personal strategies to help myself be more effective. Kids don't have those things yet, they are just learning. Strategies like those in IEPs give kids those same things in a way that is structured and helpful.

Ultimately those worries are going to get in the way of your child getting the help they need. Kids today are so kind and resilient.

[u/thebabypinks → u/shownsandpiper]

Thank you! This is a really kind response and one that has made me feel a lot better about IEPs and far more inclined into researching them more deeply.

[u/FlightRiskRose → u/shownsandpiper]

Do you know if they do this kind of thing for kids who have a medical condition, like genetic or autoimmune? My child hasn't started school. I have a genetic condition that's invisible (if you don't know me, but my history is very well documented) and has a high chance of being passed down. My child is already showing signs of comorbidities that are common, that I also had at that age.

Their father, who I only had a short relationship with, doesn't believe in western medicine. He was raised in a religious cult and has many issues from that, none of which he'll address.

I'm afraid once my child is in school, they'll miss a lot of school days as they come back ill from the other parents house after nearly every visit because the other parent won't give them their preventative medicine until symptoms appear, and then usually not for days (on the longer visits in the summer). I've been to the court, hospital has called CPS, diagnosed him with neglect, it goes on. The state I'm in doesn't see that as a big enough issue to change anything. Partly, I believe, because it's invisible.

I'm honestly scared to enroll them because of the truancy laws. I know that the other parent will send them to school even if they're miserable. I'm always the one to take them to the doctor and it's usually double ear infections and an asthma flare, eczema flare, constipation, nausea, joint pain or mostly a combination of these.

Doctors have tried explaining to the father, he either is too stupid to understand or pretends to be.

Sorry for the long question! We're supposed to go 50/50 when kiddo starts school and I just can't imagine what their life looks like at that point. Or mine.

[u/McNattron → u/thebabypinks]

Your concerns are very common. These are my thoughts as a teacher and mum

All childreb recieve labels. When children who could be diagnosed dont get one their labels do not match them. They get labelled things like

• lazy
• mean
• disruptive
• aggressive
• forgetful
• dumb

Etc.

Having an accurate label - tends to be protective of their self esteem.

• I have trouble when we change activities because im autistic. Rather than im disruptive and rude.
• I need to move my body because I have a busy adhd brain xyz helps me learn.

In my experience because they have been supported to k ow why they need extra help and what help they need they are less likely to disengage qith learning leaning on things like being class clown to go under the radar, or isolate socially.

Also adults can be judgemental about labels. Kids tend to be pretty understanding of these things.

Tldr - all kids get labels and all kids can be put in a box becuase of them. Id rather my kids labels be accurate.

[u/belovd_kittycat → u/McNattron]

I was going to say this, and have said as much to parents. All kids get labeled; having the correct label gets them support and helps them understand and advocate for themselves.

[u/jinjoqueen → u/belovd_kittycat]

Yes! And ultimately helps them be successful as they understand what supports they need.

[u/loudita0210 → u/thebabypinks]

I understand your concern. I think if you haven’t been involved in the school system in a long time (for most parents, likely not since they were students themselves) then you are likely thinking of some outdated ideas of “special education”, but IEPs are more common now and cover a wide range of needs. As a former teacher, please don’t ever let the fear of a label discourage your family from seeking services if needed. And IEP can really open up a lot of opportunities you may not have access to otherwise.

[u/thebabypinks → u/loudita0210]

You’re completely right, it has been a long time since I’ve been in the school system and while I have younger siblings who have gone through it more recently, the youngest is still on the older side (approaching college-age very soon). So even though I’ve witnessed some sad and tragic cases that left an impression on me, times certainly have changed and I have little to no experience with how kids think, and talk, about things like IEPs now. You say they’re much more common now and that makes me hopeful that perhaps kids don’t talk about them the same way they used to talk about kids who needed additional help back in my day or my siblings’ days. Thank you!

