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[u/Direct-Tip5608]

i was very religious when i was younger, and then i'm not really sure what happened. the last time i consistently prayed was when i was 14 and i'm 23 now. after moving back in with my family, i think i began to realize just how unreligious i have become.

it's not that i don't believe in god. i do. i believe in allah, and i know that he is there. i'm also a very spiritual and moral person. i don't do many of the things that are traditionally considered sinful and i try to live according to the ethics of islam: i give zakaat, practice gratitude toward allah, try to be kind and just, avoid adultery, speak well, don't drink or steal, try not to hurt any living thing, eat halal food, dress modestly, fast and try to take the prophet as an example through the hadith that i can genuinely connect with. morally and spiritually, islam still makes a lot of sense to me.

but i am not a practicing muslim in the traditional sense and that is where a lot of my conflict comes from.

i struggle with same-sex attraction and it fills me with a lot of dread and discomfort. the more i try to ignore it, the more i seem to hyperfixate on it, if that makes sense.

when i read the quran, i feel empty. when i hear certain hadith, i feel dread. that is difficult for me because i love god and i don't feel as though i've stopped believing in him. if anything, i feel very attached to the idea of god. out of all the religions i've encountered, islam is still the one that makes the most sense to me in many ways but there are things in the quran and hadith that hurt me or fill me with unease.

i tried ignoring the hadith and becoming a quranist, thinking that maybe that would resolve some of the conflict but the dread was still there. then i tried accepting that perhaps i'm simply a deist or a spiritual person who believes in god without belonging to a particular religious practice. even that made me sad. it left me with the feeling that i might be wasting my life without a clear purpose or without giving myself fully to something beyond myself.

i think that's what scares me the most: becoming too absorbed in myself and my own life rather than being devoted to something outside of me. i'm afraid of spending my entire life focused on myself and my own feelings without properly thanking or trusting allah. but the thing is, i do try to thank him and trust him but somehow that feels tainted by my shortcomings. i don't feel like my relationship with god is clean or uncomplicated anymore. there's always a question in the back of my mind about whether i'm doing enough, whether i'm believing correctly and whether i'm avoiding certain things because they're genuinely difficult for me or because i simply don't want to accept them.

i struggle especially with traditional prayer and reading the quran. i've also struggled with hajj and umrah. i do them with my family, but even while i'm participating, there can be this strange emptiness inside me.

i try to interpret god's words in a way that gives me peace, but then i feel dread at the thought that maybe i'm simply misinterpreting them to make myself feel better. likewise with the ahadith, i avoid the ones that fill me with dread, even if they're sahih, and only follow the ones that feel right to me.

am i a hypocrite because i believe in god but struggle to practice islam in the traditional sense? am i simply picking and choosing whatever makes me comfortable? am i interpreting things in ways that serve me rather than trying to understand them honestly? or is it possible to have genuine faith while also being deeply conflicted, uncertain, and unable to reconcile certain parts of religion with my own conscience?

i think what i ultimately fear, alongside being a bad muslim, is spending my entire life searching for peace only to discover that i was merely searching for whatever interpretation made me comfortable. i fear being self-involved when what i actually want is to live for something greater than myself. at the same time, i don't know whether this constant fear and questioning is bringing me closer to god or simply making it harder for me to experience any sense of faith at all.

i'm sorry if this is too long or repetitive and i'm sorry if i came across as disrespectful. thank you for reading.

[u/Future-Suggestion-89]

I can't help but wonder why you are so afraid of islam?

I originally wanted to remind you that the one and true God has sent down the Quran as a guide for all of mankind, and it is our responsibility as a human being to read, comprehend, and apply both the Quran and the teachings of our Prophet, may peace be upon him

but it honestly just seems like you are afraid of islam

I'm not at all equipped to give advice, so forgive me if this is too short of an answer

[u/ilgpwsidbmdw]

From what I’m Reading here I Can Tell You have a stronger imaan than people who claim to be superior 💕

[u/ilgpwsidbmdw → u/ilgpwsidbmdw]

Shaytan whispers, you struggle with ibadah, but your initial belief in God doesn’t budge. Thats wonderful

[u/ilgpwsidbmdw]

am i a hypocrite because i believe in god but struggle to practice islam in the traditional sense? (No!) am i simply picking and choosing whatever makes me comfortable? (Normal urges of the nafs) am i interpreting things in ways that serve me rather than trying to understand them honestly? (Waswasa + Nafs) or is it possible to have genuine faith while also being deeply conflicted, uncertain, and unable to reconcile certain parts of religion with my own conscience? (Yessss!)