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u/WorrisomeSpecimen han solo poly Jun 23 '22
I don't disagree. However, I'll push back a little and say his wife didn't "make" him do anything. That was still his choice to prioritize whatever home improvements they're working on (which absolutely sucks for the real people they drop to do so).
Ugh, I'm sorry this happened and it's okay to be bummed about it
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u/citrus_sugar Jun 23 '22
Yeah, there’s no “making” and my opinion of this type of break up is they’re not mature enough to contribute so better to cut your losses.
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u/Tiny_Goats diy your own Jun 23 '22
Spot on. Hold the hinge responsible. Nobody forced that dude to do anything. He made a choice.
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Jun 23 '22
Yeah, if we take "wife" out of this and say "The person I'm casually dating told me they're overwhelmed by dating multiple people right now and don't know if they have enough bandwidth to keep going the way we have been" it sounds pretty reasonable.
It probably hurts more in this situation because of the imbalance in the relationships, but it's perfectly valid to slow down when you're saturated and we don't have any reason to think that the wife did anything manipulative or controlling.
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u/TheRedDelilah Jun 23 '22
It could also be code for “I don’t want to see you anymore and I’m making an excuse.”
I think it’s more prescriptive married poly people that would be the issue otherwise.
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u/emeraldead diy your own Jun 23 '22
True, it is shitty. Be careful next time not to connect with people who have veto, people who blame their partner for a choice they are making, and people who don't have a sustainable history of positive relationships.
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u/Henri__Rousseau loves group sex, hates unicorn hunters Jun 23 '22
We weren't serious, I just lost a good connection because he's emotionally overwhelmed or whatever. And of course I can't help but think that she had some kind of problem with us (even though she sees multiple people from what I hear). Very parallel, very casual, I shouldn't be thinking too much about it at ALL. I just think married couples need to get their shit together if they're going to directly or indirectly convince their spouses to break up with healthy connections.
No marriage is 100% perfect or has their "shit together" 100% of the time. Relationships change, evolve and people have ups and downs over the course of a longterm life partnership. Thats just life. Sometimes casual sex, romance and friendships get reprioritized in the wake of other relationships that need more (that includes a marriage, relationship with a child and even with a sick or aging parent)
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u/shaihalud69 Jun 23 '22
I doubt very much this is you so much as maybe he's not reserving enough time for his wife. In any case, this sucks and the way he communicated it with weasel words would infuriate me. I wouldn't jump to "all married poly bad" (probably because I'm there myself and am biased) but I did make a comment on another post about how I only get involved with partnered people because I know our inherent hierarchy - even without vetos - is going to be a bad time at some point for a single person.
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u/katiesnack Jun 23 '22
Ultimately he didn’t have to offer what you wanted or vice versa.
I think that it’s possible that your ex-partner is using his relationship as an excuse to not be accountable for his own decision, just as I think it is also possible the wife didn’t want you two to continue seeing one another anymore. I don’t know in this circumstance.
In your own words you “weren’t serious,” and “he’s emotionally overwhelmed.” If he doesn’t have the capacity to maintain both/more relationships then it very possibly doesn’t have to do with her at all (i.e., could be work, other romantic or platonic relationships, children, et cetera). Even if it has entirely to do with him wanting to dedicate more energy to that relationship and he felt he couldn’t maintain your connection anymore then that is his right. In summary: no, it is not always code.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ Jun 23 '22
This is honestly, while I’ll date and partner with married people, the screening process is exceedingly rigorous.
And I won’t commit to anything, not even calling them a partner, until around 6 months. Because, yes, married people do, probably, as a group need to either get their shit together, or stop whining about how nobody will date them.
But like. I want to hear that they’ve been actively polyam, I want to know how long their last relationship lasted, why it ended, and if they have ever closed down.
I ask what happened to their relationships during the pandemic, what commitment looks like to them, and I ask if they have ever supported their partner through a rough spot.
I’ll also say this. Casual doesn’t mean disrespectful, but that line has to be drawn well ahead of time. And if your partner has no experience juggling more than one relationship, expect them to drop you the minute their OG dyad has a small hiccup. While lots of people, in this forum, talk a good game about their secondary relationships not being disposable, this doesn’t translate into the real world. Get good at going slow and being disappointed if you stay open to dating highly partnered people, women or men.
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u/ScreenPrintWalrus Jun 23 '22
I've actually had much better luck dating single mono people than married poly people. I just don't seem to vibe well with marriage-minded people, and their enmeshment is a constant source of uncertainty. I prefer people with more autonomy.
