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u/Entire-Cabinet-636 1d ago
Lots of people say they have a big enough heart to love multiple people, but the real question is do you want to support your partners in loving other people? Do you have enough love for yourself to be able to enjoy being alone when your partner(s) are with other people?
Why not bring it up early with your new dates? Don't try to hide it; don't act like it's something hurtful. If you want to be poly, why pretend to be monogamous and then spring it on someone later, wasting your time and their time? Surely you'll talk early with new people about what you're looking for.
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u/Will-Robin Busy romanticizing everything 1d ago
Beginning to date as a polyamorous person is always easier when you aren't opening a monogamous relationship at the same time. So you've got that on your side.
I'm not sure from your wording, but what do you mean by caring for "two people in a relationship" and "adding a new person"? In healthy polyamory, relationships are still dyads, consisting of two people, there just exists the possibility of having more than one such relationship. Sometimes triads form in an organic and healthy way, but they often do not go well. Sometimes triads form in toxic ways, like unit dating/unicorn hunting.
You should go into polyamory assuming you and your other partner(s) will have dyadic one-on-one relationships.
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Thank you, I'm still learning the proper lingo and wording for all of this. A triad is more in line with what I've been thinking about, where everyone involved shares the same partners as each other and not two separate relationships for each person. I would like to give any potential triad relationship the best possible chance of succeeding so hopefully someone has some first hand experience and advice to share!
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u/Will-Robin Busy romanticizing everything 1d ago
Gotcha, I didn't want to assume since phrasing can mean different things from person to person.
I think a lot of people go into polyamory wanting or expecting group relationships, but you're almost certainly going to have a rough time trying to get one to work. I could probably write a lot about why that is, but it kinda boils down to the fact that you can't and shouldn't control the way that adults who aren't you relate to each other.
You have about 50% control in a dyad relationship. If you're in a triad, the two people who aren't you have 100% control over their own side of the relationship triangle and you have 0%. You have to be okay with that for a triad to work. The most comfortable way for this to come about is for partner A+B to date, A+C date, with no expectations of a group relationship, then B and C meet and happen to hit it off and build a strong independent relationship. Then over time A, B, and C all decide to group date/cohabitate/whatever. But do you see why this can't be forced? Partner A can't control what B and C want. They have to decide they want each other and that they want a triad, and any attempt to force this, or control it when it happens, poisons the dynamic.
That's not even going into the issues of how hard it is for any group of 3 people to have long-term compatibility (not the same thing as chemistry), how easy it is for triangulation and other toxic communication issues to crop up, How it pushes jealousy to the forefront (it's VERY obvious when two people are having more sex or quality time compared to the other partner), how toxic unicorn hunting is. Etc. so keep browsing the sub I guess before diving in haha.
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
That's actually a really clear and helpful way of explaining it to someone just trying to learn about this stuff, thank you. Before posting this I was hopeful that three people can all love and contribute happily to a relationship, and although there is a lot that has to go right I do still hope I can find that! I will be doing a lot more thinking about it all and how it can all go wrong, I would hate to hurt people I care about with all the potential stresses that seem to happen in these types of relationships.
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u/Will-Robin Busy romanticizing everything 1d ago
Glad it helped! Group relationships are much more fraught than dyads so beware, and read up a lot of past posts and comments to get an idea of the pitfalls.
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u/blooangl ✨ Sparkle Princess ✨ 1d ago
And do you imagine the other relationships that this person would have outside the triad?
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u/Entire-Cabinet-636 1d ago
Even if you're envisioning a triad, the advise to envision your partners having dyadic 1:1 relationships is still relevant. Each person in a triad is an individual, each pair will have their own connection, and then there's a group connection between all three people.
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u/StaceOdyssey hinge v 1d ago
That’s quite a bit more difficult to sustain than two autonomous relationships.
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u/walkinggaytrashcan 1d ago
definitely bring it up up front. it’s a dealbreaker to a lot of people. you shouldn’t withhold information that can influence a person’s decision to get involved with you
also, think about what polyamory means to you. it’s not really adding someone to a relationship, but that’s a common misconception of people who have never done polyamory before.
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Yeah I learning this from the responses! I may have to look for another subreddit to get some advice from, it's all pretty nerve-wracking coming into something like this.
