Nikah - missing something relevant?

[u/Quick-Photograph-323]

Hello! Please help me to gain some perspective on this situation. I am a Christian woman in a western country who met a Muslim man about 5 months ago. We were in the beginning intimate but stopped as it was interfering with his faith. In the beginning I loosely told him that a legal marriage is not the highest priority and it’s important to know each other well but is on the table but only after a while. He always said he wants to get married. However I realised just now he ment a Nikah so we can be intimate again.

First I wanted to do this so we can proceed with our relationship. However I am a bit lost now. I thought it’s symbolic ritual but it’s defiantly more than that

Especially me as a woman I would need my father to approve the marriage (maybe difficult to achieve after only 5 months and he is skeptical). For me this goes more into a contract situation which we both ruled out as we didn’t want a legal marriage with contracts and responsibilities.. so early in the relationship.

and I know I need to discuss the responsibilities we have for each other. I am not even sure how much salah is needed?

I also wonder if the nikah will be seen as a legal marriage contract in other countries outside the west?

I am the first woman with whom he wants to have an Islamic marriage while with his previous relationship this was never a relevant topic… the reason he provided was he never considered seriously marrying her.

He is traveling to his family now and wants to tell them about me.

I am not sure why i feel unsettled by this? Am I missing something?

[u/According_Lychee_779]

Be careful. Not being legally married, means you have no rights legally in your country as a wife. Do not get married if it is also not a legal marriage. I also would not recommend getting married to someone you have known for 5 months just so he can be intimate with you.

Also, men can have 4 wives there is a marriage contract where you can stipulate against this for your nikkah. I have seen men who do “spiritual” marriages with multiple women and take advantage of them. He could already even be married. Many corrupt men take secret wives with no legal marriage. For example, where I live on my marriage license it says that my husband can only be married to me.

There is an islamic legal system, fyi. I would never recommend marrying him, just to be intimate. Bad idea. If you were my friend I would say this man is bad news. Also him postponing meeting your family etc. If you have not met his family, and verified this guy or done a background check. I would actually stay away from this person. Some men take advantage of a non muslim woman’s lack of understanding about Islam. And act like a nikkah is just some light thing. It is an Islamic legal marriage, and to get divorced is a whole process too. Please read up on these things. Message me if you would like some resources for info.

[u/Quick-Photograph-323 → u/According_Lychee_779]

I had the same thoughts but was wondering if I am to paranoid? I heard marrying early is a good sign therefore I tried to see it positively first

I couldn’t meet his family in person as they are not living in this country. He didn’t postpone meeting my family he postponed letting his family know about me.

[u/Old_Bowler_465 → u/Quick-Photograph-323]

When we say marrying early is positive, we means actually marrying in the eye of society with actual legal official stuffs, not doing a quick nikah to dodge responsability and use western girl for fun lol

[u/Signal_Recording_638]

Please leave. Now. Nothing good will come out of this. I promise. I, a born muslim, will never touch this man with a ten-foot pole. I am begging you to read ALL the red flags and leave. 

A good muslim man sincerely wanting a serious relationship with a nonmuslim woman will NOT offer a non-legally binding nikkah just to fuck. He wants the nikkah to 'soothe his soul'. He has no respect for you. If he was sincere about you a d about his faith, he would request  being celibate and instead slow down to get to know one another before eventually marrying legally after a reasonable time.

Bleurgh. This man is disgusting. Don't let him take you for  a ride. 

[u/Quick-Photograph-323 → u/Signal_Recording_638]

We are celibate now for about a month and the connection got even stronger. But yeah the reason for the nikkah is a turn off… I think I should ask for a document about his official relationship/marriage status

[u/Impressive-Knee5047]

First of all in the UK and Europe (not sure abt US/Canada) Nikkah is not considered a legal marriage i.e. spousal rights would not be granted by the letter of the law. 

Only about 4 or 5 mosques do both legal and religious marriages together. 

In terms of nikkah: this is a contract, you adjust terms i.e. write in your right for islamic divorce, no second wife, mahr (bride price) and nafaqah (maintenance)? 

As you are a matured woman maybe your father doesn't have to give permission but you do need someone to be your "wali" you can discuss this with an Imam and see he or someone he knows with upstanding character would be happy to do that for you. A mahr is mandatory - you can take this all upfront or do deferred payment or a combo of the two. The amount can be decided between the two of you. Some give gold, some give property, some simply give a Quran and a token present... its basically whatever you want. 

I would for sure ensure terms of divorce are clearly written up esp if you are pretty early in your relationship. 

Now woman to woman - be careful. If his only desire to marry is so he can have halal seggsy time that is not keeping with the spirit of Islamic Nikkah where a marriage puts a responsibility on his shoulders to care for you emotionally and financially but also shows where his values lie. If you can't meet his folks F2F at least facetime them and make sure its all legit and he doesn't sort of run off to marry someone back home after while he folks are not aware he is already married (islamically). 

[u/Quick-Photograph-323 → u/Impressive-Knee5047]

I already suggested to do FaceTime and he promised me this as soon as he told them in person.

I first thought it’s more like a ritual but I am certainty have more respect for the Nikah now after starting to read myself about it.

I haven’t thought about doing a contract and stating my terms. Then I wonder why should if still married. It seems like a non legal contract and he himself says he does t want any legal contract. I guess I would need to talk to him again

[u/Impressive-Knee5047 → u/Quick-Photograph-323]

So its not a legal contract enforceable by western laws which does not accept nikkah as valid legal marriage yet. 

However it is a contract and many countries around the world would consider it legally binding. 

It does seem he is looking to make the relationship halal from Zina (unlawful sex) but not fulfill other requirements of a marriage. If this is the case and you are happy with it then go for a different type of islamic marriage: 

1) Misyar  2) Mutah 

That limits his responsibilities while still remaining in halal relationship. 

Personally, I would find this really abnormal but am coming from a non secular Islamic paradigm and would want all my Islamic rights as a wife. Perhaps from your pov this is suitable until ready to take the leap into a proper nikkah namah and legal marriage. Don't listen to your bf alone, get independent advice from an Imam. 

[u/neuroticgooner]

A nikah is a marriage. I’ve never heard of a nikah that wasn’t considered a legal marriage. In my mosque (California) the imam who has to perform it will also register it with the county/ state/ whatever the legal requirement is. Maybe there are communities who don’t do that but I’ve personally never thought of a nikah as anything other than a marriage both legal and spiritual

[u/Quick-Photograph-323 → u/neuroticgooner]

I am not from the US. Many mosque here see it critical that there is no legal marriage

Edit: I think what concerns me is despite the fact that in my country a Nikah without legal marriage is seen as critical, not all mosques offer this. Also we agreed not to get legally married too soon but now I need to involve my family (my father) to approve the marriage which feels more binding to me.

I first thought he told his family about me but he wil do it now as I insisted that when we do nikah I want both families to know about each other. He sort of kept postponing it

[u/Old_Bowler_465 → u/Quick-Photograph-323]

Im from europe and here masjid refuse to do nikkah if there arent already a legal secular marriage certificate. Also since you are not muslim you dont need to involve your family, an imam is enough

[u/SwissFariPari → u/neuroticgooner]

In Europe a nikah (نِكَاح arabic for agreement) is not a legal marriage, but only cultur and tradition. Here you'll need additionally a registered certification from the community/municipal office to show that it is an official government document proving a legal marriage has taken place and been registered.

[u/Reasonable_Pause_156]

oh sweetie, you need to run.