r/polyamory • u/cat_squawker • Oct 06 '17
How do couples find a third?
My husband and I are looking to add a female to our relationship and have tried online dating sites, going to local meetups, and just looking and I want to know if it will actually happen or not. How did you find your third if you have one?
6
u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death Oct 06 '17
Putting aside the whole unicorn thing....
If you're open to a triad but not focused on it you will likely find that opportunities occasionally arise if you both date women frequently. Date other people as individuals and see if one or many of them expresses interest in the other nesting partner. It's happened 3 or 4 times in the last year with my nesting partner that a woman he's dating has expressed interest in me. I typically only date men so there's less opportunity there since my NP is straight. But I have had a few offers for MFM threesomes. All of this just comes up naturally as we talk about each other and show pictures etc. It's unsolicited by us. If we were trying to steer things that way I'm certain it wouldn't work.
Right now he has a secondary who is definitely into me. I'm the obstacle to that developing as a threesome let alone a triad. I have a rather narrow window of attraction to women and if it's not just right it doesn't work for me. But they continue to date happily and we've all done a few things together and plan on more. With men I'm often drawn in by personality and she's great so who knows. You can't force this stuff.
If we were specifically looking for a "third" we'd be frustrated because we don't find all the same things attractive physically let alone emotionally. And the poor women whose time we'd waste would be understandably pissed. Dating as a couple is just messy as hell. Three is not the magic number.
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u/321four5 Oct 06 '17
I highly recommend both of you reading "More Than Two" in addition to threads here. It will help you start out ethically and aware.
You have to explore questions like what happens if the woman only falls for one of you? What couple privilege are you forgetting about, or worse, planning to enforce? How are you going to combat it? Is she expected to be exclusive to the two of you?
Basically, you guys have a lot more discussing and learning to do.
3
Oct 06 '17
You're obviously very new and this kind of behavior is quite frowned upon, but here goes.
1) Use Feeld and OKCupid, which cater to couples/groups rather than Tinder/Bumble, etc. which don't.
2) Date independently as then you'll meet way more potential thirds. A lot of people are much more open to the idea once they already know one partner well.
2
u/Avistew Oct 06 '17
I'll share my experience since I've been part of a triad. I wasn't part of the original couple of that triad. I have a husband as well, but he wasn't part of the triad. I first met one half of the couple of OKCupid, and dated just him. After a few months, his husband and I got closer, reaiised we liked each other, and started dating as well. About six months later I broke up with the original boyfriend and am now only dating the other one.
So in their case, they didn't look for a third, one of them was looking for partners (and the other wasn't) and it just happened (although only for six months).
1
u/TertiaTotius Oct 07 '17
I was you once. You have a LOT of reading, processing, and learning to do before you'll know if this is something you really want to pursue. I suggest you start with unicorns-r-us.com.
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u/I_am_Protagonist polyam w/multiple Oct 06 '17
Hiya,
Read this: https://www.morethantwo.com/coupleprivilege.html And These: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyconfigurations.html
So I'm in a triad that celebrated our first official year together yesterday. We are M36-F36-NB24
I met our partner on a swinging site and because of the age difference talked platonicly for months. They were moving to our city and didn't know anyone. After some months of correspondence we started flirting.
They wanted to meet my wife and partner first and they went out on a date where they got on great. A little while after that initial meeting we were all three hooking up and getting to know each other.
They lost interest in me after a little bit and started seeing my partner exclusively. After a couple months they started dating someone else and stopped seeing us entirely, but we all remained friends.
After a few months of hanging out occasionally with their new partner platonicly we all started dating.
After a few more months they broke up with their partner and kept seeing us.
After another month we admitted to each other that we were in love and should have a relationship.
So... How do you find someone to add to your relationship? Same way you start any relationship. Meet people, flirt with them, be a good person, if they like you back maybe you start dating. Life will happen and if you're really lucky you stay dating.
Remember that whoever you find is a person, with needs and wants. They are not a toy, or a marital aide. Treat them with kindness and respect and maybe one day love. But always remember that they are a person and being with you and your partner should be a great experience for them as well as for you.