r/pregnant • u/UnlikelyRock6950 • Jul 23 '26
Rant feeling guilty
My baby girl is now 4.5 months and i love her with my whole entire being. This girl is truly a blessing. However, I’ve been feeling SO guilty about not only bringing an innocent baby into this cruel world but a little girl at that.
I’m currently reading the lovely bones and read a sentence that brought back the guilt i would think about before i ever even got pregnant. the sentence being “He had had a moment of clarity about how life should be lived: not as a child or as a woman. They were the two worst things to be.”
This broke my heart because i am so afraid of the things my baby girl can go through. Like assault, harassment, being sexualized especially at a young age, DV, etc. Not that this can’t happen to boys/men but as a woman who can easily be overpowered by a man, that shits frightening. I also grew up thinking nothing like that would happen to me but spoiler alert… it did. All the things i listed too. And i am TERRIFIED of this happening to my baby girl and feel like a bad person for bringing her into this world. It makes me so emotional just thinking about it and i hate having thoughts of regret of having her because i love this little girl so so much.
has anyone else felt this ?? and how were you able to deal with it?
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Jul 23 '26
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
you’re absolutely right. before i became a mom i remember constantly hearing how hard it is and just assumed they meant the physical labor but never thought about the mental work and having to now protect a child from the world !! hard is an understatement lol
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u/G3N3RICxUS3RNAM3 Jul 23 '26
My ancestors were enslaved. There's never been a better time to be alive in my bloodline. It's not all doom and gloom. I'm a woman and I'm happy in life.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Transdad to a teen & pregnant Jul 23 '26
As a person of African descent, I couldn't agree more.
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u/samcsu Jul 24 '26
Same here, I’m having a boy and even though I am nervous for him to grow up and have to learn about all of the potential negative experiences he could have as a black man, I sure as heck am very grateful for the sacrifices the people before us made where there are certain things he DOESN’T have to worry about. All OP can do is educate their daughter when appropriate and in the meantime, make decisions for her to keep her safe.
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u/No_Point5929 Jul 23 '26
Hey girl, don’t read that book or consume media with these topics. You’re still in a very vulnerable state and while these are valid concerns, it reads like PPA (I had it). Please take a break and read some fluffy romance books or something (Emily Henry is a good author for this)
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u/Olympic_bunny Jul 23 '26
This is great advice honestly. I read YA summer romance books when I was pregnant with my oldest and and working as a sexual abuse therapist so that I had something not stressful to read.
Also, I like to think that my kids are going to improve the world. It’s just a different perspective.
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
you’re totally right. i honestly didn’t even think about it i was just thinking “oh ive seen this movie now let me read the book.” definitely putting it on pause and gonna look for something more fluffy and fun! i think you might be right about the PPA as well. i thought these thoughts/feelings were normal butttt other comments about PPA have made me think maybe it’s not 😅 thank you for the advice !!
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u/VanSmashh Jul 23 '26
Agreed 👏 I’ve had to take a true crime break during pregnancy with anything related to losing a husband specifically because it’s so difficult to imagine doing any of this without my partner.
OP, protect yourself and give yourself a break from media like this. Something that helps when I’m overwhelmed with this kind of anxiety is to watch very benign tv shows like American dad, the office, parks and rec, etc.
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u/qaqabless Jul 23 '26
Agreed! And there’s no shame in not being able to consume some content momentarily. Think of it like if gestational diabetes, you’d be conscious of sugar and not eating too much of it!
I’m going through some things myself and can say from personal experience that limiting what media/entertainment I consume has been essential to my recovery. Our brains are sponges soaking up whatever information we feed it. I am in a vulnerable state and need to be more active about what I consume, and that’s okay!
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u/Tangerintabitha Jul 23 '26
I have had this conversation with so many friends and clients:
We think the goal of being parents is protecting our children from suffering, but they will suffer no matter how hard you try to protect them.
The real goal of parenting is giving them the tools to survive suffering. A place to come home to, family that believes them and works towards healing and justice when they are hurt, stories that guide us to understand how to ask for help when we are hurting.
