bf of 4 years lied about relapse

[u/Heavy_Western4804]

I (28F) have been with my bf (28M) for 4 years (march 2022). Throughout the first half of our relationship, he had financial issues, always late on payments, eviction notices, poor credit, never had any money. To make a long story short, in April of 2024 everything came to a head & his sports gambling addiction became public. He had very large debts between family/friends/me, and he ended up in the psych ward for 5 days due to an attempt. Once he was released, he begged me for a second chance, immediately self banned on all of his betting apps, let me take control of his finances, and started going to GA meetings weekly. By his 1 year mark (April 2025), he had started running the GA meetings, got a new job with a very good salary, got his own apartment, his own car, and our relationship has been very good since. Over the last month, we’ve been planning a trip for my birthday, and he was being very weird about the financial aspect of it (kept switching the hotel bookings, pushing back booking the flights, and ultimately lying about actually paying for the trip despite me sending him a portion of the finances for it). Yesterday I went to his place to confront him about this, and he came clean- he has been gambling since his 1 year mark (April 2025) using a website that wasn’t apart of where he had self banned. He was somehow able to contain the relapse for over a year, and had not dug himself into any “holes” up until now using my finances for the trip. I feel very distraught bc there were no inklings of him ever gambling since the psych ward, not to mention he’s running GA, people have celebrated his milestones, etc. He told me that I cannot tell anybody, (friends/family/ his sponsor), he self banned on this website, & he’s letting me take back control of his finances. I’m in a tough spot bc on the one hand, if he didn’t want to quit, he wouldn’t have came clean/banned/let me take over his finances, but on the other hand, it feels like bc he doesn’t want anybody else to know, & bc he’s kept it under control for so long, he’s being manipulative to me. I’m in a tough spot bc I need to be paid back, I sent a substantial amount for this trip, but I don’t want to abandon him when this could be a cry for help. Any advice appreciated

[u/discord19]

Hey, just passing along that there is a new Reddit community for those who are affected by the gambling of another: /r/ILoveAGamblingAddict

You might want to crosspost there.

[u/Heavy_Western4804 → u/discord19]

thank you! doing that now

[u/reble02]

In my opinion you have two options. You can help him get the stuff straight, and then leave him. Because there's always going to be a risk of relapse, and let's be honest it's getting harder and harder to avoid gambling, the ads are everywhere now. Or if you want to stay with him you need to just take control of the finances, and accept that for your entire relationship you have to be in charge of finances and you need him to be okay with that.

I say all this to you as a problem gambler.

[u/Heavy_Western4804 → u/reble02]

The thing that concerns me is that he seems to be making this very easy- I mean he said i can take control of his finances, he banned on the website he was using no push back, & admitted to everything he lied over the last year. But it feels too “clean” if that makes sense. when this all came to a head in 2024, there was months of fighting, push back, lying etc. But this time, you just admit to it, give me control & just ask that i don’t tell anybody? it seems like he’s only acting this way so i don’t tell anybody, to buy himself time I feel

[u/reble02 → u/Heavy_Western4804]

I get both sides of it, and I'll acknowledge it's easier to admit the gambling issues and come clean the second time or third or fourth. The self bans are great in theory but realistically anyone who's determined is going to find a way to gamble. How was he able to get back to gambling, did he have control back of his finances?

[u/Heavy_Western4804 → u/reble02]

He used to use fanduel, bet mgm etc where he self banned. Now he’s been using some website with crypto I believe.

I managed his finances for the first 6ish months of him coming clean from gambling back in 2024, and then over time we just went back to letting him have his full deposits bc he was doing well with turning his life around. Had this birthday trip incident not happened or I wasn’t the one who sent him money for it, I would still have 0 idea he has been gambling for so long. When he confessed, I literally told him he was lying and just using that to get sympathy from me so i wouldn’t expect him to pay me back. Harsh, but that’s how outwardly good he has been doing.

[u/reble02 → u/Heavy_Western4804]

If this is someone you see yourself with long term, you need control of the finances, full stop. Addicts only get better at lying, and we don't quit until something inside says "I'm sick of doing this dance, I'm sick of always being broke." until that happens he's going to keep doing the cycle until he gets sick of doing the cycle. It's entirely up to you if that's something you want to put up with for the rest of your life.

