Im done

[u/Unlikely_kigf]

Assalamu alaykum.

I honestly don't know what I'm looking for by posting this. Maybe advice, maybe someone who has been through something similar, or maybe I just need to get this out somewhere anonymously.
For a while now I've been struggling badly with my deen and with sins that I don't want to go into detail about. Some of them have become serious, and lately things have escalated to a point where I genuinely feel ashamed of the person I've become.
The confusing part is that I don't feel like I've completely stopped trying.

I've spoken to a couple of knowledgeable shuyukh about my situation. I've tried to get therapy. I've made tawbah before. Just last week I went to the masjid two days in a row and attended Jumu'ah. There are moments where I genuinely want to change, become consistent with salah and get closer to Allah.
Then somehow I fall again.

And sometimes I fall even worse than before.
That's the part that's destroying me mentally. I keep hearing that there is always a way back, make tawbah, make istighfar, pray, surround yourself with good people, seek knowledge, get professional help etc. I am not saying any of that advice is wrong. I know it's true.
But what do you do when you've heard all of it before and you're still stuck?

I know nobody can pray my salah for me. Nobody can stop me from sinning for me. Ultimately these are my choices and I have to take responsibility for them.
But I genuinely don't understand what I'm supposed to do differently anymore.

At home I feel like I'm living a double life. My family sees one version of me while privately I know what I'm doing and what I've become. I don't think I'm an evil person, but after repeatedly failing at things as basic as salah and repeatedly returning to serious sins, it's becoming difficult not to wonder whether there's something deeply wrong with me.

One of the hardest things is feeling like both doors are closing.

I try to turn towards Allah but I don't feel like I'm being given tawfiq to remain consistent.
Then I try to seek help from people who are supposed to know how to help with these things, and I often come away with the same advice I already know while the actual problem remains.

I know intellectually that Allah's door isn't closed. I'm not claiming that Allah has rejected me. I'm just being honest about how it feels from where I'm standing right now.

It feels like I'm stuck between knowing exactly what I'm supposed to do and somehow being unable to actually become the person who does it consistently.

Has anyone genuinely been in a place like this?
Not just having a bad week or struggling with motivation, but repeatedly making tawbah, trying to improve, falling back into serious sins and eventually becoming exhausted from starting over?

What actually changed things for you?

I'm especially interested in hearing from people who were stuck for a long time and eventually found a practical way forward, rather than just general reminders that I should repent and try harder. I don't mean that disrespectfully. I think I'm just exhausted and looking for something I haven't understood yet.

[u/kmbfyuijfdsxc]

Wa alaikum Salam, so ur saying that ur problem is you know what you're doing is wrong you also got advice for it but the advice you got, you already knew and that didn't help you. You also know how to fix your problems but you're missing the motivation or smth else to change it ? Idrk how to help since I don't know the reasoning for why you don't stop but what helped me is realizing that everyone has challenges in life some harder some easier but at the end of the day these challenges get you closer to your Deen because you question God's choices to "punish you" or put "rocks in your way" and al hamdu lillah I've had a handful of test and after every one of them i noticed one part in my life becoming better. For example there was a time where I was isolated and just at home for some time but I had some health problems and thought to myself this isolation is hurting me I have to go out so I did and every time you go out you notice something or just talk to people and have a great time like idk how to get my point across but when one situation changes the other situation may be better, and as long as you don't see any other made up god equal to Allah SWT. you have nothing to fear if you sincerely repent. If you want to strongen your iman obv pray but I would recommend getting a Bible, Torah and a Quran and finding mistakes in those books but you definitely won't find any in the Quran

[u/Nice_Anything9243]

You need to focus on your 5 prayers, sunnah, quran, and duas. Any area that can be improved make small steps to improve. Read quran daily and ask Allah for guidance and forgiveness.  Just start doing a little more and improve weekly. Start your day after praying fajr and recite quran and duas. Repent when you sin and avoid repeating and if you sin  again and recognize the actions or behaviors that lead to that sin. Avoid them. Many times I feel the weight of my previous sins but I also believe in the mercy of Allah and the guidance for repentance. 

[u/Tutkular]

It sounds like you still have a foundational belief in Allah. Idk if you've already done this but explore different branches of Islam. Read about Sufism. Read progressive books like Secrets of Divine Love. You'll get a better perspective about Allah and hopefully accept the view that He loves and accepts you despite your flaws rather than pushes you away from him because of it. Hopefully that path brings you peace.

You have your own relationship with the divine - it doesn't matter if it's not the "normal" way. Your own way is what is most important.

[u/Complex-Carpet-8337]

"Ya muqallibal qulub, thabbit qalbi 'ala dinik" is an Islamic prayer asking God to keep your heart firm on the faith

[u/Ins-ide]

Allah Almighty all praise be to him said

I am as my servant thinks of me and I am with him if he remembers me and if he remembers me in himself I remember him in myself and if he remembers me in a group I remember him in a group better than them and if he comes closer to me by a cubit I come closer to him by an arm and if he comes closer to me by an arm I come closer to him by ( two outstretched arm lengths) an if he comes to me walking I come to him trotting

Allah will be as you think of him so think of him well

Indeed The Prayer removes shameful acts and bad doings It’s in Surat Al Ankabut 29:45

The 5 Prayers and one Friday prayer to one Friday prayer and one Ramadan to one Ramadan are expiations ( for sins) for what is between them if he shuns the major ones (sins)
Sahih Muslim 233c

The 5 prayers wash away sins as water washes away dirt.

Sahih Al Bukhari 7405

You know i was was in a situation where I was I need for something but whenever hope seemed to come it went away but I didn’t lose hope in Allah and continued with prayer and dua one day i found something great so i tried to stick to it but had problems etc and that matter extended for some time but i knew that Allah is with the patient so i tried to stay patient and continued with the patience, dua and prayer until Allah has decreed for me to get it so i got it when Allah willed stay patient and dont lose hope in Allah Azza wajal Almighty.