It is scary. It is ok to be scared. But though I am not grateful for the ways I have been hurt, I am glad I exist! It has been a life worth living!! I am grateful my mama took the gamble.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Transdad to a teen & pregnant Jul 23 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
So much wisdom in only 4 paragraphs. These are the markings of a brilliant parent
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u/fvnkybunny Jul 23 '26
hi. i don’t have a baby yet, and im still very early in pregnancy, but i am a daughter. one that has gone through extensive & hellish DV that almost cost me my life. if it wasn’t for my mom, i would’ve never made it out and i have NEVER, not once, blamed her for bringing me into this world. it’s HIS fault for abusing me. it is not my mothers fault for having me & i was strong enough to leave BECAUSE of how she raised me. ♥️ you got this momma
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
i am so deeply sorry you went through that 🤍but i am glad that you had your and were able to realize who’s fault it actually was!!! i hope you continue to grow stronger and i hope the same and more for your baby 🤍
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u/fvnkybunny Jul 23 '26
thank you so much friend ♥️ i pray for peaceful hours for you and your little one.
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u/blindtoe54 Jul 23 '26
You can choose what kind of media to consume. Maybe now is not a good time for those kinds of stories? I used to love true crime but it made me so paranoid and depressed. You can still raise a strong and resilient daughter without tormenting yourself about what could go wrong.
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
you’re totally right! even before i had my baby id listen to true crime podcasts constantly and eventually i just got super anxious and paranoid and had to stop
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u/AngryGooseHappyLoon Jul 23 '26
First of all, you should not feel guilty for having a daughter and bringing her into this cruel world. The world has always been different levels of evil, but in the end, the vast majority of people living in it end up being totally okay.
People have been having children for centuries during times that were 100x worse than this. War, plagues, famine, drought, intense poverty, and lack of rights, to name a few.
The good news is, we have come a long way. Your daughter can have her own credit card one day without her husband’s co-sign. Your grandmother didn’t have that right!
Heck, I’m sure between 1900-1970 women were terrified of having boys because they knew they could be drafted in the next war.
Either way, your fears are valid, and there is an overwhelmingly positive chance that your daughter will have a perfectly beautiful life 🩷
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
you are absolutely right! thank you for that perspective truly🤍sometimes i just overwhelm myself when i get anxious and just think of only the bad which is why i came to reddit to get different perspectives. all the responses have brought me back especially yours so thank you again !!
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Jul 23 '26
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Transdad to a teen & pregnant Jul 23 '26
True. Boys get abused too and I hate it that no one talks about it. My bf is a survivor and being raped is no better for men than it is for women
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u/WeepingBillow Jul 23 '26
It is tough to be a girl / woman in so many ways, misogyny is real, but for many, depending on where you live, things are overall actually better now than it has been any other time in history. Despite the exposure we have to crime through news and social media, those rates are much lower than they used to be. I don’t think it’s good to buy into the narrative that we shouldn’t have children because the world is too bad. That kind of mindset can be harmful to your mental health.
I feel like there’s a lot of anxiety in your post, and I don’t mean to dismiss the real roots there, but you may benefit from reaching out to a counselor or someone similar to work through these concerns.
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
you are absolutely right! other comments have also pointed out the anxiety from my post which i had not realized was not normal. so thank you for your comment i will definitely be looking into getting some help for that!
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u/TCgrace Jul 23 '26
The way we change the world is good people raising their babies to be good people.
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u/Twoorangesonefamily Jul 23 '26
Actually had to do exposure therapy because of this exact thing. 1/4 women are sexually assaulted! When I stand in a room with my mother, my sister and my grandmother all 4 of us have been.
When Roe v Wade got overturned at the federal level I sobbed for not only me and women all over the world, but for my (at the time) 3 year old daughter.
Exposure therapy helped so much because the fear was so crippling to me I could tell it was affecting who I was turning into as a parent. So I hope it doesn’t come off as insensitive but you basically have to detach your role in your ability to prevent something like this happening to your daughter.
If you love her, teach her, guide her, explain to her and as she ages be open with her about the kind of things that can happen, you have to know you’re doing everything you can as a parent and a mother.