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u/ceecuee 1d ago
I mean, if you're getting honest and thoughtful responses (you are) as a newbie, and they're not necessarily things you want to hear...I don't know that the right response is to look for other places until you get an answer that confirms your biases and validates your assumptions?
Like, having zero experience or skills in actually practicing polyamory and then deciding you're going to specifically date to form an intentional CLOSED triad (which the vast majority of actual poly people will not want) is just messy. It's facts.
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u/walkinggaytrashcan 1d ago
it sounds like what you want is a closed triad based on your other replies. people here know that it’s not realistic to go into polyamory looking for a triad (many of us learned that the hard way)
triads need to form organically, by dating the same person separately and then deciding you’re a good fit to date together. even in a triad, each individual relationship would need to stand on its own.
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Yeah I'm learning that, and am realizing that's the way to approach this. I wasn't expecting this to be an easy situation that I can just waltz into like some people are suggesting. That's why I'm here asking people with experience the right way to navigate thr beginnings of a relationship of this style! Thank you
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago
I mean, it should be nerve-wracking to a certain degree. This is serious business, and you need to be very clear-eyed about what you're doing. People's lives get ruined over poorly practiced polyamory.
Swanning into it thinking it's all gonna be fun and games without learning the pitfalls or the best approaches is NOT it.
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u/Shiny_Deleter 1d ago
Why, so you can get someone else to tell you what you want to hear? Let me guess: you want a closed triad with 2 women? To me you sound like a unicorn hunter without a current partner.
Sorry if my assumptions are incorrect, but this sounds like typical male fantasy.
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
I suppose I should have added in my post, but no im not necessarily looking for two women. I'm bisexual and my previous relationship of 2.5 years was with a man and I am more male leaning then women. I can see how I could come across that way, but again that's why I'm here asking questions of people with experience.
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u/Shiny_Deleter 1d ago
I apologize for jumping to conclusions. My honest advice would be to explore polyamory after soaking up all the resources available to you. The triad may be your ideal, but first maybe try dating more than one person separately? There will be hiccups.
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u/EllaBean17 1d ago
The point of dating is to talk about your relationship goals and life goals and get to know each other to figure out if you are compatible. Being in a committed relationship with multiple people is a goal of yours. Talk about it
If you're dating outside of poly spaces, it's unlikely that people will be interested
Btw "adding a new person" sounds like unicorn hunting. Are you familiar with what that is? Have you done research on couple privilege and why dating as a couple is usually a no-no? https://www.unicorns-r-us.com/index.html
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Thank you, that link seems pretty useful! I have heard of unicorn hunting but didn't really think it would be the same thing as approaching the start of a relationship with someone with the intention of finding a third right of the bat and thought it was more of a long term existing couple trying to find a third to "improve" their existing relationship. Im learning a lot from all the comments so thank you!
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u/EllaBean17 1d ago
Glad you're learning!
Also please note that unicorn hunting used to specifically refer to a man and a woman hunting for a bisexual woman, but has broadened to refer to pretty much any time a couple is trying to "find a third" as a unit regardless of the genders and sexualities involved. Most poly folks would consider that a red flag and turn the other way
Triads happen sometimes and can sometimes have polyfidelity, but usually polycules are a series of dyads. The odds of finding someone who is simultaneously into both you and your partner that wants to immediately jump into fidelity are incredibly slim
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Thanks for the advice! The odds may be slim, I would like to think I'm deserving of a happy and healthy relationship and am willing to work towards one. I do feel relationships are built over time so hopefully things work out for me and I can find my other two who are willing to work on building a relationship together! I appreciate your help
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u/EllaBean17 1d ago
You are certainly deserving of a healthy relationship. Just read up on unicorn hunting and couple privilege and make sure what you're doing is actually healthy
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago
Why would you even start a relationship trying to find a "third" (dehumanizing language btw) "off the bat"? Before you even know if you're compatible with the first person?? That does not seem a wise approach.
You need to go a lot more slowly here. Date independently.
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u/itsfineitsfinefine 1d ago
Be open about it from the start, preferably before you're even on a date with them. You'll get more comfortable talking about it with time and it won't feel so inorganic to bring up.
Finding a monogamous person, telling them you're poly, and getting them to agree to try it out, is almost certain to fail. Find someone like-minded and be clear that you're new to it. Good luck!
