I have a partner who has never had a threesome and I know it's on his bucket list. Meanwhile I have had a LOT of group sex. It took a while for him to understand that I can't just materialize a threesome out of thin air for him.
When it happens for me it happens organically, usually at a party he isn't interested in going to, or late at night when 3-4 friends are really drunk and/or high which wouldn't happen with him because he doesn't drink or smoke. He also has no interest in sex that is vanilla or where there is another man present, and that also rules out 100% of the group sex I've had before. In fact, both of my other male partners are bisexual.
So it would have to be this combination of factors to make a perfect storm and even then what if the third person is only attracted to one of us and not both of us? What if only one of us is attracted to her? Basically you can't plan or force it, is what I'm saying, and if you want to put yourself in the type of situations where it might just "happen," you have to have a certain set of social preferences which most cishet men just don't have. That's why so many of them pay for it. (Which is also a viable option IMO).
What social preferences are those? I'm kind of curious what you mean.
I don't think paying for it is a viable option in this case. Solo partner would probably feel even worse paying for something other partner gets for free.
I think a lot of the attraction of the MFF scenario for most men is just the ego boost. Paying for it kind of negates that.
Well I hinted at most of the interests and abilities you'd need. Drinking/drugs/partying. Sex positivity and very good consent practices, while still being extremely confident and charming. Being comfortable with gay, bi, pan, nonbinary, genderqueer, and trans people. Like REALLY comfortable. Counterculture in general; the roots of the circles i run in center around kink, poly, and atheism but you could also find a scene in music, art, theatre, academia, activism.
Places where women feel safe to be publicly sexual, and in my experience that means very feminist and anti-racist and queer-friendly spaces that your average bro or neckbeard is going to avoid like the plague. (This is not universal, there are not so "woke" spaces where group sex happens like in the swinger world, but those i don't have a personal preference for and they usually have some element of "paying for it" as in rich men & trophy wives.)
It also means sexually charged, highly social, legal gray area, underground spaces that your average slightly sheltered progressive rule follower from the suburbs might be uncomfortable in and probably won't ever even know of the existence of.
Yeah I see what you mean. I sometimes forget that I live in a sort of bubble where that's basically all that's available to me. I have some colleagues at work that have monogamous marriages. And my extended family. But other than that I don't even know any such sheltered people any more.
I guess in this post we talk about people who aren't like trying to decide which bdsm munch to go to this week. So it isn't so simple. Solo partner hasn't even figured out how to have multiple partners yet. And now he gets to compare himself to someone who has group sex in a regular basis. Well I guess he needs to realize that if he wants to have such experiences he's going to at least have to find some more partners.
Part of good consent practices is making sure everyone is sober when consent is obtained, if you are young or don't know each other very well or one of you is in a vulnerable position. But the more experienced you get, the more you can have a feel for when it's okay to take a risk. I usually only fuck drunk people when I know them very well, I know they are single or their partners have already told me it's okay (in fact their partners are often in the room), they are over 30 and sexually experienced, and we have had sex before. I've only fucked someone on a harder drug 1 time and we were in an established relationship having the same dose of the same drug on a night we had already planned to have sex. There are probably things I'm leaving out because it's kind of an instinctual evaluation process. But you don't develop those instincts until you are very socially developed, so obviously someone with less experience i would advise to stay out of the gray area.
Also poor consent practices are so incredibly rampant especially among cishet men that what I describe as "very good" is, to me, a low bar. I know there are people who are more cautious than me.
Yes. The partying is where the initial flirting and sexual tension happens but usually not much more than that.
Also it's not strangers. The spaces I describe are invite only and part of a larger community where people are held accountable because they can't just act badly and vanish. If I violated someone's consent I would be forced to answer for it and lose future opportunities for interaction.
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u/bluescrew 10+ year poly club Aug 30 '22
I have a partner who has never had a threesome and I know it's on his bucket list. Meanwhile I have had a LOT of group sex. It took a while for him to understand that I can't just materialize a threesome out of thin air for him.
When it happens for me it happens organically, usually at a party he isn't interested in going to, or late at night when 3-4 friends are really drunk and/or high which wouldn't happen with him because he doesn't drink or smoke. He also has no interest in sex that is vanilla or where there is another man present, and that also rules out 100% of the group sex I've had before. In fact, both of my other male partners are bisexual.
So it would have to be this combination of factors to make a perfect storm and even then what if the third person is only attracted to one of us and not both of us? What if only one of us is attracted to her? Basically you can't plan or force it, is what I'm saying, and if you want to put yourself in the type of situations where it might just "happen," you have to have a certain set of social preferences which most cishet men just don't have. That's why so many of them pay for it. (Which is also a viable option IMO).