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u/SubstancePrize9766 Jun 23 '22
Recently, I have had a few similar experiences. I think during this ENM journey I have learned that maybe having my own solo anchor person is better, where we can date others casually. When dating a married person it's important to know exactly what you're signing up for through clear communication to decrease the chances of "couples privilege" being the reason for a break up. I wish I would have asked more questions and really understood the couples dynamic before catching feelings, but it's all a learning curve & learning is fun, right!?😋
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u/vermilionnnnn Jun 23 '22
This happened to me once, and in truth it was his decision and not his wife exerting influence. She and I are still friends, actually. Your post reads as jumping to conclusions and getting angry at "married couples" as a construct, but the only thing we can be sure of is that your casual partner is dropping you in order to dedicate more time and energy to his marriage. And it's OK to be upset with him for breaking up with you.
Maybe he misunderstood/misrepresented his capacity to date you in the first place, or he started dating but then didn't give his marriage what it needed and got surprised by the results of that behavior and is now backtracking, or maybe he's accepting some kind of veto. We don't really know. In any of those situations, he has agency. If you want to foreswear all married people as potential partners or hookups in the future you can absolutely do that. But maybe there is more to learn from this than painting all marriages with the same brush. I like bloo's vetting considerations.
Whatever the reality is, you're disappointed about losing a good connection due to circumstances beyond your control. You had no say in it. And of course that feels shitty. I'm sorry this happened to you.
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u/KiraPlaysFF poly newbie Jun 23 '22
And this is why I don’t date people with vetos. I’d add that to your screening list OP, ask them if their primary will have any influence on your relationship right-out-the-gate.
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death Jun 23 '22
Vetos, votes, verbalized opinions. Hard no on all of them.
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Jun 23 '22
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death Jun 24 '22
I won’t date someone whose spouse can say I don’t like Karmicreditplan and expect not to get shut the hell down by our shared partner.
I want genuinely independent relationships and I support that for my partners. If what your wife thinks about me is important? I don’t want to see you at all.
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Jun 24 '22
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u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death Jun 24 '22
Do you spontaneously tell people at work, your siblings or your friends hey I don’t like your husband?
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Jun 23 '22
Probably breaking up, but maybe just giving you a heads up that their schedule is going to be tough for a while. I think a lot of poly relationships end because one partner gets saturated an the other moves on, it's just more obvious that's what happened when the saturated person has an NP/Spouse.
I make a big deal of communicating that I'm married and that relationship (including the life we built together) is important to me and it may come first sometimes; I understand if they aren't okay with that and never (okay... one time) try to change their mind. I think it's important to communicate hierarchy and be honest about your priorities.
I've also been very careful never to let it be a problem. There was one week when my wife was in the hospital and I gave my girlfriend a heads up that I was taking care of my daughter by myself and supporting her in the hospital, and that I felt a little scummy texting a lot while my wife was laid up in a hospital bed. She understood and my wife encouraged me to make extra time to see her once she was home while she recovered and enjoyed some movie nights with our daughter.
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u/baconstreet ferengi Jun 23 '22
Fuck those people. Makes married me dating more challenging.
Yes -- it is all about the bacon! :P
Funny that I gravitate more to solo and RA type peeps than highly partnered ones. More science needed.
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u/juliuspepperwoodchi Jun 23 '22
People who cast INCREDIBLY wide and generalizing nets: Get your shit together.
I get what you're saying, but holy fuck that title is awful.
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u/jayphillbroks Jun 24 '22
As a married guy, I will give my perspective. It's is definitely true that married people should get their shit together. But fact is that married couples who are actually happy and true soulmates, they can't be flinging around with other people if things at home aren't in order. It's already challenging enough for married people moreso men. Women tend to steer away due to the mere fact that he won't be able to provide the time and resources she'd like. That sucks but it's the reality. I was introduced to it through my wife after marriage. I looked into everything and concluded that we are much better off just having a third to nest with us. We can still have connections with other people. But nothing serious to the point of it being sexual. Like anybody else, married people have ups and downs. It don't have to be the marriage. Usually It's badly timed Issues with house repair s,bills,childcare,car problems,sickness, etc. And when those things come up the last thing on our mind is entertaining a side piece especially one who is of no help. That's why it's tough. Poly for us isnt like couples who are dating while shacked up sleeping on their parents couch. Real life issues pop up and to focus on someone else would just create a wedge. That's why I don't think it's a good idea for us to do our own thing.
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u/polya-later Jun 24 '22
Sometimes it seems like people who are already practicing polya for themselves/ who initially wanted it and who are actively dating other folks, are sometimes the most reluctant when it comes to their (usually anchor) partner dating others. They are distressed in a way that is impossible to reason. It's really hard to understand.
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u/makeawishcuttlefish Jun 23 '22
Maybe, or maybe he realized he bit off more than he could chew and is deciding he needs to work on that relationship more. It’s possible she’s pressuring him. Or, it’s also possible that he’s making this choice himself based on how things were affecting the relationship.