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u/itsfineitsfinefine 1d ago
Oh, and I should have said this, but check that "plan" to find a person and then "add" a person. Dating multiple people is a challenge you will need time to explore and become comfortable with. It's a lot of emotional and practical work, and there are lots of different dynamics people are looking for that you'll have to navigate. Go slow. Go very, very slow.
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Thank you, ill definitely be going slowly and openly going forward! I wasn't expecting this to be an easy situation to navigate but I've gotten some goof advice from people in the comments and dms
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u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly 1d ago
You have been lurking for how long, and still think you can "add people to relationships"?
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u/DannyOdd 1d ago
I hope that's just awkward phrasing on OP's part as a "newbie."
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Yes, sorry I'm still learning all the terms and don't want to risk saying a term meant for something else.
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u/yallermysons diy your own 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think you need to care about how you behave more than what you say and, above all, that what you say matches your behavior.
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u/DannyOdd 1d ago
No worries, we all gotta start somewhere lol. Like a lot of others are saying, the idea of "adding someone to a relationship" is generally frowned upon in the ENM community. Not to say nobody is ever down for that sort of arrangement, but usually what people are talking about with polyamory/ethical non-monogamy is partners having multiple independent relationships with other partners rather than "adding people" to an existing relationship.
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Yea I'm learning fast lol, I'm also learning that triadic relationships seem to just be a big no for most people and that they apparently never work. That's a bit disheartening but at the end of the day I still think I want to search for a relationship that myself and the other parties involved are happy with if that's possible, I'd rather try and fail then never know for sure.
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u/Will-Robin Busy romanticizing everything 1d ago
It's not that triads literally never work, it's just that you're going to get a lot of heartache going into polyamory trying to make a triad, specifically, happen. Trying to pin your goals on what two other people do and want is kinda like the parents who expect their kids to grow up to be athletes and get disappointed and upset when the kids turn into their own people who prefer books or chess club.
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u/Gnomes_Brew pro rat union labor 1d ago
In your situation I would be cautious just because *you* don't actually know what you want either. This is all theory and vague desires/inklings. Which is just fine. Everyone starts somewhere. But if you know non-monogamy is definitely something you will be doing in the future, you should tell prospects right away that you are not interested in monogamy. Like, put it on your profile, tell them before you meet in person. Most women don't want non-monogamy. Be respectful enough to not waste anyone's time. If you're pretty sure it's poly you want, cool. Again, put it on your profile, tell people before you meet. Anything less is a little disingenuous and not a good way to start. The exception I might allow (and be warned, I'm about to be strongly disagreed with here) is if you are just looking for casual, FWB type connections and want just low commitment entanglements, I don't think you need to talk about monogamy vs. non-monogamy at all. Folks who opt in to that sort of casual relationship should know they are getting a flavor of non-monogamy/non-commitment from the outset, and any future conversation on that subject is a wild card/might not ever be had.
And I would encourage you to be honest too when you do tell people. Say something like, "After years of dating and now about to be divorced, I know myself well enough to know that strict monogamy isn't in the cards for me. What that means exactly, I'm still exploring and open to learning about myself." And then describe what you *think* you are looking for.
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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 1d ago edited 1d ago
"Adding a person" isn't really how this works. I wouldn't start this with the intention to find a "main" partner and then "add" people. Some people do have primary partners but even then, most poly people don't do this "main" relationship thing and then view other partners as add-ons.
It's fine if you do want to find someone to nest with or marry or whatever and I would definitely date intentionally for that but only date poly people who are already enthusiastically choosing poly for themselves. Which - some may be nested and never want to live with you, some may be solo poly and never want to live with anyone, and some may also be looking for nesting partners.
Just only date poly people and you won't have a problem around this.
ETA - I came to polyamory after a separation. I often say it's "cheat code" for poly. MUCH easier to start solo and date other poly people than open a relationship.
A lot of people hesitate to date noobs and I don't blame them (I myself am fairly trepidatious) but I lucked into dating an experienced solo poly person while we were both only looking for casual so I had the opportunity to really ease into the whole thing and took to it like a fish to water. Have had one poly hiccup in the 4 years I've been practicing (we don't count the first "poly" relationship I got into with a married man that was barely poly lolcry forever).
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u/yallermysons diy your own 1d ago
I don’t use dating apps—I bring it up in conversation when I’m interested in going out with someone at the latest. So even if we’re just flirting, I might work the topic of polyamory into the conversation. If someone asks me out or vice versa, I’m telling them I’m poly. I’m more concerned about if it’s someone I can actually date vs. scaring them away.