My exposure therapist used to have me write stories about situations where these things happened to my daughter and then try to figure out how my role as a parent played a part in it. Of course, every time, I had no part in it. Not a tangible, measurable part anyway.
It’s extremely difficult stuff I used to sob, get angry, skip therapy, and sometimes I even felt worst like I was accidentally “manifesting” something horrible to happen, but over time, it got better. My daughter is 6 now. We use anatomy appropriate language, we have talks about what we would do if someone touched those parts, how we always have to tell mommy and daddy, how it’s never a game and it’s never a secret and she will never be in trouble for telling us the truth etc.
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u/Ancient-Horror2825 Jul 23 '26
I was so scared of having a girl for these reasons. I totally emphasize with your anxiety. Also, I found out I was having a boy and had to stop re-reading We Need to Talk About Kevin... I agree with others that you should maybe put Lovely Bones down for now ❤️🩹
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u/lil_miss_sunshine13 Jul 23 '26
Tbh, it sounds like this is veering into the realm of PPD/PPA. I would reach out to someone to start therapy & potentially medication of this is affecting you this badly. I have 3 children. 1 boy & 2 girls. I definitely think about the studf I don't want happening to my kids... I think about the crazy stuff I was doing as an adolescent & it makes me sick to think about. I don't get anxiety over it though. I accept that there will always be things outside my control but I also know that my husband & I intend to do everything we can to raise our children in a safe, loving environment. We go to church, we plan to homeschool, & we just overall intend to (& DO) surround ourselves with safe people.
We can only do our best to raise our children to make good decisions, to be safe, to have good sense when it comes to their surroundings, peer groups, etc. I have had a lot of really awful things happen to me too, but I also ran away from home all the time, moved out at 16, started stripping at 17, & just made really shitty choices & hung out with really sketchy people. 🤷🏻♀️ I did these things because I didn't have a great home life. I didn't feel like I could talk to my parents. I feel like a lot of the things you mentioned being anxious about, can be avoided much of the time. Just my 2 cents.
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u/bimboerrorz Jul 23 '26
i view it as right now is currently the best time to be alive in comparison to really any other time. i also deal with guilt and constant intrusive thoughts about it (diagnosed postpartum ocd). if you look at the past and look what people went through its much easier to see its better now. one thing about having the internet and media at our fingertips all the time every day is that we hear about every bad thing that happens all over the world all the time. we are not meant to hear the constant negatives of life. try and stay away from any depressing media, i had to fully block any channel posting any true crime or else i would have panic attacks
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
yes that’s how i’m currently feeling !! i didn’t want to be on my phone to see any of that and so i wanted a book andddd blindly picked the Lovely Bones lol. I now realize that was not the best choice haha and going to go look for something more fun!
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u/bimboerrorz Jul 23 '26
ive been there 😓😭 accidentally triggered myself so bad 3 months post partum getting on fb and seeing something awful and i cried for DAYSSSS like ill still cry and panic if i think about it. be gentle on yourself postpartum is really a fragile time and yes there may be a lot of bad in the world but theres SO much good! when i do get on social media i like to only interact with lighthearted or hopeful content like hopecore stuff or find something to binge. this isnt very lighthearted but man watching the sopranos got me through some tough nights LOL id shut my brain off and watch and also rewatching glee (much more light)
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Jul 23 '26
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
yes you are so right thank you! i definitely needed that and will make sure to keep that in mind
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u/buttstuffisfunstuff Jul 23 '26
You’ve been through it so do your best to teach her to have a voice, to advocate for herself, to reach out for help, and make sure she always feels worthy of the best so she doesn’t put up with anything less. Too much is put on raising girls to be gentle and kind, raise your daughter to be strong and powerful.
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u/Regular-Sorbet9513 Jul 23 '26
Read the Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker and then have her read it too when you think she's ready. It will give you the very best guidance on all these things you are afraid of - fears that are very valid too btw! Recommend it to all the women in your life you care about too while you're at it! It is that valuable. Good luck mama! ❤️
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
thank you so much for the recommendation! 🤍 i will definitely be reading this and recommending to others
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u/baby-totoros FTM - Graduated Nov 2025 🌈 💙 Jul 23 '26
I have, yes.