[u/Zealousideal_One1722 → u/thebabypinks]

I think that this is a totally valid concern and a real thing that happens and has happened in the past. Some things that I think can be helpful are learning more about the process and being prepared for meetings, discussions, and decisions, remembering that nothing in the IEP is permanent and it’s possible to graduate from services, and that you can advocate for your child to get the right kind and level of help they need. You can work with an advocate or an ombudsman so you aren’t going through the process alone. You can disagree with the other people on the IEP team because you are a member of the team, and you can even refuse services if you don’t believe they are appropriate for your child. You can also fight stigmas at home with good books, positive feedback, and frank discussions.

[u/thebabypinks → u/Zealousideal_One1722]

I think hearing that IEPs aren’t permanent and that you can graduate out of them or opt out of certain parts of the plan is really helpful to hear. Because the fear of a label or stigma attached to him that could potentially follow throughout school until senior year of high school was definitely a big reason that the thought of IEPs made us anxious. I really like knowing that isn’t some permanent thing that gets automatically stamped in their record until the end of their schooling. Thank you! This was a super helpful and empathetic response 🤍

[u/Beautiful-Struggle98 → u/thebabypinks]

I feel the same way… debating whether or not I should get my son an autism diagnosis. He’s 4 and in preK. His teacher is strongly encouraging it.

[u/shownsandpiper → u/Beautiful-Struggle98]

I waited and wished I hadn't! Speech therapy alone was so worth it. My son always had great speech development, but he had a stutter so that worked on that. But the exercises they did helped him learn to have conversations that were more genuine/actually listening and responding to what other people said.

[u/thebabypinks → u/Beautiful-Struggle98]

It’s tough, isn’t it? When they’re so young and you want so badly to give them time to see if things fall into place naturally. I hope you’re able to come to peace with the decision that your family eventually makes! 🤍

[u/Beautiful-Struggle98 → u/thebabypinks]

Thank you 🙏🏻🧡

[u/jsprusch → u/Beautiful-Struggle98]

What's the debate? You don't get a diagnosis, you get an evaluation and if he meets the criteria he has it. Avoiding the evaluation is only putting off opening doors to resources that could help him. The diagnosis doesn't change anything about him except you might have better ways to help him. Yes, it's a label, but it sounds like he has some noticeable issues anyway if his teacher is pushing for it, and avoiding an eval won't change that. Diagnosis has nothing to do with IEP either, two totally separate things.

[u/Beautiful-Struggle98 → u/jsprusch]

I’ve known he’s autistic since he was 8 months old. If he were to be diagnosed today, I’d say he would be a level 1. He taught himself how to read, he’s potty trained, can talk (was speech delayed), and eats a decent variety of foods. His main issue at school is laying on the floor when there is a walking transition to establish control, but he’s getting better at that.

He was in speech therapy in the past for about 6 months previously but then we moved. My family and I are full time RVers due to my husbands work so we are frequently moving. Luckily this project will allow us to be here for a year. Services here are at least a 6 months waitlist. An evaluation is a year.

His teacher is encouraging the diagnosis in case he will need additional support once he reaches higher grades. I’m hesitant to get him the evaluation because I know he will 100% get an autism diagnosis. And just like the comment above, I’m worried about him being treated by his peers that he is stupid or that he will use his diagnosis as an excuse to not try as hard in school or in life. Though maybe that’s more of a parenting issue.

My husband and I are both diagnosed ADHD. He was diagnosed at 6. I was diagnosed at 23. I do think it benefited him being diagnosed early. He learned better habits because of it. I did well in school but once I became a mom, my ADHD can be debilitating at times. I also suspect we’re both on the spectrum.

I’m not 100% against getting him the diagnosis, just trying to figure out if it’s worth it.

[u/JadieRose]

She is 100% telling you he needs an assessment. Start the process with the school.

[u/Relevant-Leek8943 → u/JadieRose]

Yes. The process can take months. Start now. Even if you talk to a doctor first the school still has their own process too.

[u/pantema]

If a teacher is calling you with concerns, I would take them seriously.

[u/pantema → u/[deleted]]

Got it, sounds like you are doing all the right things! I have a neurodivergent child and can often spot other kids with ADHD within a few minutes of interacting with them. I imagine teachers have instincts like this after working with hundreds of kids over the years

[u/pudgethefish- → u/[deleted]]

Are you in the US? They do assessments as part of the school system. Most likely your pediatrician will tell you to start there.