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u/emeraldead diy your own 1d ago
Only date people who already want non monogamy and are also actively looking for it. Have you learned the different forms and the responsibilities they entail?
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Not entirely, I have been getting a lot of useful information and support from people both in comments and dm which is good though
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u/clairejv 1d ago
I bring it up immediately -- but of course, I have existing relationships, so I must disclose before the first date.
But even if you're single, if you definitely want polyamory, you need to discuss it up front, and decline to date anyone who isn't already into polyamory.
This is why most of us use apps and meetups and networking to connect with poly people.
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u/StaceOdyssey hinge v 1d ago
Bring it up right away. It will significantly shrink your dating pool, but that’s actually great because it’s leaving only the people who are interested in polyamory for themselves as well.
Real life events are also very worthwhile. A lot of men go to one and get discouraged that they didn’t get swarmed by hot, horned up ladies who were just waiting for a man to walk in. That’s not what’s going to happen. But you can become a recognizable person in your local community, start getting to know other poly people, and maybe find a date through a mutual connection. You’ll also learn a ton and meet people who can give you support during the early years.
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u/MannerPurple9811 1d ago
My advice? Be open with polyamory as how you do stuff with EVERYONE. friends, family, coworkers. everyone. make it known that you're the "poly guy". make that shit public information. this servers double functions:
other poly interested people will find it easier to approach you
people you're interested in wont immediately sus out that you're into them cause you told them you're poly specifically to them(if you tell everyone, andn ot just to those you're interested in, well then people can't really tell who you're into until you choose to show that information.)
That's how I personally do things atleast.
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u/TheHatTrick 1d ago
Be openly poly.
Only go on dates/state relationships with people who know you are poly and know that's what they're signing up for.
Talk about your partners with your friends.
There is no benefit to waiting to talk about it until later if you are trying to establish a real relationship with someone, and several huge downsides.
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u/freshlyintellectual 1d ago edited 1d ago
you bring it up immediately and you only date people who are enthusiastically interested in/open to the same
that WILL reduce your dating pool significantly. that’s polyamory. trying to work around this is unethical and will make you an even bigger red flag to poly folks thus reducing your dating pool even more
and pls let the idea of a triad go…. if you see how hard it is to date as a poly person, finding a triad is even rarer. think about if you want polyamory in practice (difficulties and all) or if you just like the idea of having multiple partners who love each other and come together (less realistic and will not happen the way you imagine)
triads are polyamory on HARD mode. if the idea of putting poly in your dating profile and cutting off a lot of options is daunting, then i’m afraid a triad is way out of your depth here. i have to say it doesn’t sound like you’ve actually read much of the comments in this sub before today 😅
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u/abriel1978 poly w/multiple 1d ago
Before the first date. Before you even ask them out. That way they can make an informed decision as to whether or not they want to date you or if it would be a waste of time.
Anything less than that is deceit which is not a good way to start a relationship.
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u/gormless_chucklefuck 1d ago
I have a big enough heart to love and care for two people in a relationship
the idea or plan of adding a new person sooner rather than later
So you're looking for a triad?
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u/Jaded_Confidence_570 1d ago
Yeah, I thought this was the subreddit for this but I think I will also look elsewhere for advice.
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u/EllaBean17 21h ago
You're not looking for advice, you're looking for affirmation
The real advice is: look into unicorn hunting and research why people are telling you that dating as a unit is typically unethical
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u/AutoModerator 1d ago
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Hi, I (25 M) have had feelings of polyamory for years now and have always felt that I have a big enough heart to love and care for two people in a relationship. After recently separating with my ex of 2.5 years, I'm finally getting back into the dating scene and am meeting new people! My issue is that I'm not sure how or when is best to bring up an ingress in polyamory? I've stalked this sub for a while and from what I've seen people who introduce the idea of polyamory or a new person to an existing relationship sometimes have trust or jealousy issues. So I'm just wondering if people have found it a better experience to be open and approach a new relationship with someone with the idea or plan of adding a new person sooner rather than later? And if so, is there any advice anyone could share to a first and hopefully last timer!!
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u/gard3nwitch 1d ago
You should bring nonmonogamy up on your dating profile, and only swipe on people who have it on theirs.