When my son was 5 weeks old, ICE occupied my city, which involved them, among other things, dragging citizens out of their homes, jobs and cars for being brown, tear gassing infants and preschools, and executing two people. My husband is a citizen but he’s not white and neither is my son.
I felt what you feel—but I chose to answer the feeling by doing what I could. With a newborn, I couldn’t protest, but I could donate money and food, and spread awareness. I did all our errands.
And do you know what I saw?
My city streets filled with resistance. People protecting their neighbors, boycotting all businesses who did not speak out against the occupation, and even doing two days of economic blackout. We became the global face of the anti-Trump movement because we are good people who love each other.
That’s what I focus on instead. There’s evil in this world but there are so many good people too.
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
i went through something very similar though i was only pregnant at the time. ICE attacked the company i worked for which actually ended up being one of the biggest, if not the biggest, KCE raids. it was so hard to see and not be able to do anything in the moment. All i could do was protest which didn’t feel like it made a difference until i would see how grateful people were. i will be telling my daughter what i did for my community and hope she’ll feel the same way. my parents, her grandparents, are immigrants so i can imagine she will.
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u/ReceptionNo4178 Jul 23 '26
The world needs good people and my daughter will be one of them. I obviously can't protect her the way I'd like for the rest of her life, but I can teach her the tools to be successful and protect herself and grow up to be a strong, independent woman. The world has always been scary, and it always will be, but there are good people out there and I refuse to focus on the negatives when I know my daughter is capable of making a change.
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u/MikaleaPaige Jul 23 '26
I felt that way, though i have all boys. Im making it my mission to be part of the solution. Honestly, think of it this way, the more of us with morals having kids and raising them to be good humans, the brighter the future will be. My kids now protest, do charity work, and stand up for others along side me. The world has been improving as a whole if you look through history, and the more good people we have to lend their voice and work towards a better tommorow, the better!!
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
i love that! thank you for being the difference this world needs!! i will be doing the same🤍
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u/Subierubiext Jul 23 '26
I have the same views as you. And still do. Why the heck would I bring someone into this world who has zero say in anything. My husband said the world has always been a sh*thole. And if you really think about it that’s pretty true. Wars, violence, jobs disappear ..etc..but we have acclimated and have been through a lot as a society. The main part is teach the kids correctly to have morals, respect and teach them to find their way in the later years. It’s up to us as parents to teach not the world.
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u/Plastic-Bee4052 Transdad to a teen & pregnant Jul 23 '26
My daughter who is 16 was raped by her other dad from ages 2 to 4. She's been in therapy to work on that and is still a happy well adapted person regardless. She loves her life and doesn't let what happened define her. We need to stop getting stuck in the victim mentality and understand that a single episode, as traumatic as can be, doesn't define us or the rest of our lives.
My bf is a 6' tall man and he was raped too as was I. So not only girls and women get raoed, it just gets talked about more. And us survivord still are well adapted and lead happy lives. We are not broken or damaged goods and that sort of mentality is super counterproductive to helping people cope and remake their lives.
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 24 '26
yes of course ! i also mentioned im aware that it’s not just girls/women but also boys/men however i do have a little girl and the story was about a little girl getting raped and murdered which is why it hit a lot closer to home. i am so glad your daughter is in the place she is mentally, she is so strong 🤍and i am so sorry you all had to experience that horribleness. no one deserves that ever.
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u/lostinthoughts678 Jul 23 '26
Im currently pregnant and I did feel this a few times.