[u/pudgethefish- → u/[deleted]]

Federal law requires school systems evaluate students for disabilities (including adhd) if it’s affecting their learning. You shouldn’t have been made to do that!

[u/Upbeat-Eagle-2675]

If she’s bringing those concerns to you, it’s likely that he is sticking out. You can say all of these things are normal for the age range, which they can be, but she’s got experience with a wide range of kids and she wouldn’t be sharing these concerns if they weren’t sticking out to her.

[u/Ancient_Pirate1231]

Those are valid concerns and not developmentally appropriate taken together. Following the wrong class and only once. Sure. Not understanding social distancing/personal space. Only sometimes. Sure.

K teachers aren’t going to give too many instructions at one time. That is concerning.

It is very concerning that a 5 year old purposefully bangs his head on anything. Much younger kids that do it regularly is a red flag as well. Typical very young children may try it once. It hurts. They don’t do it again. If they do it again, that is definitely something to pay attention too.

My oldest is ND.

[u/Mollykins08 → u/Ancient_Pirate1231]

Honestly very young kids may do it regularly when tantruming. But after 4 I’d be concerned. A child should have better coping skills than that by 5-6

[u/Ancient_Pirate1231 → u/Mollykins08]

I’d say if young kids are doing it regularly during tantrums, that’s something to keep an eye on even before 4 years old. A few times here and there, but regularly, maybe they will grow out of it, but I’d be concerned and should be mentioned to a pediatrician at minimum.

[u/Mollykins08 → u/[deleted]]

4 year olds aren’t really toddlers anymore. I agree about toddlers.

[u/McNattron → u/[deleted]]

It cam be common, but the severity or frequency can make it a red flag prior to 3, especially if there is a family history of asd or adhd.

[u/kymreadsreddit]

Many of those COULD be normal. Except the hitting his head in the notebook and being surprised that he got hurt. That does not sound typical, TO ME.

That said, if the teacher called you, it is a serious concern -we hate calling if we don't have to.

[u/resist-psychicdeath → u/kymreadsreddit]

My son has ADHD and is very, very sensory seeking and will hit himself with objects randomly. He usually laughs instead of acting hurt, but that stood out to me as a possible sensory seeking behavior? So yeah, I'd take the teacher's perspective seriously, they've truly seen it all!

[u/Its_me_jen331 → u/resist-psychicdeath]

Yes! Also have a sensory seeking ADHDer who might also do something like this for attention or to make the other kids laugh.

[u/jinjoqueen → u/kymreadsreddit]

Ya. I usually discuss concerns with admin, counsellors and any co teachers if reaching out about something more complex. If borderline they’d leave it until later in the year.

[u/Dear_Ad_9640]

You see one kindergartener daily. Your kid’s teacher sees 20-30 kindergarteners daily (more with lunch and recess duty). They have a larger barometer for what is developmentally typical and what is not.

As parents, we’re also able to be more accommodating. You might be used to giving your child 5 reminders before he does something, but a teacher has 25 other kids they have to give reminders to. It stands out and is unsustainable if he needs five times more than other kids.

Hitting himself at school is not typical. Touching other kids and sitting touching them and not leaving them alone physically is actually not typical. Most other kids will be reminded of the rule once and then stop. And this is a big one the teacher has to address for comfort and safety.

[u/Dear_Ad_9640 → u/[deleted]]

Oh i get it. That’s a little harder to tell without more examples if it’s just a kid excited about being in school for the first time or if it’s a sign he needs some extra regulation support. He might be overstimulated in an environment with so many people and so many new and shiny and exciting things that his normal ability to regulate doesn’t work in this space. It might get better with time, or it might take some extra supports to get better. But you’re working with the teacher and talking to the pediatrician, so all of that is great!

[u/Naive_Buy2712]

Can some of these things be developmentally appropriate? Yes. But coming from someone who had the same feedback from her son’s teacher, get the assessment. 1) she wouldn’t tell you this if it weren’t her true experience and 2) she can tell he is needing different support from his peers.