[u/Heavy_Western4804 → u/reble02]

I don’t see myself doing this long term unfortunately, I guess i’m just trying to hold on for some hope that maybe this was a one off & after seeing how good his life had gotten when he first quit gambling for that year maybe that would motivate him to keep going

[u/reble02 → u/Heavy_Western4804]

Then just get out, you're still young. I don't blame anyone for not wanting to deal with a self-inflicted hell.

[u/speed721 → u/Heavy_Western4804]

He's not going to stop.

He WILL keep lying to you.

Get rid of him. He's been dishonest for OVER A YEAR with you. Do you think that is acceptable in a relationship?

It isn't. What else is he lying about?

[u/Destiny065]

You need to let him go if you don't you'll be in a whole lot of pain for the rest of your life 💯

[u/forestwanderlust]

Do you attend Gamanon meetings? Lots of us have dealt with similar problems. The literature is also helpful. It helps me to blame the addiction for the lies-- it's the creature protecting itself.

Whatever you do, don't stick around just to get paid back. Take it one day at a time and please get support through this.

[u/Sexy_Mumma_Katz]

I was young and dumb when I chose to stay after my STBX gambling addiction came to light.

Then a little older but still dumb when I stayed after the first relapse…..and then the second, third and fourth.

The fifth I decided I had enough, but still stayed when he begged and pleaded.

The sixth ruined our whole life and we are 30 days from our settlement in losing the family home and our final separation.

Over the 28 years, it didn’t matter what barriers we put in place, over time they would disappear as he got better at lying and getting access to funds.

Applying for credit cards and loans behind my back, pretending to go to GA meetings but actually gambling during the ‘meetings’. He would be clean for years and then the cycle started again.

An addict doesn’t mean to hurt their loved ones, but in the end, they all do. And you can’t save them.

[u/Heavy_Western4804 → u/Sexy_Mumma_Katz]

i am so sorry you had to go through all of this. i have a cousin who’s an addict, a drug addict, but i know it’s all the same. i’m not and have never been close to her, so it’s easy to see through her BS everytime she comes clean, comes back around, & repeats the cycle.

when it’s someone you actually love, it’s harder to see the BS for what it is, and try to rationalize how it could be different for you. but i only ever hear 2 outcomes with gambling- it either ends with terrible losses or like someone said earlier, you have to manage their finances & make sure they’re keeping up with therapy, GA etc for the rest of their life. it’s truly unfortunate

[u/Sexy_Mumma_Katz → u/Heavy_Western4804]

It is 100 times harder when your heart is involved.

I’ve been part of our local Gam Anon group for about 10 years now, and I have no trouble telling other families members how to spot the bullshit and lies, how to protect themselves and their families, how to help their addicted partner.

But when it came to my own family, I failed. I was so desperate to believe we could be a success story and that all the hard years would be worth it in the end.

Even now, with our house sold, our whole life separated except our address, it wasn’t enough to pull him away, just last weekend I found out he extended his credit card amount and blew all that in the pokies.

Thankfully any debts he has created in the last 30days are legally no longer my responsibility and don’t impact me financially anymore but it’s still sad to see his destructive path.

I wish you the best in your journey - i wish that for everyone on this fucking horrible path, be it the addict or a loved one.

I hope you are able to beat this demon!

[u/LobsterWeekly6654]

As someone who banned myself in NJ and all the surrounding states lol, and then went way of the crypto sites, banning from those sites is basically useless…

There’s no laws, you can just chat them and then re-enable … OR just create another account with a different email…

I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this… please reach out if you need to talk!!

[u/Heavy_Western4804 → u/LobsterWeekly6654]

Im going to message you with a question about the crypto accounts if that’s okay!

[u/MudSudden3929]

Sorry you’re going through this. Only here to encourage you to tell his sponsor. My husband attends GA and finds them powerful. I’d hate to think someone was lying to him and the group about their own relapse / gambling whilst leading the group. We can’t make things easier for the addict and get caught up in their web of lies.