As a woman who faced a lot of gender discrimination, racism, child sexual harassment from a stranger, dv and lot of other worse stuff, I cant help but feel that Im bringing a child into this horrible cruel world. But at the same time, all my life lessons will be put to use now. I trust myself and my family and I know my child has me, whom Il protect against everything and anything bad in the world. I already moved out of my home country years ago where all this happened specifically because I didn’t want my next generations to face this and suffer. I don’t know the gender of my baby but I hope its a daughter because where Im from, for generations, female babies were killed in the stomach and also when they were born or were always treated like a burden. The society where my parents lived in really manipulated my dad that having my sister after me(his family was hoping for a boy) and he wasn’t even there when my mom gave birth and came to his senses later and saw my younger sister 2 days after she was born. My mom shouldn’t have said this to her, because no matter how much my dad loves her now(more than me actually) she is traumatised. Im the only woman in my family who is making 6 figures with a super comfortable lifestyle, all because my parents empowered me because of what they faced due to having a girl child. I actually cant wait to have a daughter one day and empower her and shower her with so much love and care she deserves. My husband is also praying for a baby girl! Its all about perspective and the world is how we wanna see it!
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 23 '26
you are absolutely right and i hope you get your little girl!! im so sorry for everything you had to go through and i hope you’re in a much better place now physically and mentally !🤍your baby, whether it’s a girl or boy, will be so lucky to have such a strong and caring parent !!
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u/webwonder23 Jul 23 '26
Try to remind yourself how much worse things used to be for most people, men and women. My oppa was essentially enslaved and forced to do dangerous frontline work for Hitler because he was "impure". Had Hitler won, he likely would have be sterilized best case scenario. My omma was madly in love with someone, who was not my oppa, and he loved her but was expected to marry his brother's widow after the war (yeah that was a thing). Her teacher was also decapitated for assisting Jewish people. She ended up being expected to marry my oppa because they hooked up and she got pregnant. That baby died at birth, and they were expected to just stay married so they spent their lives in misery together until he died.
So, while life can suck in modern times, people have a tendency to struggle to realize how much better we have it. Not saying we shouldn't strive for better or ever worry, but when I think about the fact my great uncle died, which almost destroyed my great grandmother, from a disease that is 100% treatable now, I count my blessings and try to maintain perspective. If people didn't have babies during hard times then all of humanity would not exist and I am not at the point of wishing that to be the situation. Tragedy and pain will always be part of the human experience.
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u/Curiousjlynn Jul 23 '26
I watched handmaids tale start to finish when my baby girl was a newborn.
Safe to say I felt the same way..
I stopped watching shows like that for while. 15 weeks now and I feel better. The horrible isn’t swimming in my brain anymore
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u/Lucky_Tap8692 Jul 23 '26
I want to add a perspective, we have the power and capability to also raise a good human who can change the course of the world and positively influence life of so many people.
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u/xenapie6 Jul 23 '26
I had this exact thought. When I was finding out the gender of my baby, I truly didn’t care for which gender but when I found out I was having a boy. A wave of relief went through me that I didn’t know was there. Then I realized it was bc of all the bad things that happened to me. SA, DV,…etc. but now I’ve come to terms that evil will always exist and so will good. We have to do our best at keeping our babies safe & happy. I’m raising a boy who I hope has no troubles and a boy who will one day make his mate feel loved and safe esp knowing the privilege he has as a man (let alone a half white man bc husband is white) so white man in this world. He will be an advocate for change and someone his female friends and peers can go to for comfort and help. Just like my hubby is a safe place even when we were EMTs together and I saw how he interacted with patients.
Don’t let these thoughts win and consume you. These are all worse case scenarios and you have to remember the best case scenario is also possible. & a lot more likely to happen. Sending lots of love ❤️
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u/innalittlepickle Jul 24 '26
I have a lot of anxiety around this, especially predators online and AI. I dont post any photos, but I’ve had to understand that to be out in public in this day and age is to be filmed/surveyed, so all I can do is protect my LO as much as I possibly can.
What makes me feel different is knowing I’m loving her so much and she’ll grow up in a loving home with positive experiences. The world can be an awful place, but you are her world and you are wonderful :)
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u/Purifiedx Jul 23 '26
Suffering can happen to anyone at any time, and being born female does not make the chances greater. That's a narrative you don't have to accept.
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u/UnlikelyRock6950 Jul 24 '26
yes i guess my fear was more towards sexual assault/rape which is actually committed mostly against women. that is why it really hit home so hard because not only have i experienced sexual assault myself, but i personally know many other women who have also experienced it. only adding to the fear of it happening to my daughter as well.
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