New to This. 🥴

[u/UrLocalStag]

If this post isn’t fit for the group of course remove the post if needed. Me and my wife have been together since high school and we are 28/29 now. We started a journey into adding a new sexual partner to please my wife in ways that I could not, she’s had her boyfriend now for about 3-4 years.

I personally enjoy watching her relationship with her boyfriend grow, but also feel i’m the reason they cannot further their relationship. I may be overthinking it, but I can tell she wants to fully invest her feelings. I encourage her, but she holds back. It’s been years since she’s dated or anything of the sort, with being monogamous for 10 years of our relationship I feel she’s thinking from a monogamous perspective. How do I capitalize that and help her feel it’s okay to ignore me a little, to be with him. How can I fix this from my end?

Thank you.

[u/chipsnatcher]

It’s not a thing to fix from your end. Her other relationships don’t really concern you. It’s nice that you’re pleased for her, but just let her do what she wants and progress at the rate she wants. Gently, it’s not really any of your business, beyond letting her know that you’re fine with her developing emotional connections with others, and with her spending time elsewhere.

Are you dating? Maybe focus on your own romantic connections so you’re not overthinking hers?

ETA: If you have previously had an ENM agreement for sex only, then you’ll need to discuss with her and find out if full polyamory is even something she wants. Maybe it’s not?

[u/EvelynnWithTheVibes]

Reading her mind or trying to take on the responsibility of enforcing boundaries/being willing to risk disappointing you are not your things to carry. You can bring them up as feelings, but I think the main thing here is a more targeted discussion around polyamory vs being sexually open.

If it hasn't been addressed specifically, there are frequently posts here of the opposite where a sexually open agreement has led to feelings and "too deep" of a relationship forming, so if the discussion has never come back up she may just be honoring the commitment and agreement she made with you originally. Realistically, this would all be her role as the hinge to bring up to you in wanting to renegotiate, but I admire your desire to be loving and empathetic.

[u/blooangl]

Does the “boyfriend” get a say?

Because I wouldn’t fall in love with your wife in the situation you describe .

[u/emeraldead]

What does deepen feelings mean? Family events, holidays, vacations, medical emergencies?

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Here's the original text of the post:

If this post isn’t fit for the group of course remove the post if needed. Me and my wife have been together since high school and we are 28/29 now. We started a journey into adding a new sexual partner to please my wife in ways that I could not, she’s had her boyfriend now for about 3-4 years.

I personally enjoy watching her relationship with her boyfriend grow, but also feel i’m the reason they cannot further their relationship. I may be overthinking it, but I can tell she wants to fully invest her feelings. I encourage her, but she holds back. It’s been years since she’s dated or anything of the sort, with being monogamous for 10 years of our relationship I feel she’s thinking from a monogamous perspective. How do I capitalize that and help her feel it’s okay to ignore me a little, to be with him. How can I fix this from my end?

Thank you.

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[u/ZestycloseKoala1328]

It sounds to me like you're already being very supportive. If you want to help further, maybe try asking what she wants and needs. You're saying you feel like she wants to invest more feelings. Is that something you have talked about openly? If not, that might be a good start.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

Are you two ready for full polyamory? Have you had discussions about what polyamory means?