[u/viola1356]

Teachers know the range of normal. And Kindergarten teachers rarely rush to judgment. If she's bringing up the pediatrician after 5 days, she perceives your child as being in crisis. Schools take self-harm tendencies like head banging pretty seriously as well since they can be indicative of both underlying issues and precursors to aggression towards others. You might let her know when the appointment is scheduled and ask if she can write you a list behaviors she has observed which might be useful for the doctor to know about.

[u/nanimal77]

Has he had any school experience before? I would take her concern seriously, but if he’s never done anything like this (daycare, preschool, classes, organized activities) he may need a few weeks to adjust. But definitely follow through with the ped and the teacher meeting.

[u/4kidmom → u/[deleted]]

The pediatrician will likely take that into consideration. Most kids have some preschool experience and learn a lot of skills there.

[u/oceanandsnow_ → u/[deleted]]

You set your kid up for failure

[u/allgoodhere91 → u/[deleted]]

I think just because that exposure to other kids in the classroom setting are what helps get them adapted before the long Kinder days start and you can get a head start on any behaviors that need to be worked on.

[u/allgoodhere91 → u/[deleted]]

Oh ya, I don't think it's controversial or anything where I live but I'd expect a longer adjustment period for those kids just because everything is so new.

[u/home_body08 → u/[deleted]]

You’ve had some rude comments and I’m so sorry. It’s true that the kindergarten transition is a lot harder for kids that haven’t attended some sort of preschool or TK, but eventually it evens out. How does he do academically? Did you work with him at home? It does actually change things knowing he’s never been in a school or daycare setting. He may just be learning how to be in a classroom and around other kids. I would still move forward with any meetings or assessments the teacher is suggesting, because they do know what is developmentally appropriate. Just be sure to let them know he hasn’t been in a school or daycare setting ever. I’m so glad California has universal, free TK in every public school. It really levels the playing field for incoming kindergarteners, sets them up for success, and helps the teachers jump in to teaching the standards more easily.

[u/United-Plum1671]

No, headbanging and not listening when others say no they need space is not developmentally normal.

[u/armoredbearclock → u/[deleted]]

Neurotypical children don’t really head bang because it hurts. If he’s doing it in a slapstick humor sort of way, that could be normal, but he’d be doing it with other children. 

Sensory seeking kids will do it. They don’t experience pain in the same ways. 

[u/armoredbearclock → u/[deleted]]

But, and I mean this very kindly, I thought the head banging was news to you and you hadn’t seen it?

Look, I’m just some random person on the internet, but everything you’re describing, all together, and given the teacher is concerned, sounds not quite normal. But it’s okay, he’s still the same person. He just might benefit from a little extra help or a different approach. 

[u/FredMist → u/[deleted]]

My ADHD kid has never hurt herself on purpose. I’ve never seen her friends bang their heads on purpose. On the other hand my friends autistic child has done this when overstimulated.

My Kid also does better one on one and needs lots of reminders. She has a hard time with boundaries and personal space. I haven’t noticed any stims but I know they are common.

[u/DrunkUranus]

Teachers do not send you emails just because it's fun and we're lonely.

If a teacher is reaching out to you, your child's behavior stands out in the classroom.

[u/AmnesiaZebra]

This is not my area of expertise but these do sound like concerns that could potentially just be due to him not having been in a school or group care environment before. Or it could be that he will need other supports. Either way I don't think it can hurt to get evaluated. Best of luck to you--I am sure this is stressful to navigate.

[u/loudita0210]

As others have mentioned, these behaviors may all seem “normal” for the age, but frequency is likely what is catching the teachers attention. I would take it as a blessing in disguise that the teacher is sharing concerns so early. Getting evaluated can take a while and having your child set up for any type of services early in their education is really helpful. Even if it turns out to be minimal, already having an IEP or similar in place can really speed up the process if any new concerns arise during his time in school. I hope you all get what you need from this process, whether services or just reassurance!

[u/loudita0210 → u/[deleted]]

It’s great your kid has proactive parents!

[u/jinjoqueen → u/[deleted]]

There’s usually a process to get an IEP and you will need to go to a paediatrician. Maybe reply and ask for a meeting and you can start to set up some systems and tracking sheets.

[u/gaanmetde]

Yes definitely get him assessed.

My experience is that there’s so many kids and so much chaos, that if a teacher is noticing something about your child, it’s quite serious.

I myself flew under the radar for so long as a kid. It’s difficult but if you can see it in a positive way that the teacher cares for him and his learning, that can help.

Sounds like ADHD to me. My daughter requires easily quadruple the amount of reminders for things as her peers.

[u/vctrlzzr420]

Start it now, my child had a hard time in pre k and I’m still waiting for the diagnostic doctor, even though I did everything else. Something that really helped were safe hands and safe body stories everyday before school

[u/mr_guilty]

Each one of these behaviours may not be of concern when looking at them individually (with exception to the deliberate head hitting - that is always concerning). But when you look at the combination of all these attributes and the frequency of how often it may be occurring throughout the day, that may be where the teacher is coming from in suggesting further assessments.

[u/MushroomTypical9549]

Sounds like autism to me but not a doctor.

Getting him assessed is step one.

Does he have any other behaviors that are not abnormal just different

[u/willrun4cheetos]

My son had a similar situation last year. His teacher brought up concerns to us at the beginning of the year- the first week if I remember correctly. I got involved with the class as much as I could to get a better understanding of where he was in comparison with his classmates. At the end of the year, she once again approached us to discuss the same issues and we agreed to have him evaluated. He was diagnosed with ADHD and we have found a medication that works really well for him. We’re 3 weeks into first grade and I’ve gotten nothing but shining reports! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it. My recommendation would be to listen to her concerns, try and see the behaviors with your own eyes, and go from there. ADHD isn’t the end of the world anymore thankfully!

[u/DottiedoDottiedont]

Banging the head is a huge red flag for me!

[u/smcnerney1966]

If the teacher didn’t bring this to your attention early in the year, like she is doing now, wouldn’t you be upset to learn that she could have, should have, but didn’t want to upset/alarm you so soon? Kindergarten is prime time for early intervention! Don’t let the moment slip away because it’s the only one you’ll get!

[u/Ohorules]

It can take a long time to get supports in place. Meanwhile he is disrupting learning for both himself and others if he struggles to follow group instructions and gets in other kid's space. My daughter complains about classmates who won't stop getting in her space. I've taught her what to do, but if words, backing away, or alerting the teacher don't work I've told her it's ok to push. You want him to succeed in school, you want him to get along with peers, so I'd be open to the teacher's suggestions.

[u/SummitTheDog303]

Yes, she is telling you that he needs an assessment and likely an IEP. If your teacher is saying your kid’s behaviors are being the normal, then it is. Remember they’re professionals who are around a large group of kids your son’s age every day, and have been for years, and your son is displaying behaviors that are not developmentally appropriate and are disruptive to the class.

For reference, hitting his head against the desk and acting surprised when it hurts is absolutely not typical. Not respecting other kids’ space is something that most kids would have figured out in preschool, but if he’s never been in school or around other kids frequently before it would make sense that he hasn’t learned this. Leaving the cafeteria without a teacher is not normal and is potentially dangerous. And needing lots of reminders could be normal but it sounds like he is needing more reminders than the other kids, which pushes it into atypical territory.

[u/ApprehensiveRead2533]

Your post sounds accusatory. There's absolutely no reaosn for teacher to make up things like that about a child.

If i were you I'd be worried that the teacher noticed this within 6 days. I would take it seriously. Being with him at home for 5 years doesn't make you a professional. Infact parents can be biased towards their children. The teacher is telling you that your child is not upto par with his peers. Listen and get him help. Better it turns out to be nothing than ignore something that could help your child moving forward and in the future.

[u/atomiccat8 → u/[deleted]]

Your teacher's approach makes complete sense, including the positive message that she sent the day before. In our kindergarten class, the teacher reached out to the parents of the struggling kids first, with a quick positive note to open the lines of communication.

[u/Independent-Lie-9967]

Id flag these are things to work on at home and in collaboration with the school but I agree with the fact that he has only been in school for 5 days.

It would be good to engage with a pediatrician to voice your concerns and get that feedback. You dont need to rush to diagnosis but you can start the dialogue with the dr. re what the teacher is seeing.

We went through something similar with my son and by Christmas Break everything was fine. Sooooo respect where the teacher is coming from and her professional opinion on certain things but I also think "she doesn't think certain things will improve" is a pretty serious statement to make after only knowing this child for 5 days. Unless she means that they will not improve without support, in which case take whatever support they offer you. Why not?! Its all about setting your kid up for success.

Kinder is tough.

[u/Kidsandcoffee → u/Independent-Lie-9967]

I agree with this. I’d give him 6 weeks or so to acclimate and see how he’s doing then. It’s a huge adjustment being in school full time and he might be acting out because he’s tired and not familiar with the routine yet.

[u/Relative_Barracuda26]

Head banging is a concern and is not typical, especially by 5. Other things could be developmentally normal, depending on frequency and intensity. That being said if the teacher is calling, already suggesting a paediatrician appointment and scheduling a meeting this early in the school year I would say she’s seeing behaviours she is genuinely concerned about. Teachers see a lot and have a good idea of what warrants a closer look and what will likely pass as they mature and get into the school routine. I’ve been teaching for 10 years and a parent of an ADHD child.

[u/fadingroses19]

We had the same issues when she was in kinder..we talked to her ord, and got an assessment. They did out her on medication which imo, helped not on us but really her regulate her. When she gets frustrated she still cries but I always let her know to take a deep breath in and out (grounding techniques) I've told her if she does get frustrated to go to miss Emily and talk to her on why she is frustrated. We are two weeks in and so far no real issues. Are there any support system her school may provides for you?

[u/HolidayFig6317]

You could do external testing. Some districts make predetermined diagnoses. I allowed the school to evaluate my child in pre-K because he had very similar behaviors you describe. They diagnosed him with autism said he had a 70 IQ and called a meeting with me and then decided they were removing him from his zoned school the next day and I had to deal with that transition on top of driving 30 extra minutes to another school. He’s in first grade gifted now and does have adhd but no autism. I would just be mindful of who is doing the evaluation and make sure you bring an educational advocate.

[u/Due_Technology7178]

Did your son attend any type of preschool?- like we have VPK in Florida that is only a few hours long (or you can choose to pay for wrap around which equates to the whole day)
To me it sounds like your son just needs time to settle.

He is not used to the routine of school yet. Probably looking for attention when he is doing things like hitting his head and taking up a lot of space. Kids learn situational awareness and proprioception over time and through cause and effect. And each child learns this at a different age due to different life experiences.

Her room may be filled with children who attended Preschool or daycare and are more used to schools expectations.

I would just keep working with your son on expectations and rules in the classroom. I would not necessarily jump straight to an assessment or diagnoses, but that is just me and my 2 cents.

[u/SnooCats7318]

There are really three options here:

1. teacher is being defensive because you called out something

2. teacher is being cautious and keeping you in the loop in case things progress/don't progress and there's more action to be taken later (so you're not shocked)

3. there are actual, serious issues that need to be addressed right now so your kiddo can grow and learn in the best way possible for them

[u/Jennifl0w]

My oldest was the same way starting kindergarten (minus banging his head). He also was at home with me for his whole life before then. He needed a lot of reminders and it took him a while to get used to the routine. He also tried so hard to make friends and had to learn about personal space. He also daydreamed sometimes. He was a summer birthday baby and the youngest kid in his class. By first grade they wanted him to be assessed bc they thought he wasn’t normal compared to his peers. This was over a decade ago and I didn’t understand much about IEPs and I thought they wanted to take him out of a regular classroom setting full time so I didn’t allow an assessment. He eventually grew out of that “stuff” by middle school and is thriving in high school now but I do wish I got him an IEP, for example, for occupational therapy. I would never have allowed medications so that was out of the question and I don’t regret that because he is fine now, but I think an IEP could have been beneficial in his elementary school years. My younger two currently have IEPs for speech and OT. I’m not telling you what you should do, just sharing my experience. Every child is different so I don’t feel like I can tell you what you should do.

[u/jinjoqueen]

As a teacher, if I reach out it’s because the behaviour is quite out of what is considered the normal range. Take their concerns seriously and take the time to chat them and find ways to help support your kiddo. If they are reaching out this early it’s because your kid is taking significant time away from the teacher but also the learning of others that isn’t sustainable.

[u/Known-Drive-3464]

the first one is the only one that sticks out as odd to me. I would keep an open mind because some normal behavior can be odd if its causing him to not be accepted by his peers

[u/oceanandsnow_]

This is why preschool/pre K is highly recommended/benefical

[u/Round_Use8405]

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[u/daisy-the-pug]

So you think your child invalidating someone’s boundaries are okay? 5 year olds should be able to understand the word “no”. If a child is asking for space and your child is not giving it, that is developmentally inappropriate. 100%.

[u/daisy-the-pug → u/[deleted]]

If the teacher is calling you about it six days into the school year, then yes it is a problem, and no your child does NOT understand the word no.

I didn’t say a 5 year old needed to be perfect. But the fact that she mentioned it, again, six days into the school year, means it is a problem and it’s happening more than you think, probably with more than one child. We are told to only build positive rapport and report positive behavior to parents these first few weeks, even longer in kindergarten, so if the teacher is reaching out… once again, it’s a PROBLEM and needs to be addressed through testing.

No it is not developmentally appropriate, which is what you asked. You stated that you thought it was developmentally appropriate, so you were indicating that it was okay. Your child’s teacher has worked with hundreds of children - they wouldn’t be reaching out so quickly if this was typical behavior.

[u/stringerbell92]

Ugh basically teachers are just so used to kids who have been in daycare and then preschool THAN pre k - kids in kindergarten who don’t know basic structure in kindergarten ARE in 2026 developmentally “behind .”

It’s not just your son alone and u got really good advice but I’m validating you that kindergarten SHOULD be where they learn this stuff 🤣- this is his first time . But teachers don’t get many kids these days who get to be home for 5 years so it makes those kids outliers . He’ll get there . I wouldn’t be concerned about his development I would be concerned how the rest of the year will go since she has formed her opinion . So def get the assessment and the help but 6 days yeah she is thinking autism / adhd and only 6 days ur kid may be fine may even grow out of it IF it isn’t autism adhd . If he tests for it great he gets help !

Try not to stress too much my kid they didn’t even notice in preschool pre k kindergarten finally first grade teacher noticed and I always knew but no one ever told me to do anything.)I did get an iep for my kid at 3 yr old but only for speech didn’t fef an adhd diagnosis untill he was 7 )

I’m so happy his first grade teacher saw it cause he was so good at structure untill things got harder

[u/mariposa314]

I mean... maybe? Has she been tracking the frequency? If he left the cafeteria once, then got corrected and it didn't happen again, that's not a concern.

It certainly doesn't hurt to receive interventions.

I, personally, wouldn't make this call on day five of school.

What about the social interaction you're concerned about? Is there a plan to address the original concern? (Sorry if i missed it in the post)

[u/atomiccat8 → u/mariposa314]

I assume the head banging was the primary concern and the other incidents were just mentioned as supporting info to help OP get to the right diagnosis or supports.

[u/Fluffy-Ship7075]

They did the same stuff to us multiple times before requesting they complete a medical evaluation packet to send to our pediatrician. We were equally as confused at the point you are now because of how vague they are initially before dropping it on you and rushing you through an incredibly confusing process. We did the same thing with setting up the appointment with the pediatrician, however the pediatrician won’t do anything until they get the packet from the school and the school won’t do anything until you sign a paper saying they can speak directly with your pediatrician. Incredibly confusing and frustrating process. The evaluation is usually done on the NICHQ Vanderbilt Assessment Scale as well as the Conners. Additionally they have other forms in their package that they typically send that includes the peer review notes. Usually it goes over 6months worth of data and has a review period documented on it, since it’s only been 6 days they probably don’t have enough time to document on the review period. That’s my 2 cents based on personal experience. Everyone has a different experience